DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl

[Inapickle5]

Morning all, not sure what I’m after here but here goes…

DD15 has been accused of assaulting another girl last night (call her Emily). The backstory is that DD had a boyfriend for around 6 months and they were together up until around 3 weeks ago. This boy is now seeing Emily who lives in the same village as us and understandably DD is very upset about it. It was her first boyfriend and DD also use to be friends with Emily. Anyway, we had a chat about it a couple of weeks ago and she seemed to be OK, spending a lot of time with her friends instead. I know that she’s been looking forward to going back to school to see some of her other friends that she’s not been able to visit during the holidays. I thought she was OK and over this boy as she hasn’t really spoken about him since the break up.

DD went out yesterday with a couple of her friends, her curfew is 10pm at the moment.
Around 8:30pm there was a knock on the door from Emily’s mum. We know each other as it’s a very small village and our families have grown up together. She was very upset and explained that DD had assaulted Emily, apparently grabbing her arm and leaving a mark/bruise, DD had also been rude to Emily’s mum. I didn’t really get the backstory from her as she was so flustered at the time and then left but did say that she would be logging it with the police. I immediately phoned DD and told her to come home. She’s explained her side of the story which matches up with some of the information that Emily’s mum gave me, but has denied putting her hands on Emily. There were some messages exchanged over Instagram between the two of them, calling each other names and arguing over this boy. Emily then said to DD “come up to my house and we will have it out here”. DD has shown me these messages.

DD then went up to the house and they both started arguing in the street. The boy was upstairs apparently. Emily’s mum then came out to see what was going on and told DD to go inside with them to talk about it. Two of DD friends stayed outside and waited for her. Emily’s mum started asking them questions as she didn’t know why they were fighting. At that point the girls starting arguing again and DD called Emily a “bitch” and so Emily’s mum told DD to get out. This is when DD apparently grabbed Emily by the arm and assaulted her. DD has a different story and has said that when she got up to leave Emily’s mum pushed DD out the front door.

DD has shown me a picture that Emily has put up in some group chat of her arm. I’ve taken DD’s phone off her for the time being so she cannot contact these people, but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. By no means is DD an angel and I will be having a serious chat with her at some point about all of this but I really don’t believe that she’s hurt Emily. She’s been truthful with me about all of the messages, swearing and admitted to calling Emily a nasty name but she’s still denying that she assaulted her. Ive not heard anything from the police or Emily’s mum but I don't want to contact Emily's mum and cause another argument. Should I give the police a ring myself and log it with them but explain what DD has told me? I don't want DD to be in trouble, believe me she's in enough trouble at home. I don't believe that Emily is an angel either and she was clearly winding DD up in the messages. They are both as bad as each other imo. I I just have no idea how to handle this situation and any advice would be appreciated...

Don't contact anyone apart from your school's pastoral care team if they go to the same school. Consider anger management training for your daughter as this issue won't go away. Going to the other girls house was a terrible idea and it would be helpful to fully discuss with her how to deal with this sort of issue in the future.
It sounds like the mother was scared about how the entire situation unfolded.It would be helpful for your daughter to get a clear picture of what constitutes assault and the implications for her if she gets into trouble.

This whole episode doesn't warrant the amount of soul searching and energy you are putting into it.

It goes like this:
*Dd I am not interested in the minute details, but it was foolish of you to seek out the other girl - and btw the ex boyfriend isn't worth it!

*I sincerity hope you didn't lay hands on the other girl - physical aggression is never justified. If you did grab her arm, know this, next time you could receive a criminal conviction for assault

*Going forward, avoid the other girl and don't engage.

No further unpicking of events necessary

@Streamside

Don't contact anyone apart from your school's pastoral care team if they go to the same school. Consider anger management training for your daughter as this issue won't go away. Going to the other girls house was a terrible idea and it would be helpful to fully discuss with her how to deal with this sort of issue in the future. It sounds like the mother was scared about how the entire situation unfolded.It would be helpful for your daughter to get a clear picture of what constitutes assault and the implications for her if she gets into trouble.

