Paying money for step child in uni

[Thinkingannie]

I’ll try to put as much info as poss but will probably forget stuff so apologies in advance…

Background DH has a son from a previous relationship he has nit seen for over 11 years, not his fault. Access was stopped many times then resumed just as we went to court resulting in the court not putting a court order in place. We went to court twice. DSS and EX live approx 500 miles away we live in Scotland, them in the south west so husband has never been able to just pop over but has been turned away from weekend visits numerous times (after driving over seven hours to get there) costing a fortune in both petrol and a hotel room that is nit used but can’t be cancelled, more importantly the emotional toll was high on him. So after going to court twice then being at the ex’s beck and call for years eg phone call on a sat morning come and have DSS this weekend or you’ll never see him again or after driving down being told no you’re not having him now etc, when she stopped access the final time my husband just didn’t have it in him to go to court a third time and just left fighting for access for his own MH. Since then we’ve had no access, have been blocked on social media and have no idea where they live etc. So DSS is now 19 and we stopped CM, we then got a message chasing it up and found out that he is starting uni this month. We have confirmed that CM should be stopped at this point but offered to pay DSS some money direct, if he just sent us his bank details. My DH got a ton of abuse back, not sure if it was the ex who wrote it or the son but it was written as if it was the son.

The ex said you can still give me the money though and I’ll pass it on (not convinced this will happen as it didn’t when we had DSS staying with us as we often had to buy him new clothes pay school stuff etc.

Are we being unreasonable to refuse to pay anyone but DSS direct?

Sorry it’s so long..

I would view this as an opportunity for your DH and his DS to start over.
To be deprived of access to your own child must be beyond heartbreaking.
Also for a child to grow up in a home filled with so much hate for his Dad, must be so sad and toxic.
Your DH clearly tried to to have contact and a relationship with his DS, which was constantly obstructed and thwarted by the Mum.
The DS is an adult now and there is still hope that a Father and Son relationship can finally develop.
All the lost years can never be returned, but there could be many many good years ahead.
I think the fact that DS needs help with University costs, is an opportunity to bring Father and Son together.
I think your DH should contact his DS as directly as possible, absolutely bypassing the Mum completely.
Ideally they should have an honest conversation where your DH gets to tell his son how he “lost “ him all those years ago and how much that hurt.
If the DSS harbours resentment and bad feelings towards your DH, that is totally understandable as he will have grown up possibly never hearing a good word about his Dad.
The relationship may be less than perfect and may be bloody difficult at times, but it is their relationship and they are both entitled to that.DSS needs to hear his Dad’s side of the story and learn for himself who his Dad is, instead of accepting someone else’s version.
They have both suffered the loss of each other, because of someone else’s cruel actions.
They both will have work to do to build what has been broken.
DH is being given a second chance here, it may not be easy but it would be so sad to lose his DS all over again.

Rainbowunicorn

There is simply no excuse. I'm a lawyer and have been through the system on a personal level too.

Damn right I judge. It's not bitchy to call out parents that give up on their kids. There's always some excuse

Even if you manage to pay direct to the boy you don’t know that the money is going towards uni or she takes it. Good luck OP

I don’t get on with my ex, but I can’t fault him re supporting ds. He paid the agreed amount each month, and only just stopped as legally it ends the summer after he turns 19 (I’d only expected it until 16/18). The last year or so I gave ds the money as he was living in halls for uni for most of it, so didn’t feel right keeping it. His dad’s told him he’ll now give him money direct when he can, which is fair enough, and between the two of them. So based on that I’d say YANBU.

DSS is 19 years old, the ex needs to back off, try to contact DSS again directly, ask him to meet to discuss face-to-face, & refuse any more contact with his mother.

If you know what university he's going to it's easy to contact him directly. My friend went to university her real dad was finally able to contact her. It was a shock at first she thought her stepfather was her natural father until then

Are you sure he's going to university, have you proof of this

Make this simple.

DH says to her:

Our son is now an adult, therefore all future dealings and any financial support will be direct with him. Please ask him to give me a call or send a text and I'll take it from there.

And that is it. Not one penny ever again to her. And the son needs to act for himself now.

He might not even be at uni. You know nothing for sure.

Sorry, OP. But just keep it v simple.

If you have no direct contact with DSS and he is now an adult..why don’t you set up some sort of trust fund that you can pay into and save something on his behalf…when all the s**t has died down or you are in a better position to communicate directly with DSS you can then talk to him about the funds you have saved! ..it seems it’s pretty pointless at the moment trying to talk to either Ex or DSS as clearly they are not willing to communicate on a reasonable level…I would stop all communications and tell them you are paying into a trust fund (you can get proof/evidence if you go through a proper financial advisor) that can be redeemed when they/he is ready to talk properly and sensibly about the future..this way you retain a little control over the situation and are not constantly on the “back foot” to Ex’s demands now DSS is an adult.

