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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

225 replies

Inapickle5 · 03/09/2021 10:04

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:
Wiltshire90 · 03/09/2021 23:27

@FreeBritnee

I would do nothing. If the police appear do NOT give her side of the story. Never accept a caution. Always No comment.
This is terrible advice! If you are offered a caution and refuse to accept it, you're likely off to court to get a criminal conviction instead 😬
aquashiv · 03/09/2021 23:35

Why wouldn't you give her side of the story if it's truth. That's bonkers advice.
Police won't get involved in two teenagers having a scrap over a boy.Smile

Longdistance · 03/09/2021 23:46

Yeah, leave it for now. Dd can think about it over the weekend.
All this over some boy 🙄

lyntheyresexpeople · 03/09/2021 23:50

You have said countless times that "Emily didn't help by winding her up" - that's excusing the behaviour of your DD by placing the blame onto the other girl. You may as well have said she deserved it. You're blinded by the urge to protect your daughter, I understand that fully. But you aren't helping yourself .

ClareBlue · 04/09/2021 00:13

@CallMeNutribullet

OP you're utterly deluded if you believe this girl has marked her own arm and she and her mother have conspired to accuse your 15 year old daughter of assault. Rather than believing your daughter, upset over this boy, who has admitted to going to Emily's house and causing a disturbance has went for Emily and grabbed her arm. She's not a little angel here, stop enabling her bad behaviour.
Well I know of at least 3 times parents have lied about what happened to protect themselves and their children's actions. It might not be the case here, but it's not deluded to think patents can and do lie.
Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 04/09/2021 01:43

@LolaButt

Why would your daughter be grabbing the other girl as she was walking out the door?

Doesn’t make sense to me. Makes more sense that the mum has got a bit handy with your daughter and has then promptly shit herself as she knows she’s overstepped.

I think this sounds the most plausible tbh. If what your daughter says is true re Emily goading her then maybe the apple doesn't fall far. The best course of action would be to stay well clear and use it as a learning experience for your dd to stay well clear of these types in the future
HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:14

This can be normal teenage girl stuff and if you’re going to steal someone’s boyfriend when you are just 15 then a slap is sort of expected, Emily’s mum has went too far with the police and they both put their hands on one another so I wouldn’t worry about it.

Grapewrath · 04/09/2021 07:18

Take no notice- typical teen girl behaviour and the kids mum shouldn’t have got involved. I honestly believe nothing will come of this

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/09/2021 07:35

A bruise takes time and if that all happened same day I would say the other girl is lying about the bruise.

MrsRobbieHart · 04/09/2021 09:35

This can be normal teenage girl stuff and if you’re going to steal someone’s boyfriend when you are just 15 then a slap is sort of expected

  1. you can’t “steal” a boyfriend. They aren’t properly.

  2. there is no mention at all from the OP that Emily started seeing the boy while he was still seeing OPs daughter.

  3. what age should you stop expecting to be slapped (which didn’t happen btw-have you actually read OPs posts?) if you date someone who used to date someone else? 17? 23? 48?

MrsRobbieHart · 04/09/2021 09:36

property

Original poster
Inapickle5 · 04/09/2021 09:53

Good morning... thank you for all your messages and words of advice...

We've not heard a peep from the police or Emily's mum so far. I'm keeping quiet unless they come to us first. Not that it really matters now but some of you did ask - Emily's wrist bruised the same night. DD came home around 9pm after I phoned her and then showed me a picture that was put up in a group chat and forwarded to DD around 10:30-ish.

I took DD's phone off her that night and she's not had it back yet. She is also grounded for the time being until I feel she can be trusted not to go near these people. She was very upset last night when we spoke and said that she was sorry for causing all this trouble, but she still strongly denies that she hurt Emily. She knows that I'm disappointed with the way she's behaved but I've told her I do believe her in regards to the assault. I want her to feel that she can trust me and come to me whenever somethings wrong. We've spoken a bit about boys and how sometimes relationships don't work out which can be painful, but that there are other ways to deal with that pain.

I don't believe that my daughter deserves a life sentence for this, she's just a broken hearted girl who made a mistake and she is generally a good kid. She seems to be feeling a bit better this morning so I've said we'll have a movie night tonight and order a takeaway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickle5 · 04/09/2021 09:55

Sorry - posted too soon. I don't want DD to think that the whole world is against her and that she should be punished for life over this one silly mistake, but I do hope she's learnt her lesson

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 04/09/2021 10:01

Of course she doesn’t deserve a life sentence. It was a silly teen squabble.

FrippEnos · 04/09/2021 10:09

I think that you need to concentrate on what you actually know to be the truth and stop trying to make up scenarios about how "Emily" could have hurt herself.

