To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

@FlipFlops4Me

I remember reading years ago that the healthiest and best will anyone could make was "being of sound mind I spent the lot". I agree - after Dad died and mum eventually needed to go into a home we sold her house and spent all of the money on keeping her in the nicest place we could find. It was wonderful and worth every penny that my sister and I didn't inherit.

Best post ever.

@Woeismethischristmas

I think there are common sense things to consider. I’d advise anyone away from leaving a percentage of their estate to charity as they can be awful to deal with. Much better to leave a fixed gift. My sister lives in my mums old flat, makes more sense for it to left directly to her than to both of us. That they have made a will,where it’s kept etc.

Someone we know was going to leave the proceeds of the sale of a house, to a charity. His solicitor strongly advised leaving the house, instead, otherwise there’d be endless hassle - why hadn’t it sold yet, why hadn’t it sold for more money? etc. From what the evidently experienced sol. said, it must be a much more common thing than I’d realised.

So he left the house itself instead, and there was still hassle. The widow (otherwise well provided for) was allowed to stay there for up to 3 years, after which the charity would get the keys.

Months after the charity were well aware of the terms, they still sent a letter to the widow, basically saying, ‘Actually, it’d be much easier for us if you could just sell it and give us the money instead.’

Such a bloody cheek. Dh (executor) wrote and told them in slightly more polite terms to fuck off.
All they had to do, FGS, was to pass the keys to a local agent - they had their own sols. to deal with the legal side.

I wonder how much of the reluctance to discuss financial issues is down to the old fashioned notion that it's somehow distasteful to talk about money. My granny prided herself on not knowing how much my grandad earned. It was just not spoken about!

Many people have very little understanding of financial issues... posts on here regularly have misinformation, and in RL I've encountered many women who are underprepared for their retirement, eg: mistakenly believing that if their husband dies first, they'll inherit all his pension. It's an issue which disproportionally affects women too.

Some people are conflating openness with entitlement. They are completely different things. No one is entitled to money or property which belongs to someone else. But being transparent about financial issues can be incredibly helpful.

I agree openness and entitlement are completely different. Expecting inheritance, planning how you'll spend it etc while the person is still alive is awful, but knowing what plans are in place is sensible.

My family have no money to leave but both parents have policies that will pay out almost enough to cover their funeral costs because their parents didn't plan at all and my parents, aunts and uncles had to find the money when the time came.
I know who their policies are with and where the paperwork is because no one needs that stress at that awful time.

We have no idea about FILs will except where he keeps a copy, and he only told us that because he became quite paranoid when Covid hit. That's his choice, DH and his siblings aren't bothered.

MIL on the other hand, made us sit with her and help her write her will because she owns a business that comes with animals (like a small holding type thing) and her will makes provisions for them but if the time comes, DH and I will need to be able to deal with logistics and know who to contact etc.
It's only sensible that we know the plans and it has nothing to do with DH feeling entitled to money.

@BettyCarver

I wonder how much of the reluctance to discuss financial issues is down to the old fashioned notion that it's somehow distasteful to talk about money. My granny prided herself on not knowing how much my grandad earned. It was just not spoken about!

Many people have very little understanding of financial issues... posts on here regularly have misinformation, and in RL I've encountered many women who are underprepared for their retirement, eg: mistakenly believing that if their husband dies first, they'll inherit all his pension. It's an issue which disproportionally affects women too.

Some people are conflating openness with entitlement. They are completely different things. No one is entitled to money or property which belongs to someone else. But being transparent about financial issues can be incredibly helpful.

I always thought the woman inherits her husbands pension! What happens to it then?

@ssd depends on the terms of the policy. Some occupational pensions might mean the spouse is entitled to a proportion of the pension, maybe half. It seems to be a common misconception that the spouse will automatically inherit it all

Some women think that they will inherit their husbands state pension which is not the case at all !

@Nietzschethehiker

In terms of having knowledge about arrangements made its quite silly and a bit head in the sand not to be aware. I've worked with adult elderly a huge amount and the amount of families that make all their lives harder because they think its morbid or tacky to discuss practicalities is high.

A sensible conversation when it is appropriate is a good thing. Due to recent illness I have had the will discussion, POA and DNAR /Advance directive discussions with my DP. Not in an effort to gain anything but because I can support them through the practicalities. I couldn't give two hoots if I were to recieve nothing , its not my money, never was and its irrelevant who they leave it to. However I have supported so many distressed people at end of life that practical conversations are better had before things go downhill.

