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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 07:37

Also the electoral role. The bank sort code will hopefully give a branch in a town and the solicitor could go from there.

Jumpingintosummer · 03/09/2021 07:38

Do you still have access to any extended family?

I would write a letter and pass it to them.

SW1amp · 03/09/2021 07:41

@gogohm

But unfortunately there's no excuses for no contact, your dh is amiss for not going to court 11 years ago. It took my exh 20 years to get over the fact his father didn't pursue contact (his mother was a difficult woman and threatened him to make up abuse to the courts) and his relationship now is ok but he missed out on having a proper dad.

Distance isn't an excuse, your dh took the easy option and just paid money to alleviate guilt

Have you actually read the thread? Confused

How can several court processes, countless trips to see the son, etc be construed by you as ‘not pursuing contact’?

Jumpingintosummer · 03/09/2021 07:41

@FlipFlops4Me

We paid for my Scottish dsd's through their degrees at Uni, and the older dsd said she'd not use our money through her masters and doctorate and got herself a job. The younger one demanded we fund her masters but we pointed out that her sister had taken a job and funded her own, so we wouldn't contribute any further to her education.

We got an absolute torrent of abuse from her and her mother but we held firm and in the end she got a job. Turned out she was pissed off because she'd had a job all along but had used our money for life's luxuries. They lived in Scotland so Uni was free.....

Understandable stance, however a masters and doctorate can carry fees in Scotland too. We were over 8k for DH’s masters at Glasgow.
HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 07:42

@Getawaywithit

Agree with PPs, if you are going to give him some money, do it directly.

when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc

So child maintenance is only to pay for clothes and school stuff? There wouldn’t possibly be other ways the child has benefitted from this money?

OP in your original post you said dad literally had no contact, drove down to be turned away etc, but in the next breath you say you had son over regularly/often. So I'm confused did your husband have contact or not. As for CM stop paying it, open a savings account for the son and put the money in their. If son wants the money he personally can come collect the bank details/card or meet your husband at a half way point to collect. Don't give or meet the mother
RedHelenB · 03/09/2021 07:44

I wouldn't give up on seeing my child, if ops partner had carried on down the court route he may well have got residency as courts take a dim view on a parent who continually obstructs contact.

chaosrabbitland · 03/09/2021 07:45

i wouldnt be giving any money and id be well moving on from this stressful situation .

Wiredforsound · 03/09/2021 07:46

I’d put the money directly into an account for him. I’d get in touch with the relatives you’re still in touch with and let them know so that they can tell the DS that his father wants to continue to support him at uni. Hopefully the message will filter through. I’d also see if he was on social media. It is very difficult for someone to be uncontactable these days.

Damnloginpopup · 03/09/2021 07:47

It'd be a fat fuck off from me. As parent or step parent.

ifonly4 · 03/09/2021 07:49

I guess CM maintenance finishes at 16/18, so he doesn't need to pay that to his EX. As DS has chosen to go to uni and will be living mostly away from home, EX shouldn't need any money and it certainly doesn't have to go through her. I reckon she's scared that if you pay DS directly, that'll mean some sort of contact and DS might start wondering more about his DH and starting a relationship with him.

Your DH has tried to do the best he can in the circumstances and supported a DS who he doesn't have contact with. Enough is enough, he pays DS direct or nothing at all.

SW1amp · 03/09/2021 07:49

@RedHelenB

I wouldn't give up on seeing my child, if ops partner had carried on down the court route he may well have got residency as courts take a dim view on a parent who continually obstructs contact.
Nonsense

The OP has already explained the attitude of the judge at hearings - incredibly light touch, assuming things can be resolved amicably

The most likely scenario is that the mother would have strung the legal process along until the son reached 14ish when he was able to make his own decisions about contact and residency

Not a chance in hell would a judge had forced him to move away from his beloved mum to the house of a near stranger 500 miles away as punishment for the mum stopping contact, especially with him groomed to tell the courts he didn’t want to see his dad

I think unless you’ve seen first hand what happens when one parent goes out of their way to block contact and frustrate the legal process, you can’t have the first clue of how it works and how it affects the NRP

EmeraldRaine · 03/09/2021 07:50

What a crazy bitch. Not a single penny more for her. She's obviously upset that the gravy train has stopped.

HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 07:50

[quote Thinkingannie]@Medievalist unfortunately, other than setting up fake SM accounts (which does feel a bit stalkerish) we have no way of contacting him, we are all (including our kids) blocked from his social media, the ex only unblocked us today to respond to the money not being in the bank.[/quote]
If your husband knows where family members live he should try make contact with them and ask for son's address explaining he wants to send cheques/bank stuff for his son to access cash at university

EmeraldRaine · 03/09/2021 07:51

wouldn't give up on seeing my child, if ops partner had carried on down the court route he may well have got residency as courts take a dim view on a parent who continually obstructs contact.

