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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much money do you need to leave?

193 replies

FluffyT · 02/09/2021 18:58

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 28/10/2021 19:00

I saw you had updated the post and came on hoping this was a message to say you were free.
I am on the other side but I have been similar to where you are. I know you’re tired, worn down and broken. You have to summon every bit of yourself to leave for the sake of your son. You have to protect him.

What is your plan?

Greenhillfaraway · 28/10/2021 19:15

Don’t feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong, and he is saying these things as emotional blackmail.

I hope you manage to leave Flowers

Original poster
FluffyT · 28/10/2021 19:24

I want to take DS and leave. I dream about it. Actually doing it is terrifying. I am trying hard to build myself up and get strong enough to do it. He’s just so confusing though and makes me second guess myself all the time. I tell myself to be strong but sometimes it just seems futile and he says or does something to make me question myself and I feel stupid for thinking I can or should leave. I am fundamentally weak and he knows it.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 28/10/2021 19:40

He’s gaslighted you, financially controlled you and he’s hit you.
He’s hurting your son with emotional blackmail.

Have you got enough to stay at a hotel or an airbnb for a few weeks. That will get you both out of there and in a safe place.
Once you have breathing space then look for somewhere to live.

10Minutestobedtime · 28/10/2021 19:46

So sorry to hear that you're going through this OP. Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to to ask for help?

I haven't read the full thread so sorry if I'm repeating advice. Just wondered if you've had legal advice? Wondered if you need to leave or if you would feel safe enough in the house if your OH leaves? You could apply for a Non-Molestation Order and an Occupation Order to get him out of the family home.

Also, could you approach the bank that your joint account is with and explain the situation and ask if your OH would be notified if you're issued with login details for online banking? If he's not notified you could have the details sent to your work address/email address then at least you could have a look at how much money is in the account and transfer some of it to your sole account on the day you leave (as soon as you're safe).

Hope you and your son can be safe soon OP.Flowers

MavisMonkey · 28/10/2021 20:26

@FluffyT I think you are so so so far from weak.

You have endured abuse for years, what no person should ever have to go through, and raised an amazing son in these circumstances- you say he wants to get a part time job to help and he says he's upset anyone thinks he's anything like his father.

That is evidence you're strong and your husband hasn't gotten the better of you.

You're on here taking advice and my starting your savings and getting your own bank account you've made vital first steps to getting away. None of these actions are weak. You are strong and amazing x

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2021 22:25

You'll get the courage to leave, I'm sure you will. The straw will come that breaks the camel's back for you.

Right now, just make whatever preparations you can; bug out bags, hidden cash, a list of phone numbers. I said it before but here I go again: The 'readier' you are to pick up and go, the more likely you'll be to do it on the spur of the moment when he's in the middle of one of his rants.

In the meantime, just continue to be open and honest with your son. Make sure he knows that the two of you will get out when you can. Is there any way your son can be involved in clubs or sports, anything to get him out of the house as much as possible? Is there any chance that his school could offer him (and you) support?

I know I've also mentioned this before, but please reach out to family and friends, even distant ones.

Original poster
FluffyT · 28/10/2021 23:33

Thank you for your kind replies. I needed those this evening.

DH won’t let DS get involved in any clubs as they cost too much money and he thinks it will distract him from school work. I’ve tried to persuade him to let DS join a swimming club but he won’t have it and gets angry when I bring it up now so DS has told me to forget it and stop trying. He does spend time with friends but has a much stricter curfew than them.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 29/10/2021 00:07

FluffyT you are moving in the right direction. Keep taking those baby steps. You have to admit to others, even strangers, that you are in a coercive situation and need their help to get out. You will one day soon. I know you will do it for your son and for yourself. Keep believing in yourself and the freedom to come Flowers

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 00:27

@FluffyT

But then he would know something was going on. If I changed where my salary goes before I leave I mean. I’m also not sure I’d be able to keep my job because we’d have to move further away to get away properly.
If they consider it necessary you could get sent to a refuge I think. This sounds horrible and I hate to think what else goes on. How controlling is he, to expect your money to go in to one account. Rather than your own and you then contribute towards things.
Vispa · 29/10/2021 00:29

Not sure if this has been mentioned OP but the Freedom Programme (its free) can help with figuring things out - he's emotionally abusing and manipulating/gargling you. You are doing the right thing by planning to leave, and you sound like a great mum to your ds who sounds amazing.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Vispa · 29/10/2021 00:30

Sorry gaslighting not gargling!

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 00:30

@FluffyT

He’s not financially abusive as such. Just quite careful with our money.
Clearly not, as you can't now put your wages in to a separate account without him thinking something is up, that is wrong in itself. There must be other things if you want to leave. Sorry I had not taken on board the bit where I mentioned a refuge and thinking that as you said your DS wanted to get a job, that he must be a teen at least. That is a difficult situation and one I have heard of in the past, about it being difficult to get in to a refuge, this really needs changing or other accommodation available. As I do understand why other women wouldn't want a teenage boy there.
BrokenSoul2021 · 29/10/2021 00:42

Hello OP, I hope you are ok. If you have a little bit put away just take what you need and run. Go straight into your local council and tell them you are homeless because of DV and if they don't have any space in refuge or temporary accommodation they should put you up in a hotel or b&b, out of area if needed. As soon as you do that even whilst your in the office, make a claim for UC so you can get your advance payment the same day which will tide you over until you get yourself sorted. I am currently in refuge with my 2 DC and its so hard right now but it will be worth it in the long run. I really hope you find the strength to leave, the niceness never lasts for very long Flowers

bluelemming · 29/10/2021 00:47

Hi OP - just wanted to let you know I am rooting for you and I bet there are hundreds of lurkers on this thread quietly doing the same.

