To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

[Hop27]

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

YANBU what reasons has he given? Is this a definite no or is it a no at the moment? Just checking as at times l have had enough of IVF
Hopefully the why don’t you adopt crew don’t arrive straight away

What are his reasons? Financial, mental strain? It seems like he’s made quite a blunt decision and taken your hope away. I’d be upset as well

You can and will get through this.
Your IVF provider should be able to direct you to counselling. I would strongly recommend doing it, separately and if then advised, as a couple.

@RedHelenB l don’t think that helpful, as you don’t know the fertility issues the poster and her husband might be experiencing

@RedHelenB I'm pretty sure the OP has explored naturally falling pregnant before she decided to embark on 4 rounds of IVF. Not helpful!

I feel for both of you. From your DH’s point of view it’s a hard thing to watch your partner going through. How long were you going to try for? Was the 5th round going to be your last one?

Gee I’m sorry.

What’s changed for him?

Four rounds of IVF will have been fairly brutal on both of you, physically on you and mentally on both of you. Having seen friends go through it I can understand why someone might not want a fifth, especially when the reality is that if four rounds have failed the fifth is pretty much guaranteed to fail as well. It is just more money down the drain, more physical strain on your body and huge amounts of emotional strain on you both.

You might also find that it has changed your relationship, he might not like where the relationship is at the moment, the huge focus on getting pregnant, rather than life as a couple. You want children, he wants children, but sometimes you also have to accept that enough is enough and accept that something is not going to happen and no amount of ignoring the elephant in the room makes the ignoring it any more comfortable.

I am so sorry. We were unable to have children and it is very tough, but we have made a fantastic life for ourselves and although it feels like the end of the world, it does not have to be.

I think your husband has been very brave to say he does not want to try again, rather than just go along with it. I feel for you both.

There is no right or wrong answer here.

IVF is a long, expensive and brutal process with a low success rate. And unfortunately there has to come a point where someone says enough is enough, because continuing indefinitely sadly just isn’t sustainable.

I would speak to your IVF provider to see if you can access some counselling to help you come to terms with things.

@HaveEyeRuinedTheCurry exactly. Some people seem to think IVF is a short cut for the impatient . When in reality it’s often after already trying for years and might not even work anyway

Hop27, like you I had multiple rounds of IVF, all unsuccessful, I was not able to continue either financially or mentally. I was devastated. I did look into adoption, and fostering, and decided neither were for me (for reasons I won't give here). So I remained childless.
It's hurtful to not be a parent when that's really what I always wanted to be, it was hurtful at the time, it still is, and I'm sure always will be. I don't think it will ever "get over" it, but I have reached an acceptance of it - and that really has just happened as time has passed and I've got older. I made myself carry on with everything else in my life - work, friends, holidays, I tried different hobbies.
I'll be honest and say I did have to distance from some friends as they were parenting young children and I found that too difficult to be around, but then I made other friends with a different focus on life.
Your life might not be what you expected but you can still enjoy it in other ways.
I also got a dog, who in no way replaces a child, but does fulfil my need to love, care and fuss over a living being.

I'm so sorry, op. I've been through ICSI, I know how hard it is and facing the possibility of never having children.

May I ask what has changed for your husband?

We stopped after four too.
It's awful , like a bereavement in a way for the life you hoped to have.
All I can tell you is there were some dark times but you won't feel like this forever .
Use whatever resources you have to access counselling . We didn't and looking back I was in a mind space where I thought nothing would help but it does help , it helps for lots of people .
I won't tell you to go on luxurious holidays , infertility and disposable cash don't go hand in hand , especially after private treatment .
I'd just say value your marriage and be there for each other.
This won't be important to you now but as you get older that broodiness does ease. You'll find joy in life again I promise .

Sadly, the grief of being childless when you hadn't planned to be is something that many people have to face. I hope you find peace.

Going into our last round of IVF we had decided that it would be our last, the fresh transfer ended in a MMC - we have our last FET left from that round still to go. I'm going into this FET round with an attitude of not expecting it to work.

I think my DH definitely reached the point of wanting to end sooner than I did. Factors like age (mine) and money which high on his list of reasons to stop.

I think unfortunately going into IVF you have to keep yourself positive, but very few talk about IVF that still ended childless, and I think that's the reality for a lot of people.

For me, it's definitely helped to think of what I'd want out of my life that's not child related.

If you don't mind may I ask if there was a reason for the infertility?

I went down the IVF route after many years and investigations. Was told it would never happen naturally due to my ex DH problem. Then it happened 3 times naturally and twice to term.

I did look into surrogacy and donor eggs as well as adoption. Infertility is a truly awful path to have walk. You have my sympathies

I'm so sorry OP.

Some of the things I would consider before trying to negotiate further treatment with your husband.

1. Your diagnosis and prognosis
2. Are you issues with implantation or with creating embryos?
3. Have you changed fertility doctors and/or clinics?
4. Are you changing the approach each time?
5. Have you had to pay for all of the cycles yourself?
6. What's your financial situation? Are you putting yourselves into serious debt?
7. How is your relationship? Would it survive more treatment or stopping treatment?
8. How is your mental health? Do you need more support there?

Perhaps your husband would consider one last shot at a new clinic or with a different protocol. Perhaps he needs a break before considering further treatment. Perhaps he really doesn't want to pursue further treatment. You need to have an open discussion and be willing to really hear how he feels.

IVF is such a gruelling process for both partners. I hope you can both find your way through this very hard time.

Sorry OP. It's shit.

Why has he decided no more, he must have given a reason? You deserve at the very least to have this explained to you and have an actual discussion about it.

IVF can be very stressful and put a lot of strain on relationships. We didn't actually have it in the end but even the initial starting process was enough for me and DH to have some pretty frank discussions.

I second counselling. Please do try it. And do it alone, not with DH. There were so many things I wanted to get off my chest that probably would have been hurtful and I may not have said if he was there. Couples counselling may be beneficial at a point but I think this can also be a very personal grief which you could do with have private space to navigate with a counsellor.

When you embark on ivf there's lots of potential and difficult outcomes that aren't made explicitly clear at the time (for obvious reasons) - one of these is that you will, after X number unsuccessful rounds, need to make the decision to stop.

It's really hard and something you should ideally both be agreeing as a couple. I understand how it feels to have that decision effectively made for you - does your dh say why he has?

I donated eggs to a lady who'd had 9 rounds with her own and husbands sperm, they used a donor for both and i believe it worked, i was aksed to donate again and didnt but i figured the only possible reason could be because it was sucessful.

Maybe he just needs a break and would be willing to try again in a few months?

Sorry you're going through this

Sorry OP I really feel for you. My mum's best friend's daughter and her husband had many rounds of IVF and were never successful. They have built a happy and fulfilling life just the two of them but I know the pain doesn't disappear. People only tend to talk about IVF when it has worked but in fact there are many that it never works for. I have been told there are lots of good supportive Instagram accounts for the people who are childless not by choice, are you on there? Also, you are grieving, grieving the life you wanted. Don't be afraid to call it that and to allow yourself to respond accordingly. I agree counselling is a good idea.

I’m so sorry OP. As PP have said IVF is physically & mentally brutal. I’m childless & I promise you can build a good life without children, it might be different to what you had originally planned but no less good for that.

Give yourself & your DH some time to process it all before making any firm decisions about the future