To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

My mum died of a terminal illness and when she got her diagnosis she sat me and my brother down and went thru everything (I am executor)
My father is still alive but we have POA as he is very poorly and not always very with it so we support him

However I would always ensure he had the care he needed before and
Above anything else

I have friends who say "when uncle Fred dies we will by a new car" etc etc I I agree it's very bad manners

I have been through this. My parents have basically given all their money to one of my siblings, and don’t understand why I would be upset by it.

I am devastated, and the consequences for me financially are not the main reason why. If they had just spent it all on cruises or whatever I would have been okay with it.

But this just feels heartbreaking.

Greed

@FlipFlops4Me

I remember reading years ago that the healthiest and best will anyone could make was "being of sound mind I spent the lot". I agree - after Dad died and mum eventually needed to go into a home we sold her house and spent all of the money on keeping her in the nicest place we could find. It was wonderful and worth every penny that my sister and I didn't inherit.

Aw, this is lovely. We hold this mindset about my Pil, as it's clear they will need care. Glad to hear it worked with hindsight.

I agree that it's much better to have an honest and frank discussion before the death, I have POA and am executor for my DM's will, I have met with her financial advisor and solicitor to make sure things are in order (we have also discussed funeral plans). Much easier to talk these things through in a pragmatic way, and making sure I understand her wishes, than waiting until after she has died when it will all be very emotional. And easier to get paperwork sorted before your loved one dies. We had to sort out a deceased relative's affairs after they had died .... it was not easy.

This is interesting as both my and DHs parents have already told us what we will inherit. However we're not taking it into account when planning for the future as it might all go on care home fees.

I definitely want to leave as much as possible to my own DCs. I've got no intention of spending as much as I can before I die although will still do the things I want to do which is travel the world.

Youre not wrong OP about the sense of entitlement that some of the threads have.

However, there are too many exceptions to your rule that no one should discuss what is in anyone else’s will until after they are dead.

For example, in making our wills we had to designate a guardian for our children in the event we both died before they were adults. It was the right thing to discuss this with both the person we wished to be their guardian and also with our children. They knew if we died, that so and so was going to take care of them.

Another example, is that every Will has at least one executor...it is smart to discuss it with that person or persons before making them executor(s) because what if they are unable or unwilling to do that for you? It is also good to provide them with an original copy of your will before you die so they have it and aren’t ransacking your house or calling all the solicitors within a fifty mile radius looking for your will when you do die.

Another exception is you should always discuss your will with your partner/spouse. Especially if there are children from prior relationships to consider.

In most of the threads, the problem has happened because either the will surprised the next of kin, or it was changed without their knowledge and again was a surprise. So to me, too that indicates it is probably better to be open with your designated heirs or beneficiaries as to generally what they can expect when you write your will and after any updates. I don’t think keeping it secret would solve the problems you have observed.

My DP and PIL made it very clear what their intentions were to DB and DH and I, and we followed them to the letter. Including fighting SIL when she decided to try and remove her sibling's share of the 'pot' for her own benefit.

My DP left their estate to their grandchildren, and it has given them a step up as they begin to make their way in the world. DB and I knew and were happy with this.

I think openness is essential, as that's the only way that you can definitely know what the intentions are/were - and the reasons behind those decisions.

I recently had a conversation with a friend, I was debating between lower mortgage payments vs bigger house as the DC grow. She told me they wouldn't move because they hope to move into DPs parents house one day (by buying sibling out) and the renovation plans/extension they intend to make. I couldn't believe people actually make future plans based on the death of relatives. I did say that her DCs would hopefully be near flying the nest age by the time they inherit so the renovation may not be required 🙄
Never crossed my mind to consider making future plans based on inheritance. We do know we are in the will of parents but I'd be happy with nothing at all and for them to spend the lot on themselves.

@megletthesecond

It depends. Mum has already given me and my sister a copy of hers so we know what her plans are. There's no point spending it all living it up when you might need decent end of life care for your last couple of years.

That sounds like an excellent reason to spend it living it up while you can still enjoy it.

My mum left her, relativley , small amount e equally split between me, my daughter, my sister, my BIL, my niece and nephew.

You could argue that my family, collectively got less. Or, you could argue that as my sister and BIL did almost all of the caring in mum's later years, they should have had more.

I said as much to my sister. She was adamant that this was Mums wish, so that's what would happen.

I've seen siblings torn apart by things like this. I'm lucky, my sis is a reasonable woman.

What my mum left was no reflection on how much she loved each of us. If I had to guess, id say she was closer to my sister than me. But she was closer to my daughter than to her other two grandchildren. Though she loved us all.

My mum, knowing what was in my grandparents will, stole what was to be my inheritance in the month or 2 before their death but left items to be left to others alone. She was really quite open about it afterwards telling me she hadn’t got the money she hoped for from it but it would help her buy new items for her house.
She is now, openly, using her own will as a way to show me I am persona non grata. Although I know I am not entitled to anything I feel I am entitled to feel hurt that she is capable of loving others but not me. It’s not the money (there’s not a lot of it anyway) but being cut off from my family history and not getting the small heirlooms that would normally be passed my way because she doesn’t like that I am with a woman.

