How much money do you need to leave?

[FluffyT]

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

If your account is a joint one and you have a card, you could also lift money out on the day that you leave.

How long does it take to get a rented place?
Can you go full time hours? Can your son get a part time job? Do you have your own bank account?
In your place, I will get a credit card with cash withdrawal options and 0% interest if possible then up my hours and change the bank account details at my job. I will move the same day I will withdrawal all the cash out.

I did an online chat with women’s aid. There were no places for me and DS.

I’m apparently not entitled to benefits until I’ve left and don't have anything. But we don’t have anywhere to go initially, so I need money to pay for somewhere to stay and food etc.

@FluffyT

I did an online chat with women’s aid. There were no places for me and DS.

I’m apparently not entitled to benefits until I’ve left and don't have anything. But we don’t have anywhere to go initially, so I need money to pay for somewhere to stay and food etc.

Was there no spaces due to your son or in general? There are other organisations, it depends where you live, but near me when I was in a bad place they offered refuge. It seemed like it'd be a fast thing

My love, can you give us a rough indication as to where you are? Eg a county/ region. It will help be more targeted with suggestions and help.

How much is a two bed flat in your area? You need enough for a deposit and your first month's rent. Do you have any friends or family who might lend you the money?

Why is the squirrelled-away money going into DS's account? You will need your own account when you leave, so why not get on and open it now?

I don’t have a card for our account.
I can’t go full time or get my own account. DS is only 15 but any little job he gets DH will expect him to pay into the joint account for board so I told him there’s no point.
There were no spaces for me and DS. There was a space for just me but I couldn’t leave DS. That’s probably gone now anyway. The lady said there was very high demand.
I’m so sorry. I know it seems I’m making excuses. I’m really not trying to.
I am in the south of England.

Op, he is the definition of financially abusive. Do you minimise it like that when asking for help?

I'm pretty sure victims of DV don't count as "intentionally homeless" when they flee - have you checked your council's policy on emergency accommodation?

That gets you both out, gets you access to your earnings and in a position to apply for benefits and other support.

It would only be your first stepping stone, same as a refuge.

It’s easier for us to hide a bank account for DS than me. And easier to explain if it gets found out.

Have a look at properties to rent near you or the area you want to move to and work out the deposit and the first months rent. Go on the benefits calculator to see how much you would be entitled to and take a guess at whether this would cover the bills food etc. Its really hard to estimate withput knowing your area (please dont say your area as it might be outing) but personally if ypu think you might have to leave ypur job i would want enough money for a deposit, bills, rent and food etc for 3 months to give you chance to find a job etc, but including your benefits in that amount.

Its worth considering whether you can get full time work when you move which would help with finances, and also dont forget to go thrpugh cms to claim child maintenence, he doesnt have to know where you are to pay it that way.

Just as a point, you say hes not abusive but you are secretly squirrelling away money to leave him. What would happen if you just told him you wanted to split up, because in a non abusive relationship that conversation would be possible.

Can you get a second job without him knowing and be paid directly into your account? Also its worth looking on money saving expert for things like paid surveys, they dont pay much but you could bring in a little extra cash direct to you/your sons account, to speed up the process.

I really hope you get out soon and have a wonderful life without him x

Why can’t you get your own account OP?
Do you have any friends or family locally or further away?

I know it can be difficult to find a refuge space if you have a male child aged over 13. I have no difficulty believing you were told precisely that.

I understand too that you are being abused and are therefore denied the choice to simply keep your earnings etc as long as you are still with him.

Sorry i cross posted with some of your answers

@legoriakelne

Op, he is the definition of financially abusive. Do you minimise it like that when asking for help?

I'm pretty sure victims of DV don't count as "intentionally homeless" when they flee - have you checked your council's policy on emergency accommodation?

That gets you both out, gets you access to your earnings and in a position to apply for benefits and other support.

It would only be your first stepping stone, same as a refuge.

I’m just not sure sometimes if some of the things are actually abusive or I’m just over reacting or being dramatic. It’s hard to tell nowadays. I will look for that policy. Thank you.

@FluffyT

He’s not financially abusive as such. Just quite careful with our money.

Seriously op, what you are describing is pretty extreme financial abuse.

If you answer assessment questions incorrectly like this you will miss out on support you need, deserve and are entitled to receive.

Don't do that to yourself.

I was in a similar situation I went to the local council offices and asked to speak to the housing officer. Explain the situation to them and they should be able to find you some temporary accommodation. This can be paid for by housing benefit.

You will be entitled to claim universal credit, which you can take an advance for straight away. There are also food banks and other organisations that can fill the gap.

