To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

[Hop27]

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

@CounsellorTroi Absolutely!

I had the 'consider adoption' conversation with several very well meaning people when I was going through IVF. I'd even thought myself early on that it was an option and then began to explore it and realised that as a couple it probably wasn't going to be the right thing for either us and importantly the potentially adoptive children.

People's general view of adoption is outdated by about 50 years - they expect there are all these babies just waiting to be adopted and the reality is so much more complex.

I am sorry to hear about your fertility problems- each persons is their own of course. We didn't have problems conceiving but I miscarried them all. When attending a recurring miscarriage clinic the consultant told me the issue was my egg quality and that they could try and support any further pregnancies but it was unlikely that I would ever have a successful one.

I remember being devastated but that was the turning point for us. Knowing my eggs were never going to be up to scratch we decided to go down the donor.egg route which was successful for us twice. If it hadn't worked we were considering adoption. There may be other ways for you? Do you know what the issue is?

Wishing you all the best on your journey wherever it takes you.

Plumtree The op has also stated that adoption is not for her.

Actually no, she hasn't.

However, whether or not the OP eventually decides to look into adoption, she needs first to come to terms with stopping IVF and not having her own birth child.
Adoption needs to be an active choice, not a consolation prize, but if the OP can't as she stated 'accept she's going to be childless', then at some point in the future it may be something she wishes to explore.

@steff13 I did not address all the permutations, adoption is undertaken through courts. A mother may request adoption, and there will be an assessment and social reports. It is rare but it happens. The vast majority of adoptions are through local authority and some via adoption agencies. All adoptions go through court

Prior to an adoption there will be exploration of the familial network to explore is there an appropriate family member able to adopt

@CFEC I don't want to do that but being around children all the time, and not being able to do stuff at weekends like go out for drinks in the evening will just add to my sadness. I need people around me that are childless if I'm going to have to be childless.

Want to start a club? I'm finding this part hard as living in a rural area most people meet and make friends through school/kids. Existing friends all of kids and nights out are not there anymore.
But it does mean I've joined things, tried new things and enjoyed the things I can control.

From my pov and I'm still in the middle of accepting this - sometimes I can see the positives, and thne sometimes randomly the grief hits.

It sounds like you and your husband love each other a lot. I’m sure you could have a very happy life without children, it will just be completely different from what you expected. Maybe you could do volunteer work with children (sick or in need) regularly to put the love you have inside you to use.

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.

Oh you poor thing, Hop. How dreadful to be in such a place that you want to end your life. I sincerely hope you don't feel like that again regardless of what happens.

Your husband and you can be a family, just the two of you, if there is enough love between you. However of course I wish you every success. Please do take care of yourself in all ways - I'm sure your husband would rather have you around than not.

Don't be defined by childlessness; my mother did that. She and my dad were married going on nineteen years when they adopted me but I did not adequately fill the gap once I got past the baby stage. During all those years she had done nothing at all with her life and they rarely mixed with anybody outside of the family. You are more than that!

(I'm sorry I said previously that you had stated adoption was not for you,; you didn't say that, I must have been thinking of someone else. This subject has been on my mind for a couple of days after an old friend confided something to me and we went on to talk about my adoption.)

@sillysmiles, yes, I'm rural too so definitely feel your pain. DH said the other day that we might have to 'branch out' and find other childless couples to be friends with...I was like, how? It's really not easy! And to be fair, I don't care if people have children, parent's of older children who have grown up and flown the nest etc are fine, it's just those with really young children that are a bit problematic as they're still all consumed by and needed by them and that can be hard to be around. Plus, I've never been overly keen on other people's children/ overly maternal but always knew I'd love my own so if I can't have children, I don't want to be constantly hanging around with others' children and having to go to soft play and child friendly everything, having conversation constantly interrupted etc. That's just all of the irritations with none of the benefit really.

Right now it’s raw
And you are understandably greiving
And it’s a grief , no doubt about it

And you should treat yourself very kindly and gently as you navigate this
And be with people that understand and acknowledge it
And feel free to avoid anyone that makes you feel worse

For what it’s worth I think there is hope you can get through this , and find meaning and even be happy again

But not immediately and my heart ❤️ goes out to you OP

sick or in need children do not necessarily need people turning up to try out out the love they have
By the very nature of being sick or in need you have your own complex needs and autonomy,. The sick and needy are not there to validate other people and make them feel better or fill a vacuum in someone else life.
You can’t just go about being involved with sick and in need children to fix yourself.
The very nature of social need and or illness renders the child vulnerable. They need supported not made available to big hearted folk

Totally agree
Adoptions not for the faint hearted
I’m struggling with mine with their own issues
No one should push adoption into people
Boils my piss

OP, does your husband already have children?

I’m so sorry OP it’s terribly hard. We went through 3 failed ivfs before moving on to donor eggs. I now have a ds. Pm if you’d like to talk.

I'm sorry you are facing this, I have never been through a failed IVF cycle but I did go through 9 years of infertility, and it's the hardest thing to face mentally and emotionally.

You don't say anything about your diagnosis or your age so Im not going to fill you with 'it'll happen when you stop trying' because I hated it when people said that after my mmc but I hope you do find a way to realise your dream.

@IceandIndigo

IVF is physically and emotionally gruelling, and once you start it can feel like a bit of a treadmill. There is a lot of pressure to keep going until you succeed. It can be difficult once you're in the middle of it but I think it's important to take a step back every now and then and be honest about your chances of success and whether you have the resources (emotional, physical, financial, time) to continue.

