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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 06:38

@MayorGoodwaysChicken she moved away to be with her new boyfriend. My DH and mum were together for two years until she left….

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/09/2021 06:43

Honestly, I would just ignore them and keep the money. If ds is off to uni, he will have applied for finance based on his mother's income.
There is no financial obligation once school is finished. At thar point it is down to the relationship with the child and there is none.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 06:46

@autummvibes thank you, it was a really hard time and the decision not to chase contact again was not taken lightly, I suppose I’m defending it because until I’d lived through it I would probably been saying but you keep trying. In reality it’s just not that black and white, like everything there comes a time when you just have say enough now… I think the sobbing call from his son was that limit for DH.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 03/09/2021 06:47

I think all you can do (if it's viable) is keep putting money away for him in a suitable amount and way, and make this clear to him. Approaching via a solicitor is a good idea as someone suggested up thread. It may be that the blinkers fall off DSS as he gets older and he sees his mother for what she is. He may be so controlled and manipulated by her that he's never able to see it. But either way, given that he's an adult, there's little you can do to compel him to be in contact.

Whatever the case though, I would absolutely not be giving any additional money to his horrible mother, regardless of what she says it's for.

anon12345678901 · 03/09/2021 06:53

He's not a child anymore, he's a young adult apparently going off to uni. I'm sorry but you have supported him as you should have done, you are right to stop it now going to the mother. Reading all the posts, it honestly sounds like you have tried so hard to see him but the ex has destroyed any chance of a relationship. If he's blocked you and the kids on everything, that will be him. He doesn't want contact then that's fine, he cannot and she cannot expect money to continue. I would leave it, for both you and your husbands mental health.

Iwonder08 · 03/09/2021 06:58

I voted YABU only because I think it is unreasonable to even contemplate givigg either of them any money for uni. I strongly believe 19 year old going to unI is adult enough to be responsible for his own actions and if he chose not to contact his dad and try to talk it through he shouldnt ask for money either

44PumpLane · 03/09/2021 07:00

Honestly, as hard as this is for your DH I wpiod stop all monies.

If his adult son wants money from his father he can work for it this time. Yes it's absolutely not the sons fault, it sounds as if his mother has done a number on him, however it doesn't give him a lifetime free pass...... If the son has been filled with hatred he can't expect to also receive a load of cash monthly.

As an adult we make choices, those choices impact our lives, as an adult now the son needs to decide if the money is important enough to him to be a grown up and reach out to his father to ask for the cash.

Put the money you would give him into his christmas/birthday account monthly so that if he ever does reach out and meaningfully engage he can see you hadnt forgotten about him.

But if he ever does come back to you I wouldn't be throwing this money at him, I'd want to see a meaningful relationship develop before giving him access to the money to protect yourselves. If it never does, perhaps consider donating that money to NSPCC or similar.

MilesOfSand · 03/09/2021 07:04

I don’t think the Private Investigator idea is such a bad one. Your DH could write a letter saying he loves him, wanted contact, still would but no pressure. Also that he’s happy to pay money and for it all to be confidential if his son wishes etc etc.

Then he’ll know his son at least knows (as he doesn’t now) and the ball is in his court.

Eralos · 03/09/2021 07:04

If they won’t give you his bank details, I’d save an amount for him each month anyway so if he does get in contact later you can give him a lump sum of what you’ve been saving for him.

Darker · 03/09/2021 07:11

But how would the son contact the father? If the mother has succeeded in making the boy uncontactable, she’ll have made the same effort to keep the dad’s details from her son.

It’s abuse.

Whydidimarryhim · 03/09/2021 07:12

You cannot trust this woman. She is nasty and cruel.
The poor boy having a mother like this and being kept away from his father.
Stop the child maintenance- but put it to one side every month -= you don’t know he’s definitely going to uni but you can save it up.
Can you write to him - can you check electrol role for an address.
Don’t send it to her - she clearly hasn’t got his best interest to heart.

louisejxxx · 03/09/2021 07:18

YANBU and I’m really sorry that all this has happened to dh.

Jemand · 03/09/2021 07:18

[quote Thinkingannie]@Darker I was hoping my DH would have some contact but we can’t contact him direct and actually the message we received from DSS threatened the police if we carried on asking for his details instead of just paying his mum, it was all a bit weird tbh. But also a bit sad and just generally makes us feel a bit powerless to do anything.[/quote]
Point out that the police will hardly be interested in a father who just wants his son's bank account details so he can give said son some money for university.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 07:20

Just go to a solicitor and contact the young man that way and (hopefully) reach out.

