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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
Flymeoutofhere · 02/09/2021 23:19

Delete and block. Anyone, adult DC or Ex, who sent me a ‘ton of abuse’ over money would not be looked upon favourably.

Timeforachangetoday12 · 02/09/2021 23:19

Whether it’s the son or mother replying is irrelevant. I agree the money should go straight to the son. My husbands divorced parents had a awful parenting relationship and once my husband turned 18 and finished school the money stopped. But his Dad did pay directly to my husband during uni years.
It didn’t fix the long term damage but did remove some of his mothers control.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2021 23:20

Nope I wouldn’t be paying anyone who sent me demands of money followed up with a ton of abuse.

Getawaywithit · 02/09/2021 23:24

Agree with PPs, if you are going to give him some money, do it directly.

when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc

So child maintenance is only to pay for clothes and school stuff? There wouldn’t possibly be other ways the child has benefitted from this money?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 23:29

He doesn’t need to pay his ex or his son. His son is an adult, it’s his choice to go to uni, he can ask his mum for support and/or get a job on the side. It’s also his son’s choice not to want a relationship with his dad so expecting money from him is ridiculous.

So sorry your husband went through that.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:30

So child maintenance is only to pay for clothes and school stuff? There wouldn’t possibly be other ways the child has benefitted from this money?

No I get she obvs put a roof over his head but she would tell us she couldn’t afford to buy him any clothes so could we buy him a whole new wardrobe three times a year but would be out all weekend, plus we know from her family (when we’re still in contact) that she had to move regularly because of bailiffs at the door for unpaid rent and bills etc, even though she would have her nails, lashes etc done every three weeks.

We have no direct contact at all with DSS so wouldn’t know if the money would actually go to him or be spent on her.

If I had some trust it would go to DSS it would be less of an issue.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 23:32

Even if things were amicable, it would be normal to pay an adult student direct. It’s nothing to do with the ex what DH gives his son. And again, he’s not obliged to give a penny.

mintiesforus · 02/09/2021 23:33

Dreadful behaviour regardless of whether it was his DS or his mother. I’d seriously consider saying no to any future funding as the DS is an adult now and parental financial support at Uni is nice to have but should never be guaranteed. If any DC of mine gave me a ton of abuse over money they would be making their own way through Uni.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:33

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you, the abuse wasn’t so much about asking for money but how much we’d upset DSS by offering to pay him direct instead of just giving it to his mother as we were strangers to him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 23:39

Who gives a shit what she thinks OP, neither of you ever needs to hear from her again. Block her and put her from your mind Flowers

Spaceformetoo · 02/09/2021 23:40

I highly doubt DSS was upset because you’d offered to pay him direct! The Ex just wants to get her mitts on your money for a while longer. He may not even be aware that she’s asked for more money, and may not even see a penny of it.

Don’t respond and just block her. DSS is an adult now and it’s up to him to seek a relationship with his DF if he wishes to, and he certainly should never get money, as an adult, from a DF that he shuns.

Bebabelouba · 02/09/2021 23:42

Is the way dss funding for uni (loan etc) based on your dh income?
If so I think it would be unfair not to continue to financially support dss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 23:45

@Bebabelouba

Is the way dss funding for uni (loan etc) based on your dh income? If so I think it would be unfair not to continue to financially support dss.
How could it possibly be? It’s based on the income in the house he lives in, his mother’s.

She also hasn’t says they with support him, though they shouldn’t, only that they don’t want it to go via his mother.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:47

@Spaceformetoo I feel like that but I don’t know what she will have said to DSS to make him hate him so, so don’t really blame him, we have absolutely no way of contacting him direct though so I think we will just have to wait until/if he contacts us-which I doubt he will…apparently we are weird and controlling because we asked for his bank details 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:49

@Bebabelouba I have no idea, I doubt it as we have had no contact at all for 11 years until we stopped payment today.

OP posts:
Medievalist · 02/09/2021 23:49

Did your DH try to initiate contact when his son became old enough for his mother to not be able to block him?

Driftingblue · 02/09/2021 23:50

I would pay directly to the student as well. Even if you were on excellent terms I would pay to the student.

Clocktopus · 02/09/2021 23:51

What did the original maintenence agreement say? Was there anything mentioned in it about support at university?

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:51

@Bebabelouba were more than happy to contribute too, but only to the DSS direct as we don’t trust the mother, I just wanted to check independently that that wasn’t a weird and controlling stance…

OP posts:
Bebabelouba · 02/09/2021 23:51

@AnneLovesGilbert hence why asked the question.
IMO that's the relevant part.
Relationships can change as people grow older and are at different stages of life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 23:52

Of course it’s not. It’s very sensible.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:53

@Medievalist yes a few years back before we were blocked, he got a load of abuse and threats from DSS and the mother then too, we was about 12 at the time.

OP posts:
Bebabelouba · 02/09/2021 23:54

OP I hope that establishing some direct contact allows an opportunity to build a relationship.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:55

@Clocktopus no formal agreement was ever in place he’s always just paid every month the agreed amount.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 02/09/2021 23:55

You could suggest a cheque if he doesn't want to pass on bank details.