Grandparents providing childcare

[Miggins]

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

I can see why the OP might feel hurt but not wanting to provide childcare and not wanting to see the grandchildren are two totally separate things.

My MIL loves DS but wouldnt entertain having him whilst I worked. I would never dream of asking her, she has raised her own children and should enjoy her retirement and not have to worry about raising/looking after more children.

As for the comments that if they dont look after grandchildren then they should make their own arrangements for care when they need it, I am shocked. Its not enough to want to look after them having bought you into the world and raised you??

I lost my mum at age 10 so only have MIL. When we decided to have DS I did so knowing DH and I would be totally responsible for him and that if I wished to carry on working I would have to arrange appropriate childcare.

Yes, lovely if family offers to help with childcare but it should never be expected. At least your mum is still here and your children have a granny, instead of moaning over 2.5 hours maybe you should be grateful for what you have.

I am utterly amazed at the number of people who think that grandparents should not only agree to be unpaid carers, but that they should also be ludicrously happy to be as such. It's barking. If somebody offers and is happy, all well and good. If not just lump it and make other plans because you have absolutely nothing to be upset about other than your own lack of planning.

Agnes

Portonovo - thank you for your sane and sensible posts. You have explained very clearly a viewpoint which I share - that many grandparents love their granchildren and enjoying spending time with them but still don't necessarily want to commit to taking sole charge during regular time slots. I cannot believe that some people find this selfish! Let grandparents be grandparents - most of them are fantastic! I am hugely grateful to my parents for being the wonderful inspirational people they are - but I would never make assumptions that they will provide free childcare for me.

My lovely MIL looked after nephew (DD's son) one full day a week. She clearly wanted to do this but, as he was not in good health, felt it quite a responsibility. She was very apologetic when our DS1 came along and said she didn't feel she could commit to another day a week to even things up. However, she insisted on paying a day's nursery fees "in lieu" as it were. I went through the "oh no, you don't have to" routine, but was over-ruled by DH who said "yes please!" straightaway. Our understanding with MIL was always that we should always ask, and if she could, she would, and if she couldn't, she'd say. So we always knew where we were. And now, I want to cry again, because she died in May and I miss her so much..........

clam, that's sad, but lovely that you had such a great relationship with your MIL.

Thanks, inthegutter.

I have always thought tho that when you have children you are also having grandchildren- you are creating more than just your own little unit. I know when mine are mums/dads having their children for an afternoon a week will be some i will look forward to. Yes, i will work fulltime then i'm sure, but it's the circle of life ooh that sounds cheesy!!

I just feel that on the whole us mums have to cope alone, when our parents/grandparent/greatgrandparents had that community spirit where they lived close enough to help.

Im not eulogizing the past in any way, but that's for the majority of people that way life was. To get to the stage we are at now where grandparents wont have their dgc for a couple of hours a week is such a shame.

well my mil is here and she is happy to look after my son. she lives alone and likes to get involved. guess some like it some don't.

I dont think the op is being unreasonable to feel hurt. Im only 30 so perhaps not "qualified" but as far as im concerned, my responsibility to my kids is for life which I hope will extend to my grandkids (there's a frightenening thought!). It doesn't matter how old they are, I will always help them as much as I can. Thats not in a "spoiling mummy's little angels, still be wiping your bum when you're 25 kind of way" but im sure if I was fit and healthy I would have no problem with looking after my grandkids for a few hours a week. I wouldn't want to feel I was "expected" to, but I dont think the op "expects" her mum to. I think my opinion is in the minority but it just wouldn't occur to me to say no.

My nan looked after me while my mum worked and we both loved the time we spent together. I remember my nan as always being old if you see what I mean. She wasn't a younger mum and neither was my mum so nan was no spring chicken when I came along. However, she certainly wasn't frail or put on (no-one would dare put on my nan she'd have given them what for!). My nan was a hard lady, she took no crap, and it was tough love at times, but right up until she died her family was paramount. She would have done anything for any of us if she thought it would benefit us and she loved to take care of her grandkids.

I had more respect for that woman than anyone ive ever met, I really miss her. She had a hard life but no matter what it threw at her, she got up, dusted herself off and carried on, her sense of family never wavered. My relationship with her was one of my best memories and even now keeps me going when im having a tough time.

Sorry...complete ramble towards the end...just needed to say lovely things about my nan

that's nice scruffyteddy

Bet you gave to her just as much as you got scruffy

ScruffyTeddy you don't think the OP "expects" her mum to childmind, and yet the OP says "... that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable". She also says she feels "hurt that my mum does not want to look after my two children aged 1 and 3" on a regular basis.

In what sense is that not expecting her mum to help?

OP I think you ARE being unreasonable. Your mum remembers what hard work it is and doesn't want to take on the responsibility. If she took on the responsibility and then let you down, that would be worse, wouldn't it? You say she is fit, but there is fit and there is fit to look after children. Only she can be the judge of how fit she is and she may not wish to share her complete medical details with you. It is a young woman's game, toddler minding.

Yes many grandmothers do help out in this way. They are providing a bonus, over and above the call of duty.

there are 7 afternoons in a week and the OP is asking for help for just ONE!! surely that's not too much, what 3 or 4 hours in a whole week?

YANBU. IMHO one afternoon a week is not asking too much. Maybe she doesn't want to be tied down though. Would it mess up your work if she was sick / on holiday? Do you have back up childcare?

Why on earth wouldn't grandparents want to help a little bit?! My parents are bloody fantastic and I am utterly grateful for it.

I never expected the GPs to help when mine were small - but then they were either too far away/ dead/in poor health.

yanbu, she is.

There is help with childcare for lone parents Starlight, regardless of the availability of grandparents.

Well I knew a divorced mother of one who was able to go to university and do a 4 year course, childcare paid in full - but she only started once the child started school. Also knew another woman who had given up the world for love, as it were, after A levels, had 2 kids and did childminding so that she could afford to be at home with them. She would have like to resume her education once her younger child started school, but could not afford either the childcare or the loss of income from childminding. Then she got pg again by accident ....

If she had divorced her husband after the first two kids, she could have had the free childcare like the first mother I mentioned.

I still think the fact of whether it's one,two or five afternoons is not the point! Grandparents can love their grandchildren and show support, encouragement, care etc in all sorts of ways without it having to become a formalised arrangement. I fully intend to be an involved and loving granny if and when my dcs eventually reproduce, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll want to be their childminder. Yes, the OP does say she thinks her mother is being unreasonable, so she clearly does expect this help as a right,rather than seeing it as a bonus

I still think the fact of whether it's one,two or five afternoons is not the point! Grandparents can love their grandchildren and show support, encouragement, care etc in all sorts of ways without it having to become a formalised arrangement. I fully intend to be an involved and loving granny if and when my dcs eventually reproduce, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll want to be their childminder. Yes, the OP does say she thinks her mother is being unreasonable, so she clearly does expect this help as a right,rather than seeing it as a bonus

but inthegutter in this particular the fact that it is one afternoon per week is the point. And for the OP to do what? Have her hair done? Have 'me' time? Go to the gym? No. It's to work. So it has to be a formalised arrangement doesnt it.

I think the OP's mum should be supporting her daughter to work, whilst getting the benefit of seeing dgc a few hours a week

We don't know the reason why she doesn't feel able to commit to this. As other posts have suggested, there could be all kinds of legitimate reasons. The OP has no duty to 'support' her daughter to work. The daughter can use a CM or nursery and go out to work without it becoming an issue.