To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

I disagree I think you should discuss wills, who your executors are and how things need to be divided etc. where your accounts are (even if you want to keep amounts private). Especially if you have second marriages/ children. Life insurance policies and so on.

I am only 30 but I have it all planned/ figured out. Even if DH and I both died they know that we have a will and roughly what would happen.

I have worked in a role though where I have seen thousands go unclaimed because finances were never discussed and no one knows about the accounts. Ive seen what happens when you don’t plan your finances, it’s an awful amount of stress/ things to sort out when someone dies if things aren’t in order.

Obviously entitlement and arguing over it is another story. I do agree a lot of that is wrong.

I was so shocked when a colleague said that she was waiting for her FIL to hurry up and die so that they could pay off their daughter's private school fees. I hope that he lived for a very long time in a very nice care home!

@AnneLovesGilbert

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family eg my mum asked my brother if she should include his step kids in hers and said it was up to him and his wife. I’m my dad and step mum’s financial POA so they’ve discussed their wishes with me. I’m my mum’s living will person. I’ve got step kids so we have comprehensive provisions for them and our shared one, all far too young to discuss it with but in time we will.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

I agree with this completely. My parents have discussed their wills (and the changes they make over time) extensively with my sister and I. It does help though that we are both financially solvent (now at least) so anything they leave us would be lovely, but not essential, if you see what I mean. But they have discussed things like how to leave money to the various grandchildren in a way that is safe for them(one of mine is vulnerable and absolutely should not be left any substantial sum without very careful trust planning for example, otherwise he would be an absolute target for predators).

We have even had zoom calls the 4 of us with my parents solicitor to discuss options. My hope is that they spend the lot and really live it up so there is nothing left. But no-one can predict that. What we do not want is for them to save save save and leave us anything. A family friend lived a life that was austere and frugal and really uncomfortable. he died leaving a million cash and a house and when I think how it could have been used to make his life better my heart breaks. I hope my parents don't do that.

I disagree. An open and sensible discussion about financial planning is a good idea. Parents playing games with inheritance or children with unreasonable expectations less so. The problem isn’t the discussion it’s the emotional backdrop.

@LadyLindaT

I was so shocked when a colleague said that she was waiting for her FIL to hurry up and die so that they could pay off their daughter's private school fees. I hope that he lived for a very long time in a very nice care home!

Similar- I had a colleague who when I gave my condolences at her FIL's death said 'well at least I'll be able to get my new kitchen'. And she was quite serious. I was shocked.

It really depends on the family relationships. Things can be very complex when there has been financial abuse/neglect etc

My parents discussed it with me because I'm the executor and I know more about these things than them - they also wanted me to know they had altered it since both my girls are over 18 so there's no longer in trust but they are getting some now for university costs in lieu of them

@Debetswell

My db has had a lot of financial help over the years. He's still going to get an equal share of any inheritance left. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My DB was the same.

However, he didn't get anything in DM's will, and now feels he has been punished. DM didn't tell him before she died, and he is now arguing that because she didn't tell him, something is amiss.

So, in this scenario, I really wish DM had taken the time and effort to explain to him whilst she was still alive, her thinking and decision making process. She did leave a letter, but he doesn't accept it's contents.

Think it depends. My parents have recently been discussing updating their will since my child came along. My brother however has no children and isn't on property ladder yet. My parents have helped me with finances along the years and some free childcare. My bro needs more support due to disability and is soon ready to buy so they will help him but he won't get a large mortgage. My parents have discussed changing the will so he inherits the house as its likely to the only way he will ever get a house, and then I get savings for me and my child which will help pay off our existing mortgage. Overall my bro will get more value from the house and I'm okay with that because if my parents don't make sure he okay, it falls to me. It's rather morbid and I hated the convo but I can understand my parents wanted to be transparent about their thought process.

Have no idea what is in either my mum or dad's will, I just know that they have one and who will be dealing with it and in my dad's case where all his important papers are.

I don't think anyone can say well when x dies I will be getting £6million (example) because for all anyone knows before x dies they are going to be in nursing home for 20 years, you could do percentages so x is leaving 50% but again with the above example, the best to assume is 50% of 0 is 0.

In an ideal world I disagree with you. I encourage anyone making a will to discuss it with wider family beforehand because it is easier to explain anything that needs explaining in person.

I can see that this can, in a non-harmonius family, lead to problems such as parents wishing to control children through threats to disinherit, and siblings accusing each other of trying to influence the parents.

Maybe not amounts, but messages like 'I am leaving the house to x for x reason' or 'I love you equally but am leaving my money like this' are messages that, if they are too difficult or problematic to be given and 'owned' by the person writing the will, are unlikely to be received better on death.

I agree that there’s no such thing as “my inheritance” while the relative in question is still alive - it’s their money! Some people can be very grabby.

However, in my family, wills have caused heartache due to unexpected bequests.

Example 1 - the deceased had dementia for many years preceding her death, and many of her possessions had to be sold when she moved into residential care. After she died, her children read her will and were dismayed to find out that they had sold two items that their relative had intended to be heirlooms. The adult children felt sad and guilty that they couldn’t carry out their late mother’s wishes.

Example 2 - one sibling was cut out of his parents’ will completely, over a row that was apparently a storm in a teacup. The other siblings all chose to give him his share, but it must hurt.

Example 3 - three adult siblings lost their mother, father and stepmother in that order. They were included in their stepmother’s will, but left a much smaller proportion of her estate than they expected. They were surprised and disappointed as they thought they had a good relationship with their stepmother, and ended up contesting the will.

