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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

225 replies

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 10:04

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:

DisappearingGirl · 03/09/2021 11:53

I wouldn't even try to get to the bottom of who grabbed whose arm or who pushed who. You'll probably never know.

I think you've dealt with it well so far - you've told your DD it was not on to be calling Emily names and daft to go to her house, but at the same time you understand why she was upset.

I very much doubt the police will turn up but if they do I would just say you understand there was an argument and you've had words with DD that she and Emily need to keep away from each other for the time being.

I wouldn't get into too many arguments on this thread either! I think your assessment is correct that neither your DD nor Emily is an angel but at the same time no-one has committed a terrible crime either. However on these threads people love to argue with the OP that their child's behaviour is the worst ever and they should be grounded for a year. In practice I think it's good to get a balance between telling your kid/teen that their behaviour was not on but also keeping a good relationship with them. Just my two pence worth!

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 11:57

Adults do lie as well @Bluntness100, as we've seen from a couple of examples on this thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 12:00

I have already taken DD's phone off her and she has been grounded for the foreseeable. Both girls go to the same school so I think it would be a good idea to give them a ring on Monday and explain what's happened. I want to make sure it doesn't happen there as I'm sure they will come into contact at some point during lessons and on the school bus. We've had a chat this morning but I've left her to have a think about everything for now. I will talk to her again tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 12:01

I'm very sorry that happened to you @ButYIsTheRumGone but I'm glad that man was there to help you.

OP posts:

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 12:03

I wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of mouth. That’s what teenagers do. They lie when they think it’ll get them out of a tight spot.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:04

@Inapickle5

Definitely speak to the school and ask if they can keep an eye on the situation in school.

LittleGwyneth · 03/09/2021 12:06

Like most other people have said - the best thing to do is nothing. Though I would talk to your DD and explain that you're not going to be angry but that you need to know what happened, so that you can help her and take the appropriate action.

romdowa · 03/09/2021 12:07

People are deluded if they think that this woman and her daughter might not be telling lies. A young girl accused my brother of harassment, stalking and assault over a period of months years ago. The mother, the daughter and her friends all made sevral statements to the police about him. The mother in particular made a statement saying that she seen my brother push her daughter on a particular time and date. Which was impossible because he was with us an hour away, she then claimed she was mistaken and happened some other time. In fact it was the girl who was obsessed with him. I caught her following him on several occasions. We couldn't ever let him be alone because they would make shit up, all because he had refused her advances. People are batshit crazy and there's no way I would just believe a person's word.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 12:07

Fucks sake people are dramatic on here! Expecting a 15 year old girl to deal with this situation they way an adult should be expected to deal with it is unreasonable. She was angry and did something silly. The girls ARE as bad as each other, and the mother shoving your dd is unacceptable but people seem yo be ignoring that part because they have decided your dd is a violet lying criminal and she is apparently the oy one in the wrong here .
Honestly the police will do nothing. When I was 12 I was beaten up in the street by a drunk almost 18 year old for the terrible crime of walking passed her and in her drunk fucked mind "looking at her". After punching fuck out mu head dragging me along the ground by may hair and sitting on top of me smashing her bottle nest to my head and about to do some serious damage to me, she finally got off because a woman came out of her house. What happened to her? Sweet fuck all that's what!

Eeiliethya · 03/09/2021 12:11

Storm in a tea cup.

Do nothing, say nothing. She isn't going to get a criminal record for wrist grabbing.

Sit tight and wait for it to blow over.

MsTSwift · 03/09/2021 12:11

Sit down and watch Orange is the New Black with her and say control your temper you do not want to end up there! Ok tongue in cheek but I would consider it!

putthetubeinthebin · 03/09/2021 12:17

What the hell is a grown woman doing inviting your daughter inside when tensions are already high?

If your dd wanted to assault the girl she'd have slapped her or hit her kicked her, thrown something at her. Why would she grab her arm inside her house? To what end?

I'm inclined to think the mother grabbed her child'a wrist to stop her leaving or being her back inside or whatever.

It's a storm in a teacup whatever happened and the drama llama mother needs to leave it.

Police indeed. Like they've nothing better to do!

