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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

225 replies

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 10:04

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:

dryasaboner · 03/09/2021 11:14

Your language and tone seems to be that you are defending your DD and make allowances for her behaviour. She will know this hence trying to dilute her part in what went on. Kids know when their parents will automatically side with them and use it to their advantage.
It is what it is at this point now no point worrying about any of it instead worry about instilling the discipline and self control your daughter needs to prevent any further episodes of flying off the handle and fighting

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 11:14

I don't think DD understands this yet @Twinkie01. All she sees is that the "love of her life" is now with one of her friends and obviously she's very upset about it. It doesn't help that Emily was rubbing her face in it either.

I agree @3scape, she's definitely not ready to handle relationships if this is how she deals with her emotions.

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 11:15

but why did the mother invite her in?

Probably because she’s known OPs dd her entire life and watched her growing up and thought they could sort out their squabble like they’ve done in years gone by.

DaraTheTeapot · 03/09/2021 11:17

@FreeBritnee

I would do nothing. If the police appear do NOT give her side of the story. Never accept a caution. Always No comment.

Yes I agree

It’s possible of Emily’s mum pushed your dd out of the house she’s covering up her actions with an accusation against your dd

SoupDragon · 03/09/2021 11:18

[quote LemonFantaGin]@SoupDragon actually she was, if you read the update[/quote]
Was what?

ButYIsTheRumGone · 03/09/2021 11:18

I don't really understand why some posters find it difficult to believe the mother may be lying?

@Inapickle5 I had a similar situation when I was your DDs age and it was over a boy too, in my situation I was seeing a boy that a girl I went to school with had previously dated.

I'm pretty petite and only 5ft in height, the other girl was extremely tall and muscular so massive physical difference between us and I was physically intimidated by her. I didn't go to this girls house but had to walk past her house on my way home, I dreaded it every single time as if she saw me she would hurl abuse and try to argue with me.

One day whilst walking home alone, she was outside and started shouting at me again, I ignored it and she got louder and her mother came outside and then started demanding to know why I was shouting at her daughter. I admit I lost my temper and turned round and shouted that it was the other way around, that her daughter was a bitch and a bully and I was sick of her targeting me.

The mother stormed over to me with her daughter and pushed me, I took a step back and swore at them at which point the mother slapped me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do, I burst into tears ran home and told my parents.

A while later the mother turned up at our door shouting and have reversed the story and claimed I'd attacked her daughter physically. A few days later the police turned up at school to speak with me about assaulting her.

There was no further action take on either party but of course everyone thought I was a liar as a parent wouldn't lie let alone assault a 15 year old would they? Sadly for me that was just the start of my life being made hell by these people until I moved away at 18 for university and all over a teenage boy

Changednamesorry · 03/09/2021 11:19

This all sounds like a massive overreaction. Calling the police over a grabbed arm between two teenage girls? I doubt they'll be interested. I agree not to accept a caution and to make no comments but surely the police aren't going to do anything at all about this?
Also "logging it with the police" is a non event surely. They don't have a special record for every unproven and uninvestigated accusation!

I'd just get your daughter to apologize to the mother for going to the house looking for a row and forget the whole thing. Have a chat with your daughter about not doing daft stuff over boys and leave it at that.

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 11:19

I'm really not defending DD and her actions. I've already said that I'm disappointed and upset with her. I was quite shocked by some of the things that she said in the messages and the names she called Emily.

OP posts:

mancarose · 03/09/2021 11:20

@Inapickle5

Is it so crazy to think that Emily might have marked herself and then tried to blame DD or that Emily's mum pushed DD in the heat of the moment and then realised what had happened?

How can people say that DD is definitely guilty when there's no proof? Yes, she has a mark on her wrist but how do we know that Emily didn't do that to herself? I'm pissed off with DD that she went up there and engaged in this stupid argument. I'm disappointed with some of the things that she's said but I do think she's telling the truth about the assault. I agree that she had to be honest about the messages because there's proof of those but Emily's mum never told me that DD had called Emily a bitch. DD admitted that off her own back as well as other bits of information that I didn't know about. I think DD has realised what she's done but I do believe that she's been truthful with me.

