Paying money for step child in uni

[Thinkingannie]

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

@Sparechange well said!

This mother is in for a big shock when he goes to university who will not deal with her if she harangues them. His rights of privacy will come into play.

It's how the OP will need to deal with her now.

@RenoSusan

Don't pay either directly. Get the name of the uni and verify he is enrolled and attending and then send them money directly. He is his mothers son and doesn't know how to spend responsibily. Verify each semester or quarter that he is still enrolled before sending money.

You can't just randomly send money to a university! Any money sent needs the reference of what invoice is being paid (tuition/accommodation) else it will never be allocated to the correct student /expense.

I think your and your husband’s attitudes are great. I would email [so you have a record - or send letter recorded delivery if not] the ex wife one last time saying very briefly that the son is an adult now, as such you want to give him financial support directly - which is what happens for other students. I’d also see if I could find the son on social media (if You’ve not already) and make the no strings offer of financial support direct. Good luck. Sounds like you deserve some.

I agree with previous posts. Block her, ignore her and deal with the fallout IF it happens. She’s not likely to come knocking on your door if she lives 500 miles away, and she can’t take your DH to court if there was no legal agreement. I wouldn’t be inclined to hand over any money after such a load of abuse. The ex clearly want to have control of the money and you can’t be sure she will spend it on DS

We are going through similar. Put the money into a completely separate account and hang on to it. At some point in the future, curiosity will likely get the better of your dss and when he explores the truth there’s a little nest egg there for him. He doesn’t know this money has been offered and it will never reach him if you send it. I’d stake my mortgage on it.

It’s tough but all you can do is behave in a way that you can always say your conscience is clear.

As others have suggested, you can’t be sure he’s even going to uni. Maybe suggest that if he doesn’t want to give you his bank details, you can contribute direct to the specific unit? E. G Pay a term of accommodation.
Under no circumstances should you be paying the ex direct.
If the DC wants contact he can make it himself. Maybe he will once he’s away from ex.
If really have no way of contacting him using a solicitor or Private investigator could be an option.
Awful situation. Poor husband and you.

How do you actually know son is in university . It really is a shame that son thinks Dad isnt interested because of his mothers attitude .. now would be a time to try to salvage a relationship with son but block the mother who is only interested in herself

now would be a time to try to salvage a relationship with son but block the mother who is only interested in herself

The problem with this and other PP's similar suggestions is that the OP and her DH have NO contact details for the mother or for DSS. The mother uses Messenger, so that is the only way they have to communicate.

My final thoughts are that dad and the OP have done and are doing their very best under difficult circumstances. How many times do posters expect him to do a 7 hour drive only to be knocked back at his exes door? How many times is he supposed to turn up to court and she not appear or for her to pretend to resume contact so the court cancels the contact hearing but doesn't carry it through?
He has a job and family to keep and this blocking and deleting plus no contact must be mentally draining and stressful.
I applaud him for trying so many times and have the utmost respect for him and the OP for wanting to continue to support the young man. So many fathers are a waste of time.
I wish them all the very best. 💐

If you pay anything towards university expenses, I recommend you pay direct to the university admin earmarked for fees or accommodation costs.

I imagine the son has been on social media for many years now, I don’t know any teenagers who aren’t! If he had really wanted to, he could have contacted his dad in secret and maintained contact in that way, assuming you have Facebook. He is an adult now and making his own choices so I would not be giving any money under those circumstances.

What is wrong with people who do this to their kids! You aren’t at all unreasonable not to pay under these circumstances. Outrageous behaviour on his ex’s part

Can you contact the relatives you are still in touch with and request that they ask the boy for his bank account details directly. Keep all the text messages to prove what your husband suggested and what actually happened. It will at least give the poor boy the chance to respond directly to you. To be frank your husband should have continued to pursue his court order all those years ago. I hope his son is able to es5ablish an adult relationship with him.

So sorry for the suffering caused by this dreadful woman. If you have contact details for any relatives, tell them you've been made estranged by the boy's mother, have heard he's going to uni and would like to assist financially, could they please contact your son and pass on your message and contact details. I wouldn't ask them to ask him for his bank details as that could sound a bit suss after who knows what the mother's said about you over the years.

Good luck, I really feel for you and hope you get some sort of decent contact.

So I think the ex is saying he's going to uni because I believe maintainance is extended if they are in full time education.

That said if he's not actually going to uni then the ex couldn't CSA as she wouldn't have proof. Personally I think she's trying it on tbh.

I'm sorry for all you have been though. This is heartbreaking xxx