Dashel · 03/09/2021 07:22

I would leave it for 6 months when hopefully the son is away at uni and get a private investigator to track him down and handover a letter saying that he misses him dearly and wants to be part of his life again, even in secret and he would like to meet up in time and reconnect. Don’t mention money and apologise that things are the way they are, and that I’m sure your Mum and I have different versions of what has happened, I love you very much and the door is always open, even if you aren’t ready for it. I would give all your contact details even an email in case he feels more comfortable with that and then I would send another card just before he moves out of the student place at the end of the academic year.

femfemlicious · 03/09/2021 07:24

Just dont send them any money. He is an adult now. Of he eants money from you, he needs to call you and ask for it.

DontBeAHaterDear · 03/09/2021 07:24

I wouldn’t be giving the ex anything now but it’s not uncommon for RP and NRP to help their children out at least in the first year of university. It’s your call though, and no one should be sending anyone abusive messages.

I noticed in your OP there’s a lot “we” when actually this is down to your husband, the child’s father. It’s great you’re so supportive but I’m wondering why it’s “are we being unreasonable to stop paying child support” when it’s only your husband paying it. Also, whether he pays it or not, the CMS amount is the minimum (legal) amount to be paid so the child’s father taking the child clothes shopping while he has him is certainly not some terrible affliction or at all unreasonable. Child maintenance payments are expected to go towards the child’s general upkeep, not just clothing and school supplies.

Whinginadeville · 03/09/2021 07:24

Walk away he is an adult now allow him to be an adult he will come to you if he wants money/relationship or not if he doesn't. You can't change what has happened you can only change your behaviour block her and try to move on.

MeanderingGently · 03/09/2021 07:24

Do not pay anything. The son is an adult, and your DH has had no contact or ever seen him recently.
I wouldn't be sending anything over, even directly to a random bank account (details could be anyone's).....son needs to be seen in person, given some money personally or not at all.

When I was divorced, my ex paid a small amount for each child, as soon as they were adults, no payments. Perfectly acceptable. My children have their own relationship with their father and if he wants to support them or give them anything it goes to them, I am no longer involved and out of the loop these days. As it should be.

gogohm · 03/09/2021 07:27

If things were amicable it's fine to pay the mother - my exh gives me spousal maintenance to cover university costs for my two, plus the cost of feeding the one who lives with me holidays etc. But in these circumstances it's trickier - I would establish who the tirade was from, if it's the son then I'm not sure I would pay with talking directly with him without his mother in earshot. Yes it's long distance but he could have made the effort to visit himself in the last couple of years too! (Yes I know covid but 2019 perhaps???)

CutePanda · 03/09/2021 07:28

This is so sad. I would stop ALL money to dss and ex. He will be getting full whack student maintenance loan so won’t be in great need of financial support. If you want to help (despite years of abuse) then maybe you could arrange to buy his compulsory reading list (just send the books, not money)?

He is an adult and he will get full whack student maintenance loan and maybe a grant. If he still needs money then he can work part-time. Don’t give him money.

FlipFlops4Me · 03/09/2021 07:30

We paid for my Scottish dsd's through their degrees at Uni, and the older dsd said she'd not use our money through her masters and doctorate and got herself a job. The younger one demanded we fund her masters but we pointed out that her sister had taken a job and funded her own, so we wouldn't contribute any further to her education.

We got an absolute torrent of abuse from her and her mother but we held firm and in the end she got a job. Turned out she was pissed off because she'd had a job all along but had used our money for life's luxuries. They lived in Scotland so Uni was free.....

daisypond · 03/09/2021 07:33

@Miniroofbox

Just go to a solicitor and contact the young man that way and (hopefully) reach out.
How would a solicitor contact him? There’s no known address or phone number or any contact details at all.
Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 07:35

The solicitor can write to the solicitor the mother used to use? Or use a tracing agent?

gogohm · 03/09/2021 07:35

But unfortunately there's no excuses for no contact, your dh is amiss for not going to court 11 years ago. It took my exh 20 years to get over the fact his father didn't pursue contact (his mother was a difficult woman and threatened him to make up abuse to the courts) and his relationship now is ok but he missed out on having a proper dad.

Distance isn't an excuse, your dh took the easy option and just paid money to alleviate guilt