DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

[Inapickle5]

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

I'm not accusing Emily's mum of lying, but I know DD was rude to her so maybe she's annoyed by that and wants to see DD in trouble...

So you are accusing Emily's mum of lying.

The problem is that you have an adult and Emily telling you that your DD grabbed Emily and then you have your DD saying it didn't happen. It upset the mother enough that she came round right away. Based on the scant information' it doesn't look like your DD is telling the truth as it doesn't make sense. She may not think she grabbed Emily hard enough to bruise and was angry and upset so who knows.

I don't think the police are going to be interested. Hopefully your DD will learn that it is never a good idea to go round and confront someone like this!

Fwiw OP tell your daughter in future

1. never respond to an invitation to fight- they always have mates with them- it’s usually a set up.

2. never go where there are no witnesses. Going in their house was so stupid. She should have spoken to them outside or left.

Why would your daughter be grabbing the other girl as she was walking out the door?

Many reasons. Emily said something... she wasn't actually walking out the door at that point she'd just been told to... 🤷🏻‍♀️

(To be clear, I don't think Emily comes out of this looking good either! She's probably verbally assaulted your DD even if it wasn't physical.)

This would be my initial take on it too. I don’t know whether I would just let it go or whether I would drop Emily’s mum a message saying that you have spoken to your DD about her actions but that she does deny touching Emily but did mention that she was pushed herself - just to sort of mark her card. She was very silly to invite your DD in, what did she think was going to happen. She should have taken Emily back inside and tried to calm the situation not add to the argument.

I think this is what I'd do. I wouldn't accuse the mum of anything. That mum told you her version of events, I'd tell her your daughters version. That mum was showing a complete lack of judgement to invite your DD inside and stoke the fire further.

@FreeBritnee

I would do nothing. If the police appear do NOT give her side of the story. Never accept a caution. Always No comment.

This is good advice as is this poster’s further suggestion not to message or post about this. It’s not likely you’ll ever get completely to the bottom of this. Emotions were running high and it is entirely possible that everyone believes they are telling the truth because they experienced the same thing differently. It’s equally possible that everyone is omitting things and manipulating the story because they are worried they’ve overstepped. The task now is to damp down the drama and make sure there are no lasting ramifications for your dd.

@Inapickle5 yeah, that makes zero sense to me, perhaps this Emily went to push DD and thats why there was contact, it makes no sense that she would grab her on the way out, next to the front door, with the mum there too, this is fabricated to cover tracks, I'm leaning towards your DD telling the truth.

My advice is to tell her to not blame women for the choices of men!
Regarding the assault, there's not much you can do at this point. The police will do what they feel appropriate. A scuffle between teens isn't going to result in your daughter clapped in irons. She'll probably get told off and to leave this girl alone.

Keep your head down, ignore. Let your Dd explain to the police if it goes that far.. I doubt it will!

Keep all the messages from Emily.
Seems obvious to me (and i suspect most people reading this ) that your dd went for a scrap with this girl after she stole her bloke, what a teen classic. I’d bet the ‘fight’ was a non event of slagging off but now the mums are involved they want it taken further. Are you telling me that if Emily came marching to your place and grabbed your dd you wouldn’t call the police???
Lesson for all - boys are not worth this aggro

@SoupDragon actually she was, if you read the update

When will children get it into their heads that the boy/girl doesn't belong to them. Once thoe relationship is over they can choose to go out with who they please and you don't get a say in it at all.

Don’t tell the police anything. Don’t let your daughter talk to the police without a solicitor. If your DD accepts a caution it’ll be on her record for 2 years. It could impact her future. It would definitely show up if eg she tried to work with children or apply for nursing within those 2 years.

You need to have a really serious talk with your DD about social media, decision making and real life consequences. Nothing good would ever have come from her going to the girls house, with friends in tow. It’s so easy for a confrontation to become physical. She’s seen that now. It’s also very easy for events to be open to different interpretations. If there are two different versions of events, who would you give the benefit of the doubt to if you were an unbiased observer? The person confronted in their own home or the one who turned up on someone’s doorstep, with friends, after an online argument?

It must have been a really hard grab to instantly bruise the other girl.

Tbh I call bullshit. OP you already know your daughter shouldn’t have engaged with this.

I suspect she called Emily a bitch. The mum saw red, made her leave physically and there was a scuffle. I would be surprised if a 15 year old would get physical, in the girls house in front of her Mum.

I would focus on your daughter’s behaviour and let the other mum crack on with whatever action she wants to take. Please tell your daughter never to fight over a boy! He was probably loving it!

