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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

198 replies

Hop27 · 02/09/2021 10:04

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/09/2021 12:06

But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family

I’m so sorry op. In the above though you do need to accept he doesn’t wish it.

How old are you both in that his age is relevant?

sillysmiles · 02/09/2021 12:09

@Spyro1234

Don't give up hope, my friend conceived on the 5th round
I know you mean this well, but each couple have to decide what their own end point is. IVF is tough and expensive and imo it is really unhelpfully to have that feeling that "one last go" would be the one. For some people it will never happen. For some people it will happen on the first round. I think you need to decide where your own line is.
CurbsideProphet · 02/09/2021 12:10

DH and I are going through IVF. It's fucking awful. DH tells me we will be ok and we will find happiness and joy, even if it's not through being parents. It's a very sad prospect for me, but I know our marriage can survive.

Thinking of you 💐💐

sillysmiles · 02/09/2021 12:10

@Folklore9074 do you have a link to that podcast?

Fernando072020 · 02/09/2021 12:11

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.
Do you think it could be helpful to go to counselling together? You have every right to be as upset as you are and you need time to grieve the life you thought you'd have. Give yourself that time and allow yourself to be sad for as long as you need. I'm sorry your husband doesn't feel like he can do another round. I can understand both your viewpoints (as I said, having been there myself) and neither of you are unreasonable with your feelings. Thinking of you, op.
Folklore9074 · 02/09/2021 12:13

Just wanted to add on the 'don't give up hope' thing. Its so unhelpful. With infertility the exact reasons you can't conceive are everything.

For example if the reason you are not conceiving is PCOS or a specific aspect of sperm the outcomes to treatment could be really different from azoospermia, endo or a blood clotting issue.

Hope has to be realistic.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 02/09/2021 12:14

YANBU to be upset Flowers

It is possible to lead a full, happy life without children and I hope that in time you will be able to see this.

MacSmirving · 02/09/2021 12:15

I'm so sorry OP 💐. I know from personal experience how hard it is to accept you won't have children. I think a PP mentioned bereavement and that's exactly what it is. You'll grieve for the loss, and I'm afraid that process will be very gradual and probably take several years, but you will reach a point where you can be happy again.

Like a bereavement the loss never goes away but you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you do come out the other side of it and it becomes something you can live with.

I don't know if this will help you, but it has helped me to think of it as simply a physical disability. By which I mean that I acknowledge to myself that it's horrible bad luck that I have this disability that means I can't do something that so many other people can do, but I also accept that I can't change it and that therefore the sensible thing is to focus on what I can do and get enjoyment out of that. It took me a while to get here though.

sillysmiles · 02/09/2021 12:17

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.
I wonder if it is harder on your DH to watch what IVF is doing to you than living without children in your life.

I know my DH was always more concerned about the impact IVF and pregnancy on my health that he was about the outcome.

Your DH can have a happy family - a happy family is not contingent on having children.

BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 12:18

@Folklore9074

Just wanted to add on the 'don't give up hope' thing. Its so unhelpful. With infertility the exact reasons you can't conceive are everything.

For example if the reason you are not conceiving is PCOS or a specific aspect of sperm the outcomes to treatment could be really different from azoospermia, endo or a blood clotting issue.

Hope has to be realistic.

Not to mention that poster telling OP not to give up hope... when it’s her who DOES want to try again and her husband doesn’t. How cruel to tell a woman not to give up hope because a fifth round might work when she being prevented from doing that fifth round because her husband doesn’t feel able to go through with it.
gg12346 · 02/09/2021 12:19

Hugs to you

DeepDown12 · 02/09/2021 12:20

I am very sorry you're in this situation. We had four rounds of IVF too, all ending in MMCs at various stages. Those who haven't been through it - cannot imagine the pain and the stress it puts on you, your partner, you as a couple, even if they mean the best.

One thing that helped us was repeating like a mantra:'We are enough! We are enough!' and framing potential pregnancy as a desire to share our love and happiness with another person. It also helped a lot having pets. Two of our pets came to us after our worst loss in 2017 and I really think I survived because of them.

