How much money do you need to leave?

[FluffyT]

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

Citizens advice think better when you speak to caseworker. Maybe just my one but the man doing first contact was bad and I think maybe even he is an abuser himself cos he was so nasty but the caseworker seems good.

I originally did this savings for myself and kids if I had to leave. I'd managed to save a 5digit figure but something happened (good) and I know I don't want to leave, dp now knows about these savings and it has definitely dramatically increased since in only about a year!
Safe amount is probably enough for a flat deposit and 3months rent plus 2 months worth of shopping and travel money though!

Thank you. I am going to try and contact women’s aid again when I can. Though I’m not going to tell DS in case there are no spaces as that will tip him right over the edge.

Hi, OP.

On your leave day, do go and speak to the council housing officer. Tell him/her that you are in an abusive relationship. They should have a duty to re-home you, though this could be any kind of accommodation, including a Travelodge, and will probably be far from home, as they deem that safest.

I had a real struggle getting a bank account. I tried banks that I didn't have an account with, but they all said that they would need to mail stuff out as it's to prevent fraud. In the end of asked to speak to the manager at my own bank, who was very supportive, set up a separate account for me and had all the documentation sent to his branch. BUT - it was linked to the joint account, so showed up on my online banking. As he accessed my online banking (apparently, that is illegal) I could only do it shortly before leaving and had to bluff that my password wasn't working for a few days.

My bank manager also said that our joint account had to be frozen once they knew we were separated. He did allow me to transfer some money first. I would - if you can access online banking - transfer what you can from your joint account to your own account as soon as you have safely left. You could transfer from your child's account before that. You could also - as PP has said - time it so that you leave on the day your wages are due, and have already arranged to have them paid into your new account.

The council can help you with deposit for a new rental when there has been abuse. I believe that UC kicks in immediately, too, if you are eligible.

I got caught doing the cashback at the supermarket. I'm not sure if he was checking receipts or bank statements.

Hi OP. I think people's advice to have a couple of months savings would be fine if he wasn't violent. But in your situation i would just go. Use the money you have to put a deposit on the cheapest place you can find and go.... speak to the council and shelter to find somewhere in the short term... go and present as homeless. Call in sick with stress for a few days if neccesary whilst you get it sorted. Inforn the police you are suffering DV and leaving him. They can give your address a high priority marker if you had to call 999. Just get you and your lovely son out of there xx

I don't know where you are, but holiday lets often rent out for the winter. Fully furnished - if you have to leave with very little in the way of belongings.

OP is there anyone at DS's school you could talk to like family support? I work in a school and have helped women with finding help to get away from abusive relationships. Have you any friends or family to talk to? Sending hugs x

Can you plan to leave the day before you are due to be paid and have your work change the bank details so that pay packet goes direct to you rather than into the joint account? You'll be gone by the time he realises the pay hasn't gone to him.

I'm rooting for you OP

Here is a bit more information about council deposit schemes
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/rent_deposit_bond_and_guarantee_schemes

This may be useful too
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/get_help_from_the_council

Yes, time your leaving so that your salary goes into your own new bank account the next day (or so)

BUT well in advance find out how much notice your employer needs to set up payroll to pay into your new account. Give them plenty of notice, and then check just before pay day.

You can go into most metro banks in-store and fill out an application for a bank account along with your i.d there and then. They print the card whilst you wait. Good luck to you and your DS

I know you’ve already spoken to WA but have you spoken to any women’s aid local to you? So if you google where you live (example: Liverpool or Cardiff or Luton- not expecting you to share that- in fact, don’t) and women’s aid they might be able to give you a better idea as to what’s available in your local area and what’s the best course of action to take. It can differ sometimes and I really think you need advice from someone like that to keep safe until you leave. Setting up a bank account and having your wages paid into that is the obvious solution but not necessarily the safest for now. My ex would have made it even harder to just leave the house if I’d done that, never mind leave him for good.

Take care OP and stay safe

Go into your local branch of your card and ask to speak to the bank manager. You need to explain you are a victim of domestic violence and financial abuse. Ask them to change your address temporarily to the banks branch address to have a bank card and pin sent to them that you can collect. Also get them to set up internet banking then get them to change your address back to your original home address. I work in a high street bank and have done this before for victims of domestic violence. Good luck with everything and pm me if you think I may be able to help. I work for Halifax Bank.

