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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

225 replies

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 10:04

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:

Boredmotherofone · 04/09/2021 13:11

@RealBecca

Yes your daughter did it.

Her mum pushing your daughter out the door didn't lead to your Emilys bruise.

You could force it out of your daughter by taking her to the police station and ill bet she owns up before she goes in and makes a false statement about the mum.

But its a waste of police time.

I really hope you're never in OP's position with your kids! You do NOT have ANY proof that her DD is guilty. If your advice was followed she could potentially damage her child emotionally and destroy her relationship with her DD for life. Wow

Boredmotherofone · 04/09/2021 13:13

[quote Freddiefox]@Boredmotherofone
Follow her for life?! Cautions stay on your record for 12 years

You shouldn’t state things as truth when they aren’t.

All record even spent ones show up on enhanced dbs checks. So for example it would show up on teachers and social workers dbs checks.[/quote]
This is incorrect, please check your facts!!!

Boredmotherofone · 04/09/2021 13:14

@TractorAndHeadphones

The number of people believing that adults can’t lie is astonishing!

THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️👍🏻

itsgettingwierd · 04/09/2021 13:31

Of course your daughter assaulted her

And the mum pushing DD is also assault.

If you're so sure one is telling the truth you also have to 100% believe the other.

As there is no proof from either side that either is lying or being truthful.

It's all just "she said"

Gilmorehill · 04/09/2021 13:31

I agree adults are capable of lying. Ds1 used to get regular racist abuse from this boy from school. Once, in year 7, he was walking through the park and this boy started shouting the usual tirade. Ds had had enough and shoved him hard to the ground. A short while later, I received a call from the mother shouting and screaming at me that her ds had concussion, that she had called the police and was now going to A and E. Dh arrived home to find me panicking. He was convinced she was lying. He went round and sure enough the boy was perfectly fine. Next time he racially abused ds1, we made sure to call the police and get it logged.

PollyPepper · 04/09/2021 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/09/2021 13:47

From experience, I've known girls swear blind that they never did anything when they've launched at another girl not just in front of me but straight through me and I've got hurt in the process. And generally it's been over boys.

They can and do, when they're in that teenage rage, backed up by mates egging them on and hoping for a big, exciting confrontation and fight, tear lumps out of one another in a way that I've never actually seen boys do. (Maybe that's because the boys are more conscious there's an adult woman there, whereas the girls haven't got the social conditioning to avoid hurting women/girls, so lose all inhibitions because it's just another female?)

I've also known adults to lie.

The only proof one way or the other would be (and this is incredibly common) for one of the other girls to be filming it at the time.

So I doubt the police will do anything. But that doesn't mean she is completely innocent, it just means there isn't solid evidence that she's guilty.

I'd not be massively sympathetic because the original row was bad enough in itself and she didn't walk away, she escalated it and rose to further escalation. She only has herself to blame for the whole thing. And all over a boy? What a cliche.

Ineedaduvetday · 04/09/2021 15:00

You seem convinced about who your daughter is but, in the kindest terms, clearly had no idea how she was actually feeling to lead her to these actions.

There is no proof of what did or didn't happen. The Police won't care one jot.

SmokeyDevil · 04/09/2021 15:12

You have photos and have seen them of this girl who has bruises on her arm. If you believe your daughter didn't do it to her, who did? Her mum? Her boyfriend? Herself?

Honestly, your daughter looks guilty as hell and of course she would lie about having done it. She doesn't want to get into more trouble does she? And admitting it means potential problems with the police.

She's dealt with the situation in a bad way, she will hopefully learn from it. Keep her grounded for a long time, she needs it.

takehomepay · 04/09/2021 15:15

@Ineedaduvetday

You seem convinced about who your daughter is but, in the kindest terms, clearly had no idea how she was actually feeling to lead her to these actions.

There is no proof of what did or didn't happen. The Police won't care one jot.

Bit harsh. Since when have teens liked speaking to their parents about these things?

Ineedaduvetday · 04/09/2021 15:27

Bit harsh. Since when have teens liked speaking to their parents about these things?

Not meant to be harsh. I read the OP's updates as if she knows her dd inside out. Clearly her dd has been massively struggling with this break-up and OP is unaware of how badly she has been affected.

Lachimolala · 04/09/2021 16:00

I agree with @LolaButt I know plenty of parents who would (and have) overstepped massively with their child’s friends and panicked afterwards. And I know plenty of parents who would lie through their back teeth for their child.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/09/2021 16:29

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I've also known adults to lie.

The only proof one way or the other would be (and this is incredibly common) for one of the other girls to be filming it at the time.

So I doubt the police will do anything. But that doesn't mean she is completely innocent, it just means there isn't solid evidence that she's guilty.

