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Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 03/09/2021 08:03

Dreadful behaviour from ex. Even if dss himself does behave badly though you are still obliged to pay maintenance while he is at uni (you say you are in scotland- it’s called aliment there). You should pay it directly to an adult though. Hopefully your dh will repair any poor relationship with his dad over time.

sandgrown · 03/09/2021 08:05

As DSS in advanced education there is no legal requirement to pay CM unless the ex applies to court for an order until age 21 or the end of university. She would have to prove DSS was there .Block her but save an amount of money in case DSS contacts you himself . He could use it later to pay off any loans . Try to contact DSS through relatives as he may not even know what is going on . Ex is obviously unhappy she has lost a source of income . Just block and ignore now DSS is an adult .

DGFB · 03/09/2021 08:06

You should only pay the son directly and after your DH gets to meet his son in person and tell him how hard he tried to have a relationship with him.
Block the mother - do not give her any money.
You both sound wonderful and I hope somewhere along the line you can have a relationship with this boy

Darker · 03/09/2021 08:06

The father is not obliged to pay anything once the child had left secondary school.

CayrolBaaaskin · 03/09/2021 08:10

@FlipFlops4Me -in scotland you are obliged to maintain your child until they are 25 if they are in full time education. Pretty off to be telling them to get a job instead of a masters and not paying what you are obliged. You’re lucky that they presumably cared about your dh enough not to sue him. Imo these obligations should be strictly and more easily enforced.

Cuck00soup · 03/09/2021 08:17

Are undergraduate degrees not free in Scotland?

Any money would be to support his living costs and I’m sure would be welcome by DSS. I’m also fairly certain that he would prefer to receive the income directly. It is not impossible that his mother is financially abusing him too.

As a PP said upthread, being at Uni and seeing other family set ups could be eye opening.

Flakjacketon · 03/09/2021 08:17

If I were you I would put the money, you would pay, in a separate account for him. If he is going to uni, hopefully he can break away from his mother's controlling ways and try to find his father himself and at that point he will receive a bit of a windfall.

I would message ex confirming that as son is an adult she is no longer entitled to receive CM for him. However you are willing to support his studies but only by paying him directly; if he doesn't want this that is SS's choice. Don't mention the nest egg.

I would also try to get some details of his uni course just to try and confirm that he is actually going.

It does sound like your DH's ex has financial issues and has depended on the CM to get by.

Don't feel guilty your DH has done the right thing by his son, under very difficult circumstances, and I hope that one day son grows a pair and finds his father.

Whattodoffs · 03/09/2021 08:21

Even if CM payments were paid through the CMS they would stop when he turned 18 regardless of him being at Uni, or whatever the circumstances.
As a general rule the court will not make an order to support them.

My DSD is at Uni and whilst we don't pay any CM for her anymore, we make sure she doesn't go without, buy her shopping, help her out in any way we can, although I fully appreciate you are not in a position to be able to do that for your DSS x

Chickychickydodah · 03/09/2021 08:23

I wouldn’t give him anything . Delete and block

Fundays12 · 03/09/2021 08:25

OP what his ex has done is parental alienation. It’s all based around control so it’s very likely she is desperately trying to claw back some control over her son and your partner. Your step son may well have spent his life having very little control over it. Does your partner have any way of contacting his son directly? If so I would suggest you offer to pay directly only but look into family mediation services. They can be done on zoom it might be a way to try and start building a relationship with his son as young man. This young man maybe angry and is likely to have been told a lot of lies may also be very confused. He is trying to start his life out as an adult his dad supporting him directly via money may help him and reduce his mother’s control over him.

oakleaffy · 03/09/2021 08:25

What an appalling and sad situation.
women who abuse their child's fathers like this are doing their child/ren no favours at all.

I knew a man like this, barred from seeing his daughter, and it backfired hugely when she reached an age when she could make her own decisions... She and her dad are really close now.

It seems to be such a common thing for angry women to mess about 'Contact'...and the child loses out...Especially if the woman is angry at being left.
I was left, but one has to think of the child's relationship with their father.

I feel sorry for the Stepson, he probably has has poison dripped into his ear by his bitter mother.

Don't pay her a penny, OP. The son is now an adult.

