To not be able to accept I'm going to be childless.

[Hop27]

Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th.
DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.

@2kl4skl many posters, including me, have said several times please do not come onto here and go on about adoption. We know that adoption exists. You aren't the first person to tell us about adoption. If we wanted to adopt we would have already done so.

[quote CurbsideProphet]@2kl4skl many posters, including me, have said several times please do not come onto here and go on about adoption. We know that adoption exists. You aren't the first person to tell us about adoption. If we wanted to adopt we would have already done so.[/quote]

Are you ok? I never suggested adoption! Please quote where I did. In fact, quote everything I posted. I SAID I get why it's annoying to have adoption thrown at you!

I have a problem with people thinking adoptive parents are babysitters helping out the bio parents. Adoption is for the children not the parents. Adoptive kids shouldn't be punished or pushed aside or treated as a burden due to their parents mistakes

The people who adopt them ARS their parents, they didn't adopt their kids to help out the parents.

Adoption isn't about "cleaning up" anybody's mess. And it's not your or anybody else's "job" either.

I see nothing wrong with suggesting considering adoption.

Obviously not saying 'just adopt'.
Nor suggesting it is easy or everyone would be suitable.

However if someone wants to be a parent and is having trouble conceiving, then adoption is a potential route to becoming a parent.

If other people are allowed to suggest donor eggs /sperm / surrogacy, why should someone not be allowed to mention adoption as a possibility?

Obviously not if the OP says they want to be pregnant / have a biological child, but if they want the highs and lows of parenthood why is adoption deemed unmentionable?

Yes it isn't to be undergone lightly, it is different from having a birth child, not everyone would be suited to it. But it is a lot more practical to say maybe in a couple of years you could look into adopting and see whether you might be suitable than it is to say 'my friend's aunt's sister's daughter got pregnant on her 25th IVF attempt' or 'just relax' or other such nonsense.

@TeenMinusTests assuming you haven’t undergone infertility? Listen to those of us who have and just don’t mention it! We aren’t stupid, we know adoption exists.

@TeenMinusTests

I see nothing wrong with suggesting considering adoption.

Obviously not saying 'just adopt'.
Nor suggesting it is easy or everyone would be suitable.

However if someone wants to be a parent and is having trouble conceiving, then adoption is a potential route to becoming a parent.

If other people are allowed to suggest donor eggs /sperm / surrogacy, why should someone not be allowed to mention adoption as a possibility?

Obviously not if the OP says they want to be pregnant / have a biological child, but if they want the highs and lows of parenthood why is adoption deemed unmentionable?

Yes it isn't to be undergone lightly, it is different from having a birth child, not everyone would be suited to it. But it is a lot more practical to say maybe in a couple of years you could look into adopting and see whether you might be suitable than it is to say 'my friend's aunt's sister's daughter got pregnant on her 25th IVF attempt' or 'just relax' or other such nonsense.

Every single person who has experienced infertility will have considered adoption. Every single one. They don’t need to have it suggested to them by people who haven’t experienced infertility. If they have chosen not to adopt, their reasons are nobody else’s business and they don’t have to justify their decision to anyone.

@Gensola You are assuming wrong.

A number of rounds of failed IVF and an adopter.

People know donor eggs / sperm etc exist too but others aren't jumped on for suggesting it. Why does adoption have to be unmentionable?

@TeenMinusTests. I apologise for assuming you had not xperienced infertility, but I feel my point about adoption still stands.

Sorry @2kl4skl I misread your post 💐 I'm going through miscarriage and IVF and people innocently asking if I've considered adoption is driving me insane. My manager, sibling, friends... I haven't told many people about the IVF but every single one of them has acted as though we must have never heard of adoption 😬 then I read these threads and see posters again acting as though adoption is the perfect solution to not being able to successfully conceive 🙄😬

Every single person who has experienced infertility will have considered adoption. Every single one. They don’t need to have it suggested to them by people who haven’t experienced infertility. If they have chosen not to adopt, their reasons are nobody else’s business and they don’t have to justify their decision to anyone.

^Yes, this definitely. I remember that in the days when we were going through infertility, and had adoption suggested to us, my DH used to wonder, ‘Do they think we don’t know about adoption?’

As I’ve said, we did adopt in the end. But only when we were ready to go down that road.

@CurbsideProphet

Sorry *@2kl4skl* I misread your post 💐 I'm going through miscarriage and IVF and people innocently asking if I've considered adoption is driving me insane. My manager, sibling, friends... I haven't told many people about the IVF but every single one of them has acted as though we must have never heard of adoption 😬 then I read these threads and see posters again acting as though adoption is the perfect solution to not being able to successfully conceive 🙄😬

It must be dreadful. Honestly, it is best not to tell anyone at work anything about your business. I can understand youngsters saying tactless things and asking questions but not mature people; makes me cringe at the thought.

Lots of hugs OP. Infertility is horrible. We suffered for 10 years before DC. The games changer was having more money therefore being able to go to a different clinic and somehow they had the winning formula. We’ve not been so lucky with having a second child and despite doing multiple ivfs we’ve gone on to have mc after mc. So now we have had secondary infertility for nearly 5 years.

