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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

198 replies

Hop27 · 02/09/2021 10:04

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

OP posts:
Gensola · 02/09/2021 13:23

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am on cycle 2 of IVF and I know how heartbreaking it is. We are facing childlessness too as we can't afford to keep paying for more and more rounds.
I have no answers but I wanted to say you are not alone Sad Flowers

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 13:25

Success, not sec.

lovemelongtime · 02/09/2021 13:29

I really dont want to be insensitive but there are so many children that would love to be adopted or fostered into a loving home, could this be considered as an alternative. I do appreciate the difference.

saladcreamandegg · 02/09/2021 13:33

@lovemelongtime have you not read the thread? Saying this to someone going through infertility is one of the most stupid and insensitive things to say. Do you say the same to pregnant people??

Housecar · 02/09/2021 13:38

Have you tried overseas? A friend of mine had no luck with it here, went to Caribbean and it worked first try. Miles cheaper than UK too.

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 13:39

@lovemelongtime

I really dont want to be insensitive but there are so many children that would love to be adopted or fostered into a loving home, could this be considered as an alternative. I do appreciate the difference.
I take it you have adopted, and you know exactly what it involves?
Twizbe · 02/09/2021 13:40

@Housecar

Have you tried overseas? A friend of mine had no luck with it here, went to Caribbean and it worked first try. Miles cheaper than UK too.
IVF is ivf wherever you do it. Other countries don't have some special version that we don't have here
BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 13:43

I know, @Folklore9074 Flowers

LemonFrog · 02/09/2021 13:44

@Folklore9074

Just wanted to add on the 'don't give up hope' thing. Its so unhelpful. With infertility the exact reasons you can't conceive are everything.

For example if the reason you are not conceiving is PCOS or a specific aspect of sperm the outcomes to treatment could be really different from azoospermia, endo or a blood clotting issue.

Hope has to be realistic.

Agree with this. Everyone's infertility journey is different. I understand people mean well but telling people that your friend Sandra conceived naturally when she just chilled out a bit does not fix the genetic condition I have or whatever it is that OP/her husband is going through Hmm

Typical that "have you considered adoption" has already made its way here as well.

LemonFrog · 02/09/2021 13:44

@lovemelongtime

I really dont want to be insensitive but there are so many children that would love to be adopted or fostered into a loving home, could this be considered as an alternative. I do appreciate the difference.
You may not want to be, but you are.
cocktailclub · 02/09/2021 13:47

ThanksThanks

steff13 · 02/09/2021 13:57

@EspressoDoubleShot

Adoption is a process managed by LA. Prospective applicants are screened and assessed for suitability. There is a rigorous selection process. Children placed for adoption have already been through court proceedings to grant the LA a care order. The child has undoubtedly experienced a trauma. The breakdown of adoption is @ twenty percent. Fostering has a higher failure rate. Adoption is not an easy option, and it’s not appropriate for everyone
So, in the UK a pregnant woman doesn't have the option to place her child for adoption? Keeping a baby or having an abortion are the only two options for her? I didn't know that. That surprises me.
Twizbe · 02/09/2021 13:57

OP I hope you're taking care of yourself.

I've had my own infertility journey and it's so hard. We were lucky in the end, but along the way I had made peace with a childless life. That said, it would always have been childless rather than child free.

It sounds like your mental health has really suffered and I wonder if you DH wants to stop so that you can have a break and get that health better.

I really hope you can find peace what ever that looks like. But one thing I do want to say, your worth as a woman is not defined by your ability to have a child. You've so much worth beyond that.

Twizbe · 02/09/2021 13:58

@steff13 a woman can place a child for adoption, but it's not like they get to pick a prospective parent and have an arrangement like in the states.

The child would go into foster care until adopted.

TeenMinusTests · 02/09/2021 14:00

@steff13 So, in the UK a pregnant woman doesn't have the option to place her child for adoption? Keeping a baby or having an abortion are the only two options for her? I didn't know that. That surprises me.

