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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

198 replies

Hop27 · 02/09/2021 10:04

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

OP posts:
SweatyBetty20 · 02/09/2021 11:12

It doesn't go away, but it does get easier. What worked for me:

  • grieving, and then putting it away in a box in my head. It's still there but I don't open it much
  • making friends with childless and childfree people - there are so many women in my life who don't have kids and they have added so much value
  • doing a bucket list of things to do that I would not have been able to do had I had children
  • being a good auntie and godmother
  • the menopause - it's shit to go through but it does admittedly dampen down those biological clock hormones.

My friend's marriage broke down due to the pressure of IVF and infertility and it was heartbreaking. Please take the time to care and heal yourself and each other.

TeenMinusTests · 02/09/2021 11:15

Flowers Deciding to stop IVF is a massive decision, but it is an emotional rollercoaster for both parties.
You'll need a good break to grieve and regroup and think what a life without your own birth child might look like.
A year after we stopped IVF we started looking at adoption. It isn't for everyone but it can be another route to parenthood.

Tigger85 · 02/09/2021 11:20

I'm so sorry you are going through this, has he given you a reason why? Could you possibly pursue it alone with doner sperm? X

saladcreamandegg · 02/09/2021 11:23

It's hard OP. We're childless after many years TTC, miscarriages and fertility treatment. In our case it was me who said no more. I emotionally couldn't do it again. My DH struggled to come to terms with it but at the end of the day he loves me and understands why I made that decision. I had the conversation 'if you love them let them go' told him I completely understood if he felt that he wanted to go meet someone who could give him children... he stuck with me and we're solid.
You will go through a grieving process... you grieve for the children you assumed you'd have, and the grandchildren, and that whole life. But you do come through it and find things that you enjoy and you get on with life.
Good luck OP x

Viviennemary · 02/09/2021 11:24

I would leave it a few months. I think in your circumstances I would consider doner sperm but it might not be the road you want to go down.

peboh · 02/09/2021 11:29

I'm sorry for what you're going through Thanks
Yanbu, but neither is your husband. As others have said one of the things people don't really talk about when it comes to IVF is the point at which you choose to stop if it doesn't seem to be happening and unfortunately it seems you and your dh are on different pages about that right now. You need to have a long sit down conversation with him and discuss what happens next. The mental drain must be awful on both of you.

JeVoudrais · 02/09/2021 11:29

YANBU.

Infertility itself is a mindfuck and IVF is another one. When we were referred I got all panicky and wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. Desperate for a child but the thought of IVF just really scared me. I was really shocked at how it made me feel to be honest.

You always, always hear about women who have successful IVF, or as soon as they stopped trying hey presto they fell pregnant naturally and had triplets. Great for them. Useless and demonstrating they have the emotional intelligence of an amoeba to share that with people staring at the possibility of a childless life when it is not what they want.

I've not been in your precise shoes, but from how I felt with IVF, it might take some time to be definitely sure that he is done with it and not just stuck in a pit of despair at the moment. I would absolutely feel like you do I think. It must feel like the rug has been pulled xx

Coldilox · 02/09/2021 11:30

I’m sorry OP. IVF is brutal on both partners. We were very lucky that it worked, but I couldn’t go through it again. I can understand why someone might say no more after 4 rounds, for him it may feel easier to accept being childless than to face that hope and disappointment again.

I agree with others, look at some counselling so you can both explore your feelings, and then go from there.

imperialqueen · 02/09/2021 11:36

Hop27 i couldn't read your post and not comment. So sorry you are going through this. I remember the 12 years we lived through infertility. You definitely go through the grieving process. I hope you find some inner peace and counselling definitely helped us. My husband couldn't accept how I felt and counselling really made a difference.

Piglet89 · 02/09/2021 11:39

I’m so sorry OP.

Jodie Day and her organisation Gateway Women does excellent work in bringing together those who are childless not by choice.

gateway-women.com/

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 11:41

I'm so sorry, op.
Flowers

3luckystars · 02/09/2021 11:41

I’m really sorry, this is a lot to be dealing with. Could you take a break for a while and then discuss it again in a few months. It’s so hard on you both. Wishing you all the best.

