Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying money for step child in uni

266 replies

Thinkingannie · 02/09/2021 23:09

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

OP posts:
LemonFantaGin · 03/09/2021 00:54

Put the money aside every month, let ex know that there will be no further payments to her account, but when son is ready to contact and give his bank details, financial support is there for him.

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:55

@Darker my best friend is a barrister, I’ll give her a bell and ask her tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 00:58

@LemonFantaGin will do this, we already have an account with money for him for birthdays/ christmases we’ve missed.

OP posts:
LemonFantaGin · 03/09/2021 00:59

Its quite sad to think he may not know any of this and shes out for the money, I hope thats not the case, but seems odd.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2021 00:59

You lost me at no contact for 11 years.

There is simply no excuse.

timeisnotaline · 03/09/2021 01:00

I’d just message dss can call me direct to talk about contributing funds, he’s an adult now so we won’t be be sending any money through his mum anymore. And block. You can then go the solicitor route to contact him if you like but I would never ever send a penny to his mum.

timeisnotaline · 03/09/2021 01:01

@Willyoujustbequiet

You lost me at no contact for 11 years.

There is simply no excuse.

I usually think that but did you read the op? Her dp went to court twice, would travel all the way to see him and get told no when he got there.
Darker · 03/09/2021 01:02

@BlackShadowCat

I don't understand why the OP needs legal advice on this. They've stated their position and it's a reasonable position, so it's up to the DSS. He can either comply or he doesn't get the money. It seems pretty simple to me. But, yes, keep copies of all correspondence.
Because the mother appears to be trying to get money for herself by deception. The father can’t contact the son because contact details are being withheld and the mother won’t allow money to be paid direct to the son.
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 01:09

@Willyoujustbequiet unless you’ve been through the hell of not being able to see your child, and I witnessed it, watched DH in tears night after night, was threatened both with physical violence from his ex, to the point where my DH ended up in hospital with the stress of it all,

When you have gone through all of that there is a point unfortunately (bearing in mind they live 500 miles away and we had no idea where or no contact details other than her bank account details) where you have to stop, my husband just couldn’t face going back to reopen the court case a third time, saying he couldn’t live his life like this anymore as he was feeling suicidal.

Not an excuse but the reality of some people’s situation unfortunately. You are lucky you haven’t had to face a similar situation.

OP posts:
echt · 03/09/2021 01:16

I wouldn't be sending money to anyone without an address, bank details and proof that he is at university.

Garriet · 03/09/2021 01:34

@Darker

It might be enough to just get some legal advice and then tell her you will pursue this through the courts.
Pursue what through the courts?

What legal redress is OP seeking? She is simply proposing they stop paying husbands ex and support stepson directly if there’s communication about it. She doesn’t need legal advice or a court order to do so.

BreadInCaptivity · 03/09/2021 01:37

What an awful situation.

I'd definitely follow the advice of a pp and resolve this through a solicitor.

A legal letter explaining you'll contribute but only direct to the child (now adult).

I

Chloemol · 03/09/2021 01:41

Pay the money direct. If the son won’t give you his details then I guess he won’t get any support

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2021 01:47

Nothing 'legal' to pursue. No court is going to force someone to reveal their bank details so someone can pay in money. And the mother may have pretended to be the son, but doing so wouldn't rise to the required legal level for financial fraud.

Just do as a PP recommends. Set the money aside in an account. If the son contacts his father he'll be able to say "See, here's the money sitting in an account for you. I would have sent it to you if I'd had your details".

Just out of curiosity, if you know where the son is going to Uni, would there be a way to pre-pay some of the fees or expenses directly to the Uni?

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 01:51

@AcrossthePond55 no idea where, other than the mother saying he’s going to uni we have no further info, as a PP pointed out that may not even be true… although I’m not sure why they would lie about it… the son has specifically said to his mum (apparently) not yo tell us as he didn’t want us to know which uni or what he’s studying.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2021 01:57

There's every chance he's not at uni and she's saying he is because it's the only way the money keeps coming.

Have you considered a PI? I know it seems a bit ridiculous for normal people but this is what they do.

BreadInCaptivity · 03/09/2021 02:02

[quote Thinkingannie]@AcrossthePond55 no idea where, other than the mother saying he’s going to uni we have no further info, as a PP pointed out that may not even be true… although I’m not sure why they would lie about it… the son has specifically said to his mum (apparently) not yo tell us as he didn’t want us to know which uni or what he’s studying.[/quote]

Then it's incumbent on them to provide proof of that.

