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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

198 replies

Hop27 · 02/09/2021 10:04

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

OP posts:
brownbreadicecream · 02/09/2021 16:06

[quote IceandIndigo]@brownbreadicecream from what I understand a lot of the embryos at the clinic I mentioned that are being offered for adoption are from donor cycles - so healthy people donating eggs and/or sperm to help infertile couples. Some may be surplus embryos from people who have already had success with IVF. In the UK surplus embryos are normally either destroyed or donated to scientific research, when I did IVF the option of donating to other couples was barely mentioned. I think the situation in Spain is different because it's a majority Catholic country and many people don't want embryos to be destroyed.[/quote]
Ah thanks. Yes this is another of the potential unanticipated outcomes I was talking about - what happens to 'extra' embryos. But don't want to derail OP's thread.

It's so tough in the middle of it all. And taking a break will probably help you both collect your thoughts, but taking a break with this sort of thing can cause additional anxiety!

Twizbe · 02/09/2021 16:12

@brownbreadicecream

Yes twizbe i understand that, having been in that position. But the reason we were having ivf was because we had fertility issues. So not the scenario I was asking about.
My friends have donated their embryos for adoption. They were doing IVF after 2 ectopic pregnancies left her with no tubes. Their embryos are healthy and useable but they only wanted 2 children.
CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 16:35

However, whether or not the OP eventually decides to look into adoption, she needs first to come to terms with stopping IVF and not having her own birth child.

This. Trouble is everyone seems to know someone who got pregnant after adopting.

Blankspace4 · 02/09/2021 16:41

I feel your pain, OP. We have had 3 unsuccessful rounds and almost a decade in total of painful infertility, investigations, heartbreak, barrages of pregnancy announcements, baby showers and christenings. It hurts, I get it.

Thankfully we both agreed we wouldn’t do a 4th round and we are now trying to make peace with being childless. I agree with prior posters who have likened it to grief….but the acute phase does pass and then it’s just a dull persistent ache and a feeling of not belonging. That said, I find having a full and busy life helps, throwing myself into my career, and enjoying holidays that are generally not possible for those with children.

LizzieW1969 · 02/09/2021 17:03

However, whether or not the OP eventually decides to look into adoption, she needs first to come to terms with stopping IVF and not having her own birth child.
Adoption needs to be an active choice, not a consolation prize, but if the OP can't as she stated 'accept she's going to be childless', then at some point in the future it may be something she wishes to explore.

^ This definitely. My DH and I did adopt our DDs (now 12 and 9), after going through infertility and IVF. But when we first explored the idea of adoption, we were advised to go away and take our time to come to terms with the infertility first. I was expected to have counselling, which I did and which was very helpful.

The adoption process is brutal, and you really need to be fully committed to it rather than seeing it as a consolation prize. It isn’t something to be suggested glibly on an AIBU thread, though all too often that is what posters do. I know they mean well; my DM did when she kept suggesting it from very early on. (She never had any problems getting pregnant so she really didn’t have a clue.)

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 02/09/2021 17:12

Bingo card full:

  • think positive
  • when you stop trying you get pregnant
  • miracle story of pregnancy against the odds
  • have you thought of trying naturally
  • just adopt

That shit still makes me furious all these years later. I wish people would fuck off with that nonsense.

Flowers to the OP and to all the posters going through this, or who've had to make difficult decisions.

Mrsmadevans · 02/09/2021 17:23

I can remember the despair l felt after 2 miscarriages and 13 years of infertility. It nearly drove me to kill myself, l was a wreck. I could never have given up though. I just knew l couldn't . We started to look into fostering & adopting children and had started the process , we had already had a few interviews , when l found out l was pregnant with my Dd 1 . l knew that l had to have children in my life no matter what , even if they weren't my own . So l don't think , if you felt like l did that you should give up yet, l know that l would not have given up until the very very end . Although l am sure you could be happy & Fulfilled without having children. Good luck to you OP whatever you decide Flowers

EL8888 · 02/09/2021 17:24

@mam0918 l feel exactly the same about being biological clean-up for irresponsible fertile people. Why is it my job?! People with children always suggest this and go on about how lovely it is to adopt but don’t actually do or want to

christyt114 · 02/09/2021 17:41

@MojoMoon

You can and will get through this. Your IVF provider should be able to direct you to counselling. I would strongly recommend doing it, separately and if then advised, as a couple.
I agree with this. We had frozen embryos due to be destroyed as they'd been stored so long. and I just didn't feel strong enough to do another round. But DH didn't want them destroyed.

