Grandparents providing childcare

[Miggins]

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

Sadly my mil isn't responsible enough to help with the kids - she doesn't make very good decisions and in even minor situations we wouldn't trust her judgement. My fil lives too far away and isn't keen on kids. And my family all live in America - they love the kids and are brillant with them, but obviously too far away to help.....SO - if you have a willing grandparent that you can't use, that you would trust to no end then send them my way - I would love the help!

I feel very lick after reading some of the posts as my parents are wonderful.They will look after my children at the drop of a hat and sometimes I worry that I may take advantage of that but I desperately try not to.I will say though that they get an enormous satisfaction looking after them all and now have a wonderful relationship with them and they all love them both dearly. Its that old saying you get back from kids what you put in to it.I will however never get complacent.

Sorry my message should say I feel very lucky.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I had exactly the same problem with my parents (it has got better but not as good as I would want).

My main grievance is/was they had my grandparents chomping at the bit to look after us, they had us for countless weekends, took us on numerous 2 week holidays and had us to stay lots in the school holidays.

My parents must have had a ball all the free time they had. And they lived 30 minutes away (in the 70's that was quite far) and both my grandparents worked. So not your not being unreasonable. Sometimes life just aint fair. Wait until they need nursing in their old age - tell em you don't want to ha ha!

Tinybird have you realised you have started an AIBU thread - i presume- by mistake!!

If your mums said no then she said no...simple as. Not giving you a hard time as I know myself good trustworthy childcare is hard to find and as a good mum you want to be reasurred your child is safe and in a positive atmosphere while your at work. Work on her again however if she is determined not to do it you will have to find other alternatives.

My parents do nothing, which is just as well. My mum has Alzheimer's so I would never ever consider leaving my 3 and 9 months old with her.
As for my father: My father dropped by baby boy on the table when he was only 3 months old. My father has arthritis. My father was holding my baby boy when he wiggled whilst my father was grappling with the dummy. My father's hands give way and my little boy's head hit the table hard. This was at a restaurant and the sound of his head hitting the table made the place go silent. My little boy screamed the place down but seemed all right a few moments later. My little boy is in rude health now but as far as I'm concerned, that incident was a warning sign not to leave my children with my father. I don't even let my father hold my son even today.

My father in law is 74 and has very slow reactions. My mother in law is excellent - the best. However, her time is spent looking after her husband and her daughter (my sister-in-law) who is forever getting in trouble.

So as you can see, I don't get any help whatsoever. I do it all myself and I prefer it that way.

Good point zxcvbn. If I hadn't worked, I would still have wanted my dcs to attend nursery part time because I think a good quality nursery and interaction with other children and adults has a positive effect on the child's emotional, social and intellectual development. In fact, when I worked and had two dcs in nursery, my take home pay was only marginally more than my childcare costs, so in effect, I was working for 2 reasons - mainly to provide intellectual stimulation for me and keep up with my career, and secondly, to provide an excellent pre school experience for my kids that i wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford.
NumberSix - I think your post is a really honest and open description of how to manage such a situation. You obviously had an arrangement that worked well in many ways, but it's now time to move on from that and it sounds as if you're all managing it brilliantly.

There are an awful lot of people on here who do get help but seem to be giving you a hard time Miggins. I'm with you, after spending a year seeing DGD twice a week on her days off I assumed that my mum would want to have her for maybe a half day a week once I went back. I was stunned as the time came nearer and there was no offer. That might sound greedy but as a a lot of people have (grand)parents who do FT childcare, I don't think it is a lot to ask. I totally get where you're coming from and if I were you I would just ask. I did in the end as I was so amazed that my mum was going to go from twice weekly visits to nothing and I phrased it that way, that I wanted to give her the option of an afternoon a week before I arranged alternative childcare. I always said I would never ask but I don't regret doing it as at least it was out in the open.

im not sure if YBU as my parents are fantastic and would look after my ds anytime at all but it hurts me that my dps parents never visit or even phone to ask how ds is doing,(my ds has medical condition) it annoys me so much as they see their other 2 grandchildren every single day!! i think they should make more effort to treat all their grandchildren fairly!!

I am blessed, my mother can't understand why I
ant to go back to work part time and said that she'll look after DD while I work full time, but (a) I want to see as much as my DD as I can (b) my mum isn't very young. That's how we do in my family, my grandmother and aunts looked after us and my cousins.