I would suggest that if it's so bad that you need to hide the money, the most important thing is to get out ASAP, with the minimum amount of money that you need to do so.

@LittleGwyneth

I would suggest that if it's so bad that you need to hide the money, the most important thing is to get out ASAP, with the minimum amount of money that you need to do so.

This ^

@legoriakelne

There is no excuse for violence.

Millions of people go through enormous stress every day without using violence against anyone.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience at CA. That is one of the reasons it is so important that you are able to say "I am experiencing domestic abuse" - sometimes you sadly do still encounter poorly trained people making dangerous suggestions, but if you can be clear it cuts through any potential misunderstandings that happen if you minimise or just give a few isolated examples out of context.

"I have been suffering domestic violence and I need your help with..."

Deep breath and say it to them.

I have been practicing saying this out loud in the mirror. It’s very hard. I think this is the first time I’ve really acknowledged it. I hope I can say it to an actual person when I go to town.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice.

Most banks prefer paperless accounts, so you can open one without your husband knowing. At least then you may be able to have your last salary after leaving go directly to your account.
Universal Credit claims take 5 weeks to process, so that month's salary can help tide you over until everything is up and running.

OP- If it’s too difficult saying it out loud, write it down. Pass the bank manager/CA adviser/Doctor whoever a piece of paper saying “I’m a victim of domestic and financial abuse and I need help”. Whatever you need to do

@FluffyT

Thank you for all your suggestions. I will look into all of them. I have managed to book a secret annual leave day next week so I can go to a different town and enquire at some of the banks and I’ll try to see if I can speak to someone at the council. Would it be the housing department I need to speak to? Sorry, I don’t have much experience with councils and benefits. I’m not sure I can face the police at the moment.

DS has discovered that we couldn’t go to a shelter because there were no spaces anywhere that took teen boys and he is really, really upset by it. I’ve tried to explain the reasons and that it’s not a reflection on him individually but he’s now of the opinion that it’s all his fault we haven’t left yet and he is devastated that “people think I’m going to be just like him”. Added to his already vulnerable state I’m worried. I really feel like I have failed him as a mother.

Please don't think this! You have NOT let him down... His abusive father has let you both down. Your son sounds lovely and will be an exceptional man 👍👍

Glad to hear you've booked a day off. It may be worth making a few phone calls before you go to set up appointments with the right people. As time is tight you need to get as much out of the day as possible. You don't want to find the people you need to speak to are booked up or in meetings.

If you are looking to open a bank account you will need 2 forms of ID. One with your photo on like a driving license or passport and an address verification doc such as council tax, water bill etc. Try to get an account with an overdraft facility.

Best of luck. Life should not be like this.

@FluffyT I have experience of giving professional advice in this situation. Just now all you’ll be able to see is the barriers. Try to look at what CAN be done.

The local authority has an obligation to provide accommodation. You don’t need a deposit or months rent. It won’t be ideal but will be temporary. You can save while staying there.

You must tell LA you are leaving because of violence, and financial abuse. Give examples of violence and explain you don’t have access to your wages. Don’t play it down. Just state facts. Tell them when you plan to leave and that you need to be accommodated. If they try to fob you off then send them an email. Come back here and people will help you along the way.

You can access the joint account at the branch, as long as it’s definitely in joint names. You don’t need a card or anything. If you know which company the account is with then go to the branch the day you leave, before he knows, and ask to transfer all funds to a safe account. You’ll need photo ID. You don’t need to know the sort code or account number. They’ll find you with your name and address. You could pop in to check the balance any time before you leave - he won’t know.

Get your wages paid to a safe account. Do this just before you leave and time it so that your pay is due just after you leave. Can you increase your hours so that your first pay after leaving will be bigger?

Your son could get a little job and do the same with changing where his pay goes, just before you leave.

Check with women’s aid what else they can do to help even though you won’t be going to one of their refuges.

Go back to citizens advice and state that you’re leaving because of violence and no access to your own wages. Ask what help there is.

Get out ASAP. It’s going to take you too long to get money together. The above strategy will allow you to leave within a month. It CAN be done.

Keep coming back here and getting advice. You’ll feel helpless but keep focusing on the solutions and you’ll get there.