I'm going to take everyone's advice and sit tight and see what happens... I'm also going to have a good chat with DD later, thank you

You know your own daughter and you know when she's telling the truth or lying, you probably feeling like this cause you know Emily's mum has probably lied/manipulated the truth and can't believe a grown woman would do that?

I'd just have a word with your daughter about steering clear from people like Emily (which you probably already have) and leave it at that to be fair. That is if fighting is not part of her nature like you say.

LolaButt · 03/09/2021 11:20

I don’t think the OP is being defensive. She knows her daughter shouldn’t have engaged.

I think there is a startling lack of realisation on how some families operate. Some families are totally fine with encouraging their kids to scream in the street at each other like Jeremy Kyle guests. There are people who thrive on the drama of an altercation, where they are always the victim.

Confronted with my child and another rowing on my doorstep, no way would I invite them in. My child would be told to come in and the door closed. The mum made an odd choice.

worriedatthemoment · 03/09/2021 11:20

How quickly did she show the bruise ? A red mark yes but bruisss take a little while to show

Carboncheque · 03/09/2021 11:20

How we remember things when we’re in a stressful situation isn’t always accurate. It may be that your DD and the girl’s mother both believe that what they’re saying is true. The problem is that your DD pit herself into a situation where it’s easy to see her as the aggressor.

You know your DD best. Is she a leader or a follower? Obviously it’s not the job of your DD’s friends to police your her behaviour but did they encourage her? Did simply having an audience make your DD more eager to confront the girl? Other things your DD needs to think about because when she’s back in school this has the potential to blow up.

Just because it’s a typical teenage romance thing doesn’t make it any less painful for your DD. She’s feeling angry, hurt and betrayed. If she’s, understandably, feeling angry and upset, she needs to find ways to deal with that. Talking with friends about this might just rile her up at the moment, leading her to act recklessly.

CallMeNutribullet · 03/09/2021 11:23

OP you're utterly deluded if you believe this girl has marked her own arm and she and her mother have conspired to accuse your 15 year old daughter of assault. Rather than believing your daughter, upset over this boy, who has admitted to going to Emily's house and causing a disturbance has went for Emily and grabbed her arm.
She's not a little angel here, stop enabling her bad behaviour.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 11:23

Some families are totally fine with encouraging their kids to scream in the street at each other like Jeremy Kyle guests.

That’s clearly not what happened here though. The mum came out to see what the shouting was about and rather than encouraging them to scream in the street, she did the opposite, she encouraged them to come inside and talk to each other.

LolaButt · 03/09/2021 11:23

@ButYIsTheRumGone

I don't really understand why some posters find it difficult to believe the mother may be lying?

@Inapickle5 I had a similar situation when I was your DDs age and it was over a boy too, in my situation I was seeing a boy that a girl I went to school with had previously dated.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I’ve known of quite a few similar situations where the child isn’t believed.

mancarose · 03/09/2021 11:24

@LolaButt

I don’t think the OP is being defensive. She knows her daughter shouldn’t have engaged.

Confronted with my child and another rowing on my doorstep, no way would I invite them in. My child would be told to come in and the door closed. The mum made an odd choice.

I completely agree I can't believe a grown woman invited two arguing teenagers into her house like that??? The easier thing would have been to separate them as the were both obviously heated

vivainsomnia · 03/09/2021 11:25

So it will come down to either your DD or Emily's mum and Emily lying. Surely it will come down to the mark, unless your DD will insist that Emily's mum did it to her or Emily self harm, which is all likelihood and the way things have been told by both parties is much more unlikely than your DD having a last attempt at getting at Emily before she left. She must have been quite angry to call her a bitch in front of her mum.

Why would she lie about this and not the rest? Well the rest won't cause her to be arrested.