Thefaceofboe · 02/09/2021 11:42

is there definitely no way you can get pregnant naturally? It can happen, although it's rare, so it needn't necessarily the end

Comments like this was so fucking irritating, I’m sure she explored her options before having 4 rounds of IVF Hmm

OP, I’m so sorry that must be really hard. We tried for over 2 years (I know not long in the grand scheme of things) and managed to get pregnant naturally but I started to think I’d never have a baby, which sent me into such a dark place. Don’t really have much advice but hopefully your husband just needs a break and if you do try again, I wish you the best of luck Flowers

Lottapianos · 02/09/2021 11:48

'Your life might not be what you expected but you can still enjoy it in other ways.'

Agree with this 100%

OP, you're in the depths of grief, and you have every right to be. You need to stay there right now and feel what you're feeling. This will pass, it will, and you will get through it. I'm so very sorry for your loss - the loss of the future you had planned and hoped for. You both must be utterly exhausted and worn down by what you've been through. You will both need time and space to heal. The suggestion of counselling by yourself is a really good one, also the recommendation of the Gateway Women online community - both for when you feel the time is right

Spyro1234 · 02/09/2021 11:53

Don't give up hope, my friend conceived on the 5th round

Folklore9074 · 02/09/2021 11:54

As a fellow IVF sister I didn't want to read and run. I would strongly suggest seeking out counselling if you've not already. There is a lot of trauma in the process and it might help to have some space to think everything through (wish I'd done this myself when it was offered by my clinic). There is no right or wrong here, its just about finding your way through this. Yes, some people do 5, 6, 7, 8 rounds but not everyone can or wants to. Trying a new clinic and exploring the exact reasons why its not worked so far is useful too before deciding next steps. Whatever you and your partner ultimately decide wishing you all the best. Flowers

Also full on permission from me to give anyone who suggests trying naturally, it might happen or 'just relaxing' a shitty look! FFS. Also think the last episode of the BFN podcast had something on living with childlessness if it is helpful to develop any of your thinking in that area.

Spyro1234 · 02/09/2021 11:55

I.am so sorry for your situation :( other people here have offered good advice

shouldistop · 02/09/2021 11:56

I'm so sorry op Thanks

TableFlowerss · 02/09/2021 11:58

@Willyoujustbequiet

If you don't mind may I ask if there was a reason for the infertility?

I went down the IVF route after many years and investigations. Was told it would never happen naturally due to my ex DH problem. Then it happened 3 times naturally and twice to term.

I did look into surrogacy and donor eggs as well as adoption. Infertility is a truly awful path to have walk. You have my sympathies Flowers

This happened to my friend. She was about to start IVF then low and behold she fell pregnant.

I think the stress of it could have an impact.

Sorry to hear this OP. X

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 11:59

@Spyro1234

Don't give up hope, my friend conceived on the 5th round
The OP might not. There comes a point when the Don’t give up hope” message is really unhelpful. Unrealistic hope can be an obstacle to acceptance and moving on. I had loads telling me about their auntie who got pregnant naturally at 48 thinking she was menopausal. It helped not a jot.
LittleBiscuit09 · 02/09/2021 11:59

I'm sorry op! Thanks

It's sucks! It'll take a while to accept it, I'm afraid. It's grieving but in the worse way, for a what if. Be kind to yourself and your body.

Original poster
Hop27 · 02/09/2021 11:59

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 02/09/2021 12:01

'There comes a point when the Don’t give up hope” message is really unhelpful'

This is so true. It takes a brave person to say 'enough' and decide they can't go through any more. I do appreciate that OP is currently struggling with her partner making that decision, but deciding to draw a line can absolutely be a healthy and important step to take

Vanishun · 02/09/2021 12:02

Sorry OP Thanks

Nothing will help with the grief right now I know. But I can echo the stories of others here - there was a point I was exactly in your place. Several years on I am perhaps a different person (and definitely not the naive optimistic one I used to be), but generally I have a a joyful and happy life without children.

Take care of yourself right now. Don't push yourself to try to snap back to normal either.

BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 12:04

@RedHelenB and @Spyro1234 are doing a cracking job of checking off the boxes on infertility bingo and giving the rest of us a masterclass on how to behave like an insensitive numbskull with the empathy of an amoeba (great phrase, PP!).

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, it’s hard enough that you’ve had so many unsuccessful rounds without feeling like you’re being forced to stop before you’re ready. You deserve all of the support in the world while you try and come to terms with this huge loss. Thinking of you.