@MrsRobbieHart

Well the only alternative is that the girl put the marks on her own arm, or her mother did. Do you think that’s likely?

The mum could have done it herself getting her daughter to come in the house and not realized or done it while pushing the OPs daughter out so yeah those are alternatives worth exploring. Personally I wouldn’t trust a mother who invites a rowing teenager into her house with no witnesses to “talk.”

Is it so crazy to think that Emily might have marked herself and then tried to blame DD or that Emily's mum pushed DD in the heat of the moment and then realised what had happened?

How can people say that DD is definitely guilty when there's no proof? Yes, she has a mark on her wrist but how do we know that Emily didn't do that to herself? I'm pissed off with DD that she went up there and engaged in this stupid argument. I'm disappointed with some of the things that she's said but I do think she's telling the truth about the assault. I agree that she had to be honest about the messages because there's proof of those but Emily's mum never told me that DD had called Emily a bitch. DD admitted that off her own back as well as other bits of information that I didn't know about. I think DD has realised what she's done but I do believe that she's been truthful with me.

I'm going to take everyone's advice and sit tight and see what happens... I'm also going to have a good chat with DD later, thank you

Both girls and the mum sound like they need to check their aggression and over something as pointless as a teenage boy. She needs to do lots of work on her maturity as she obviously doesn't have the social skills to handle relationships like this yet.

I think if you make this into conflict with you trying to defend your DD's innocence, you risk a situation where she feels unable to climb down and admit to wrongdoing.

If she did grab another girl's arm hard enough to leave marks, that was very wrong. But she put herself in a situation where she couldn't control her temper, and I think that is the bigger issue. You need to talk to her about strategies for coping with life when she feels furious with another person, because she is going to face those situations pretty regularly as an adult.

Maybe if you and she can talk about what she could have done differently and how adults manage their emotions when they're furious and hurt, she'll be able to find a way to apologise rather than getting you and this other mum into a conflict situation.

(If it was me, I'd be saying to your DD that going to confront someone in anger is not a good idea, and maybe the other mum needs to get the message that inviting teenage girls inside to continue an argument like that wasn't a very mature thing to do either.)

no angel
Was she a spirited child too?

Perhaps your DD is denying she grabbed the other girl because she realises it is serious, much more so than just a slanging match.
The other girl has marks, your DD has none, she is not even saying she was assaulted.
The other girl's mum had the guts to come and discuss it with you - you've known each other for a long time, does she seem like the type who would make up stuff to get your DD in trouble with the police?!
My view is your DD grabbed Emily, realised she had fucked up and is deep in denial.
Sit tight, wait and see what happens, hopefully this is a massive life lesson for your DD.

Lol. My sibling used to mark themselves after we had a row to get me in trouble. I agree with @Peoniesandpeaches.

I would just say and yes I will be reporting you for pushing my daughter.

Being called a bitch is barely crime of the century and she probably went round to have a bitch but why did the mother invite her in?

All silly teenage stuff and maybe that girl will learn not to date her mates boyfriends.

The mum could have done it herself getting her daughter to come in the house and not realized

Yes this is a possibility but I’m not sure Emily wouldn’t have realised her mum was hurting her.

or done it while pushing the OPs daughter out

I don’t understand this. How could the mum have hurt Emily’s wrist when pushing OPs DD?

Thank you so much for your really unhelpful sarcastic comment @AuntieMarys , much appreciated.

Is it so crazy to think that Emily might have marked herself and then tried to blame DD or that Emily's mum pushed DD in the heat of the moment and then realised what had happened?

How can people say that DD is definitely guilty when there's no proof? Yes, she has a mark on her wrist but how do we know that Emily didn't do that to herself?

You’re understandably defensive OP but you need to be realistic. Do you really think they had this altercation at Emily’s and then pretty much immediately Emily was smart enough to injure herself and either tell her mum your DD did it when she wasn’t looking or get her mother to lie and say DD did it and then go straight round to yours to tell you about it?

You need to screw your head back on your shoulders.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Perhaps your DD is denying she grabbed the other girl because she realises it is serious, much more so than just a slanging match. The other girl has marks, your DD has none, she is not even saying she was assaulted. The other girl's mum had the guts to come and discuss it with you - you've known each other for a long time, does she seem like the type who would make up stuff to get your DD in trouble with the police?! My view is your DD grabbed Emily, realised she had fucked up and is deep in denial. Sit tight, wait and see what happens, hopefully this is a massive life lesson for your DD.

Yes. This.