But yes, as others have said, sit tight. See what happens. I expect nothing

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:18

If your dd wanted to assault the girl she'd have slapped her or hit her kicked her, thrown something at her. Why would she grab her arm inside her house? To what end?

I doubt it was planned. She probably didn’t put any thought into “what end” she was hoping for. Just lashed out.

Whywhenwhat · 03/09/2021 12:24

Why would your daughter grab her wrist on the way out as she was leaving? If she'd have pushed her or hit her it would make more sense. Bruises rarely appear immediately, is it definitely a new bruise?
I'd be more inclined to believe your daughter mainly because she said the mum was the aggressor. I'd expect her to blame the girl but to accuse the mum falsely seems odd.
I'd be surprised if she "logs it with the police" I think the mum pushed your daughter and was getting in first to ensure you didn't report it. Keep your daughter well away from the whole family.

Why2why · 03/09/2021 12:25

The boy was upstairs so a potential witness, which is why the OP’s DD needs to ensure she isn’t making stuff up about Emily’s mum.

It may offend some people but Jeremy Kyle type of arguments are very much less likely to happen in some areas than others and very much less likely to happen amongst certain people living in certain areas than others.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 12:26

But how do you know what kind of area the op lives in from her posts @Why2why

Original poster

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 12:26

I think some posters are hell bent on portraying my daughter as a monster. DD is not a criminal and she certainly doesn't go around assaulting people or bashing their heads in. Yes, she made a huge mistake going up there but she's a 15 year old girl who is clearly heartbroken over her first love. I can remember that feeling. She will be punished for the things that she's said and the names she called Emily, but there is a possibility that they are lying and I'm not sure why other posters can't see that to be honest.

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:28

If your DD didn’t grab the girl but was pushed by the mum, why didn’t she come straight home and tell you “Emily’s mum pushed me”? Or even phone you to tell you? Why did it take for you to phone her and tell her to come home before she told you this?

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 12:28

All we know is that she lives in a village.

I live in a village. It is predominantly council housing and is an area of deprivation and very working class.

Village doesn’t necessarily mean chocolate box houses and naice middle classes.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:32

Of course there is a possibility they are lying OP. That’s always a possibility. There’s a possibility they’re telling the truth as they experienced it, your DD is telling the truth as she experienced it and that given it was a high stress situation no one remembers the exact events properly. Based on what you’ve posted here, I don’t get the impression this woman is making anything up to get your DD in trouble. You’ve known the woman for years, I guess you’d have some idea of whether she is the sort to do that. It doesn’t really matter what anyone here thinks but my personal opinions from what has been posted is that your DD probably did grab the other girl. But that doesn’t make her a monster. Just a silly, angry, hurt teen.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 12:39

@MrsRobbieHart

Well presumably she didn't want her mum to know anything had happened. Think that's pretty obvious

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:44

Exactly

Branleuse · 03/09/2021 12:50

I wouldnt do anything massive. Id talk to dd about how it looks like shes gone looking for trouble and then found it. and that no matter how stressed or upset she is, that she should never lay her hands on someone who hasnt started on her first. That she lost her cool, and its all over a stupid boy who is probably LOVING having two girls fighting over him. That she needs to keep her dignity and that boys are not worth getting yourself in trouble for.

As for the police, I really doubt anything will come of it. Noone was hurt. They might come and talk to her at most.

mummyh2016 · 03/09/2021 12:53

1 - the police won't do anything, they don't even come out for burglaries these days.
2 - IMO Emily's mom is stretching the 'assault' label, Emily had her wrist grabbed apparently. Before I read this thread I thought they had a full on fight. What a waste of everyone's time.
3 - I don't understand how you would grab someone's wrist to 'fight' unless like another poster has said; your daughter grabbed Emily's wrist to stop Emily hitting her? If she had a bruise on her leg, top of her arm, face etc it's obvious that she'll have been kicked/punched etc. I'm just putting myself in your daughters shoes and if she did want to fight her surely grabbing someone's wrist wouldn't make sense?
How long after the alleged 'assault' did you see the photo of the bruise?

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2021 12:58

Might be worth chatting with her about what sort of boy breaks up with someone and dates their friend. And how someone like that is not worth arguing over.

About how there are boys out there who like to turn women against eachother for their own amusement.

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