How much money do you need to leave?

[FluffyT]

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

Please talk to your employer.
At my company (and most I’ve worked at) have policies for money around financial hardship. Including domestic violence. You can speak to HR.

We have previously advanced money and also held money to send into a new account.

I would also really think about going to the police here. Please get the courage, and get a case opened. There was a thread on here about a year ago when a poster tried similar and hadnt gone to the police. When the poster approached the council, they rang and did a check at their home. Where the partner told them there was no need to leave and they had not asked them to. Technically that did not make the poster homeless and the council were unable to help.

I don’t know if that was an aberration/ one off but I remember being horrified.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, none of this is your fault. This is him. But please find the courage to be able to clearly say, my husband is physically violent, financially abusive and uses coercive and controlling behaviours.

You have to be able to tell this story to get help.

My daughter had £10. Obviously she had family support, but even without that she would have survived. We did a lot of the things that the refuge would have done for her, but if we weren't around they would have stepped in more.

If there is no abuse and no family support then that's a different story altogether.

Talking about help from companies, I know my employer has offered to set people up with accommodation urgently if they’ve needed it short term.
Abs like pp said, they can advance money and redirect it if you need to also

Sorry op, my pist was a bit of a general advice to anyone out there and doesn't help your situation.

It soubds really hard. My daughter had small children and it's so much easier to access help in that situation. It definitely sounds abusive, but refuges are very underfunded and provision basic. I wouldn't leave my older child with your husband either. Hope you get something sorted soon.

Post, not pist.

@Penistoe

I second withdrawing all the money from the joint account at a bank and leaving straight away. The sooner the better.

Me too! That money is yours, OP, you have every right to clear it out.

And talk to the council's housing department, explain that you're planning to flee an abusive relationship, you will have your son with you and you can't go to a refuge, and see what they say. (Councils vary in how they deal with this sort of scenario, but many will have temporary accommodation for people in your situation.)

The DA helpline is very good (0808 2000 247). As well as general advice, they can put you in touch with legal aid solicitors who can help. If you can bear to start compiling a log of incidents and ways in which your husband has been controlling or violent, this will come in useful later on.

You will almost certainly be entitled to UC once you are liable to pay rent. You can use one of the online calculators (Entitledto is the most user friendly imo) to see how much you would get, just put in a figure for the rent you would expect to pay.

Open your own bank account now, and you'll be able to get your wages paid into it. Time your exit for as close as possible to the first day that your wages will be paid into your own account.

I really hope this works out for you, OP. You will have the collective power of the MN hive mind supporting you!

@FluffyT No more! Take a day’s holiday without your husband knowing. Pack as much as you can to see you through for a while. Go to whatever your equivalent is for when you are being made homeless. Tell them you left because of DV and can’t get into a shelter.

They’ll probably put you in a ‘hotel’ but don’t get your hopes up when you hear that word. It’ll be a halfway type house and it’s a bit horrid. But it’s only very temporary as you’ll then get priority for housing. It’ll take some grit, but in a few weeks you can have a life of your own.
Do it whilst DS is 15! He is still classed as a child, you’ll get housing sooner. Do it now, please!! It’s not going to get better otherwise, and your boy will carry these scars forever. Starting anew is the only way for you both to stop hurting and start healing.
Also - a LOT of abusers threaten suicide. It’s just another way of controlling you. Please, please go. Today, tomorrow, this week. But go before you leave as a little article in a newspaper.

Id say £500 for rent, £500 for house deposit, £500 for food and bills until your wage or UC comes in.
Can be done.
Good luck x

Hi OP

I just wanted to say you have not failed in your marriage. Your husband is abusive. This is entirely on him. It's not because you push him to it, because you're not tidy / careful/ whatever else pisses him off, enough. You're not weak for not leaving yet, you are so strong to be able to recognise what's going on and make plans, that's a massive mind shift. You haven't done it yet because having being abused for years, you are not confident, and that's a completely normal response.

Please be kind to yourself. What would you say to a friend or even a stranger who had been abused? You wouldn't think 'oh she is weak, I don't believe her, she should have tried harder at her marriage'. You would think 'what a bastard, what can I do to help, she is so brave for leaving'. Every time you have these thoughts, switch it round and imagine you are talking to a friend and what you would say to her. I am not in he same boat as you but quite self critical and it really helps.

You've had a lot of good advice about leaving, I just wanted to add be very careful about using sites like this, make sure you change all your phone / computer and site passwords regularly as if he knows something is up he is likely to snoop

Sorry OP I should have added in my other post, but reading what people said about the council etc helping. Obviously area to area can be quite different, but as far as I was aware, certain criteria will warrant help, wherever you are. So homelessness or threatened with homelessness/home not suitable to stay in, DV obviously being one of the biggest factors, they have to help. Yes there are many who got placed in similar places that have already been mentioned. But then some got a temporary flat etc but ended up there a long time, so wouldn't have to move quickly etc. You need to have a look online at your council's website and see what it says, I had to fill things in online, and then have a telephone assessment and then scan documents etc. I was emailing/calling a couple of times a week, but then I think some of my circumstances made a difference to action taken, and at one point refuge's were mentioned. I ended up with a private let, because some councils do this a lot more now. Because it's to try to solve longer term issues with you and your housing. As otherwise, if they place you elsewhere you are still there like a pest and they still have to look for somewhere else for you.
As your DH is working I assume you have some time to make calls etc.

Could you get a non mol against him so that he is removed from the house?

I'm sure your already aware of this OP but please be careful to change passwords/ delete all traces of your browsing history and be aware he may have hidden tracking/surveillance apps on your mobile/GPS tracker on your car/smart speakers/ring doorbells etc. This kind of tech is easily accessible to anyone (they don't need to be computer literate to use it) and there has been a big increase of this type of technology being used by abusers recently. A cheap hidden pay as you go mobile that he doesn't know about might be safer.

I would also speak to your GP or any other services that will keep a written record so that there is 'evidence' of the abuse

@FluffyT

Thank you for your kind replies. I needed those this evening.

DH won’t let DS get involved in any clubs as they cost too much money and he thinks it will distract him from school work. I’ve tried to persuade him to let DS join a swimming club but he won’t have it and gets angry when I bring it up now so DS has told me to forget it and stop trying. He does spend time with friends but has a much stricter curfew than them.

This is abuse.

You've had some great advice on here.Nothing to add to that except I have been where you are and if you speak to WA again and tell them of his threats to harm himself,they will tell you it is the most common tactic of an abuser .and is extremely unlikely ever to happen. My ex did this emotional blackmailtoo. Just another means of control. Don't feel guilty or sad. The man you thought he was at the start doesn't exist and is never coming back. Do this for your son. I promise, you will thrive and so will he, you will not believe how good a life of freedom is when you get away. Walk away with nothing if you have to , just walk and everything else will fall into place. You are not the only one to go through this, and you can do it.

OP was just wondering if you can sell any items on eBay or Facebook to help build your exit fund and tell your DH that you've donated to charity or things have broken? It won't be a huge amount but might help to accelerate your timeline.
Having said that, as many others have already said, I do think the wisest thing is to clear out the joint account the day you decide it's time to leave

I have sent you pm.

Are you ok @FluffyT

Been thinking of you and your son.

Hope you’re managing ok