To think no-one needs to be discussing anyone else’s will before they’re actually dead?

[AlternativePerspective]

Thread after thread after thread on here from posters pissed off over what they’re apparently not going to inherit and how they’ve been hard done to.

Why do people seem to think they’re entitled to inherit anything? Especially before the person is even dead.

I honestly have no idea what’s in my parents’ will, I’m guessing they will have divided up their money between me and my sibling, but it’s their money, and frankly the idea of wanting to know where it might be going once they’re dead is surely incredibly crass.

Personally I hope they spend it, and I find it sad that anyone doesn’t have all the things they could in life just so they can make provision for their children in death.

Personally if my child behaved like some here do about my money when I’m gone I would see to it that he didn’t get a penny.

No-one is entitled to anyone else’s money, and the sense of entitlement says far more about the entitled than the giver.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Would have agreed with you until I saw it.

If a will is even, no need to discuss it. On the other hand, if a parent is financially favouring one child over another, I think they should explain why to all children,

You don’t want your last memory of a parent being that they gave you less, and never understanding why.

I agree with this.

I'm from a large family and happen to know my parents don't have a will from a conversation we had recently when someone died and it wasn't clear if their young relative who lived with them was then going to be homeless.
They said surely no one would kick out young relative, I said it depends who inherits the house and their situation.

If my parents don't make a will (and assuming have not sold the house to pay for care) there will be complications.
If they do make a will and it's seen as unfair, there will be even more complications.

There is already resentment due to perceived unequal treatment. Objectively one sibling (not me) has received vastly more financial help than the rest, my view is that they needed it due to their situation, but other siblings not totally in agreement, and I can see why they think that.

I wish my parents would sort it out and have conversations before it's too late because the last thing any of us need when grieving is to have tension over money.

Financial planning is essential for every family. Saying otherwise is daft.

I can’t help but notice that for every greedy relation, there’s a manipulative oldster dangling their boomer wealth at poorer younger generations.

The most important thing is to state where the will is!

I think they should be discussed - who you appoint as executors and so on, especially if they're not next of kin or obvious choices. Whether you want to be buried, cremated or leave your body to science.

If your children aren't adults, how will you provide for them, would future guardians be happy to take on that role? If you have a child who won't ever be able to live independently, how will they be cared for? Are other people involved okay with that?

If there's a family business, what will happen to that? I don't think anyone should be planning things on the basis that they will inherit a fortune - but if you worked 3 decades in a family firm and then get nothing when your parents died, most people would feel rightly hacked off at that.

And people should make wills. It should make it easier for those who are left behind.

I know what’s in my mum’s will and where all her files etc are as I’m her executor. DB doesn’t know details and is happy not to know! I think it depends on the family and also what your role might be after a death eg executing the will.

I can't believe how grabby people were. When my great aunt died (who had been out of contact with my dad for many years) she very generously left money to my ds (who she had met as when she was back in touch with dad I had taken him down a couple of times) and my brothers ds (brother, sil, child had never met or spoken to aunt). My brother kicked off because they were thinking about having another child and it wasn't fair

Agree completely, it's vile.

@Ariela

The most important thing is to state where the will is!

There is a brilliant service now in the UK. It is a registration process for any will, and any solicitor's firm should register any new will with it. I think it is called 'certainty'. It's free, and it does not disclose the contents of the will, it just identifies where the will is being held. So if a relative dies and you have no idea if a will even exists or where it might be you can ask any solicitor to do a search and it will tell you the date when the will was registered and which firm it is held by. very useful indeed.

My parents have always loved talking about their will and bring it up at every available opportunity. Everyone’s family is different.

People really are truly awful

More so when it is there husbands / Wife’s parents’ Will

The sense of entitlement some people have to other peoples money (especially on MN) never ceases to amaze and disgust me. It’s so hard for me to fathom. The childish, foot-stamping cries of “it’s not faaaaair”, (newsflash: it doesn’t have to be fair) and the talk of plans made on foot of expected inheritance now having to change, the manipulative threats of withdrawing care and contact unless the will meets their approval etc, I find it all abhorrent and it would make me really think twice about someone’s character to see that behaviour.