I think it's a bit naive to look down on financial planning and intra-familial communication about money, care and needs.

Maybe it's a cultural / social thing? My father was very open. I'm open with my DC. The last thing they'd need as bereaved young(ish) adults is a doozy of a surprise when they're going through the minefield of trying to execute a will.

Blatant greed, on the other hand, is just greed. Shitty behaviour is just that.

But a lot of just-a-bit-annoying behaviour can be headed off after one's death by the making of fair wills, not producing deliberately divisive ones for petty reasons; and communicating the contents to the wider family while also stressing care costs will inevitably and substantially diminish the estate.

My DGM told me what was in her will and why. She told me so that I could ensure her wishes were followed in case there were any contesting her will. She anticipated a particular person would contest as my DGM felt she needed to ensure my uncle we taken care of financially after she was gone as he has some significant health/mental issues and is also incapable of maintaining any relationships (no partner/spouse) hence the split between her children was not equal.

I know someone whose parents have a property business (limited company). It will be left to my friend and his father (now widower) has told my friend about this so that there is continuity of the business once he passes.

So yes, there are lots o various circumstances where talking about wills in advance is important and not crass at all.

Would have agreed with you until I saw it.

If a will is even, no need to discuss it. On the other hand, if a parent is financially favouring one child over another, I think they should explain why to all children,

You don’t want your last memory of a parent being that they gave you less, and never understanding why.

Yanbu however at times it does help to discuss things in advance I'm executer for my parents will and therefore they have discussed it with me.
I actually asked to not receive any inheritance as my sibling is awkward and I know there will be issues therefore I've decided it would be easier to not inherit (even though I'm on a low income).
I've also told them to go spend every penny enjoying themselves /providing care for themselves rather than struggle on to pass on inheritance. I think wills need to be discussed but not necessarily the contents eg one is made, a copy is in the house and original with xxx solicitors. Any more is up to the person who's will it is. Inheritance seems to bring out the ugly side to some people.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think the problem is that many people associate what they are or aren’t left in a will with that person’s love for or feelings about them. This, compounded with the jealousy and resentment and lifelong feeling of having to fight for an adequate share of parental love and attention so common between siblings (which I think we don’t properly recognise or talk about as a society) and you end up with the adult version of childhood squabbling over who has the biggest portion of cake or who got the most privileges or who was given the most attention.

Very wise. So true in many circumstances.

Yes it's quite shocking in some cases,. Over the years, I have witnessed some people in families, almost come to blows, about impending inheritances, well before a person has actually passed away.

I know a couple of different people, who actually left all their money to a favourite charity, as they were sick and tired of some family members, who often openly discussed how much they should inherit, as opposed to another family , all whilst the person was not yet dead. So a charity had all the money, and in one case, the persons home was left to a kindly long time carer of the person..

I dare say that some things about inheritances have to be discussed in a proper manner, when there are businesses and properties to sort out. But the money grabbing stories, are the ones that shock you.

Financial planning is good, especially if it's likely to be a life changing amount.

Equally, I was left out of a relative's will, and it was good to have that conversation while the person was alive, so that I knew why.

Your op is confused and garbled

Is you problem with wills being discussed as per your title

Or

Entitlement

The former is absolutely fine. And very sensible. And childishly naive of you to think otherwise.

The latter is very unappealing but there may well be extenuating circumstances as to why feel entitled

@AnneLovesGilbert

No one is entitled to inherit, of course you’re right. But financial planning is important and responsible and we’re all open about our wills in my family eg my mum asked my brother if she should include his step kids in hers and said it was up to him and his wife. I’m my dad and step mum’s financial POA so they’ve discussed their wishes with me. I’m my mum’s living will person. I’ve got step kids so we have comprehensive provisions for them and our shared one, all far too young to discuss it with but in time we will.

Transparency isn’t a bad thing. Grabbiness is.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think you have explained it better than I could.

I've actually been helping my dad sort out his will and he wanted to discuss it with me because he values my opinion.

I mainly told him that he needs to spend some money on himself now (he could start by getting rid of those manky joggers he insists on wearing)

If there's a business that needs tying up legally well before you become infirm. The home well parents may well downsize . Nursing home fees will eat up a lot of money unless they die before that point.

I don’t care what anyone puts in their will but depending what’s in it sometimes it is easier for those who are going to be involved in sorting things to have an idea what’s coming in advance!

Hmm. I’m going to get flamed for this. I think it depends on the family really. I come from a long line of inheriting inheritance (!) and my Mum and Gran and I have been able to live mortgage free and without any real money issues because we’ve all inherited from the previous generation. I am very lucky that I haven’t had to work since I was 32 because of this - although my life is complicated by having severe physical disabilities which actually means I would struggle to work even if I wanted to (I’m on the highest rates of Pip indefinitely). I have two dc who will go on to inherit from me again in the same way. I’d imagine if I suddenly decided to give it all to the dogs home or whatever they’d be pretty hurt and shocked! I think it’s reasonable to expect certain things happen in certain ways in families, and to have discussions about this. We discussed what was in my Mum and Grans wills, and they discussed what was in their parents I’m sure etc.

Inheriting isn’t always a good thing in many ways though. My Gran left me a house when I was younger and I had a couple of people try to get involved with me purely to try and get on the deeds (like my dds dad!) and swindle me out of money. I never wanted that for my own dc so I’ve been careful to tie up the money until I pass so they don’t have those kinds of issues.

Having been through the inheritance process twice with DH's side of the family and it being a nightmare due to no will/property abroad/difficult siblings I would say it's a really, really important thing to talk about.