No, babies can be relinquished in the UK, but it is much rarer than eg USA, and a small % of overall adoptions. Private adoptions aren't legal, so the adoption of relinquished babies is still overseen by the LA.

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 14:01

So, in the UK a pregnant woman doesn't have the option to place her child for adoption? Keeping a baby or having an abortion are the only two options for her? I didn't know that. That surprises me.

She has the option, but in reality very very few women choose it.

Englishgirl9 · 02/09/2021 14:01

My friend did 8 rounds and then used donor egg for her 9th and had a 'scratch?' thing done beforehand. Now has a baby boy and another on the way.

Have you discussed other options? It's obviously very straining on your physically, mentally, financially. Was there a stopping point you had discussed, or are there other avenues to explore?

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 14:04

@lovemelongtime

I really dont want to be insensitive but there are so many children that would love to be adopted or fostered into a loving home, could this be considered as an alternative. I do appreciate the difference.
I don't believe this after what has been said on this thread.

The op has also stated that adoption is not for her. If it was, she would have said so, and it doesn't mean she cares nothing for children who need a loving home.

Do you have/want children or are you adopted?

Vanishun · 02/09/2021 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 14:10

Some people have a very simplistic view of this. They see people who can’t have children, and children in the care system, and think that all that needs to be done is to put the two together and ta-da, problem solved and everyone happy. But in reality they are two different issues, one is not always the answer to the other.

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 14:12

@CounsellorTroi

So, in the UK a pregnant woman doesn't have the option to place her child for adoption? Keeping a baby or having an abortion are the only two options for her? I didn't know that. That surprises me.

She has the option, but in reality very very few women choose it.

I agree. There is great stigma against women/girls who give their children up for adoption. In the old days it was often done and accepted, also kept quiet. Girls went away for a while and came home afterwards. Now everybody would know if a girl was pregnant and wonder why or 'how' she could part with her child, and judge her.

When I had my child there was a young woman in another bay who was having her baby adopted. I don't know how but everybody knew, there was obviously a breach of confidentiality, but they did and were saying nasty things about her. She was 21 (they even knew that!). It was horrible. That was in 1979, I dread to think what it's like now. I was so glad not to be in there long with all those judgemental people.

I am adopted btw so I do know something about it from the other side.

Vanishun · 02/09/2021 14:16

Indeed. We also know a lot more about attachment disorders these days, and there's more emphasis on keeping babies with their mums.

It wasn't ideal in the old days that it was all sometimes just brushed under the rug, and it's tragic how many women didn't all had a choice about it. Even if that was probably "easier" for people with infertility in some ways.

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 02/09/2021 14:19

I'm so sorry OP. 💐

For various reasons XH and I didn't go through IVF.

I am single and childless. My life is good, and I have lots of friends around me. I'm ten years on now and rarely wonder what my life would be like if we had been parents.

Please look after yourself and get whatever help you need. ❤️

EL8888 · 02/09/2021 14:20

@lovemelongtime oh but you are. On page 1 l predicted someone with your idiotic mindset and question would come along!

IceandIndigo · 02/09/2021 14:20

IVF is physically and emotionally gruelling, and once you start it can feel like a bit of a treadmill. There is a lot of pressure to keep going until you succeed. It can be difficult once you're in the middle of it but I think it's important to take a step back every now and then and be honest about your chances of success and whether you have the resources (emotional, physical, financial, time) to continue.

I just want to mention, because it's something that seems not to be widely known about, that there are some European clinics that offer embryo adoption of surplus IVF embryos. Institut Marques in Spain is one that I have heard about, and I think they have a branch in Ireland too. I was very fortunate to get pregnant on my third IVF cycle but if not I was seriously considering this option. I don't know what your reasons are for needing IVF OP, but if you're older or have issues with egg quality your chances might be quite dramatically higher with a donor embryo, which are usually from young people with no fertility issues.

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