Obviously you've never been subject to, or threatened with parental alienation have you?

LakieLady · 03/09/2021 07:51

What an awful mess. DSS's mother sounds crazy.

I agree with attempting to contact DSS via a solicitor. And I might be minded to use a solicitor outside of your area, OP, as if any post arrives for him with a Scottish postmark, the batshit mother may intercept it, so that DSS never knows that his dad was prepared to step up.

Actually, if you have friends who live in another part of the country,DH could write a personal letter and send it to them to post, If it was typed and put in a window envelope so that it looked official, and was posted from a long way away from Scotland, it might reach DSS without her intervention.

Budapestdreams · 03/09/2021 07:52

I'm not sure the son even knows about the abusive messages his mum sent, or he has sent them under duress.
The mum is definitely after the money.
I would do my best to contact him. You say you are still in touch with family, one of them must know his details. However, if his mum is that controlling she won't allow any contact while he is still at home.
Your best bet would be contacting him once he's at uni, assuming that isn't a lie.
Don't give her any money though.

TheGrassIsGreenerish · 03/09/2021 07:55

I wouldn’t be paying for DSS either if he doesn’t want to see his dad and just sends abusive messages. DSS is an adult and time to grow up and pay his own way especially if he wants to behave like that.

Newmumatlast · 03/09/2021 07:55

@Timeforachangetoday12

Whether it’s the son or mother replying is irrelevant. I agree the money should go straight to the son. My husbands divorced parents had a awful parenting relationship and once my husband turned 18 and finished school the money stopped. But his Dad did pay directly to my husband during uni years. It didn’t fix the long term damage but did remove some of his mothers control.
Agree with this. The child is now an adult and so payment goes direct to him or not at all.
Kindlethefourth · 03/09/2021 07:56

Not sure how Scottish system works however he will
Most likely receive full maintenance grant as he can't have the details
Of your DP income to submit. He will grow up a lot at uni and see other people's family relationships and maybe lose some of his mother's influence and grow up quickly and ask some questions about your DP. I would put a small some of money away each month and when he makes contact or can be traced in future you can say 'we couldn't get the money to you but we put this aside for you every month so you can now use it to pay back fees/overdraft etc and we did this to demonstrate we wanted to support you but couldn't. DD1 said to us after a month at uni that she hadn't ever appreciated her upbringing us as much as she did after meeting lots of people with different experiences. DSS may be the same. I hope so.

HollyGrail · 03/09/2021 07:56

What about opening an account and putting money into it regularly in case son should make an approach in the future.

vivainsomnia · 03/09/2021 07:58

Why would your OH want to continue to contribute towards an adult who according to you wants nothing to do with your OH and resents him?

I too am a bit confused over the 'seeing regularly' and contact being made difficult everytime. I am akin to think there is more to it than what OP is saying. Maybe stuff that happened before she was even in the picture.

ifonly4 · 03/09/2021 07:59

Just had a thought, if DS is going to uni and needs support, then he'll have applied for a student loan. If your DH had been mentioned in the application, then the department that deals with student loans would have been in touch with your DH personally asking for details of his income and therefore expecting him to contribute. If they haven't, then a student loan will have been worked out purely on his DM's income - they'll assess what she's capable of paying out of her own income, and topping up the balance to the loan amount of £9,000+. Even though DH and myself live in the same house, we were contacted individually to supply details online of our personal (not joint) income.

Most students will be able to live on £9,000 (DD was in very expensive accommodation £6700 and had 600+ travel and managed).

Hemingwaycat · 03/09/2021 07:59

Horrible situation for your DH and DSS.

Your DH has no legal obligation to send money anymore, it’s nice of him to still want to send his DS some but if they don’t want to accept it then so be it. It should go into his DS’s account now rather than his ex’s, I agree.

daisypond · 03/09/2021 08:01

@Miniroofbox

The solicitor can write to the solicitor the mother used to use? Or use a tracing agent?
The mother’s solicitor from years ago won’t know where she is. Bank sort code details don’t reveal much information. If she’s with an online bank, the sort code might be a town she’s never been to and hundreds of miles away. And even if she’s with a brick bank, it might be one from one of the many previous addresses, or closed down. Electoral roll? She might not be on it or the details might not be public. Solicitors don’t have magic access to things that the rest of us don’t, and any work through them will cost a lot. Best idea is to set up a website, Facebook page, asking for information, or employ your own private investigator.
Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 08:02

Which is why I said use a tracing agent?