I think you summed up exactly what I was thinking about this whole thing. Teenage girls can be ruthless and 15 (give or take a few years) is exactly when all sense goes out the window and emotions rule all.

OP, if she went to Emily’s house, with her mates, it was with full intention of causing trouble. Quite frankly both girls sound like they behaved badly (shocking) and Emily’s mom sounds like the one who has attempted to handle this best. I feel like the most obvious explanation is that during the talk things got heated your daughter grabbed Emily and Emily’s mom pushed your daughter to separate them.

But you’re not going change your mind about this so crack on with your head in the sand. Just hope that your daughter learned a lesson here , and not the lesson that she can cry crocodile tears and mum will believe no wrong.

takehomepay · 04/09/2021 16:32

Teenage girls can be ruthless and 15 (give or take a few years) is exactly when all sense goes out the window and emotions rule all.

Alone in someone else’s house, with the mum of the ‘friend’ there, and her friends told to wait outside?

Can’t see a 15yo being ruthless in that situation.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/09/2021 16:43

@takehomepay

Teenage girls can be ruthless and 15 (give or take a few years) is exactly when all sense goes out the window and emotions rule all.

Alone in someone else’s house, with the mum of the ‘friend’ there, and her friends told to wait outside?

Can’t see a 15yo being ruthless in that situation.

Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out.

She was comfortable enough to start cursing at Emily in the house with her mates outside. Totally a sign of calm and collected discourse

TheChiefJo · 04/09/2021 18:28

Nobody attacks someone by grabbing their wrist. Sounds like Emily has a bruise and they are just blaming it on DD to deflect from the mother's poor judgement. I'm covered in bruises, haven't been attacked, I just bruise easy.

MrsRobbieHart · 04/09/2021 18:34

@TheChiefJo

OP doesn’t say she attacked her. She says she grabbed her wrist.

TheChiefJo · 04/09/2021 18:40

@takehomepay

Teenage girls can be ruthless and 15 (give or take a few years) is exactly when all sense goes out the window and emotions rule all.

Alone in someone else’s house, with the mum of the ‘friend’ there, and her friends told to wait outside?

Can’t see a 15yo being ruthless in that situation.

Nor can I.

I also can't imagine a responsible adult coaxing an unrelated child, who is in a fight with their own child, into their home to continue the argument, outnumbered and out of view. It's actually a bit odd. Either she did want to intimidate OP's DD or she was incapable of thinking it would look that way. But how she could think it would help the situation is beyond me.

TheChiefJo · 04/09/2021 18:43

She says Emily's mother allegeges that DD grabbed Emily's wrist, but that DD denies it.

The only reason an outnumbered girl would have for wrist grabbing is self defence. But if that had happened, DD would have no reason to deny it.

saraclara · 04/09/2021 20:02

Emily and OP's daughter were friends. And obviously Emily's mother had no idea about the boyfriend thing and the falling out. I can quite imagine that if your daughter and her friend of many years were yelling at each other in the street, you'd a) want to bring an end to the spectacle because neighbours, and b) think it would be something that you could sort out. This isn't a stranger after all. It's someone who's visited your home many times..

TheChiefJo · 04/09/2021 20:37

No, sorry. I'd tell the other girls to go home and my own DD would be brought in to explain. None of this asking the other girl in - on her own, leaving the other girls outside. Nah. Doesn't add up at all. You wouldn't even get a clear version of events with both parties. I'm not buying it.

MrsRobbieHart · 04/09/2021 20:51

@saraclara

This is how I imagined it too @saraclara. The only other thing I might have done would be to call the OP and say her DD was here upset and maybe OP could come over and they could sort it out the 4 of them.

takehomepay · 04/09/2021 20:51

Exactly!

Rollercoaster512 · 04/09/2021 21:20

Sorry but if your DD was going to lash out at Emily she would of given her a slap somewhere else mps the face , and she wouldn’t exactly pull her in front of her mother sounds to me the mother said this to try and come up with a story if your DD says that she pushed her out and she will say yeah because she pulled Emily , my friend went through this couple years ago in our teens her mother text the girls mother to catch her out by saying ‘hi I’ve contacted police to sort this matter and I have said about said bruise that was mention they will take images and also put it against my child’s hand/foot as if she has done this she’s in serious trouble’ came out the other person could of done said bruise in the sport she plays

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2021 22:40

I think you're dealing with it fine. I'm sure the police won't get involved. Chatting with your DD about it and trying to boost her self-esteem which has clearly taken a nose-dive. She is aware she made the wrong decision and you are disappointed with her behaviour. However, she is a 15 yo! The brain isn't fully developed til 24. A teen's brain is wired to act impulsively. Surely, punishing her and making her more miserable is not going to help. Supporting her and helping her make better decisions in the future seems a better plan to me.

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