How much money do you need to leave?

[FluffyT]

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

I was a SAHM my only income was disability living allowance
ExDH emptied our joint bank account and savings the day he left for OW (I didn’t know he was having an affair)
He put a stop on debit and credit cards and left me £50 in cash to get some shopping
It was very pre planned as he left on payday and we would always go and do a big food shop at end of month
I was unable to pay the mortgage or any bills

Can you get a PayPal account and is there anything you can sell on eBay? eBay is much more anonymous than Facebook.
You can also do surveys for vouchers or they pay into Paypal. Look on save the student for ideas. I do well on I-say, go branded surveys and Swagbucks. You could probably earn about £50 a month your son could do them as well. Never pay out money to do surveys. Print the vouchers out or transfer the money to your PayPal account as soon as you reach the minimum number of points.
If you have a nectar card you can do surveys to earn points which you can spend at Sainsbury’s
Good luck.
You can open a starling bank account on your phone and the only the card will arrive in the post.

@ManifestDestinee he is physically violent

The council may help with your rent deposit for a private rental
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-privately/private-renting/get-help-with-renting-costs/

Op you could try applying for ft jobs up north. The rest would be cheaper for a start.

rent

Open a sole bank account (make sure its a totally different banking group eg don't go to hsbc if your joint account is with first direct- They are part of the same company- and they may make the link. ).
Redirect your salary to the new account.
When OH asks where your salary is tell him that your employer has mucked up payroll this month and it will be late.
Leave ASAP.

The other thing you can do is start sell things from around the house, for example toys that your son has grown out of and bundles of clothes do well on marketplace. Also look at your possession old CD’s can go music magpie or gold jewellery can go to Hatton garden metals.
If he catches you doing it tell him you are decluttering after watching Marie Kondo.

Books can go for cash. There are a few places like music magpie and some pay more than others. I sold loads of books this year for about £40. Some second hand bookshops will buy books for cash

Any kind of controlling behaviour from a spouse or partner is now considered domestic abuse. Speak to the police confidentially I'm sure they will be able to help you or at least point you in the right direction. The fact that you want to move away from the area makes me think you are afraid of the consequences of leaving. Please be brave and take that first step and ask someone for help, there is a better life waiting for you and your son. I wish you all the luck in the world x

You can open a basic bank account at the post office

Hold on

You pay your wages into an account
But you have no access to this account ?
So how do YOU pay for things ?
Contact the bank & get access !
Why do you have no independence?

Or

Open a new account & get your wages paid into it, so that you have full independence

If your child is 15
Why can't you work FT ?
Or does child have health issues ?

I think you are rather missing the point @InthearmyN0W21, things like this are not so simple for people trapped in abusive relationships

@YummJeelyPiece

Regarding your rights as a joint account holder - I dont know if I explained myself properly:

Even if you don't have your own debit card you still have the right to withdraw any and all funds from the account. You will likely have to go to the bank in person (and take your ID.), but it should be straight forward. Either set up a private account beforehand and then transfer money from the joint account onto it or simply withdraw it in cash if you don't want to leave a trail on the statement (nothing stopping you from depositing that cash into a sole account at a later date).

Also worth keeping in mind that when you do open an account you will have to provide an address to receive mail... is there a trusted friend or family member's address you can use to receive bank correspondence?

I do hope all works out for you...

Please do this op. Good luck 🍀

Op, can you open your own account or can DS open his own account, paperless? If so, give your new bank details to your employer and have your full salary paid in there. Transfer any money across electronically then to your DH/joint account to cover yr share of the bills. Moving forward you will need yr own account in order to pay rent, bills etc. I would suggest you take this control back now and open an account and have your salary paid into it. Only you will then have control of it. If you receive any child benefit notify them of yr new account details and have that paid to your account also. The first thing you need to do is secure your salary/income by having it paid elsewhere. By the time he finds out there is nothing he can do about it.

Btw Op your DS sounds like a fine young man and a credit to you.

If her DH has been violent there is something he can do about her money no longer appearing in the account. The OP cannot afford to rock the boat until she is absolutely ready to leave.

OP what I suggest:
-Speak to the police about coercive control if you can face doing so - it may open the doors to more support.
-See if the council will help you with a deposit for a private rental so you don't need to save for that.
-If you have any safe friends see if they can help (but only if you are sure that they won't speak to your DH)

• Open a paperless bank account

-If you can get help from the council (and tell them you are a victim of domestic abuse) then move out shortly after payday and take cash out of the joint account at the bank. -Immediately notify payroll to switch the bank account they pay into - most places process payroll 1-2 weeks before it is paid (if monthly) so you want to notify them shortly after payday so they can update their records before the next pay cycle -Notify Child Benefit and get the money paid into your account.

• Speak to a benefits advisor and see what you are entitled to

Thank you for all your suggestions. I will look into all of them. I have managed to book a secret annual leave day next week so I can go to a different town and enquire at some of the banks and I’ll try to see if I can speak to someone at the council. Would it be the housing department I need to speak to? Sorry, I don’t have much experience with councils and benefits. I’m not sure I can face the police at the moment.

DS has discovered that we couldn’t go to a shelter because there were no spaces anywhere that took teen boys and he is really, really upset by it. I’ve tried to explain the reasons and that it’s not a reflection on him individually but he’s now of the opinion that it’s all his fault we haven’t left yet and he is devastated that “people think I’m going to be just like him”. Added to his already vulnerable state I’m worried. I really feel like I have failed him as a mother.

I think the best suggestion is to go in person to your joint bank and empty the account into a new one is the best one. Would be good to talk to the bank beforehand to make sure it will work.

Does your DS have any friends he could stay with temporarily?

@FluffyT

I can’t get my wages transferred into another account until I’ve left.

Could you set it up so that, for instance, your wages are going to be transferred to the new bank account on the next payday, and you leave the day before? That way you'd be out before he realises anything is amiss with the pay, and would have a whole paycheck to tide you over

I used to work at CAB and the advice you got is not good enough. Go back if you can and ask for another advisor, preferably one with long experience and female. If not then ask for the manager. It might be free and they are usually volunteers but they still have standards

I was in refuge that took teenage boys cos was own flats own bathroom and kitchen. Council have to house you cos you have child under 18 even if no domestic abuse if you present as homeless. Easier if you go before he's 16 so go soon as possible.They meant to house for domestic abuse too but some ask for evidence and you maybe don't have any. They breaking law so if you go to local domestic abuse organisation, they should help with council. I had very bad experience cos my area bad but most are good. I don't have children under 18 but you do. Council has to house you even without domestic abuse. If they try not to help you can call social services. Some citizens advice, I think people that answer phone not good always. My one bad. I emailed in writing was victim of domestic violence and man who called same as your one. Said just get counselling but tried again and person actual caseworker usually better. I am disabled can't work partly due to injuries from partner but if you working, you can speak to hr or manager and they can help you with calling women's aid or councils cos workplaces have legal duty and cos your child is under 18 safeguarding duty. GP can help too especially cos child under 18 so if you tell them what's happening, they will refer to social services then they will help with getting council to rehouse you if you need to be.

Speak to work about changing your account, open a new one and see if there is any chance of upping your hours as part time (unless very well paid) isn’t going to support the two of you.

You are in an abusive relationship.

You need to be much more forthright about this. Your partner is violent and financially controlling and abusive. When you seek help from the council be very clear about this and the fact that you need help to leave. The police should also be able to help.

This page lists different forms of domestic abuse and organisations which can help.

I've found Citizens Advice to be poor in the recent past.