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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

198 replies

Hop27 · 02/09/2021 10:04

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

OP posts:
BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 12:36

Was that aimed at me, @CurbsideProphet? If so I think you’ve misunderstood.

flowerpootle · 02/09/2021 12:37

I've been in your shoes OP and I know it's horrific. You are grieving.

But I'm here to tell you it does get better. I got pg eventually (after a decade of medical intervention) but I also made peace with it not happening (just before it did). It may still happen for you but I know you can be happy either way.

I'd have an honest chat with an NHS consultant and get all your options straight.

But you will be ok whatever the outcome.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/09/2021 12:41

@BabyLeaf not at you - two people upthread suggested adoption.

godmum56 · 02/09/2021 12:41

@StarryStarrySocks

Sadly, the grief of being childless when you hadn't planned to be is something that many people have to face. I hope you find peace. Flowers
^^ this. You may have to bear it. Sorry but that's the awful truth.
twinningatlife · 02/09/2021 12:41

How old is he OP? (And by extension how old are you? Sorry if that's too personal a question just trying to gauge what advice I could give?)

Are your reasons for IVF male factor or a combination of issues?

Where did you get to with your previous 4 rounds - ie did you get good egg numbers and blastocysts and did you get to transfer? Have you tried different clinics or protocols? Just wondering if you could say to him let's do one final round but switch it up totally and try something new? Whether he would go for that or if it's a flat out no?

Ratonastick · 02/09/2021 12:42

You poor darling. It doesn’t feel like it now, but the pain will pass and become manageable as all things do. In the meantime, there is a great charity called Fertility Network UK which supports people through all stages of infertility, including the aftermath of unsuccessful treatment. They are lovely and kind people who can help.

JSL52 · 02/09/2021 12:44

@RedHelenB

Is there definitely no way you can get pregnant naturally? It can happen, although it's rare, so it needn't necessarily the end.
What a stupid insensitive comment
gogohm · 02/09/2021 12:45

@Hop27 is your counsellor trained in these sorts of specific issues? Anyone can be a counsellor so it's essential to check further. A group therapy session with people in similar circumstances can be helpful, only with talking to people who have been in your situation and hearing about their decisions.

I have two sets of friends who had failed ivf. One set embraced child free living and have retired in early 50's to travel the world, something that wouldn't have been possible with a child, it took a long time, 3 years at least to get to where they are in terms of embracing child free, my other friends have adopted a sibling pair who were 5&3 at placement, 6 years on it's not been plain sailing but they are a tight family unit and the kids are achieving well at school, with only the older needing support

Booknooks · 02/09/2021 12:45

But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family

He has you, you are his family, I'm not minimising how you feel as I know it's not the family you envisaged, but whilst important to acknowledge and process your feelings, talk to him about this aspect rather than assume Flowers

Plumtree391 · 02/09/2021 12:46

@CurbsideProphet

Please stop asking if OP has considered adoption. It's so painful when people say this to me.
I can imagine that. I would never suggest that to anybody - I'd have thought only a kid would do that. I am an adopted child, my mum and dad could not have children so I know something about infertility and the sadness involved. Adoption is certainly no easy option for parent or child. Had I been infertile I would not have adopted ( I know it works out well for some).

Friends and colleagues have had problems and dealt with it in different ways. It is a very sensitive subject.

CFEC · 02/09/2021 12:48

OP, my heart breaks for you.

I'm facing fertility issues too and have had a few close friends become pregnant/ have children over the last couple of months. The pain is unbearable and I'm so exhausted trying to be happy for them.

It's looking more and more likely that IVF may be our only chance and I am having to force myself to start thinking about and planning my life without a child should it not work.

I don't know yet 100% what that will look like, but probably putting a lot of love and attention into my marriage, house, pets, hobbies, career and whilst I don't want to end my current friendships and I hope that they survive, I think they may be put mroe on a the back burner for a few years whilst their children grow up a bit and they're free to socialise again. I don't want to do that but being around children all the time, and not being able to do stuff at weekends like go out for drinks in the evening will just add to my sadness. I need people around me that are childless if I'm going to have to be childless.

I wish I had a magic answer for you. I hope, whatever you decide to do next that you can find happiness.

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 12:48

Adoption is a process managed by LA. Prospective applicants are screened and assessed for suitability. There is a rigorous selection process. Children placed for adoption have already been through court proceedings to grant the LA a care order. The child has undoubtedly experienced a trauma. The breakdown of adoption is @ twenty percent. Fostering has a higher failure rate. Adoption is not an easy option, and it’s not appropriate for everyone

CFEC · 02/09/2021 12:52

Also, sorry I meant to add, I'm not sure of the reason for your infertility but if it's at all endometrioses related and you haven't already done so, please book in at a private, good fertility clinic to get full bloods done for EVERYTHING as I have heard of a lot of people with Endo having multiple rounds of failed IVF due to the endo causing them to have embryo attacking antibodies. Until this was rectified, they would never have been able to successfully conceive and many clinics do not pick up on this.