Maybe Emily shouldn’t have told dd to come over and the mum shouldn’t have invited dd in. And why were the two friends told to wait outside? Seems odd.

@LolaButt

Why would your daughter be grabbing the other girl as she was walking out the door?

Doesn’t make sense to me. Makes more sense that the mum has got a bit handy with your daughter and has then promptly shit herself as she knows she’s overstepped.

I don’t get that either.

Sorry my bulleted list is a bit much

Daft question perhaps but where were your daughters friends? Where there any witnesses?
The truth is probably somewhere between all their accounts.
The mum was clearly riled up so clearly the situation really upset her....how was your daughters demeanour?
No one is perfect especially teenagers who lack the emotional capacity to deal with very adult feelings and emotions.
She made a mistake and will hopefully learn from it... her biggest mistake was putting herself in a very vulnerable situation and has left herself open to allegations.
I doubt the police will do much possibly just interview her I can't see them taking it any further.

And this is the bull-shit that the police are expected to sort out.

I think if E mum was going to call the police she’s have done it already. She’s BSing.

The amount of extrapolation and making stuff up out of very little information on this thread is amazing. It's very easy to see how you'd never find out the truth with only 3 "witnesses" who were all involved.

@FannyBrice

I agree, sit on your hands, keep the phone and do not engage with the family at all If the police do contact you do not accept a caution, this will follow her for life if you do, it takes you into serious grounds

Follow her for life?! Cautions stay on your record for 12 years! 🤣

@Inapickle5

I think that's quite harsh *@CallMeNutribullet*. In what way am I enabling bad behaviour? I've already said countless times that DD was wrong for going up there, engaging with them, sending nasty messages, calling Emily names and being rude to her mum. That's not the way she was brought up and I am disappointed. I'm upset that she chose to go up there and put herself in that situation, rather than come to me, her dad or even her older sister as we could have talked it through and helped her. She chose to go up there and confront Emily knowing that it could possibly turn physical, and that's something that she needs to learn from. At no point have I said that my daughter is blameless here or even a victim but I don't believe that she is lying about the assault.

Unfortunately there's a LOT of posters on here with astoundingly poor reading comprehension. Also some who intentionally miss parts of what the OP says, in order to fit their own narrative. It's all part of this new internet 'trend' of virtue signaling and always searching for ways to find the OP at fault. They find it fun

Girls lie and make stuff up.

Just let it take it's natural course and be in your DD side no matter what.

And if this Emily girl started it then so be it. Turn your DD was just defending herself

Is there a chance the mum grabbed her daughter's wrist to pull her inside when they started arguing? Or your daughter grabbed Emily's wrist when her mum started pushing her outside? Its very physical for a mum to push a 15 year old. Maybe Emily's mum was physical with her daughter?
People have different skin - if you were to grab my son's wrist he would turn black and blue - if you did the same to my daughter you wouldn't see a mark.

@MrsRobbieHart

or she knew her Mum would be annoyed that she was naive enough to go to the girls house and be set up

Possibly. But I doubt it tbh.

Im inclined to believe this version ..

• If DD was really lying (at least about the physical aspect of the altercation), she would have said Emily pushed her, not her mother. Emily pushing her gives DD cause to grab her. Accusing the mother would be a really bad lie on all levels.
• Grabbing a wrist is an odd thing for en emotional 15 year old to do. Much more likely to go for the hair, whether the mother was there or not.
• DD got herself into a really bad situation, tell her so, but don't believe a word of the other party. It just doesn't make sense. Hopefully she learns to make better decisions, usually comes with age an experience.
• I say this as someone who did get in fights (never about boys), bullies always find a way to make themselves the victim. Their parents are usually stupid enough to fall for it, or are complicit in some way.
• Boy troubles are stupid

What an ugly series of events, OP. Do the details even matter?