Keep stating simply that you agree to pay but direct to the child.

If you get no response then pay the money into an account for the child in question so if/when they do get in contact they understand the situation and state that's what you will do.

Gumbojumbo · 03/09/2021 02:41

Yes I think it is important your husband support his child. But as his child is over 18, it should be paid directly to his child. At this point in time, his ex partner shouldn't really have any influence.

Kanaloa · 03/09/2021 03:04

How was your husband at court twice and still unable to arrange a contact agreement for his child, who presumably, if he hasn’t seen him in 11 years and the boy is now 19) was only 8 years old? From what you’ve said, it sounds like both times contact started again and he just gave up on court. Understandable once, but odd that he did it twice, and then ‘couldn’t face’ it a third time.

It doesn’t sound like they’ll ever have a good relationship, but I don’t think it can be excused as ‘not his fault’ and I don’t think his son will see it that way.

The abuse coming from the ex is unacceptable, but it sounds like this mess started long ago. I don’t know if there’s any point saving money from birthdays and Christmases that have been missed - a lump sum of money won’t make much difference to that. Would it never have been possible to deliver some money/gifts and a card for the boy at his address?

Kanaloa · 03/09/2021 03:05

Also, at 19 why is all the information coming via his mother? Can your husband not phone his son and speak to him direct instead of all this ‘his mother told us x, we’re not sure if it was him or his mother blah blah.’

Lotusmonster · 03/09/2021 03:43

What about setting up a managed trust for the DS and putting money into that?? I think your DH is right to stop payment by the way as painful as it must feel for him. The story and messages sound extremely fishy to me. I’ve got kids at Uni….this business about the money to go via their mum sounds like a load of bollocks.
Are there any third parties …ex family or relatives that a letter directly to the son could be sent to to exclude the ex wife, just offering payment?

Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 04:47

@kanaloa so how it happened each time, a week or two before the court date she would call up allowing access, then when we got to court she would say to the judge that access had resumed, judge would declare a court order was not required as access had resumed but leave the case open for x months to revisit (I can’t remember what x was) once that time had expired there would be access issues again and we had to start the whole thing from scratch.

The 2nd time we mentioned the pattern but we’re told yes but it’s sorted now….

The last time my DH spoke to his DS (except for the abusive text when he was 12) DSS called crying to say don’t call or phone me anymore I’m not allowed to see you again and if you call me I’ll get shouted at.he was eight or nine at the time). It broke my husbands heart and he said maybe this constant battling is causing him more trauma than it would be to not fight again.

We have all the court papers should he ever want to see them as I’ve kept them too.

We had no address to send anything to, in the short period I had known them the moved six times and we received a letter my husband had sent as no longer at this address. Same with contact details we have none, even the correspondence today was done via messenger so still have no tel no for the mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thinkingannie · 03/09/2021 05:30

@Kanaloa I’m lying here now awake thinking of some of the stuff she made us do and actually can’t believe we did it looking back eg I had to move out of our house when DSS came up to visit as I wasn’t allowed to be around him. She threatened to go to social services saying I had hit him (which I obvs hadn’t) if we disobeyed her. That only changed as I was mentioned as needing access as part of the first court agreement so she allowed access to me too just before we went to court.

I wasn’t allowed to refer to myself as his Sm as she as the mum had revoked that right. She as the mum had also revoked the parental responsibility given by the courts the first time as she could (all nonsense but we didn’t argue as she would stop access).

Looking back it was mental the hoops we jumped through…i imagine some of you are thinking I’m exaggerating (I would) but I’m honestly not and there are many more similar events I’m recalling now…

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/09/2021 06:27

Why the distance-did she move away or your DH or were they never together as a couple?

autummvibes · 03/09/2021 06:30

No need to explain yourself, from your posts his mother is clearly a controlling nasty bitch. Whether MN want to admit it or not there are parents like this. She sounds vile. Nothing excuses that.
He's an adult and you have no details for him. I'd leave it now. If she unblocks again then you block her so she can't pop up when she feels like it.
You said you have the documents from court. You'll also have these messages which I have no doubt was from her not him.
He's an adult now, if he ever wants to contact his dad he can trance him. You can show him whatever you have to show you tried. Beyond that I'd leave it all be. She sounds like hell. He's a legal adult, don't tie yourselfs up in knots over it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread