To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

Some posters appear to be just wilfully ignoring the many people who are pointing out that lots of parents choose to talk to their children about their wills and what they may inherit. But no, - it's automatically grabby to even think about it or mention it...

I’ve tried to have a discussion with mil about ensuring the dc get anything that would come to their father. She is not ready to accept dh’s diagnosis and have that conversation

Dear God, what an awful thing for you to do.

I don't think it's crass or unreasonable to discuss who the Executors are, where the Will is stored, and whether or not a Will was updated after a significant event (death of spouse for instance).

I do think it's unreasonable to plan one's future in anticipation of funds from a deceased parent. I mean, yuk! Encourage parents to spend and enjoy the money they spent their lives earning - tell them to go on cruises and expensive holidays. Make sure they have a cleaner to help in the house, meals delivered from a good service - anything at all that will make their lives more pleasant. But don't hang around waiting on dead man's money.....

I do agree in the sense that you should feel entitled to anything from anyone. However, I do think will’s should be discussed between family. My dad has asked that we all sit down together and discuss his will as he’s just inherited from his late mother.

I think it’s healthier to have a conversation and lay everything on the table; who’s getting what and why.. than it is to die and everyone be left wondering what thought process went into it.

I work in this area (Estate Planning/Advising on making life financially easier for you/your family if seriously unwell or you die) and it is important to have a discussion around poa, who is executor of the will, have a handbook ready for where accounts/investments are held.

I honestly don't understand why it's so taboo in this country, we're all going to die at some point.

I had my mum a few month ago say tongue in cheek that she and my step dad were spending my I heritance on the garden with a new patio. My response was "good, it's your money spend it all while you can, make yourselves happy." She knows that all I would like is as they are comfortable we are not is for them to ensure there is enough left to deal with their funerals. I know that sounds morbid but unless in the meantime my finances improve I won't be able to pay for them. I also wouldn't likely be eligible either for state help.

@alwayswrighty

I work in this area (Estate Planning/Advising on making life financially easier for you/your family if seriously unwell or you die) and it is important to have a discussion around poa, who is executor of the will, have a handbook ready for where accounts/investments are held.

I honestly don't understand why it's so taboo in this country, we're all going to die at some point.

There’s a vast difference between that practical sort of discussion and the discussions some here have had, including getting their adult DC to offer opinions to a grandparent on bequests the grandparent had in their will, DILs having conversations with their MILs about what they expect to happen, people spending money on the assumption they’ll inherit in future etc. That is what people think is crass and awful.

@alwayswrighty

I work in this area (Estate Planning/Advising on making life financially easier for you/your family if seriously unwell or you die) and it is important to have a discussion around poa, who is executor of the will, have a handbook ready for where accounts/investments are held.

I honestly don't understand why it's so taboo in this country, we're all going to die at some point.

You are so right. Currently got elderly df staying. His memory is shocking and he's fallen two days running. I've explained we need a poa asap for his own security. Plus a shop full of mobility aids too now I think.

@sammylady37

I’ve tried to have a discussion with mil about ensuring the dc get anything that would come to their father. She is not ready to accept dh’s diagnosis and have that conversation

Dear God, what an awful thing for you to do.

I think this is a really bad take. The woman's husband has a life limiting condition and she's looking forward to widowhood and single motherhood. Those kids will need all the help they can get, and there's nothing to suggest that the MIL doesn't want to help them, just that she's too upset about her son's prognosis to want to update the will to reflect the fact that he might die (and presumably then as things stand his share would pass to his siblings, not his children).

I think you're being naive and discounting many possible complicated situations. For instance, abusive parents can use money to manipulate children and it raises powerful feelings. I don't know why you think you're the boss of everyone to proclaim that they can't talk through how they feel.

If you don't like the threads, don't read them. And if you've had a happy, loving family, think yourself lucky.

I agree OP but sadly, I think it is an example of how self-entitled we have become as a society. Everything revolves around our needs and wishes, and loved ones should aspire to meet these, even if it means a sacrifice to them.

I couldn't imagine discussing things with my parents. My dad is often keen to discuss his will and money, and I tell him that I really don't want to know, or care, that I want him to make the most of what he has worked very hard for. I too have worked hard to be financially comfortable and even though I dream most days about early retirement, I know it's not a due, and certainly not one from my parents.

Thank you anycrispsleft. I appreciate the empathy.

I won't have a business if my parents leave their farm to the cats home instead of me!

You perhaps ought to have made your own way in life rather than end up in that kind of set up.

I'm reminded of the immortal words of Henry II in the play Lion in Winter.

I deny you! None of you will get my crown, I leave you nothing and I wish you plague!

I'd feel like that towards someone who thought they had any claim on my money before I was even gone.