You just need to be brave and walk out and not look back. I wish you all the luck in the world

@Toomanyradishes

Have a look at properties to rent near you or the area you want to move to and work out the deposit and the first months rent. Go on the benefits calculator to see how much you would be entitled to and take a guess at whether this would cover the bills food etc. Its really hard to estimate withput knowing your area (please dont say your area as it might be outing) but personally if ypu think you might have to leave ypur job i would want enough money for a deposit, bills, rent and food etc for 3 months to give you chance to find a job etc, but including your benefits in that amount.

Its worth considering whether you can get full time work when you move which would help with finances, and also dont forget to go thrpugh cms to claim child maintenence, he doesnt have to know where you are to pay it that way.

Just as a point, you say hes not abusive but you are secretly squirrelling away money to leave him. What would happen if you just told him you wanted to split up, because in a non abusive relationship that conversation would be possible.

Can you get a second job without him knowing and be paid directly into your account? Also its worth looking on money saving expert for things like paid surveys, they dont pay much but you could bring in a little extra cash direct to you/your sons account, to speed up the process.

I really hope you get out soon and have a wonderful life without him x

Thank you. I agree I should try to plan for 3 months of finances. If I told him I wanted to leave it wouldn’t go well.

Open a new account in your name so it's there ready & waiting. Go paperless so nothing comes through the post.

What an awful situation OP. Have a chat with citizens advice to find out what benefits you're entitled to when you leave and how soon you can get them once you have left. How much have you got put away so far? I would say you'll need at least a 2 months wages (but it depends on how much you earn) and agree with PP about setting up your own bank account privately - then take your wages out on payday (maybe the day you leave) but prewarn your employer that they need to pay into the new account ASAP after that. Keep on trying with woman's aid for emergency accommodation and as soon as something comes up you should go. I should imagine places are pretty full atm because of relationship breakups after the covid lockdowns on top of the usual capacity. Does this guy have a history of violence towards you? maybe you could apply for a restraining order on him if you are worried about him following you to the new place, call 101 for advice on that. Otherwise it's going to be very difficult to cut complete ties at this stage - i'd look at some temporary accommodation as a stepping stone until you can put your permanent home plans into action. I don't think there's going to be an easier way. Shame you haven't got a friend or family member who could help you out but I appreciate too that this isn't always possible.. Good luck and let us know how you get on but more importantly keep yourself safe. Situations like this are heartbreaking

I’m just not sure sometimes if some of the things are actually abusive or I’m just over reacting or being dramatic.

That's his voice in your head not your own though, isn't it?

That's all the times he has told you that you're "overreacting" and being "dramatic" to keep control of you. That is what abusers do to control someone.

It is not true. If you find yourself parroting his excuses - pause and listen for your voice, not his.

I appreciate that it can feel emotionally conflicting to firmly say it is abuse, when his voice has been so loud for so long - but for the benefit of you and your son you really need to be able to do that.

Could you buy vouchers at the checkout with your weekly shop and then keep them in a safe place until you leave. This way you would have funds available that could be disguised in your shoppng and paid for from the joint account.
Similarly could get cash back when shopping, £5 or 10 everytime would soon swell the fund.
Set up a Revolute card and transfer onto this the day you leave and also withdraw the maximum amount you can in cash on the day.
Time your leaving date to coincide with your payday so that your wages are paid into newly arranged account in your name.
Just before leaving you could set up a direct debit from the jointy to your new account and see how long it takes him to spot it...

I left an abusive relationship with absolutely nothing. The local council put me up as homeless in a B&B and I used food banks until I got benefits.

You say you can't transfer your salary until you leave but if you get paid monthly you can change the bank it is paid to straight after you get paid so that you leave on the day you get paid. You could then use this to pay a deposit or rent on the day you move. You can survive with no money as you can use food banks and bills etc will take a month at least to come in.

If you apply for universal credit you can apply for a emergency payment immediately and you could also transfer child benefit to your name as well.

I meant to say, you should even be able to get your salary paid into DS account so that you have access to it.

Again, the fact that it's not safe to tell him you're leaving... there is no question of this being abuse.

I think you do know that deep down, beneath his voice echoing in your head, but I understand how difficult it can feel to commit to saying it.

Stay safe, keep your head up, start tuning his voice down so you can hear yours again, and I hope you find a way to leave safely very, very, very soon.

Take care.

Also please make sure you are covering your tracks online. You can report your thread and ask MN to move it to a topic that isn't searchable so you don't lose the info but aren't left exposed either.