It is particularly difficult when you're on different pages. I was ready for IVF way before DH and I still think he went through the first time for me, not because he too wanted it. He also had more 'red lines' than I did - he didn't want to try donations, or adopting an embryo whereas I was open to anything and everything. In the end, we tried to have these conversations when we were feeling calm and rational and just accepted each others red lines. We also framed 'stopping' as a 'pause' - a decision we could overturn together just like we made it together.

Sending hugs!

LovelaceBiggWither · 02/09/2021 12:23

'This happened to my friend. She was about to start IVF then low and behold she fell pregnant.

I think the stress of it could have an impact.

Sorry to hear this OP. X'

Oh do go and get fucked. That's so not how it works for the vast majority.

GreyTS · 02/09/2021 12:23

@Hop27

Sorry I've been having a cry. His main reason to stopping is his age, he feels we are now selfish to keep trying. I do go to counselling, it just makes me feel empty. However after I tried to kill myself earlier this year so I know it's probably best not to stop. I'm lucky that I have a good job, which I love and a beautiful dog (the result of round 3 failing) and I good marriage. But DH comes from a sad childhood and I desperately want to give him a happy family.
Oh god, you poor thing, how old are you/you're DH, parenthood isn't ultimately a selfish choice, being older doesn't make it any more or less. My grandmother had her last child at 45, she is still alive at 99 and has seen that child's children into adulthood, conversely my best friends mother died aged 27 when she was 3, extreme examples yes but nothing in life is promised to any of us, and a wanted child brings joy whatever age you are
GreyTS · 02/09/2021 12:24

Sorry, typo, parenthood IS ultimately selfish

grey12 · 02/09/2021 12:24

Would you be open to adopt? Is that something you discussed with your partner?

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 12:24

@Hop27 as you undoubtedly know IVF is mentally & physically gruelling
I’m sorry it has not worked. That’s a lot to process. It’s a lot of disappointment & pain
As an aside a baby will not and cannot fix your dh or undo his pain from unhappy childhood
Do continue with the counselling and I wish you both well at a really difficult time

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/09/2021 12:25

I’m so sorry. Would you consider adoption or is this not an option?

Excelthetube · 02/09/2021 12:27

Have you thought about EMDR therapy. It helps with trauma.
Sometimes talking therapy is not as suitable.

DrSbaitso · 02/09/2021 12:28

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your human worth has nothing to do with whether you reproduced or not. Some of the worst people I know are parents, some of the best have been unable to have children though they wanted to.

And you absolutely can have a fulfilling and worthwhile life. I do not know a single couple who wanted kids and couldn't have them who don't make the world around them a better place just by being themselves.

BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 12:28

'This happened to my friend. She was about to start IVF then low and behold she fell pregnant.

I think the stress of it could have an impact.

That’s odd, considering IVF is a notoriously stressful process with no guarantees. I don’t know anyone who starts IVF with the stress of infertility having melted away because they know they’re guaranteed a baby Hmm

It’s almost like stress of infertility or IVF don’t impact fertility. Women conceive in warzones and during families and droughts, while held captive by abusers. Get away with your nonsense.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/09/2021 12:29

[quote BabyLeaf]**@RedHelenB* and @Spyro1234* are doing a cracking job of checking off the boxes on infertility bingo and giving the rest of us a masterclass on how to behave like an insensitive numbskull with the empathy of an amoeba (great phrase, PP!).

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, it’s hard enough that you’ve had so many unsuccessful rounds without feeling like you’re being forced to stop before you’re ready. You deserve all of the support in the world while you try and come to terms with this huge loss. Thinking of you.[/quote]
I think we now have a full house on the bingo.

I'm so sorry OP Flowers I hope you find peace.

BabyLeaf · 02/09/2021 12:30

@JesusInTheCabbageVan nobody has yet suggested adoption or said that at least trying is fun, but there’s time yet.

CurbsideProphet · 02/09/2021 12:31

Please stop asking if OP has considered adoption. It's so painful when people say this to me.

Lottapianos · 02/09/2021 12:32

Yeah, we've had the adoption idea. Like you get to just pop down to the baby bank and choose one 🙄