SarahAndQuack · 03/09/2021 11:26

You're being defensive in that you're trying to come up with alternative stories. And I get why you'd do that, but you need to rise above it so your DD can see that's how adults deal with things.

If they were small children saying 'she pushed me' - 'but she called me a meanie' you would be saying 'I don't care who did what to whom, but you both need to calm down.

Since they are acting like small children you need to do the same, with an added dose of explaining that she can't go confronting people like that in her adult life.

I agree with a PP that the police are quite unlikely to be very interested.

Why2why · 03/09/2021 11:26

Agree. I’d also be concerned that your DD is potentially making up a story about being pushed by Emily’s mum. If she isn’t telling the truth and you confront Emily’s mum with that allegation, things could get out of hand.

Impress upon your daughter the need to tell the truth now rather than be found to be making up stuff later than on.

Aethelthryth · 03/09/2021 11:27

The name calling and rudeness are awful in themselves: it's almost irrelevant whether or not she grabbed the other girl's arm. I don't think a "chat" cuts it. I'd ground her for a month, remove her phone and cancel her pocket money. I'd also have her write a polite letter of apology for the rudeness and swearing to Emily's mother, which need not get into any discussion of who grabbed whom.

Puppalicious · 03/09/2021 11:28

@MrsRobbieHart exactly! Seriously OP, you must see that that the most likely scenario is that the other mother is feeling truth, has she ever struck you as crazy before (which she would need to be to make up an allegation of assault against your daughter).

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/09/2021 11:29

I agree, DO NOT accept a caution. The police will push that as it's their easy win outcome. If the police come to your door, your DD must not be interviewed without a free solicitor and an appropriate adult (you) under any circumstances.

My DB "assaulted" a boy at that age. He had actually been hit over the head and back by this (older) boy repeatedly with a heavy bag; he lost his rag and punched the boy once which broke the boy's nose.

My parents were working class and uneducated and my brother got the blame and got a police caution which was then on his record. The other boy's parents were bank managers. The unfairness of the whole thing always stayed with us as a family.

I don't think grabbing a girl by the arm even if this is what actually happened, is anything to get worked up about. I would be wondering why the girl's mum is making such a fuss? If she pushed your DD, she would be guilty of assaulting a minor which is much worse than one 15 year girl grabbing another same aged girl and maybe wishes to try and get that overlooked by attacking first?

In any case, your duty is to safeguard and advocate for your DD. Even if your DD is in the wrong, the other girls texts were threatening in tone and inciting a fight (which is what I would argue).

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 11:29

Btw OP you need to impress very firmly on your DD that she is not to engage with or respond at all to this girl or her boyfriend in school, out of school, on the phone, anywhere. They will probably try and goad her. She needs to have iron clad resolve and never take the bait.

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 11:30

I think that's quite harsh @CallMeNutribullet. In what way am I enabling bad behaviour? I've already said countless times that DD was wrong for going up there, engaging with them, sending nasty messages, calling Emily names and being rude to her mum. That's not the way she was brought up and I am disappointed. I'm upset that she chose to go up there and put herself in that situation, rather than come to me, her dad or even her older sister as we could have talked it through and helped her. She chose to go up there and confront Emily knowing that it could possibly turn physical, and that's something that she needs to learn from. At no point have I said that my daughter is blameless here or even a victim but I don't believe that she is lying about the assault.

OP posts:

Caramellatteplease · 03/09/2021 11:32

Do you really think they had this altercation at Emily’s and then pretty much immediately Emily was smart enough to injure herself and either tell her mum your DD did it when she wasn’t looking or get her mother to lie and say DD did it and then go straight round to yours to tell you about it?

Actually I think that is entirely feasible. I also think its entirely feasible the Daughter invited the OPs daughter with the entire intention of stitching her up somehow. The fact she invited the OPs daughter over whilst the Boy in question was in the house either shows questionable judgement or questionable intentions.

Not that I believe the OPs daughter likely to be entirely innocent. Bloody stupid going to into another girls house alone after arguing in the streets.

But ultimately all you can do is learn. No boy is worth arguing over

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