Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much money do you need to leave?

193 replies

FluffyT · 02/09/2021 18:58

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

OP posts:
Larryyourwaiter · 08/09/2021 09:10

If you do the shopping I would try and make sure cupboards are full so you can take it all. Do you know how much money is in the joint account?

MydogWillow · 08/09/2021 12:05

OP, I know it may seem daunting but is it possible to use your secret day off to flee with your DS? There is much help available to you as advised by pp's.

If not, do you have a day when you can do it safely?

MydogWillow · 09/09/2021 21:29

How are you OP?

Planty13 · 09/09/2021 21:34

You need rent bond and first months rent. Get friends to help with moving your stuff. Went through this and our home was nearly kitted out with second hand sofas and beds furniture due to friends and family. I was a kid and bought toaster/kettle/ microwave etc with my money

Wish you the best OP

Planty13 · 09/09/2021 21:37

My local Morrisons do cash back on self serve so you could use that to your advantage

Bobsyer · 09/09/2021 21:43

@FluffyT

If your money is going into a joint account, you have the right to not only that money but also to have a card and any other stationery you need.

If you can get to a branch with some ID, you can remove all the money from the account.

I'm not sure if that is helpful if you don't know how much is in there, but it's your money too.

Hope you manage to get away soon Flowers

Pebbledashery · 09/09/2021 21:49

I'm not suggesting you wait this long but my story is I saved and saved every single penny I had for about 6 months, every penny of that went on deposit, rent and furniture and essentially.. I also applied for child maintenance before I left him and he got the papers several days after we fled. There will be a refuge that will take you.. Or if you call your local council and tell them you need to flee domestic abuse then they should hopefully prioritise you for temporary accommodation..

Snoozer11 · 09/09/2021 22:03

Could you speak to HR at your workplace and tell them your situation?

I completely understand it will be a difficult conversation and you won't want to open up to a stranger, but depending on the company there is a chance they may help you with a loan.

I've been surprised by stories of employers doing this in situations where the employee is in financial trouble for other reasons, so certainly keep it in mind.

Jangle33 · 09/09/2021 22:17

Thinking of you OP. There are people on this thread who know much more than me but I hope you will come back here for support and you can find your way out.

Orla1970 · 09/09/2021 23:39

Like others OP I think you should take the opportunity sooner rather than later to leave. Go in person and withdraw money in your bank branch. Confide in HR at work. They can make the necessary arrangements to change where your wages get paid into. Stay safe and best of luck. You sound like a lovely caring mum and your boys a credit to you xxx

MydogWillow · 22/09/2021 09:00

How are you @FluffyT?

Original poster
FluffyT · 01/10/2021 16:06

@MydogWillow I am ok thankyou. Bit of a crisis of confidence has meant we haven’t left yet. I’m trying to build myself back up to do it. I am in that cycle where things are bad and I gee myself up to leave and then all of a sudden things are ok and, dare I say, even nice for a little while and then I lose my nerve and don’t go through with it and seem to lose myself a bit more, then me or DS will do or say something to rock the boat and DH gets angry or annoyed and it starts all over again. It is so stupid and I know it’s stupid and really quite pathetic, but I fall for it everytime. It is not easy to leave, practically and emotionally but I know I’m doing a disservice to my DS. I did get a bank account set up and DS has put all the money we have into it from his account and I’ve got the number for my payroll people so I can try to get my wages changed into the new bank account when I eventually get my act together.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2021 20:34

The "readier" you are now the easier it'll be to leave when he kicks off next time. Do as much as you can: bug out bags packed & hid, cash enough for a cab or be sure to have enough petrol in your tank to get you to the next town. Put yourself in the best position to just jet away. You can make phone calls from 50 miles away as easily as from your house.