If I were you I’d be too ashamed to talk about it, never mind broadcast it over the internet, looking for some sort of validation that your daughter was actually the victim.

Why not let the police deal with it? Sounds like she deserves it.

@Boredmotherofone
Follow her for life?! Cautions stay on your record for 12 years

You shouldn’t state things as truth when they aren’t.

All record even spent ones show up on enhanced dbs checks. So for example it would show up on teachers and social workers dbs checks.

Its very physical for a mum to push a 15 year old.

Not necessarily. It all depends whether she pushed in the way you'd push a reluctant child out of the door or shoved her in the back hard so she sprawled on the path outside. I suspect it was more akin to the former rather than the latter scenario.

Whatever the truth is , this shows the OP's DD what happens when things get out of hand and how there can be two different versions of events. Hopefully she's learnt something from it!

'Why did she even go to this girls house if she wasn’t looking for a fight?'

Why would the girl have said to OP's daughter “come up to my house and we will have it out here” if she wasn't looking for one?

Well, it was two on one inside that house; one of them was an adult; and they were on home turf. Mum might easily be lying for her daughter. Who the hell knows? I'd be telling my daughter not to engage in scraps like something out of 'Prisoner: Cell Block H'. It's a bit pathetic, really.

Good of the bf to hide upstairs like a complete doily 🙄 Hopefully they'll realize how stupid it is to come to blows over such a streak of piss.

It's possible either side is lying.

I doubt they're lying that Emily was given a bruise on the wrist by op's dd, because if they were going to bother lying about that, it's a pretty small thing to lie about-why not go for something bigger? If I was going to lie about such things to Op and potentially the police, why keep it to a small bruise? There's plenty of accusations they could make that would leave little or no obvious damage.

But posters are not right in that it wouldn't count as assault. I was surprised when I called the police to say some kids had thrown a (full) fizzy drink from 2nd floor of a multi-storey carpark next to me. I phoned because I knew it was a busy area and thought they could let security know.
They classed it as an assault and took it seriously. I was only splashed!! I was not looking for that at all, merely stopping it before the silliness going on got out of hand.

“Come up to my house and we will have it out here” could be that she thought op's dd would discuss it and they then could move on. If she was planning on going for her physically wouldn't she have chosen away from the house, and possibly with others as back up? I think the most likely here is that they both thought they could discuss it reasonably, and things got out of hand.

Different view here.. Perhaps try explaining to your daughter that it is simply dangerous and unwise to have this sort of arguments in other people's houses, especially when these people are not friends. She can get in trouble with police and it might have long term drastic effect for her future. Not even 'love of her life' is worth it.He is not a prize.
On the other hand I wouldn't punish my daughter for calling a girl a bitch if she is indeed a bitch. Instead of punishment I would explain how it might badly impact her using the events of the night as an example.
From your post OP I can see no reasons to believe the girl was 'assaulted'. At a push she grabbed her arm in a heated argument. Not nice but I wouldn't call it an assault. What makes me believe this 'assault' story even less is the behaviour of Emily's mother. Why did she come to you rather than police if he child was assaulted? Why did she threatened you with the charges? I bet she just wanted to scare you so your daughter stays away from this Emily girl.
To be fair your daughter should stay away from her.

Bullies always find a way to make themselves the victim This is so true!

“Come up to my house and we will have it out here” could be that she thought op's dd would discuss it and they then could move on"

Hm, I doubt it.

In fairness - bullies always make themselves a victim, together with the complicit parent, could just as easily be about the daughter and the OP, as about Emily. None of us on this thread can possibly know. I admit I may have been naive as to whether a mother would lie - OP what were your impressions of this woman before now?
Thinking about it, probably the most damage would be done by obviously not believing your daughter. At the same time, it has to be admitted she would have motivation for not telling the truth. Maybe just keep the head down. I think the po with the bullet points probably could it most right!