To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

Depends totally on your family situation.

I won't have a business if my parents leave their farm to the cats home instead of me!

Generally I agree, it’s gross and crass. There are exceptions however, usually when it comes to lived in by non owner property/family businesses. That needs to be talked through to make sure it works.

YANBU, well said!

And it's nearly always the DILS on here, trying to get their mitts on their inlaw's money.

They rarely post about trying to bite their own parent's hands off.

My db has had a lot of financial help over the years.
He's still going to get an equal share of any inheritance left.
Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

It depends. Mum has already given me and my sister a copy of hers so we know what her plans are.
There's no point spending it all living it up when you might need decent end of life care for your last couple of years.

I knew what was in my DM's will because I was the executor and she wanted me to know all the inns and outs of it before she died having received a terminal illness diagnosis.

I remember reading years ago that the healthiest and best will anyone could make was "being of sound mind I spent the lot". I agree - after Dad died and mum eventually needed to go into a home we sold her house and spent all of the money on keeping her in the nicest place we could find. It was wonderful and worth every penny that my sister and I didn't inherit.

@ flowerycurtain presumably you co-own the business though which is entirely different from just expecting to inherit a portion of their house or whatever.

There was actually a time when we talked about me buying a house with my parents, because I was seriously ill and we considered all living together. But once we discussed it fully we realised that there would be too many implications if any of us died (and at that point I was just as likely to die as they were.) so we didn’t.

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family eg my mum asked my brother if she should include his step kids in hers and said it was up to him and his wife. I’m my dad and step mum’s financial POA so they’ve discussed their wishes with me. I’m my mum’s living will person. I’ve got step kids so we have comprehensive provisions for them and our shared one, all far too young to discuss it with but in time we will.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

YANBU but with one possible exception.

If someone is planning to leave a child or children a very large sum of money, it might be reasonable to warn the parents up front.

And yes, I know there are no guarantees.

My mum, and separately my dad, have given my sister lots more financial help than me. But she needs it more than me and it's not my money. They can spend it on who or what they see fit.

It's fucking gross that people see parents or PIL money as their own.

I disagree. It makes financial planning a nightmare if you have no idea what your future prospects are, and it is only sensible to ensure that parents, grandparents etc have made suitable provision to minimise inheritance tax.
It could be a huge relief to an adult son or daughter with severe health problems for example, if they knew theirfuture was financially secure even if theybecame unable to work long term. Adult offspring can plan future moves up the housing ladder if they know an inheritance will help with the deposit. And so on.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

Agree.

People need to discuss POA before they need it.

A lot of the elderly in our family want to discuss their wills as they feels it's important to make sure everyone knows their wishes.

I also have discussed mine with those that will inherit.

Both my parents are remarried to selfish, untrustworthy people who also have children, so I have made my peace with the fact that I will probably inherit nothing. If I do end up with something then it will come as a surprise.

I think more people ought to think that way.

I had a very rich family member who died and he gave all his money away to charity. Family were beside themselves as I think they had near enough spent it while he was still alive!

My mum was the sort to make provision for her children and none of us needed a bloody thing. I wish she’d have spent it on herself.

I think the problem is that many people associate what they are or aren’t left in a will with that person’s love for or feelings about them. This, compounded with the jealousy and resentment and lifelong feeling of having to fight for an adequate share of parental love and attention so common between siblings (which I think we don’t properly recognise or talk about as a society) and you end up with the adult version of childhood squabbling over who has the biggest portion of cake or who got the most privileges or who was given the most attention.

People always have been scheming and grabby around death and Wills - it’s nothing new, but these days they can post anonymously about it.

When I was doing my family tree years ago I did a course on the basics, and the section on Wills was interesting. Basically if a parent didn’t want to leave money to a DC they would give them a small token sum in their Will and the rest of the estate elsewhere. Legally this proved that they did remember they had this DC, weren’t insane etc at the time of making the Will so it couldn’t be easily contested. After seeing some of the grabby people on here at times I think I’d want to do something like that if I got any inkling that my DC was plotting what they thought they deserved to get in my Will (obviously this may have no legal basis these days but I like the sentiment. Course was also done in another Western country, not the UK, so the law may have been different here).

@Babdoc

I disagree. It makes financial planning a nightmare if you have no idea what your future prospects are, and it is only sensible to ensure that parents, grandparents etc have made suitable provision to minimise inheritance tax. It could be a huge relief to an adult son or daughter with severe health problems for example, if they knew theirfuture was financially secure even if theybecame unable to work long term. Adult offspring can plan future moves up the housing ladder if they know an inheritance will help with the deposit. And so on.

But inheritance is never guaranteed anyway. So my sisters and me knowing that our parents have x amount of money doesn’t really help, as it all might go.

Some families will discuss it, others won't.

The discussion isn't the problem, entitlement is.

I think there are common sense things to consider. I’d advise anyone away from leaving a percentage of their estate to charity as they can be awful to deal with. Much better to leave a fixed gift. My sister lives in my mums old flat, makes more sense for it to left directly to her than to both of us. That they have made a will,where it’s kept etc.

@Babdoc

I disagree. It makes financial planning a nightmare if you have no idea what your future prospects are, and it is only sensible to ensure that parents, grandparents etc have made suitable provision to minimise inheritance tax. It could be a huge relief to an adult son or daughter with severe health problems for example, if they knew theirfuture was financially secure even if theybecame unable to work long term. Adult offspring can plan future moves up the housing ladder if they know an inheritance will help with the deposit. And so on.

I do really think this sort of attitude is quite disgusting. Planning your future house moves up the property ladder that will depend on the death of a family member?

Also I have learned from bitter experience that nothing is certain, and that people often don't have the money you think they do/change their will at the last minute.

I agree with you in principle, however I find myself in an odd situation.

I am an only child. My parents' house is in complete disorder. They say everything is sorted and there's paperwork etc but won't be clear on where everything is and what's what. I don't actually think my mum knows the details tbh.

To be clear, I couldn't give a flying fuck whether I inherit or not. Me and dh have a nice home, savings etc. They have always said everything will come to me though. Frankly I am irritated that I will have to sort out all their mess. I'd like to know what's what now so that I am not lumbered with chasing paperwork etc at a later date.

We've made our wills, all our paperwork is filed and we keep on top of clutter etc because I don't want to subject my two children to the same. I'll be telling them that they'll be inheriting from is and making sure they know where everything is.

No inheritance is guaranteed as it can be consumed by care home fees/home help etc, and quite frankly individuals should be making their own way through life, working hard to achieve what they want out of life, and not sit around waiting for their parents to die before they upgrade their house etc.

If there is DC who require lifelong 24-hour care/supervision then parents would hopefully ensure that this is sufficiently provided for if they can.

YABU that it shouldn’t discussed before death. I think it really should be open and honest way before death, when there is no emotion attached to it.

But I 100% agree that no one should be expecting any inheritance and shouldn’t be relying on it. I’d much rather my parents enjoyed it while they were alive than left me a penny.

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family

I think this is very pragmatic. My parents have just gone through hell sorting out my DGM’s affairs and as a result (hoping to avoid me having to go through the same) they’ve sent me a current copy of their will, put all important docs in a folder marked with my name in their home and emailed some poor soul in an investment bank asking him to verify my identity now rather than wait until they pass .

A bit overkill but I can understand the reasoning.