I say this because as posted up thread do not accept a caution, do not talk to the police alone and no comment.

If you start making up scenarios they will slip out which the police can take as you accepting that the other girl was hurt.

Also if you are invited to the police station to discuss this make sure that you have legal council.

saraclara · 04/09/2021 10:10

IMO of course your DD will be honest about the things that can be easily proved (messages etc) and reluctant to be honest about assaulting her friend if she knows about potential police involvement! The oldest trick in the book is to be honest about a lot and lie about a little, for the exact reason you've given - if she's honest about one part surely she's honest about the rest.

That, I'm afraid. There's every reason for your DD to lie, and none for Emily's mother too. This is not about two Jeremy Kyle families. You say that you know these people and like them. Presumably that's why the mum took the girls inside, because she had no reason to think that this would turn out as it did, and isn't the sort of person to allow arguments in the street.

My guess is that your DD grabbed Emily without even thinking, at some point. She might have barely registered it, and it might not have been with intent to hurt. Grabbing a wrist isn't that indicative of an intent to assault. Just a grab to get her out of her face, maybe.

But seriously, think about this logically. The mum lying, given that she's a decent person who doesn't normally have to deal with this stuff, seems highly unlikely. There's nothing to be gained from it, for her.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2021 10:12

@Inapickle5

I think so to but we are obviously in the minority here *@LolaButt*

@Lordamighty I absolutely agree with you that violence is not the answer and I can assure you that DD was not brought up that way. I'm cross with her for going up there and for even engaging with them in the first place. We've spoken a bit this morning and I've told her that I understand she's very upset and hurt about the boy but there are other ways to deal with those feelings. DD is not denying what she's done, the messages, name calling, arguing etc but she strongly denies that she touched Emily.

Does she not accept that it's up to the boy who he goes out with?

Reverse the sexes...

Original poster
Inapickle5 · 04/09/2021 10:18

@Nanny0gg
She's 15. It was her first boyfriend who then started dating one of her friends, it's natural that she's upset. Granted she hasn't dealt with it the right way, but I understand why she's hurt.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 04/09/2021 10:22

Yes your daughter did it.

Her mum pushing your daughter out the door didn't lead to your Emilys bruise.

You could force it out of your daughter by taking her to the police station and ill bet she owns up before she goes in and makes a false statement about the mum.

But its a waste of police time.

Original poster
Inapickle5 · 04/09/2021 10:30

I don't believe my DD hurt Emily, based on the information that has been given it doesn't add up, but thank you for your opinion @RealBecca

DD has already said she is prepared to talk to the police if they turn up and explain her side of the story. She's clearly embarrassed about the way she's behaved but she still strongly denies she put her hands on Emily and we've had quite a conversations now over the last couple of days. She doesn't seem scared to talk to the police at all. Obviously I hope it doesn't come to that but I don't feel that she is hiding anything at this point.

OP posts:
SnoopyLights · 04/09/2021 10:44

You'll probably never really get to the bottom of what went on in that house.

But as a PP said, bruises take a while to properly develop. How quickly were the photo's put up in the group chat? And is it definitely bruising?

You say in your OP that the boy was also in Emily's house at the time. It's entirely possible that he may have grabbed Emily's wrist for some reason. Maybe to stop her texting your DD, as Emily was so determined to get her to the house while he was there? And Emily showed her mum this bruise and said your DD caused it?

It also may be possible that your DD has grabbed her, or that any one of the other possibilities suggested on here has happened.

What you need to do now is make your DD understand that fighting over a boy is pointless, and that she needs to block both of them on social media, tell her friends not to share what they are saying, and in real life to ignore anything they do to try to provoke her, no matter how hard or how hurtful it may be at first. Because she will get over him, and that will be easier to do without a caution from the police or discipline at school to contend with.

MargaretThursday · 04/09/2021 10:54

Bruises can come up quickly. I tripped over the suitcase that's waiting to go up to the loft less than an hour ago and I already have two bruises from that.

NantesElephant · 04/09/2021 11:10

How stressful for you. I would sit tight. I doubt the police will do anything. When the dust has settled it would be worth trying a calm conversation with your DD about how she might handle that kind of scenario differently in future. So she has some strategies.

AgentJohnson · 04/09/2021 11:25

You and we weren’t there, so we are all just speculating. Focus on what you know to be true, that your daughter behaved very badly in abusive digital communication and by turning up at this girl’s house mob handed.

Do not get sucked into defending something you can not prove.

TractorAndHeadphones · 04/09/2021 12:03

The number of people believing that adults can’t lie is astonishing!