And it goes without saying that people have frquently told us to adopt.

There were days pre dc that I would just cry and cry not being able to imagine a future. The only thing that got me through was a total belief that it would work. Ivf requires such a positive mind set, you have to be physically and mentally present and in the zone. Unfortunately you both have to be willing to do it.

Take each day a bit at a time. Do what you can, handle what you can. If you need to avoid babies, avoid them if you need to avoid family events then do it. Theres no set way on dealing with infertility other than works for you, just be kind to yourself and your dh.

@Plumtree391 I've needed to tell managers to make sure I've covered my back with HR when I've been off sick. The manager who "suggested" adoption doesn't have / want children (she's open about it) so I presume she thought it was helpful.
I really wish anyone who has easily conceived their own children should stop and think before they trot out the line about adoption. It's so unbelievably insensitive.

@lovemelongtime

I really dont want to be insensitive but there are so many children that would love to be adopted or fostered into a loving home, could this be considered as an alternative. I do appreciate the difference.

Really. You don't want to be insensitive @lovemelongtime And yet there you are being exceedingly insensitive. Honestly when you have a shitty, shitty experience of multiple rounds of IVF and someone comes out with a gem like this you don't know where to start.

The IVF platitude bingo is real on this thread.
The stress, the adoption suggestions, the stories of those who conceived when they just stopped trying.

Every single person who has experienced infertility will have considered adoption. Every single one. They don’t need to have it suggested to them by people who haven’t experienced infertility. If they have chosen not to adopt, their reasons are nobody else’s business and they don’t have to justify their decision to anyone.

Well said @CounsellorTroi

[quote CurbsideProphet]@Plumtree391 I've needed to tell managers to make sure I've covered my back with HR when I've been off sick. The manager who "suggested" adoption doesn't have / want children (she's open about it) so I presume she thought it was helpful.
I really wish anyone who has easily conceived their own children should stop and think before they trot out the line about adoption. It's so unbelievably insensitive.[/quote]
I'm sorry your manager is so tactless.

There should be more articles and television programme about people's attitudes towards infertile others. For example, not to make suggestions.

I remember at work, many years ago, a young woman with two children was chiding another woman about not having any kids - yet. I said to her, something like, 'if she decides to you'll be the first to know'; I was being sarcastic but she did not get it, she just laughed and carried on.

Later on the other woman said to me she was so annoyed, wasn't it obvious that she was having fertility problems before pouring it all out . I must admit that hadn't occurred to me! I just thought it was wrong to ask personal questions. Therefore I said to the stupid one in a very cross voice that what she said might have been better not said. It was awful.

People just don't think before opening their mouths and putting their feet in. I suppose we've all done it about something but surely we live and learn.

Good luck, OutsideProphet.

It's very odd that it's mentioned as if no one would have considered it.

@Booknooks

It's very odd that it's mentioned as if no one would have considered it.

*Just that really, 4 rounds of IVF and planned for a 5th. DH has decided he doesn't want to try again. I'm broken. AIBU to not be able to cope with this as my future. I can't bare the thought of being childless.*

This is what the OP said: "childless". In a lot of people's ideas that would mean there is scope for adoption. It is by far not a straightforward or easy thing to do, but it's a very noble way to have children and experience parenthood.

In no way are people belittling the pain of infertility by suggesting adoption.

While adoption is something I wouldn’t ever suggest not least because I would have never considered it personally, I think it’s fair to say that a lot of people do think about adoption before they even realise they have fertility issues.

I have lost count of the people I’ve known who have put off ttc, who have said “well, if I can’t then I can always adopt.” It’s a comment made with no actual consideration of either the issues surrounding infertility, or any knowledge of the adoption process and potential outcomes.

And a lot of people who have fertility issues do go down the adoption route when they realise that IVF and other fertility treatments aren’t going to be successful.

i think the only part which is genuinely crass is when people say “there are lots of unwanted children out there, why not adopt one,” esp given those people would never adopt themselves, and there will still be lots of unwanted children out there who those people could adopt themselves.

@HeartsAndClubs you're right! Adoption can't be seen as just "helping all those poor kids". It's a very complex and emotional process.

My parents had big issues with fertility and found out they were pregnant with me the week they decided was their cut off to go and start the adoption process!!!

So I can understand it is a tough decision but a lot of people do know where they stand on adoption. It is by biggest advice to new couples to be on the same wavelength when it comes to fertility issues.

I agree with the ‘adoption bingo’ comments. I can’t imagine anyone having IVF who’s not aware that adoption exists.

However some of the posters stating that mentioning adoption to the OP is insensitive need to also be aware of their own insensitive comments - references to adopted children being ‘stolen’ and ‘not my (own)’ are equally as offensive. I may not have given birth to my children, but they are very much mine.

Hugs to you!

I would suggest having a talk with your DH. Talk openly about your feelings and your fears, and listen to him. It is quite possible, the whole process of IVF is too much for him to bear anymore. Maybe try to take a little bit of break from IVF, just a couple of months, and then re-examine the subject around Christmas time.