So I had counselling. It gave me a new perspective and the strength to carry on.

And I'm now the proud mum of a lovely girl.

UpshittsCreek · 02/09/2021 17:56

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.
I know what you mean when you say you want to give your DH a happy family but please know, you are already a family. Media/culture would led us to believe children make a family but that's not true,the two of you are just as valid as a family with children. It may not be how you want it to be but you are no less of a family. Please continue with your counselling and I hope that it helps you manage the grief you are experiencing. It is a grief, a loss which you need support with. I'm so sorry, its an incredibly shit situation that no words can fix.
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 02/09/2021 18:05

[quote EL8888]@mam0918 l feel exactly the same about being biological clean-up for irresponsible fertile people. Why is it my job?! People with children always suggest this and go on about how lovely it is to adopt but don’t actually do or want to[/quote]
This with bells on.

Fertile people who couldn't possibly adopt because 'reasons' don't get to lecture infertile people about adoption.

I looked into adoption and realised I simply wasn't up to the job. I have the utmost respect and admiration for anyone who chooses to adopt.

Zelvinka · 02/09/2021 18:33

@Hop27 so sorry to hear this
.
Facing the future childless when you'd had different hopes is very hard.
There's a sort of grieving process you go through and I've found that although I'm starting to come to terms with being childless there are times it hits me in the guts still...
I haven't had counselling, I will try it when I'm ready.

I hope you can begin to see your way to a future without children as I have managed to some of the time now... but I totally get how difficult that is & I I don't feel very positive about it today for example.

So I think it's important to keep busy & feel needed. So I've adopted a challenging rescue cat... just one, I'm not the mad cat lady.
Pets are NoT replacement children obviously but to that cat or dog you are their little world.

I hate the cliches of when people say just adopt, foster, or work with children. Like, do they have ANY idea??

Zelvinka · 02/09/2021 18:40

Also I agree with a pp regarding friends... I'm finding it difficult to be around friends with husbands & children, but trying to find single childless friends is hard.
A mixture of both is ideal.

Ozanj · 02/09/2021 18:48

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.
How old are you? Would you consider donor eggs / sperm? Could you afford to keep going indefinitely? Have you done all the tests you need to do to see if there’s a problem (ie the chicago tests / thyroid tests etc)? I think you and your DH need to write everything down and talk about this together. Perhaps spending a few months getting the tests you need, going on holiday, and just taking a break might be the ivf break you guys need to set yourselves up for another cycle?

It took me 6 transfers and dropping 3k on investigative tests to get my DS. DH and I had already discussed our plans & that we would be happy to use donor eggs (problem’s with me) if I didn’t get pregnant by a certain age. In fact we still may go down this option as we’re about to embark ttc for no 2.

Angliski · 02/09/2021 18:50

@brownbreadicecream you take an egg from a chosen donor and a sperm sample from a chosen donor, you mix them up. You get an embryo for a same sex couple or a single woman needing an egg donor or a Hetero couple with fertility issues. Once that family is complete, some embryos may be left over.

Hence adoption Smile

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 02/09/2021 18:56

@HeartsAndClubs

There is no right or wrong answer here.

IVF is a long, expensive and brutal process with a low success rate. And unfortunately there has to come a point where someone says enough is enough, because continuing indefinitely sadly just isn’t sustainable.

I would speak to your IVF provider to see if you can access some counselling to help you come to terms with things. Flowers

Yes. You could be successful on the 5th but what happens if that isn't -do you draw the line then. Are there any other options that could be explored?