You sound awesome and so does your son. Never doubt yourself, life will get better. When the time is right you will do it. And Mumsnet will be cheering you on.

k1233 · 29/10/2021 05:16

Not sure if these have been mentioned.

Joint account - can you withdraw money by yourself? If so physically go to the bank the day you are leaving and withdraw funds or set up a new account and ask them to transfer funds over (not sure how easy it is to set up an account these days).

Your employer may have a domestic violence policy and may be able to either cash out some of your leave or give you an advance that you repay. You may not want them knowing your personal situation, but it might help get you $$ faster if you can talk to someone about it.

pilates · 29/10/2021 06:49

Op, please leave, you and your son need to get out of this abusive relationship. This is damaging your son. You have a secret account now which is a step in the right direction. You need to start preparing. Make sure passports and important stuff is in a place which is readily available, the same with your son’s belongings. Go to the council and I’m sure they will give you lots of help regarding emergency housing. Arrange to leave on your payday (which is already set up to go into your new account). You may need to confide in your employer so they are aware of the situation. On the day you leave go to a shop and buy food and get the maximum out with cashback and then get some more money out from service till. There is no nice way to do this but you need to get out ASAP and be careful as you don’t want him getting a whiff of what you are up to. Good luck you can do this.

Walkingwounded · 29/10/2021 07:12

It’s great that you have contacted Women’s Aid. Have they allocated you a support worker?

If not you need to ask. Even if they can’t provide places at a refuge, they will support you to prepare to leave, and support you afterwards. That support will be invaluable as you take steps towards freedom.

You are doing great, as pp said, just keep taking the baby steps. Your head is all confused because he has confused you through the years. I know how you feel.

Offmyfence · 29/10/2021 07:21

@FluffyT

Thank you for your kind replies. I needed those this evening.

DH won’t let DS get involved in any clubs as they cost too much money and he thinks it will distract him from school work. I’ve tried to persuade him to let DS join a swimming club but he won’t have it and gets angry when I bring it up now so DS has told me to forget it and stop trying. He does spend time with friends but has a much stricter curfew than them.

Poor lad, run and give yourself and DS freedom!
FlippinFedUp21 · 29/10/2021 07:32

Listen to your own voice, not your DH. YOUR voice is telling you to run and take your DS with you. YOUR voice is calling out to protect yourself and your DH. YOUR voice is going into survival mode, knowing you're in danger.

I second everyone who has suggested to transfer money to your new account for the day you get paid, and to leave on that day.

IknowwhatIneed · 29/10/2021 07:34

There’s also a little voice in me saying he’s telling us those things to blackmail us into doing what he wants. Like emotional blackmail.

Listen to that voice. Trust it.

Put it this way, if your husband were truly suicidal, he needs more help than you or your son could give him so you leaving is neither here nor there. Him making that statement acts to keep you in a place of being controlled - and worse he told your son, who is more vulnerable to emotional blackmail and less able to rationalise. Do it in your own time, but leave when you can.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 07:38

Keep moving forward to being free of him.
Ignore his threats, he is not your problem.

Thetrainisinthestation · 29/10/2021 07:44

My exh sounded identical to yours

He made sure that my salary was paid into a joint account I had no access to.
He was horrible to me but laid on the guilt anytime I said I wanted to leave.
He made me account for anything I needed to buy.

I think it took me maybe 6 months of knowing I needed to leave before I just did

I didn’t have a plan, I hadn’t prepared anything in advance.

I waited until day before pay day, waited for DH to leave for work and packed up what I could in my car and drove to my parents and never went back

I called my work and got my pay from then changed to my own account.

I stayed at my parents for a few months until I found a place and had the confidence again to rent a place of my own

Good luck op

skodadoda · 29/10/2021 07:51

@FluffyT

I don’t have a card for our account. I can’t go full time or get my own account. DS is only 15 but any little job he gets DH will expect him to pay into the joint account for board so I told him there’s no point. There were no spaces for me and DS. There was a space for just me but I couldn’t leave DS. That’s probably gone now anyway. The lady said there was very high demand. I’m so sorry. I know it seems I’m making excuses. I’m really not trying to. I am in the south of England.
A 15 year old should not be paying for board! This man is a monster, not a parent.
Parky04 · 29/10/2021 07:54

@FluffyT

Yesterday was awful. He told DS if we left him he would kill himself and it would be our fault, that things are like they are because DS and I don’t respect him enough, treat him badly and leave him out of things deliberately. We upset him and that’s why he loses control and doesn’t know what he’s doing sometimes. I’m feeling incredibly guilty, like I’ve done something wrong, or am making it worse somehow. There’s also a little voice in me saying he’s telling us those things to blackmail us into doing what he wants. Like emotional blackmail. And today he’s been lovely to us both. I’m really trying to be strong but it’s so confusing.
Suggest that you listen to that little voice because it's 100% correct! You need to leave but you know that. Best of luck.