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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much money do you need to leave?

193 replies

FluffyT · 02/09/2021 18:58

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

OP posts:
Matleave22 · 02/09/2021 19:22

Would you need to rent a place? How many beds?

Do you have a regular salary and how much of your day to day expense does it cover? or does this need to cover everything day to day?

Lots of qs but can hopefully offer some helpful advice with this context?

FlumpsAreShit · 02/09/2021 19:27

Depends on your outgoings I suppose, and if you have a job? And children?

Easiest way would be to yet a budgeting all like YNAB or a spreadsheet and start tracking what your costs are, then project how they will change. If you're pay cheques cover your living costs and will cover rent alone then you'll need enough for a deposit and to cover anything you need to replace (e.g. if you're leaving furniture with exDP)

Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:02

I work part time but my salary goes into our joint account which I don’t really have free access to. I am slowly squirrelling money away from grocery money etc but it is taking a long time. I give it to my DS who puts it in his account that DH doesn’t know about. He wants to get a little part time job to help but I know DH will expect his wages to go into the joint account as “board” so I’m telling him it’s not a good idea.

I would need to pay for myself and DS.

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 02/09/2021 20:05

You don’t need anything I had nothing when I separated from my ex not even my own bank account, probably helped that I got him to move out rather than the other way round but I immediately set up benefits claims etc and I wasn’t working. You could probably just change the bank details your wages are paid into and start a fresh as soon as you get paid.

Matleave22 · 02/09/2021 20:07

Okay, so say you leave and have access to your full salary.

What is your full salary and how does this compare to your anticipated outgoings?

For example, if you take home £900 per month after tax and NI, and you expect your outgoings to be £1500 per month then this helps us establish the gap in earnings and can provide better advice.

When you leave, could you take a full time job, then rinse and repeat. With a full time job what would the gap be between what you earn per month and then what your outgoings are.

I could be wrong but I feel like this is a case of domestic abuse and I really want to advise as best as I can Flowers

CastleCrasher · 02/09/2021 20:08

Check what benefits you would be entitled to, but make sure you build on a bit of space so you are covered if they take a while to come through.
Priorities: rent, heat and electricity costs
, Food, getting DC to school, getting yourself to work.
For furniture etc, start looking at free sites, check out local charities etc too. if you are actively planning, are there friends that could store a few bits for you? If not you should still be able to get the essentials quickly and easily and can build up to nicer stuff over time. Good luck!

Rumplestrumpet · 02/09/2021 20:08

It sounds like a very abusive situation OP - have you tried seeking help? In all honesty you can leave with nothing if you need to and you will probably never have enough saved to be comfortable if you're doing it all behind his back.

I'd suggest you speak to Women's Aid to find out what help might be available to you.

Good luck

Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:09

But then he would know something was going on. If I changed where my salary goes before I leave I mean. I’m also not sure I’d be able to keep my job because we’d have to move further away to get away properly.

OP posts:
Artdecolover · 02/09/2021 20:11

Get your own bank account ASAP
Lloyd's are good for those escaping DA
You will just need ID
Get your wages transferred
If you are married consult a lawyer as you will be entitled to half any house/savings/pension
Women's aid can give further more detailed advice

Matleave22 · 02/09/2021 20:11

In this case, I’d suggest you speak to women’s aid. They should be able to help you figure out what benefits you’d be entitled to and how you could leave.So sorry you’re going through this, but you are a strong person and you can do this xx

Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:13

I have spoken to various people but I don’t seem to fit into any of the right categories to get enough help to leave so I am trying to do it alone. I think when we actually leave help will be easier to access but I am just worried about those initial weeks/months before that so want to be prepared.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/09/2021 20:15

Why wouldn't you qualify for refuge if you partner is being financially abusive?

Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:15

I can’t get my wages transferred into another account until I’ve left.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:16

@Hankunamatata

Why wouldn't you qualify for refuge if you partner is being financially abusive?
I can’t find any that will take teen boys and I can’t leave my DS behind.
OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyT · 02/09/2021 20:18

He’s not financially abusive as such. Just quite careful with our money.

OP posts:
Matleave22 · 02/09/2021 20:18

If you’re asking what I think you’re asking then to start from scratch you probably need a financial buffer of 3-6 months essential outgoings.

HOWEVER and it’s a big however there are programmes in place to help you take that step I.e woman’s aid and others. Who have you spoken to?

Theworldishard · 02/09/2021 20:19

OP I'm sorry you're in this position. Can I ask why they wouldn't take your teenager? As you are just as entitled to refuge than someone with a younger child, if age is the issue..

Theworldishard · 02/09/2021 20:20

@FluffyT

I have spoken to various people but I don’t seem to fit into any of the right categories to get enough help to leave so I am trying to do it alone. I think when we actually leave help will be easier to access but I am just worried about those initial weeks/months before that so want to be prepared.
Who wouldn't help you and why OP?
satci · 02/09/2021 20:20

@Theworldishard

OP I'm sorry you're in this position. Can I ask why they wouldn't take your teenager? As you are just as entitled to refuge than someone with a younger child, if age is the issue..
A lot of refuges won't take males over the age of 15 for obvious reasons. There are some cases like this one that seem to fall through the cracks
Artdecolover · 02/09/2021 20:21

Any family you could stay with?
If he is being abusive next time call the police
My sister was in a very similar situation to you.
She went to the Dr, told them everything, phoned the police reported him and he left.
They are now divorced.
She got a bank account with Lloyd's and applied for UC.
She now has a ft job and a new rented home
It doesn't have to be like this. She wishes she'd done it years ago

Theworldishard · 02/09/2021 20:22

@satci I can understand that, but where does that leave a mum like the OP. Very upsetting she is excluded if she requires help.

Ghkkl · 02/09/2021 20:25

Have you looked at country wide refuges that will take your teen and you? Many won’t but some might. Can that be an option for you?

Artdecolover · 02/09/2021 20:25

Wrt refuges It's usual sadly and for obvious reasons.
My sister had the same issue.
She had to get her name added to the house register as she had never been on the mortgage. It cost about £15.
She had no bank account of her own so needed to sort that out. Lloyd's do a basic account.
Shw had no access to any money accept what he gave her.
Op: if you are EVER in danger you must call the police. Can you talk to your Dr?

QueenHofScotland · 02/09/2021 20:26

I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

First have you spoken to Women’s Aid? They have flats as well as refuge space and they might accommodate your DS.

Secondly can you confide in your employer to work out a way for an advance on wages?

Would it be possible to plan ahead and apply for a job in a new area?

All just ideas but there must be a way out for you

Ghkkl · 02/09/2021 20:26

Sorry I was slow to type and can see that you already answered that.