I think this is a really bad take. The woman's husband has a life limiting condition and she's looking forward to widowhood and single motherhood. Those kids will need all the help they can get, and there's nothing to suggest that the MIL doesn't want to help them, just that she's too upset about her son's prognosis to want to update the will to reflect the fact that he might die (and presumably then as things stand his share would pass to his siblings, not his children

Well no, if a beneficiary dies before the testator and the will isn’t subsequently updated, then the beneficiary’s share would pass to his children, not his siblings.

I understand what the woman in question was trying to do but still think it was an awful thing to do. The MIL is facing the prospect of losing her son, which everyone acknowledges is awful and against the natural order. And while that news is still raw and unprocessed, the DIL. arrives along to ‘have a conversation’ about the inheritance she expects for her kids. IMO it was ill-judged and likely to have been most unwelcome. I’m not dismissing the awfulness of the situation thr DIL is in but that doesn’t excuse her actions, IMO.

(I await the emotive ‘god forbid a widowed mother would want to provide for her children’ response, but from my reading that’s not what this situation is about, there isn’t an immediate pressure, it’s about the future not the here and now, and IMO it’s placing a burden on the mil that isn’t hers to carry. Am prepared to be accused of being heartless though)

Actually it was part of a conversation initiated by MIL in which she was asking some very invasive questions about our legal and financial arrangements.

Of me please note, not her son!

And what happens depends on the wording of the will.

As a pp said, entitlement, not discussion, is the problem. No one has a right to expect to inherit. But i have no problem with transparency. Our adult children have copies of DH and my wills which leave our estate to each other, and after we're both gone, share everything equally between our children. The only reason I might not want to be transparent is if I was treating my children inequitably, which I absolutely would not do

I don’t really understand why we need to be coy about it. My DS and DSS know they will inherit from us, they know we have a will. My DH is executor to PILs will. Financial inequalities between generations have made inheritance more prevalent and more relevant. What I don’t understand is when people disinherit their own children and grandchildren when there is no animosity between them. There is no way I would do that to my children.

@vivainsomnia

I agree OP but sadly, I think it is an example of how self-entitled we have become as a society. Everything revolves around our needs and wishes, and loved ones should aspire to meet these, even if it means a sacrifice to them.

I couldn't imagine discussing things with my parents. My dad is often keen to discuss his will and money, and I tell him that I really don't want to know, or care, that I want him to make the most of what he has worked very hard for. I too have worked hard to be financially comfortable and even though I dream most days about early retirement, I know it's not a due, and certainly not one from my parents.

I don't know your dad, but maybe he is keen to discuss it because it makes him feel good, feeling like he is taking care of his child and has "done the right thing" by you?

In terms of having knowledge about arrangements made its quite silly and a bit head in the sand not to be aware. I've worked with adult elderly a huge amount and the amount of families that make all their lives harder because they think its morbid or tacky to discuss practicalities is high.

A sensible conversation when it is appropriate is a good thing. Due to recent illness I have had the will discussion, POA and DNAR /Advance directive discussions with my DP. Not in an effort to gain anything but because I can support them through the practicalities. I couldn't give two hoots if I were to recieve nothing , its not my money, never was and its irrelevant who they leave it to. However I have supported so many distressed people at end of life that practical conversations are better had before things go downhill.

When things start to decline its emotive and distressing and not the time to be having to consider things like wills etc just after death. At least having an understanding, such as whether a funeral is paid for , requirements , access to bank accounts is important and being too delicate or polite to discuss them makes life harder.

All that said , no-one is entitled to any form of money or asset from a will. Its horrendous to challenge a will and genuinely says a lot about who you are. The money is not yours unless someone else chooses to give it to you and if you can't figure out how to stand on your own two feet , someone else's will is not the answer.

In reply to a question asked earlier..not good at doing the names.
I am in lreland. Government give a pension to women who were at home all their married life so made no contributions. However you are only allowed to get it if you need it. Hence..if you have savings..you shouldn't get it. Quite an unfair systems as a lot of older people are very frugal and save for care etc but then when you die they check and wham bang!!..take your pension back out of savings. So no need for your dad to worry as he contributed to his pension so its his to do as he will. Not sure what the system is in the UK.
Only using it as an example of how talking about things is sometimes useful provided there is no grabbing involved!

@Nietzschethehiker excellent post

It depends on the family I think.

I have no idea what's in my Mum's will and I'd never ask, she doesn't discuss things like that.

My Dad on the other hand is very open and wants me to know that X and Y will be mine when he dies. Is not gross or crass to him and I don't bring it up, but I do know whats in his will because he has told me. He has also gone to lengths to make sure if he ever remarried it would remain protected for me (in trust). It's important to him that I know that 🤷‍♀️

I always find these threads very interesting. Especially coming from families like mine, where inheritance just isn't a thing.

I do find people talking about 'their' share a bit crass. Nobody is owed anything and most people have to make their own way in the world.

I once worked with a girl who said she was opting out of the work pension scheme because she was hoping 'Mummy and Daddy would leave her something' so she didn't want to waste her time saving for her own pension.

The entitlement is astounding.