When things start to decline its emotive and distressing and not the time to be having to consider things like wills etc just after death. At least having an understanding, such as whether a funeral is paid for , requirements , access to bank accounts is important and being too delicate or polite to discuss them makes life harder.

All that said , no-one is entitled to any form of money or asset from a will. Its horrendous to challenge a will and genuinely says a lot about who you are. The money is not yours unless someone else chooses to give it to you and if you can't figure out how to stand on your own two feet , someone else's will is not the answer.

I'm challenging DS's father's Will.

DS is a child, his father's Will was made many years before he was born. I'm not challenging it for me, but for him.

How horrendous to be called horrendous for wanting to provide for my child. Should I let the state pick up the bill for OUR son instead? Should I shrug and say 'sorry kid no prospect of University for you"

I have my mum's will in my drawer never opened it and don't intend to either until the time. I'm not fussed what's in it I don't care if I don't get a penny to be honest. I hope she lives her life to the full and spends all her money on what makes her happy

@thereisonlyoneofme

Some women think that they will inherit their husbands state pension which is not the case at all !

How do women find out this though?

@Saz12 he already has done, but thanks for thinking about it.

He had a hip replacement 8 or so years ago and was concerned about the anaesthetic. He sent me a copy of his latest will the day before and made sure his PoA was up to date. As it happened, they did the op under an epidural and I was chatting to him on the phone 30 minutes after he was back on the ward.

I'd better get back to the gardening - at 86 he's still keen to help with the strimming (or just play with the latest garden gadget!)

You can’t get someone who’s dead to change their will.

@FangsForTheMemory

You can’t get someone who’s dead to change their will.

No, but if all the beneficiaries agree you can do a Deed of Variation which changes the will post death and it acts as if that had been the testator's original wishes. (In England at least).

It's important to talk about things like this. My parents showed me their will and it's very straightforward and my brother and I are also executors. I told them multiple times that I didn't care if they left me a tenner as long as they had a good life and enjoyed themselves but they wanted me to be aware of where the will was, etc, and what was in it.

I don't think, in Scotland, you can disinherit your dc through your will, so it can at times be contested

@3GreenPullups That 'if' is doing a lot of heavy lifting there.

Some people are conflating openness with entitlement. They are completely different things.

^This. And some people just get the heebie jeebies at the thought of talking about death. Or financial issues. So talking about wills is a heebie jeebie double whammy.

It's highly dependent on the situation.

I know quite a lot of people - the vast majority women - who end up spending a large proportion of their lives caring for elderly relatives. That then has an impact on a lot of things including earning potential.

People live longer now and a lot of carehomes are still places you wouldn't want to put someone you loved. No, they don't do it for the money but at the same time if you move back home, away from higher paying jobs, and spend a decade or so part time because your parents are frail and then they leave it to the cats' home I think you get to be a bit gutted.

I was gifted a house and an investment trust account by my parents worth about £2m in all (and could be gifted quite a lot more). My will has just been changed so my husband will get the house and our joint money but the big account will go straight to the kids. I trust my husband but know he would be under pressure to start making gifts to his grabby family if he suddenly came into lottery sums so I want to protect as much of my family’s money as possible.

YABU, not all parents are interested in playing games with their children about inheritance.

My mum discussed hers with me and Dsis. It basically fulfills dad's intentions wrt the house, and she asked us who wants what by way of jewelry, kitchen things, books, knick knacks. We know there is a certain amount set aside for her funeral expenses too.

Far better to discuss in advance than to be facing a shock and possible resentful feelings at a time when emotions are heightened after a death, imo.

Mum also cooperated fully with POA and DNR arrangements.

Some cultures are more comfortable around the idea of death then others are. I suspect that discomfort about contents of a will stems from issues around death.

While I also would prefer my parents to spend and enjoy their money, everyone does die eventually and surely it’s better to have had the discussion with them about what their wishes are for their estate, the same way that I should know their preferred funeral arrangements and how to clear their browser history

Agree, @swg1

@gofg

I disagree. It makes financial planning a nightmare if you have no idea what your future prospects are, and it is only sensible to ensure that parents, grandparents etc have made suitable provision to minimise inheritance tax.

Oh well, we couldn't have that, could we? Honestly, just listen to yourself "future prospects" indeed.

Yes. For forbid anyone have prospects.

Despite what you (weirdly) seem to want, some people will actually come into money when their relatives pass on. It’s not strange to take the is into account.

Stop being odd.