The mother is pissed off because her ticket on the gravy train has expired.

Honestly OP I would let it drop. No PI, no solicitor, no response to the mother. You have absolutely no idea about anything to do with their lives because she's blocked all avenues. You have no evidence that he's going to university. You've had no contact for years, until she wants to renew her meal ticket. She's had more than the CSA would award her for however many years.

By all means put money aside and hope that one day you'll be able to give it to DSS on the basis of having created a good relationship. But for now, no more to her regardless of her claims she'll give it to DSS. You're right not to trust her, and any further action on yours and DH's part to try to reinstate contact is just likely to be more heartbreak for DH. So let it go and don't feel bad.

So many mad ideas! Just contact the son and tell him that you're willing to give money direct to him , tried that and was given abuse and threatened with the police .
Phone or write to your son , have no number or address for the son so can't do that .
Contact son via university, can't as they don't know which one .
Dad has been blocked from contacting mum or son via social media etc so can't contact either .
The best one is... open a savings account for the son and put money away for him , dad did that years ago and has been putting money in for Christmas and birthdays , so I'm sure he will do this with the uni money too

I think you're husband could have made more effort to contact his son between the age of 12 and now. I have read the whole thread and I think although it is traumatic for him you do have to keep going through the most horrific circumstances sometimes for your kids. I think if your husband can't contact him then the next step is to make himself physically present in the area, speak to people there, possible hire an investigator. No don't send the money but to me the important bit about this scenario isn't the money problem

At 19 years old I think you should make efforts to contact the son in person (perhaps through an investigator) and find out what he thinks and feels about his father, maybe they could have a relationship without the mother’s interference and offer financial support .

Do not pay that woman. Pay the son directly or not at all. Additionally, if you are so inclined, I would make it conditional upon him having some sort of contact with your partner. Maybe emails or calls, possibly a few visits to start. I would make it clear that you’ve wanted to have a relationship but have been prevented from doing so. Don’t badmouth the mother. Most assuredly he has been brainwashed into believing that your partner is a deadbeat dad who never made an effort with him. That’s what my mother did with me. She had me convinced my dad was the worst person in the world. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I got to know my dad and my dad’s side of the family. We started with snail mail at first. Then emails. Now? He and my stepfather came to our home to spend the weekend and celebrate my birthday. My point is, as he matures he’s going to have to start thinking for himself, not having mother dearest tell him what to think. So there may be hope for a relationship one day.

Do you have proof that he's going to uni and which course and which uni?
I'd want to do a whole lot of digging before handing money over and want to check that he's really been accepted to do the course and get updates as to his attendance.

@LoisLane66

Do you have proof that he's going to uni and which course and which uni? I'd want to do a whole lot of digging before handing money over and want to check that he's really been accepted to do the course and get updates as to his attendance.

It feels a bit like Groundhog Day here.

"How was your husband at court twice and still unable to arrange a contact agreement for his child, who presumably, if he hasn’t seen him in 11 years and the boy is now 19) was only 8 years old? From what you’ve said, it sounds like both times contact started again and he just gave up on court. Understandable once, but odd that he did it twice, and then ‘couldn’t face’ it a third time.

It doesn’t sound like they’ll ever have a good relationship, but I don’t think it can be excused as ‘not his fault’ and I don’t think his son will see it that way.

The abuse coming from the ex is unacceptable, but it sounds like this mess started long ago. I don’t know if there’s any point saving money from birthdays and Christmases that have been missed - a lump sum of money won’t make much difference to that. Would it never have been possible to deliver some money/gifts and a card for the boy at his address?"

The above post was by kanaloa.
I agree completely. Why has your husband never taken proper legal advice and fought properly. A really good lawyer would know many of the tricks these bad type of mothers play, and would present a decent savy case. It might not have resulted in much but at least he'd have known he'd tried everything.

Your excuses are quite weak. Repeatedly giving up. I fear these excuses just wouldn't cut it, if I was his son and this was explained to me now.
Are you both emotionally prepared for that sad possibility?

To the people here who think you should never give up contact with your child after divorce... I know someone whose ex kept repeatedly trying to set up situations so he would be arrested for parental abduction. So yes, he stopped seeing the child.

