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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 02/09/2021 23:55

DSS is an adult. All contact of any kind should now be direct with him.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:59

@lanthanum good idea but we have no address either unfortunately to send it to.

OP posts:

Medievalist · 03/09/2021 00:00

I guess at 12 he's going to believe whatever lies his mum tells him. But surely at 18/19 it's worth your dh reaching out to him to tell his side of things and try to build a relationship with his son? He's old enough now surely to understand there are two sides to the story?

I only ask because him going to uni seems like a good opportunity to do this.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:03

@Medievalist unfortunately, other than setting up fake SM accounts (which does feel a bit stalkerish) we have no way of contacting him, we are all (including our kids) blocked from his social media, the ex only unblocked us today to respond to the money not being in the bank.

OP posts:

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:04

It seems very reasonable to give funds direct to the son but very unreasonable for the financial support to happen without any contact.

From what you’ve written the son probably hasn’t had much choice in the matter and has probably had a tough time. If you can renew contact that might make a big difference to him. If you don’t try to contact him he might believe his dad isn’t interested in him and abandoned him or whatever it is he has been told for the last 11 years. .

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:11

@Darker I was hoping my DH would have some contact but we can’t contact him direct and actually the message we received from DSS threatened the police if we carried on asking for his details instead of just paying his mum, it was all a bit weird tbh. But also a bit sad and just generally makes us feel a bit powerless to do anything.

OP posts:

LemonSwan · 03/09/2021 00:16

No 18/19 yo is going to be abusive because you wanted to pay them money directly instead of via the mum.

Its the mum for sure.

Whats even odder is that the son has blocked the whole family on SM and then unblocked to shout about money (when its blatantly the mother). How does she have his password! No 18/19 yo would give that out either.

Its a layer on layer mystery

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:18

All you can do is persevere. On the face of it, it seems unlikely he wrote that himself.

Could you compose a letter asking him to tell his dad about his university and degree? At the moment you only have mum’s word that he is still in education.

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:21

Have you spoken to a solicitor? I have no idea what the law is but this all seems very wrong and abusive.

QuinnMovesOn · 03/09/2021 00:21

This is very straightforward. The son is an adult and you have no reason to conduct any further business with his mother. I'm also dubious that the message you received was from the son and not the mother pretending to be the son.

I would suggest what friends of mine did to try to reconnect with adult children... create a public website that lists the son's name and include a way to contact you. If he searches the internet for his own name, which many people do, he will find the site. Do be careful about imposters and scammers, of course. Also you may want to be cautious and save all money transfer records permanently as another thing the ex may want to do is pursue you in court as this was an informal arrangement and not a court-ordered child maintenance (if I'm reading things correctly), and the ex is now not going to receive any more funds from you.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:25

@LemonSwan ah only the ex unblocked her account stating he had typed the message, she was very controlling though hence the stopping access when he had driven all the way down or demanding he come down immediately (7 hour drive) if her sitter had let her down. She was also very controlling when they were together too, I’ve heard from multiple people, including some of her friends she had up here.

OP posts:

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:26

If mum has attempted to get money from the dad via deception that must surely be illegal and there must be recourse in law?

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:27

@Darker agreed but we have no way of getting that letter to him, in fairness he could well be working and could have been for years we have no idea

OP posts:

QuinnMovesOn · 03/09/2021 00:29

I'll add that the idea of hiring a solicitor to initiate contact with the son is also good. I doubt the ex would threaten to call the police on a solicitor. It's laughable to threaten to do that to you, definitely not likely to impress a solicitor.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:33

@QuinnMovesOn that’s an interesting idea we will try that, re records we have all of them saved, she did go to CSA once but was told she should get less than we were paying so came back to us for direct payment.

@Darker possibly but I doubt it would go very far, we have had to pay numerous bills for her in the distant past , a 10 grand credit card bill she had a spare card of my DH abs racked it up when she left him, he was struggling with that when I met him. And a 7 grand tax bill where she had been overpaid stuff but they couldn’t get hold of her so made my DH liable for it

OP posts:

QuinnMovesOn · 03/09/2021 00:33

Also I'm pretty sure that if the ex impersonates the son for the purpose of extracting money from you under false pretenses, that's criminal fraud.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:34

@QuinnMovesOn good idea, I assume that they would be able to locate him etc.

OP posts:

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/09/2021 00:37

Id keep copies of the messages in case dhs son ever gets in touch with him.

I wouldn't be sending any more money to her

araiwa · 03/09/2021 00:37

I wouldn't be sending a single penny to the mum.

And if there is no way of contacting son because he has actively blocked any means of contact then you can't send it to him either... His choice,. Maybe you should accept it

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:39

How has he been paying her? Surely he must have her bank details? That might be a starting place for the law.

The creditors are not in the same game - they may have seen your partner as more likely to be good for the money.

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:40

@QuinnMovesOn I think the son would back her though as she’s his mum. The general theme went like this… sent message asking for bank details from son to pay direct, got message from ex stating son would like to send you a message further message from ex saying sorry he’s very upset as you can see and doesn’t want the money direct but you can put it in my bank and I’ll pay it to him…

I think it’s a bit fishy but also want to help out DSS, really don’t feel comfortable continuing to pay ex direct though. I just wanted to check I wasn’t being too emotive and that our actions are reasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:44

@Darker yes we have paid via standing order, albeit cancelled now, not sure if you can give those out without permission under GDPR though.

And yes he was obviously the better one to contact as she (from when he first met her to when contact stopped ) has nothing had a job that lasted more than two months.

OP posts:

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:48

You’ve got a phone number and bank details for her plus demands for money with no proof it’s for the son so you’ve got enough for the police to be able to trace her. I’d get some legal advice.

Darker · 03/09/2021 00:52

It might be enough to just get some legal advice and then tell her you will pursue this through the courts.

BlackShadowCat · 03/09/2021 00:54

I don't understand why the OP needs legal advice on this. They've stated their position and it's a reasonable position, so it's up to the DSS. He can either comply or he doesn't get the money. It seems pretty simple to me. But, yes, keep copies of all correspondence.

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