And I say this as someone who knows her mother’s will favours one sibling over all others- I don’t know why this is the case, though I have my suspicions as to why, but I have never asked my mother about it and will never do so. I accept that it’s her money and house to do as she pleases with.

I knew what was in my parents' wills (I was an executor). My husband knew what was in his mother's and aunt's wills (he was the executor).
We have told our children what is in our wills. I have also told one of my sisters what is in mine, as she is a reserve executor.

Obviously it doesn't stop us changing them, and we have no idea how much we will have left when we die or how much might have to go in care home fees. But it seems sensible to us to be clear about our intentions so that there are no misunderstandings and no surprises.

I know what was in my Mum and step fathers will and sorted out the latter when he died.

I am very uncomfortable that my husband is an executor of his Mum’s will which she refuses to show to him or his brother who is the other executor. She has form for being rather nasty and I am sure there are a few spiteful slights in there.

Some people like discussing wills, much like discussing funeral plans with those who will be actually making those arrangements or talking about certain items to pass on. One of the first conversations I had with my spouse's grandparents, I complimented a picture on the wall and was told 'oh, that's going X when we die, but there is a similar one upstairs', followed by discussing other items around the room that were already earmarked for others after their deaths. I never responded to that, I was just the girlfriend at that point, but that picture and a set of watercolour art they did are now in my house because she earmarked them for me after things I had said.

Yes, some people use their own will to control others and some people get mardy over other people's wills, but I don't see that as a reason for no one should discuss wills and for some people there is a need if family situations arise - my immigration sparked a few conversations on it. It legally adds complications and put barriers to communication with some relatives who didn't use the internet, worried about the cost of international calls and felt those who had my email wouldn't pass things on (which was true).

If we use people being assholes as an reason certain topics aren't needed to be discussed, it's going to cut out a few more things, isn't it? There isn't much need to discuss much, doesn't mean we shouldn't.

I agree that it's pretty crass however I do think certain discussions should be had with parents over inheritance situations - I have suggested certain things to my parents to protect assets and also advised them to seek legal advice about their estate after death - eg I'd rather they set up trusts etc to prevent mine or siblings spouses having a claim over their inheritance in the event of a future divorce etc. Also protecting either parent in the event one dies first and then the other remarrying/assets leaving the family

(I know someone who was widowed in their 60s, In their 70s they met a younger partner and remarried.....they didn't protest assets from the first marriage....the second spouse inherited the lot and disinherited the deceased first children and all the family assets went to the "new" spouses children and was lost to the "original" family)

It would feel like the final view from the deceased on their relationship with others.

FWIW I had a copy of my parents wills - which was invaluable when they passed away as it meant I could just get on with dealing with stuff as executor and dig out the originals from their home at a later date. I also hold wills for all my siblings and my uncle as I am executor for them - I clearly know who they are leaving their estates to. Our wills are held by a solicitor but we have been clear with our close family what they say.

Better to know upfront than have one last, spiteful insult thrown in your face, as has happened to a few people I know. If you're going to not do things fairly, that's your choice, but don't be too cowardly/vicious to tell your children or whoever upfront, and don't pretend like that shouldn't make a difference about feelings.

I know what's in my parent's will, its very equal, and I've told them to spend the lot if they can, so this isn't me being bitter or grabby or anything else.

Looking at it from the other angle, I do think I there are a fair number people who use their will to try and manipulate their family - and based on some of the threads on here it works. I have an elderly relative who is forever updating their will depending on who has pissed them off this week or who they feel needs to go down in the family estimations. Honestly though none of us care, we're all doing ok in life and would rather this person left it all to an animal shelter and stopped being a nob, it's all very attention seeking. If any of the rest of the family were inclined even slightly towards drama then this might be a good tactic to stir things up - as it is we all just let it wash over us.