MollyButton · 03/09/2021 08:28

This is one situation where I would hire a private investigator to find the step son and to pass onto him a simple message giving contact details for his father if he wanted to use them.

Howareyouflower · 03/09/2021 08:29

I'd suggest you open a bank account labelled Son's Uni, and transfer the money into that. If/when the son contacts him, you will have it there to show/give to him.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 08:31

At this point I would send a message saying your door is always open to DSS but you won't be sending any money after that last message, and certainly not if it wouldn't be going directly to him. He's an adult, he can support himself if that's how he chooses to behave.

peoplewatching · 03/09/2021 08:35

Its most likely going direct to the mother I'm afraid, with her son now going to University her chid benefits will massively reduce so she's out of pocket.

Backtomyoldname · 03/09/2021 08:37

You could send a cheque to your DSS c/o the mother marked a/c payee only.

I think that is then only cashable by the DSS. You’d also be able to see if it had been cashed.

I know its an old fashioned way but in this case it does have its advantages.

You could include a note - but that may well not get to him.

BungleandGeorge · 03/09/2021 08:38

You don’t know who sent the message, does your partner have any direct contact with his son? He needs to ring him and speak to him directly surely?

I don’t think you’re correct that you have no need to pay after he’s 18. The government expects students to be maintained partly by their parents unless the child has been living independently.
Do t make the son take you to court, just pay him directly whatever is recommended. It’s expensive being a student and out of term time a parent will need to provide a place for him to stay.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 08:41

Money should go straight to the son.

daisypond · 03/09/2021 08:42

@Backtomyoldname

You could send a cheque to your DSS c/o the mother marked a/c payee only.

I think that is then only cashable by the DSS. You’d also be able to see if it had been cashed.

I know its an old fashioned way but in this case it does have its advantages.

You could include a note - but that may well not get to him.

How would they send a cheque? They don’t know the address.
Billybagpuss · 03/09/2021 08:42

@Backtomyoldname

You could send a cheque to your DSS c/o the mother marked a/c payee only.

I think that is then only cashable by the DSS. You’d also be able to see if it had been cashed.

I know its an old fashioned way but in this case it does have its advantages.

You could include a note - but that may well not get to him.

Unfortunately the bank checks aren’t as thorough as they used to be on this, you now have banking apps where you can pay the cheque in and I’m not convinced the cheques are looked at. I paid a joint cheque into my soul account as our joint one didn’t have the pay in option on the app and no comeback at all whereas 20 years ago I’d never have got away with it.
Backtomyoldname · 03/09/2021 08:43

To get a letter to him…..

Once you know the uni send a letter to him inside a letter to the student uni asking for it to be forwarded.

They should then forward it.

That’s how I got in touch with my wife to be. Her friend wouldn’t give me her address! But I knew which uni she was at. That was 40 years ago!

Good luck.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 08:43

@BungleandGeorge

You don’t know who sent the message, does your partner have any direct contact with his son? He needs to ring him and speak to him directly surely?

I don’t think you’re correct that you have no need to pay after he’s 18. The government expects students to be maintained partly by their parents unless the child has been living independently.
Do t make the son take you to court, just pay him directly whatever is recommended. It’s expensive being a student and out of term time a parent will need to provide a place for him to stay.

I don't think the DSS could take him to court? I could be wrong but I don't think so. The reality is the mum, and possibly DSS himself, have totally blocked any father/son relationship. If he struggles in uni, that's on him. The mum will have to pay, and he might have to get a part time job.
Chance5Are · 03/09/2021 08:44

I thought uni loans were calculated re where the student was living ie he’d get maximum loans if living with his mum.

I don’t think the government can enforce or expect anything re parents paying for uni.

daisypond · 03/09/2021 08:44

•does your partner have any direct contact with his son? He needs to ring him and speak to him directly surely?*

They have no address, no phone number, no social media, no contact at all.

Peanutsandchilli · 03/09/2021 08:45

Seems a little strange that a 19 year old would be abusive and refuse money from someone who was willing to give it to him directly. I'd leave the offer on the table and put some money aside for him. I would block his mother, she sounds like a basket case, and find a way of contacting your step son directly. I couldn't not support my child through uni.