I just want to mention, because it's something that seems not to be widely known about, that there are some European clinics that offer embryo adoption of surplus IVF embryos. Institut Marques in Spain is one that I have heard about, and I think they have a branch in Ireland too. I was very fortunate to get pregnant on my third IVF cycle but if not I was seriously considering this option. I don't know what your reasons are for needing IVF OP, but if you're older or have issues with egg quality your chances might be quite dramatically higher with a donor embryo, which are usually from young people with no fertility issues.

We are currently undergoing treatment with Institut Marques in Barcelona, egg donor with DH’s sperm, it has given us much more of a chance that ‘regular’ IVF would have done due to my age

I am so sorry op.

I am infertile. Premature ovarian syndrome so no viable eggs for own egg IVF. I ended up going the donor route to have my twins.

Would this be something you and your husband might consider? The sucess rates are much higher and the whole process much less gruelling.

My heart goes out to you. People who have not experienced infertility cannot grasp how utterly devastating it is. It was the lowest point in my life. Sending you love and strength

@IceandIndigo

IVF is physically and emotionally gruelling, and once you start it can feel like a bit of a treadmill. There is a lot of pressure to keep going until you succeed. It can be difficult once you're in the middle of it but I think it's important to take a step back every now and then and be honest about your chances of success and whether you have the resources (emotional, physical, financial, time) to continue.

I just want to mention, because it's something that seems not to be widely known about, that there are some European clinics that offer embryo adoption of surplus IVF embryos. Institut Marques in Spain is one that I have heard about, and I think they have a branch in Ireland too. I was very fortunate to get pregnant on my third IVF cycle but if not I was seriously considering this option. I don't know what your reasons are for needing IVF OP, but if you're older or have issues with egg quality your chances might be quite dramatically higher with a donor embryo, which are usually from young people with no fertility issues.

Sorry if I'm being dim but why would a fertility clinic have the embryos of a couple with no fertility issues? Are they being created specifically to donate?

@brownbreadicecream sometimes when you do IVF you get more embryos created than you need.

Part of the process is deciding what to do with them. You can either store them, destroy them, donate them to science or put them up for adoption (OP it's possible in the UK too)

Yes twizbe i understand that, having been in that position. But the reason we were having ivf was because we had fertility issues. So not the scenario I was asking about.

(Last post wasnt meant to sound snotty! Im on a crap phone)

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Totally agree Adoptions not for the faint hearted I’m struggling with mine with their own issues No one should push adoption into people Boils my piss

This... for 2 reasons:

1 - I always hated the automatic assumption that infertile people are just here to be biological clean-up for irresponsible fertile people. Thats not my job, I specifically want MY children not someone elses. The people that spout on about us being 'selfish' for doing IVF and not adopting pretty much always have 2-5 bio kids of their own and seem in no rush to adopt themselves so why is it expected to be my job to do it.

2 - it's so naive of people who think you can 'just adopt', I haven't seen an orphanage outside of victorian era dramas and people always say there are loads of children... where?

Most children in the system are NOT adoptable, they have families and are often trapped in court battles. I personally would not adopt knowing that child had been TAKEN from someone else who didn't consent... I don't want a stolen child at another mother's expense.

Of children that are given up for adoption + several in the system they often have very complex needs which is a lot to take on, I would love my children no matter what needs they had but I'm not in a position to actively choose to take on extra needs as I already care for 2 sick family members.

There are MASSIVE waiting lists to adopt even in places like aisa now, there isnt a surplus of 'unwanted' children that you can just choose to claim and it baffles me that people think there is.

And then there's the red tape and devastation even if you are on that wait list, people jump through hoops for years only to have children they bonded with take off them, its devastating for them from what I've seen of it.

Adoption is ok in some case but people that judge others for not 'adopting' almost always have zero understanding of adoption its foster carers that are needed and in demand not adoptive parents.

brownbreadicecream - yes embryo adoption can be custom-made embryos from two healthy donors, it's common in many European clinics whereas 'donated excess embryos' are more common in places like America.

It really depends on the countries laws.

Children aren’t stolen and put up for adoption that’s emotive and inflammatory language. Not helpful. Adoptions are certainly emotional and often contended
As I said previously adoption is certainly not for everyone.

@brownbreadicecream from what I understand a lot of the embryos at the clinic I mentioned that are being offered for adoption are from donor cycles - so healthy people donating eggs and/or sperm to help infertile couples. Some may be surplus embryos from people who have already had success with IVF. In the UK surplus embryos are normally either destroyed or donated to scientific research, when I did IVF the option of donating to other couples was barely mentioned. I think the situation in Spain is different because it's a majority Catholic country and many people don't want embryos to be destroyed.

@Thatsjustwhatithink I can’t quote you as you had quoted me, but I stand by what I said. One person doesn’t get to decide that another person is not trying for a baby.

The OP has the option of continuing with donor sperm/eggs if that’s an Avenue that she wants to pursue. If not, that’s also her right. But to completely stop your dreams because someone else says NO doesn’t have to be the final answer. It’s ultimately up to her. He husband has a right to say enough is enough for him, OP has a right to say it’s not that time for her yet.

If they decide together that they’re trying again, or stopping, that’s also fine. It’s stressful and complex, and one person doesn’t get to decide everyone else’s fate