I stand corrected. Having read the thread (some of it), it seems common to consider inheritance in financial planning... who knew!!

@Mummytomylittlegirl

I disagree I think you should discuss wills, who your executors are and how things need to be divided etc. where your accounts are (even if you want to keep amounts private). Especially if you have second marriages/ children. Life insurance policies and so on.

I am only 30 but I have it all planned/ figured out. Even if DH and I both died they know that we have a will and roughly what would happen.

I have worked in a role though where I have seen thousands go unclaimed because finances were never discussed and no one knows about the accounts. Ive seen what happens when you don’t plan your finances, it’s an awful amount of stress/ things to sort out when someone dies if things aren’t in order.

Obviously entitlement and arguing over it is another story. I do agree a lot of that is wrong.

I agree with this. Totally.

It's always been discussed in my family because there were a number of properties including commercial to be considered. These things need to be handed over.

My parents recently passed away and thankfully they both had a will . Which I had encouraged them to do a few years ago .
They had already given me the life insurance bank account details and other relevant stuff they both had money put aside for funeral plans which also made a big difference .

I knew where the Wills were kept and honestly it’s made every thing very very easy to deal with at a time when emotions are all over the place .

I’m an executor so is my sister but she is happy for me to deal with everything as I’m more organised.

I’m getting a probate solicitor to do stuff as it’s a bit complicated as there was a trust and she said that the hardest thing is often that people have no idea where anything is kept and she said it made a real change to speak to someone who had 99 percent of what she needed to the work 😂

@AnneLovesGilbert

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family eg my mum asked my brother if she should include his step kids in hers and said it was up to him and his wife. I’m my dad and step mum’s financial POA so they’ve discussed their wishes with me. I’m my mum’s living will person. I’ve got step kids so we have comprehensive provisions for them and our shared one, all far too young to discuss it with but in time we will.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

Our family is the same. My ddad was always a stickler for having his affairs in order and when he passed away many years ago my dm was grateful that they had tied up lots of loose ends. My siblings and I are aware of the contents of dm will, and dpil have also been very open about theirs. I find it strange when people don’t discuss these things if I’m honest. Although I quite agree that that isn’t the same as entitlement.

Completely agree.

Some of these threads are obscene.

One of the reasons I've always been glad to know the basic contents of my mother's will (even though it wasn't found, the end result has been the same) is that the sibling that was excluded from my father's will was included equally in my mother's. This is despite the fact that a) they never did any of the caring (and there was a lot) for my mother; b) the issue that caused them to be excluded from my father's will directly and adversely affected me and c) they are a nasty, violent person, even to our mother.

Knowing, for years, that this person was being treated exactly the same as me, despite all the above, was a hard pill to swallow, but I was able to come to terms with it over time. I don't know how I would have felt if I'd had to discover it on her death. Even more betrayed, I suspect.

Sometimes, though, I wonder what happened to that will. She was so adamant that it was there, and the rest of us certainly all believed it to be, as she mentioned it so often...

My DB and his batshit crazy wife wanted to cash in while my DM is still in her 50’s.

She said no. They still don’t talk to her it has been over a year. They wanted more than an no equal divide.
Needless to say I won’t speak to them either. I hate selfish bastards,

Not a clue what’s in my parents will. I am executor but know nothing more than it’s split equally between all the children. No idea of amounts but I imagine I’ll find out one day

Totally depends on the situation.

If someone leaves their job or takes a big pay cut in order to care for their family in their final years, it's nice to know that there could be money in the future and that it won't all be left to the dog shelter.

In my family's case, we did have to discuss it quite a lot because my dad has been on DNR quite a few times & we know we don't have much longer left with him. He made the decision to cut my brother out of his will completely a few years ago, and wanted to make sure we knew ahead of time.

I have absolutely no idea how much my dad is leaving to us both, but I appreciated being told so I could prepare for what could be a nasty situation. Nothing to do with financial planning at all. And quite honestly if there is nothing to be left, it won't bother me. It's just knowing what might happen that is helpful.

Similarly, my mum & I have had conversations about what might happen if she gets terminally ill. She's asked me to be her 'guardian' basically and we've agreed on her funeral plans. I'd rather have those conversations now than when it's too late.

@AnneLovesGilbert

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family eg my mum asked my brother if she should include his step kids in hers and said it was up to him and his wife. I’m my dad and step mum’s financial POA so they’ve discussed their wishes with me. I’m my mum’s living will person. I’ve got step kids so we have comprehensive provisions for them and our shared one, all far too young to discuss it with but in time we will.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

This. If a parent loves their children and is distributing things unequally or there are any complexities, that parent should explain to the children to save misery and discontent. Especially if businesses or farms involved- there are programs here encouraging farmers to succession plan and supporting them on how to discuss this to help avoid many problems down the track.

On the one hand it’s crass but it should be something we can talk about in certain ways. I don’t mean bickering over it and being money grabbing. But for example my grandparents had no will likely they thought since they had only one child everything would just transfer to them with no issues. And my mum wouldn’t have dreamed of asking about it. It ended up being a big hassle. Had my mum mentioned the consequences of having no will then I’m sure my grandparents would have acted differently.