Original poster
FluffyT · 05/10/2021 17:12

I phoned women’s aid last night. They said there were no refuge spaces for my DS and I. The lady did give me some advice about things that I need to do that I hadn’t really thought of or done yet though, which was very helpful, and also included some things that some of you have already advised on here, so thank you.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 20/10/2021 08:56

How are you getting on?

coodawoodashooda · 20/10/2021 09:59

I started buying things the next size up fory kids. I wasn't sure id be leaving but i knew things were awful. Women's Aid will help you find out options that you might be able to take.

coodawoodashooda · 20/10/2021 10:00

@FluffyT

I phoned women’s aid last night. They said there were no refuge spaces for my DS and I. The lady did give me some advice about things that I need to do that I hadn’t really thought of or done yet though, which was very helpful, and also included some things that some of you have already advised on here, so thank you.
I can't tell you how amazing it is having a home that isn't filled with a beast. Stay in touch with Women's Aid.
FoxgloveSummers · 20/10/2021 10:06

@FluffyT there are new rules about housing for people fleeing domestic violence england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

PLEASE when it’s safe call your council’s housing team. They have a responsibility to house you if you explain that you and your son are experiencing abuse. You could be out over the next few days. You’re effectively being kept prisoner by your husband’s financial practices and it’s keeping you and your son in harm’s way. Please call the council, or even Shelter, today.

coodawoodashooda · 21/10/2021 08:08

[quote FoxgloveSummers]@FluffyT there are new rules about housing for people fleeing domestic violence england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

PLEASE when it’s safe call your council’s housing team. They have a responsibility to house you if you explain that you and your son are experiencing abuse. You could be out over the next few days. You’re effectively being kept prisoner by your husband’s financial practices and it’s keeping you and your son in harm’s way. Please call the council, or even Shelter, today.[/quote]
Yes but be careful. Make sure it is absolutely certain you are getting out before you leave.

Sn0tnose · 21/10/2021 08:22

I’ve got the number for my payroll people so I can try to get my wages changed into the new bank account when I eventually get my act together.

I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but it may be an idea to give them a ring now and see if they have a cut off point for changes to pay. My payroll people are happy to change anything but it has to be done by a certain day of the month and if we miss the deadline, it won’t be changed until the following month.

I’d hate for you to make that break then lose a months pay because of a deadline you weren’t aware of, meaning it went straight to an account he has access to.

coodawoodashooda · 21/10/2021 08:52

@Sn0tnose

I’ve got the number for my payroll people so I can try to get my wages changed into the new bank account when I eventually get my act together.

I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but it may be an idea to give them a ring now and see if they have a cut off point for changes to pay. My payroll people are happy to change anything but it has to be done by a certain day of the month and if we miss the deadline, it won’t be changed until the following month.

I’d hate for you to make that break then lose a months pay because of a deadline you weren’t aware of, meaning it went straight to an account he has access to.

Yes. Go to the bank as well. Explain your situation. Speak to the bank manager in private.
Original poster
FluffyT · 22/10/2021 21:56

How do you just tell strangers this sort of thing? I am so ashamed that I have failed at my marriage, and so worried no one will believe me. It’s so hard to say it out loud. And what happens if they don’t believe me? Has anyone ever told someone and not been believed? DH is so charming to everyone that it just doesn’t seem believable if you’re not inside it. What do you actually say out loud. I’ve been trying to imagine the conversation with, say, the bank manager but I just can’t see it.

OP posts:
fiveleftfeet · 22/10/2021 22:14

Go to the bank. Before you go in, write on a piece of paper.

"I have written this down because I find it hard to say out loud. My partner is violent and financially abusive. I am making steps to leave. He controls all the money and I don't have a card to the account. I need to know how to open a new account and get my wages switched over to it when I leave. Thank you for your help".

Then go in and ask to speak to the manager. If you find you can speak to her/him, then don't worry about the note. But if you find it tough, say "this is difficult for me so I've written it down" and hand them the note.

When you leave make sure you throw the note away so your husband doesn't find it in your pocket when you get home.

Good luck. You can do it Flowers

fiveleftfeet · 22/10/2021 22:17

You don't need to disclose why you need to speak to the manager. If they ask, just say something like "it's a private matter about an account that I need to speak to a manager about".

Original poster
FluffyT · 28/10/2021 18:39

Yesterday was awful. He told DS if we left him he would kill himself and it would be our fault, that things are like they are because DS and I don’t respect him enough, treat him badly and leave him out of things deliberately. We upset him and that’s why he loses control and doesn’t know what he’s doing sometimes. I’m feeling incredibly guilty, like I’ve done something wrong, or am making it worse somehow. There’s also a little voice in me saying he’s telling us those things to blackmail us into doing what he wants. Like emotional blackmail. And today he’s been lovely to us both. I’m really trying to be strong but it’s so confusing.

OP posts: