How much money do you need to leave?

[FluffyT]

Those of you that have left a partner, how much money would you estimate you needed to survive in the short-term while you sorted yourself out? What do you think is the minimum you need?

@wobblywinelover

What an awful situation OP. Have a chat with citizens advice to find out what benefits you're entitled to when you leave and how soon you can get them once you have left. How much have you got put away so far? I would say you'll need at least a 2 months wages (but it depends on how much you earn) and agree with PP about setting up your own bank account privately - then take your wages out on payday (maybe the day you leave) but prewarn your employer that they need to pay into the new account ASAP after that. Keep on trying with woman's aid for emergency accommodation and as soon as something comes up you should go. I should imagine places are pretty full atm because of relationship breakups after the covid lockdowns on top of the usual capacity. Does this guy have a history of violence towards you? maybe you could apply for a restraining order on him if you are worried about him following you to the new place, call 101 for advice on that. Otherwise it's going to be very difficult to cut complete ties at this stage - i'd look at some temporary accommodation as a stepping stone until you can put your permanent home plans into action. I don't think there's going to be an easier way. Shame you haven't got a friend or family member who could help you out but I appreciate too that this isn't always possible.. Good luck and let us know how you get on but more importantly keep yourself safe. Situations like this are heartbreaking

Thankyou. I did go to citizens advice and the man I spoke to wasn’t very helpful and advised we try counselling. I think we probably have nearly enough for a month but that’s taken 6 months to scrape together. I am just a bit scared of trying to set up my own bank account. Well, yes, there is sometimes violence but not all the time and it’s usually when things have been very stressful.

@legoriakelne

I’m just not sure sometimes if some of the things are actually abusive or I’m just over reacting or being dramatic.

That's his voice in your head not your own though, isn't it?

That's all the times he has told you that you're "overreacting" and being "dramatic" to keep control of you. That is what abusers do to control someone.

It is not true. If you find yourself parroting his excuses - pause and listen for your voice, not his.

I appreciate that it can feel emotionally conflicting to firmly say it is abuse, when his voice has been so loud for so long - but for the benefit of you and your son you really need to be able to do that.

I suppose so. I don’t help myself though sometimes.

@saleorbouy

Could you buy vouchers at the checkout with your weekly shop and then keep them in a safe place until you leave. This way you would have funds available that could be disguised in your shoppng and paid for from the joint account. Similarly could get cash back when shopping, £5 or 10 everytime would soon swell the fund. Set up a Revolute card and transfer onto this the day you leave and also withdraw the maximum amount you can in cash on the day. Time your leaving date to coincide with your payday so that your wages are paid into newly arranged account in your name. Just before leaving you could set up a direct debit from the jointy to your new account and see how long it takes him to spot it...

Will that show up on a receipt?

There is no excuse for violence.

Millions of people go through enormous stress every day without using violence against anyone.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience at CA. That is one of the reasons it is so important that you are able to say "I am experiencing domestic abuse" - sometimes you sadly do still encounter poorly trained people making dangerous suggestions, but if you can be clear it cuts through any potential misunderstandings that happen if you minimise or just give a few isolated examples out of context.

"I have been suffering domestic violence and I need your help with..."

Deep breath and say it to them.

You seem like somebody putting a huge amount of effort and courage into helping herself to me.

Could you perhaps discuss splitting where your wages are paid into with your employer. Could you tell your husband that your wages have been cut due to Covid and ask your employer to pay say 10% into a separate account. As an employer myself I would be happy to accommodate this type of request from someone needing help. Another option could be to set up a "direct debit" for something fake that actually is paid into your own private account. Say it's an insurance or subscription of sorts

How much do you have so far op?

Is he violent to you and your son op?

Could you get access to the joint account? Can you go to the bank with ID an ask for a debit card? It’s your name on the account after all.

Please let me know if anyone is a banker and I’ve got this wrong.
Then you can take out your wages, leave and then arrange for your wages to be sent to a different account when you’ve left.

I don’t think my employer would be open to splitting my wages.
We have about a months worth I think but it depends on where we can stay.
He is violent sometimes, yes.
It would be difficult to get access to the account. I’ve been racking my brains trying to think of a good reason why I need it. I mean obviously there is a good reason but I’m afraid it wouldn’t work.

You’ve saved a month’s outgoings? WELL DONE! Wishing you all the luck in the world, OP. I hope you leave soon x

I would go with a month’s worth leave change what way you have to a different account and leave the day before payday personally.

If you are worried do you have anybody who you can stay with?

*your wages not what way

I know you want to keep thinking hes not abusive, and I understand why you might feel like that, but if I wanted to leave my husband I would be able to just tell him, we might argue, he might get emotional and cry, but I would have literally zero fears for my safety and that is what a non abusive relationship should look like

You are already planning to get out and you are an amazing strong resourceful woman for how much you have saved so far and the lengths you are going to to do it. Once you are in a more settled place it might be wise to have some counselling and explore you ideas around what is and isnt abuse and to confront what the relationship really is, to help you heal and grow stronger in your own capabilities

Hi OP, first of all I want to say I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and that you are absolutely doing the right thing by stepping away and looking after yourself. Financial abuse is serious (and for your comments it seems other domestic abuse is also happening...).

Now, just going to brainstorm a bit:

Do you have access to your joint account? I.e. your own bank card? If you are named as an account holder then you should be able to move money in and out of the account even without a bank card. The first thing I would do, like others have suggested, is open a private, sole account. Talk to your employer and arrange for your future pay to be paid into your new account. Then, when you are already to leave, I would transfer your previous earnings that have been going into the joint account on to your sole account and leave the joint account - BUT I would go to the bank first though, and request any statements and documentation you may need from the joint account, as once you leave the joint account you won't be entitled to anything documentation wise. Even if all you want is a statement from when you were in an account holder they won't be able to give it to you anymore.

You said you were worried you'd lose your income as you may not be able to continue working once you move. How often do you get paid? Every 4 weeks? Or every week? For example, I get paid every 4 week, paycheck comes in on the Friday for the work I did up until the previous Saturday (eg, I get paid on the 17th of Sept for the work I did/will do until the 12th). You should have a good look at the calendar and make sure you time you leaving just as your paycheck to goes into your sole account (I only say this as you wouldn't want your partner to find out you are leaving right? You want to be gone without him knowing you are planning it right?)

I would also figure out how you can maximise your earnings just before you leave so that the first payment that falls into your sole account can keep you going - can you pick up extra shifts? If you really don't think you can keep working once you move I would also talk to your employer and explain you will be moving away and unable to go into work from X date. Make sure you don't leave without notice as then your employer can without paying you your last week of work, or more depending on how much notice you need (and fail) to give. Perhaps you can also use up annual leave to give you an extra couple of weeks' income even after you've moved away. This should hopefully cover your in-between period of time, and after that you should be ready to receive Universal Credit, or similar.

Lastly, I have read previously on posts on escaping abuse the following advice: buy gift cards at the supermarket with your regular weekly shopping - your partner won't be able to tell from a bank statement that you bought them as it will only say "Sainsbury's", for example, and you can then use these to buy food and supplies in the future. Lots of places you wouldn't typically think of can be very useful, like you can even buy groceries through amazon so getting an amazon gift card would help you cover food costs once you're gone. Others that come to mind are Argos, Boots, M&S. Alternatively you can also divert some money by requesting cashback at the till.

Regarding your rights as a joint account holder - I dont know if I explained myself properly:

Even if you don't have your own debit card you still have the right to withdraw any and all funds from the account. You will likely have to go to the bank in person (and take your ID.), but it should be straight forward. Either set up a private account beforehand and then transfer money from the joint account onto it or simply withdraw it in cash if you don't want to leave a trail on the statement (nothing stopping you from depositing that cash into a sole account at a later date).

Also worth keeping in mind that when you do open an account you will have to provide an address to receive mail... is there a trusted friend or family member's address you can use to receive bank correspondence?

I do hope all works out for you...

OP this sounds like an awful situation. Some ideas of ways to save up your running away fund:

When buying groceries, buy a £10 gift card each time, that will help tide you over when you have moved out.

Have a good clear out and take clothes / old phones / anything that you can sell to one of those places that buys them / put them on facebook marketplace etc, but tell him that you are taking them to a charity shop.

Tell him your wages have been cut due to COVID and will be paid late by cheque - get them paid to your own account and then write a cheque to the joint account for a smaller amount.

Please be careful and cover your tracks, you are suffering from domestic abuse, I don't think you can see how bad it is.

In terms of what money you have access to - so you can walk into any branch of the bank which holds your joint account and ask for a statement. (You can also potentially set up Internet banking - but that might involve getting stuff posted which I suspect might be an issue?)

Once you know roughly what is there bear in mind at least half is yours. So you can request a withdrawal across to your own account at any point. The bank should be able to withdraw cash of £250-500 a day and transfer any amount to another bank account. If you have an address you can use I would look to setting up your own account. You can leave it empty for now incase he finds it but it is then ready to transfer into and change your wages. I'd use a different bank to your joint account incase your partner has already set up Internet banking for you - where it would show up.

How much do you earn in relation to your monthly aim for saving? Don't forget to include this into your savings as you can time your move so that your pay packet goes I to your new solo account.

You will find that once you make the decision to go there will be people who can help you - who perhaps cannot now. As others have suggested present yourself and your son at the council. They are obliged to find something for you - it may not be pretty but it will be a roof.

Take care.

I second withdrawing all the money from the joint account at a bank and leaving straight away. The sooner the better.

We left with £0. We had no carpets for 2 years. Shared a single bed for a year etc. The feeling of relief overrode all monetary issues. Good luck op.

You are being abused. He has no excuses and ‘I don’t help myself’ is him getting in your head. He has no right to treat you this way. I hope you get away, it’s hard. I did it a few years ago. Best thing I ever did.
Good luck. 💐

I think you would benefit from going back to Women's Aid. They could really help you with financial advice & advice on how to leave safely. They provide counselling too which can help you to see things more clearly ie that he IS abusive and controlling and you are NOT to blame.

I feel awful my first reply was quite dismissive! This sounds horrendous, OP. You are being abused. Do you know how much is in the joint account?

What is to stop you packing the car up with DS when he's gone to work, walking into the bank with ID and making a withdrawal and driving far away to a b and b or budget hotel for a couple of weeks whilst you find a place? Sorry if I'm simplifying things, but legally it's your money toom

OP, do you have a passport or a photocard driving licence?

Do you have utility bills (Internet, gas, electricity, council tax) with your name on?

If you can get hold of these they will be useful for sorting out your money and your freedom.

@Hankunamatata

Why wouldn't you qualify for refuge if you partner is being financially abusive?

You might technically qualify, but since there are women and children fleeing serious physical violence who can't get into the underfunded and rapidly closing refuges, its highly unlikely.