I feel your pain and frustration. I too have been were you are. Pay direct, I suspect the mother wants the money and will either keep it herself or only give a small amount over. DSS is an adult he can have it direct. Good on DH being prepared to support during uni, even without seeing him. Hopefully the relationship can grow. It's never too late. Anyone who hasn't gone through this can never understand the pain 🤗

@RenoSusan

Don't pay either directly. Get the name of the uni and verify he is enrolled and attending and then send them money directly. He is his mothers son and doesn't know how to spend responsibily. Verify each semester or quarter that he is still enrolled before sending money.

Judging him based on his mother is unfair (especially since it's pretty obvious that the abusive messages demanding money are not from him because no teenager would get angry over money being sent directly to them). No one knows if he doesn't know how to spend responsibility, how she is doesn't reflect on him.

@Oblomov21

“Why has your husband never taken proper legal advice and fought properly. A really good lawyer would know many of the tricks these bad type of mothers play, and would present a decent savy case.”

You quite clearly don’t have the first clue what you’re talking about
‘Present a savvy case’?
Oh you naive, naive thing… if only it was that simple

Please don’t judge something you have absolutely no knowledge about

[quote Thinkingannie]@Darker I was hoping my DH would have some contact but we can’t contact him direct and actually the message we received from DSS threatened the police if we carried on asking for his details instead of just paying his mum, it was all a bit weird tbh. But also a bit sad and just generally makes us feel a bit powerless to do anything.[/quote]
This does seem if the mother is writing these messages.... She's trying it on to get money for her own purposes... Esp in light of what you've saïd about her relationship with money and debt.

I'd continue with the stance... You'll pay, but ONLY to him....as an adult student the money would always be paid direct to him (like any loan etc)

He should have a uni email account (with an ac.uk suffix in the address), he can write to you from... I suspect she COULD access this bit only if he'd given her his password.

@Oblomov21 we did it all properly each time with mediation then solicitors, costing over five grand each time, so not sure what more we could have done each time we went through the courts..

@Sparechange

To give some perspective on what it’s like as a child of a mother who wants to prevent contact with the other parent, me and my siblings went through this after my parents got divorced.

My dad repeatedly went to court to try and see us. My mother knew every tactic in the book
Some times she just wouldn’t turn up to court - judge would throw it out and dad would have to start the whole process again
Sometimes she would turn up, nod along to the dressing down and then just totally disregard it

When he was awarded weekends, she would get us up and out of bed at 6am and drive us to a random friend or relative for us to spend the day
Other days we would literally sit in the car in a car park for hours listening to stories on the stereo until she thought he would have given up waiting at her house

We were told she was a victim of DV, that we were the product of rape, we were told my dad wanted to put us up for adoption
Horrific, constant lies

This went on for years. My dad nearly bankrupted himself with the legal costs but it got him nowhere
She remarried and changed my brothers names to her husband’s new surname when they started at a new school to make it harder for my dad to track them down, she moved house a lot to make it harder for him

Every part of her, and therefore our lives were governed by how she could keep us from seeing him

So all these posters with their bullshit ‘oh he didn’t try hard enough to see his son’
You have absolutely no idea what it’s like when a parent makes it their mission to stop their ex seeing their kids
You have no idea what it’s like as a child being poisoned against your parent. What it’s like to have memories of them being a loving parent and partner and to be gaslit and told it didn’t happen and they hated you
To be told you are unwanted and unloved m

It’s hell, for the child and for the parent

So think before you judge a situation you know very little about

^ How appalling for you... So glad you could correct the narrative for your sibs.

EVERY story of family break up, and the non resident parent contact is different...

There are several points from accounts:

1. Some men do their damndest to see their kids.

1. Some men because of abuse if the mother /kids deserve no contact.

1. Some mothers are very difficult with facilitating any contact and will actively try to stop it.

1. The family courts are not fit for purpose.

[quote Thinkingannie]@Bebabelouba were more than happy to contribute too, but only to the DSS direct as we don’t trust the mother, I just wanted to check independently that that wasn’t a weird and controlling stance…[/quote]
Me and my husband have argued a lot about this for us. I feel he should only give money to his DD when she is 18 and not pay her mother but he thinks he should still pay her mother because she still has to look after her post turning 18.
You at least have some agreement, the law is clear on your liability. Personally, as you cannot guarantee that the details given will be his, put money away in an account for him and if you do get to meet in the future, it can be a gift at that point.
You don't know what poison she has told his son, but from my own experience, as children get older they want to find out for themselves.
You don't owe her anything and even though he is going to uni, this is no longer a legal obligation to support him. Infa t if you did, it could affect loans and grants he is entitled to.

What utter bull. Sorry but you know this is a ridiculous comment and her words not his. What person would say they are upset because you are offering financial support directly to them. He probably doesn't even know it has been offered.