Myhousemyhome · 02/09/2021 12:55

Bless you. Ivf is such a brutal and difficult thing to go through. I can understand why your dh wants to stop. Bigs hugs.

Lottapianos · 02/09/2021 12:56

'The pain is unbearable and I'm so exhausted trying to be happy for them'

CFEC, I hear you. I just decided that I had to go easy on myself on this issue, and that other people were going to have to be the cheerleaders when it came to pregnancy announcements and babies. So much is expected of women - men get to say 'oh lovely, congratulations' and then never mention it again! So apart from basic congratulations, I kept my distance from women who had babies to be honest, and certainly never got involved in baby showers etc. I don't know if you feel that's an option for you but just wanted to say that I get it

Folklore9074 · 02/09/2021 12:57

[quote BabyLeaf]@JesusInTheCabbageVan nobody has yet suggested adoption or said that at least trying is fun, but there’s time yet.[/quote]
People that say at 'least trying is fun' have never ordered their partner to have sex with them for the second day in a row when they have the full on flu. Literally one of the most miserable sexual experiences of our relationship, shortly after we accepted it was proper treatment or nothing.

Derbee · 02/09/2021 13:02

It’s almost impossible to give any helpful advice on these threads, and I’m sorry you are feeling so sad.

I understand your husband having concerns about his age, but I don’t agree that these decisions are made by one person putting their foot down. It’s too much to potentially take from you without a proper discussion.

Presumably, based on clinical needs you have considered the use of donors? A different clinic?

Roselilly36 · 02/09/2021 13:05

@fuzzymoomin

Hop27, like you I had multiple rounds of IVF, all unsuccessful, I was not able to continue either financially or mentally. I was devastated. I did look into adoption, and fostering, and decided neither were for me (for reasons I won't give here). So I remained childless. It's hurtful to not be a parent when that's really what I always wanted to be, it was hurtful at the time, it still is, and I'm sure always will be. I don't think it will ever "get over" it, but I have reached an acceptance of it - and that really has just happened as time has passed and I've got older. I made myself carry on with everything else in my life - work, friends, holidays, I tried different hobbies. I'll be honest and say I did have to distance from some friends as they were parenting young children and I found that too difficult to be around, but then I made other friends with a different focus on life. Your life might not be what you expected but you can still enjoy it in other ways. I also got a dog, who in no way replaces a child, but does fulfil my need to love, care and fuss over a living being.
What a lovely, honest post, Flowers to you and all those going through it.
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 02/09/2021 13:05

Op I'm so sorry. IVF is touted as some miracle ( and occasionally it is) but the odds of it succeeding are so very small. My friend and her husband had 3 rounds I think and their optimism increased with each one. They came to terms with it not happening for them and now admit they have very happy life and marriage without the struggles of parenthood

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 13:09

@EspressoDoubleShot

Adoption is a process managed by LA. Prospective applicants are screened and assessed for suitability. There is a rigorous selection process. Children placed for adoption have already been through court proceedings to grant the LA a care order. The child has undoubtedly experienced a trauma. The breakdown of adoption is @ twenty percent. Fostering has a higher failure rate. Adoption is not an easy option, and it’s not appropriate for everyone
This, and it is not a service providing children to would be adoptive parents, it’s about finding the best homes for children who have had a very rough start in life.
CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 13:12

I’ve also been through failed IVF and come out the other side. Went through a dark time but am at peace with it now. I was able to retire a few years early which I would not be able to do had I had children and have a happy marriage.

godmum56 · 02/09/2021 13:16

OP you are saying that you wanted to give your DP a happy family life but its him who against any more rounds of IVF? Maybe his concept of happy family life is not the same as yours?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 02/09/2021 13:18

@Derbee

It’s almost impossible to give any helpful advice on these threads, and I’m sorry you are feeling so sad.

I understand your husband having concerns about his age, but I don’t agree that these decisions are made by one person putting their foot down. It’s too much to potentially take from you without a proper discussion.

Presumably, based on clinical needs you have considered the use of donors? A different clinic?

I think when it comes to conceiving, one person can very much decide that's enough. Both the man and woman have a stake in this and don't think that trying to say the husband doesn't have the right to say it's the end doesn't help anyone. I think when it comes to sex and conception 'no' is enough
godmum56 · 02/09/2021 13:23

PS I am also childless not by choice. When I was in my 30's, IVF was a lot more brutal and a lot less successful...there was also much more of a public mindset of "whose fault is it" so we decided against any kind of fertility treatment...and of course before that there was no such option anyway....I do understand absolutely your feelings and I hope you find a path to making peace with your circumstances. It is possible.

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 13:23

People that say at 'least trying is fun' have never ordered their partner to have sex with them for the second day in a row when they have the full on flu. Literally one of the most miserable sexual experiences of our relationship, shortly after we accepted it was proper treatment or nothing.

Not to mention that trying for a long time without sec can have an awful effect on your libido and makes sex just seem like a chore.