I can appreciate that when people retire that they don't want to spend too much time looking after grandchildren, but if you can't rely on family to help out at least every now and then (and it's reciprocal), who can you rely on?

ant = want

Though understanding the OPS frustration, I would urge her to appreciate what her parents can do and are willing to do for her- you'll enjoy them so much better if you concentrate on that and make other plans for the childcare.

I am someone whose parents and ILs for various reasons have not been able to help with regular childcare, but even if they had been able and not willing, I would never have dreamt of holding that against them, or of underappreciating all the wonderful things they have done and are doing for my children, just because there was one thing they didn't do. Nor would I refuse to help them if it was in my power. I just can't forget how much my parents did for me when I was little and how much kindness my ILs have shown me. After the wonderful childhood the gave me, they don't owe me anything, I owe them lots. Besides, I don't want my children to grow up thinking of life as a constant game of tit-for-tat.

As for all the people who go on about disintegration of society and how things were different in the olden days, how much history have you read? I've done a degree in history and also done some genealogy, and nothing I've read seems to tally with this rosy picture. The industrial revolution, the agricultural slumps of the 19th and 20th century, the depression- do you suppose those things did not make people move around and lose touch with the older generation? My parents employed a childminder (in the 60s) to spare their parents, and then moved far away from them when I was little=so no chance of childminding. My grandparents (20s and 30s)lived far away from their parents= no childminding (my grandma gave up her job instead). My greatgrandparents (1890s) again moved away from their parents. And come to think of it, there have been moves in virtually every generation going back to the 17th century. Not an unusual story either- when food is scarce and families large, most of the children do need to be prepared to move out. There are also some horror stories about dysfunctional families as you go back in time- parents and grandparents who loathed each other, serious problems with drinking and social adjustment, exactly the sort of thing that everyone keeps going on about as typical of today's society. In fact, we seem to have got a lot more family-orientated in the last 100 years.

I do find it a bit offensive that it's so permissible to pitch into a grandparent and assume that they are uncaring because they won't make a sacrifice, but if I did the same about a Mum, claimed that she doesn't care about her child because she won't give up her career, then I'd get flamed. To me, my parents' chance of finally doing things they have dreamt of before they get too frail, is as precious as my own career; I would not dream of asking them to sacrifice their dream to mine. After all, I have more years left to fulfill mine. And I can't forget that they were always ready to sacrifice their dreams to my needs when I was little- I want them to have them now before it is too late.

just to add my granparents lived in spain for 6 months of the year for around 20 years- however they soon discovered that in Spain it's the children who look after you in old age (no NHS), so what did they do?

sell their spanish home, move back and rely on NHS/my parents!

nothing, and i mean nothing can replace care from your family, even if it's just a visit every week and shopping done.

I would love some Grandperenting advice from anybody!
I look after my grandaughter whenever I can ...She is very well behaved / helpful/angelic- when she is with me
We have fun , play all kinds of made up games ,and have a great relationship.....but when she has to go home with either parent she often turns into Demon Child!!!!!
She wingers,misbehaves , refuses to put her outdoor clothes on and is generally a Pain to wave goodbye to
We have talked about this behaviour and she promises not to repeat it....but. As soon as parents walk in -- she is crying within 5 minutes
What to do anyone.?
How Do we solve a problem likeMaria?
Commonsensefifty

It's either something they do or don't want to do, there doesn't seem to be anything in between. My next door neighbours have their grandson a couple of days/nights each week. They absolutely love it and see it as a privilege.

Unfortunately, I think it just depends on the GP OP.

Zombie thread!

Commonsensefifty, you need to start a new thread

No, I don't think YAbu.
1 afternoon a week?

What about.....
Aibu to not take my elderly mother to her day centre 1day a week (I don't work and am fit and healthy)?

My husband and I look after our two year old grandson one day a week whilst our DD works. When she became pregnant, we offered the one day, on the understanding that we would still be able to go off on our holidays twice a year, etc., and this has worked very well for us. To be honest, we think it is a privilege to help out with him. Both my DM and my husband's DM died before we were married and we never had any help from the rest of the family as they lived many miles away.

We are about to start having my DS's daughter later this year - we are having her on a different day so that we can give her as much attention as we do to our GS.

Op, I am sorry your mum won't help out - it doesn't sound much to me and I am not surprised that you are hurt that she won't.

My SIL and DB at 65 had their GD from when their DD returned to work full time after mat leave. They loved doing it and were both retired.

Our parents were of the era of 'you make your bed you lie in it.' We had no help with child care or financial help.

But to refuse to child-mind for one afternoon a week with a 1 and 3 year-old these days seems very mean.

This thread is 6 years old!

The child in question is probably doing his GCSEs now.