My friend battled with trying, referrals, tests, fertility treatment then two rounds of IVF. They had enough money for 10 rounds. On the second she got pregnant and m/c she couldn't do a third round as emotionally she had drawn a line-Her husband would have gone again and again and again -she couldn't. 10 years on she is still sad but he still respects her decision. Such a huge and complex issue -counselling would be a good call.

oldshoeuk · 03/09/2021 13:22

My personal history is one abortion, two miscarriages and two children. I can only offer advice based on my experience and so..

Once you have made a final decision to go childless I would grieve as if I had lost a child. No one should belittle or underestimate your pain which is very real. A funeral might seem a little extreme but I would hold a ceremony of some sort. I would mourn and mark the loss. That's what I would do and I know it would help me, others will have other opinions.

grey12 · 03/09/2021 16:02

@oldshoeuk

My personal history is one abortion, two miscarriages and two children. I can only offer advice based on my experience and so..

Once you have made a final decision to go childless I would grieve as if I had lost a child. No one should belittle or underestimate your pain which is very real. A funeral might seem a little extreme but I would hold a ceremony of some sort. I would mourn and mark the loss. That's what I would do and I know it would help me, others will have other opinions.

That seems like a nice advice. I remember there was an episode of "desperate housewives" where one of them miscarried (????) and had a small ceremonial moment where she spoke to and then let go of a helium filled balloon. I hardly watched the series but I still remember that scene
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/09/2021 16:33

i have known of three-adoptions in my neighbourhood that have been very successful. One to a family with infertility, one with siblings from the same mum and the last one a couple who specifically wanted to adopt. It's not the easy option and it sounds like at the moment you are too fragile to even embark on other options. Definitely sound like you need a pause for a while to give you and dh space to discuss your feelings.

2kl4skl · 04/09/2021 10:14

1 - I always hated the automatic assumption that infertile people are just here to be biological clean-up for irresponsible fertile people. Thats not my job, I specifically want MY children not someone elses.

I totally get why infertile people don't like adoption being suggested all the time, but adoption isn't you doing the bio parents a favour. You're doing the kids a favour and accepting those kids as your own

CounsellorTroi · 04/09/2021 10:51

It’s also the assumption that infertile people are automatically the best people to adopt. Just because you’d make a good biological parent it does not follow that you’d make a good adoptive one, and vice versa.

MissyMooKins · 04/09/2021 10:54

That's shit op. So sorry. Life is so unfair.

Vanishun · 04/09/2021 12:06

@2kl4skl

1 - I always hated the automatic assumption that infertile people are just here to be biological clean-up for irresponsible fertile people. Thats not my job, I specifically want MY children not someone elses.

I totally get why infertile people don't like adoption being suggested all the time, but adoption isn't you doing the bio parents a favour. You're doing the kids a favour and accepting those kids as your own

Sure but the emphasis is always on infertile people to adopt. There are no big awareness campaigns along the lines of "thinking of having a baby? Don't be selfish, adopt one instead!"

No one goes on the TTC boards saying "pretty selfish of you lot".

I wish MNHQ had a standard message for threads like these (like they do for trolls and MH threads) saying something like "here's a link to resources and also a reminder to posters not to bloody say these bingo phrases...."

2kl4skl · 04/09/2021 12:59

*Sure but the emphasis is always on infertile people to adopt. There are no big awareness campaigns along the lines of "thinking of having a baby? Don't be selfish, adopt one instead!"

No one goes on the TTC boards saying "pretty selfish of you lot".

I wish MNHQ had a standard message for threads like these (like they do for trolls and MH threads) saying something like "here's a link to resources and also a reminder to posters not to bloody say these bingo phrases...."*

I get all this, it was more in response to not wanting to care for kids from irresponsible fertile people. Adoption isn't for their benefit. That's my only point. It's not the kids fault they're in that position, and they shouldn't be seen as an inconvenience, or 'playing somebody else's saved game' or anything like that

Nobody should be called selfish for not doing it, just critiquing the phrasing. Adopted children are their adoptive parents children

MauveMavis · 04/09/2021 13:12

Sympathies.

There is happy life without children but grieving for the life you imagined and wanted is very very painful.

Persist with your counselling and I hope that you will reach a point of acceptance.

I wanted children. It wasn't to be so now I revel in being a cool Auntie and thank my friends' for giving me the chance to do this.