I'd argue the opposite that it's good for everyone involved to know in advance.

Will's can be the source of many family schisms, in part because people are hurt/confused about the bequests and without access to the person who could have explained their decisions.

It's not always about money/people being greedy. For a lot of people it can about feeling less considered or less valued.

In other situations people feel penalised for living a good life and making prudent decisions whilst feckless siblings are rewarded because parents are trying to level them up.

For others there can be suspicious that someone has been unduly influenced by one party or didn't fully understand the ramifications of their bequests.

You're right in the sense, you shouldn't assume you'll inherit anything and ultimately people can leave money to whom they wish.

But the idea that it's not worth talking about in advance is something I don't agree with.

I think it's important to talk about it so you can understand their wishes.

We have blended families on all sides which complicates things. All parents (except my dad) actively discuss their wills with us for various reasons.

For example FIL is concerned that my step siblings (Step-MIL's children) feel an entitlement to money FIL brought into the marriage (as in they've mentioned it) and he doesn't want them to get any significant amount of that so the will is structured in a certain way that means in theory DBIL and DH could evict Step-MIL from the family home. Because of this FIL has explained and had their assurance they will give S-MIL lots of time to adjust (she will have enough to get a reasonable place and give an inheritance to her children, just probably not what my step-siblings are hoping for). They've made it very clear to FIL they'd prefer he spent it all on cruises but it's important to him to give a legacy.

DM (and Step-dad) on the other hand are splitting everything equally amongst all children (so five ways) and they explained this years ago because a major part of the pot is the home I grew up in when DM was a single parent. I'm glad they did because I did see it as DM's house but knowing in advance and the reasoning has made me understand it as completely reasonable. I might have taken it as having more meaning than it did if I'd only found out after she died.

I wish my dad would talk about it - another blended family (with step siblings where he has been in their lives since very young) as there's a property that is likely to be hard to sell with significant ongoing costs and I'm not sure how we'll deal with it (I'd hate to have to sell it for a rock bottom price to the ongoing costs because it would feel insulting to my dad's memory).

In none of these cases do I care how much we're getting. Contrary to some others, I don't plan for these inheritances at all - it could all go in care fees and if that means someone has a more comfortable end of life, that's where I want it to go. If they want to spend it all on tea cosies, again fine. I do want to make sure wishes are respected though. My parents are good decent people - if my dad is actually splitting it so my step-siblings get 90% there will be a good reason. BUT I'd prefer to know that now than after his death when I will probably always worry that actually it was because I had upset her or she loved them more.

Couldn't agree more, it's in very poor taste. No one has a right to anyone else's money. I hope to leave something for my children but I hope when the time comes they'll be sad to lose me and not thinking about what they're going to get!

Excellent post derigeurmortis

Poor taste to discuss the contents and expect anything. Not poor taste to ensure a will has been made, and make one yourself if you have not already done so.

I think it's a bit precious to shy away from discussing wills, tbh. But my family has always been quite pragmatic about them.

I was executor for my father's will, and knew well in advance that one sibling was going to be excluded. I knew where the will was, and the accompanying documentation disclosing the reason for the exclusion. It meant I was prepared for any difficulty when the time came.

I was supposed to be executor for my mother too, but chose to decline, for various reasons. And despite all of us knowing the basic contents of her will, and (supposedly) where it was, when it came to it, that will was nowhere to be found. We spent a lot of time contacting the will registration service, local solicitors, her bank- nothing. In the end, we had to declare her intestate and appoint an executor (and what a bad move that was, as our choice of solicitor has been unbelievably useless!).

At the very least, everyone should tell someone exactly where their will is. Not to do so means untold difficulty for those left behind.

Only child here. A lot of time is spent inheritance tax planning with financial advisors and tax accountants and I am in on those meetings.
I agree with whoever said this is better sorted in advance of the death so you can grieve with no confused emotions.