Grandparents providing childcare

[Miggins]

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

What will the grandmother's position on a commitment to regular care be when she's elderly and frail and in need of care herself?

Obviously it's the grandmother's life and she's completely free to not want to make a binding agreement to help with childcare, but really, as expat says, extended families generally function better as a unit. If I were the OP, I certainly wouldn't be volunteering for bum-wiping duty when this woman is 90. I'd wave her off with a bright "Sorry! I can't make a regular commitment to you! Don't want to be tied down, I'm sure you understand."

One afternoon a week is not a huge ask.

I dont think you are being unreasonable but it depends on your family and how they function.

I am part of a small but close family.When my sister and I were children by mum worked part time and was able to take us and pick us up from school.My dads parents who were in early sisties at time and retired looked after us in the school holidays and we used to go for tea every Friday and went on two holidays with them every year for five days at a time.When we had our summer holiday they came with my mum and dad too.

Now my dad is in same postion,early sisties and newly retired.My mum sadly died several years ago.I have always paid for childcare for my dd but when she started school in Sept I was worried about after 3.30-6 as I work Mon-Thurs. I did not want to use after school as I feel that 5 full days are enough for her but did not have a choice.My dad however just took it for granted that he would pick her up and give her tea till I got home. I discussed it with him and he said he was looking forward to it. I am 40 weeks pg and tbh over the last few weeks dh and i would not have managed without him as my dh works 2-10 and dad has been helping me out after school as I have been unwell (being induced tomorrow hence why up now)

Again though dad is very much part of this family and we holiday together. I suppose being a close unit does help.

Expat you are now having a go at inthegutter for something she didn't say! Desiderata was the one who talked about you moving away from your family, which actually I think is irrelevant as you do. You clearly have a very sound reason for having made the break and I respect you for that.
But I still think defending your racism by just saying 'is that the best you can do' is pretty weak. Because your comment WAS RACIST. You say the white british people have their own kids and then clear off and put their feet up, sink or swim, implying that as a race, they are less caring and committed parents. I bet your life if any other poster made such comments about another racial group they'd be reported.

Expat - nowhere do I criticise you for having moved away from your family, so maybe you need to read people's posts more thoroughly! I think it's your business where you live. I don't live near my extended family either. I'm still really shocked that you resort to racism to put your point of view across. To make a sweeping generalisation that an entire ethic group are less committed to parenting is offensive. But clearly you have no intention of responding to that - you'd rather slag me off for something I never said! Interesting!

It is sad but not the end of the world. I have only ever used paid childcare, not GPs despite their offers. I want the GPs to be around as family, and to do the occassional special care, not the week in, week out stuff, as this is such a big commitment. I also want control over childcare, and invariably thats harder when its done by family.

Good luck finding the chilcare you need.

I know someone's father who offered to have the child one day a week. Not so long after the arrangement started he found out that his father had hired a nanny for that day to help him.... not that that was a problem but it was quite funny. If my daughters now had a child and they needed help with the care I hope I could help in some way but that would more likely being using the nanny who helps with the twins for the same purpose. I would love to have a close relationship with the grandchildren when they come but it would not be doing childcare which is hard work at any age and I avoided for my 5 during the week on a regular basis. A lot of older people want the freedom to travel or just to have no commitments at all having worked all their lives.

Another issue is age. There are only 22 years between my oldest and me so yes I'm perfectly fit enough to help if she had children now but for women who have their children when they are nearly 40 it's different. My parents had us when they were about 33 - 37 and my brotehr had his children around the age of 40. The effect of that is that grandparents are either dead or have dementia (which is our family situation now).

it's not nice, but at least it isn't like my household where mil hapily takes neice for the day every week, takes her shopping for clothes and trips out. when my children hardly see her at all.

but, hey you can't make people want to look after them can you?

at least my MIL is consistant

she's got no interest in my kids (only grandkids too) and never has

There was never any question for me that any of the grandparents would be looking after our children. My mum still works, my dad will be 78 by the time I go back to work in May, and my MIL lives too far up a horrendously busy in rush hour road. Besides, we want them to be grandparents!

My MIL, on the other hand, thinks that it is her "duty" to look after our DD: we don't want her to. She's too far away, has a dog that she insists on taking for 10 walks a day. She's also really quite unreliable and often ill But then she totally disagrees with me going back to work - that's a whole other story!

I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable, as others have said, but I really do understand your disappointment - sorting out childcare is not very much fun (we booked a nursery place when I was five months' pregnant!). I hope you get it sorted.

I wouldn't be anoyed at the lack of childcare but i would be saddened that she didnt want to spend time with my dc's, if you can see the difference?

Mum did all my childcare up to preschool age; MIL got shitty beinga sked to help once in an emergency, hey ho so it goes, we're all built differently.

You are being wholly unreasonable. Your mother should not be expected to look after your children - I know in some posts you have said you don't EXPECT this, but in your first post you say she is being unreasonable not to do so, so really you are expecting it or seem to take it for granted that grandparents should do this.

You shouldn't feel hurt about it either, it is not personal, or at least you have given no indication that she is being mean or spiteful about it. She is being very honest with you that this is something she doesn't want to do. I know so many grandparents who feel obliged to care for their grandchildren or feel taken for granted, so at least she is sparing you that sort of scenario.

There might be all sorts of reasons she has decided this. Like others have said, perhaps she doesn't want the regular commitment, fair enough. Perhaps she feels it would be too much for her - you say she's young and fit but it's for her to decide if she's up to having such very young children on a regular basis. She might be worried that if she starts such an arrangement she couldn't end it easily without upsetting you or affecting your working life. She might just want to enjoy her grandchildren on a more informal basis rather than formalising it and making her the one 'in charge'.

Is it really so difficult for you to find childcare for that time? That would seem the best solution to me. Your mother can then continue to have a grandmotherly relationship with your children uncomplicated by any childcare issues. My in-laws look after some of their grandchildren on a regular basis and while they love them dearly it has caused some stress and in some ways changed the relationship with those children because for some of the time they do have more of a parental role. Whereas the relationship they have with my own children, and indeed with my husband and myself, seems much less complex because we're not juggling with the childcare and the resulting issues.

Hope you find some good childcare, and also that your children have a great relationship with their grandmother.

I empathise, I have no sodding help at all, but my folks and my partners folks decided to move abroad, and just flit in and out of our lives at inconvenient times and expect to be looked after when they descend. They just provide unhelpful critcism by way of support. When I was a child my Nan practically brought us up and would love to have us. I used to live with her in the summer holidays, a stark contrast. I think things have changed.

imho it works both ways, your mother shouldn't expect regular help from you when she isn't fit as a fiddle anymore. She will have to get a home help from some underpaid person who doesn't give two hoots.

but hey lets not be bitter

I'm with rebel. But then I fink I have issoes, on this topic. I have zero support. Dhs mum is too old and too far away. But my mum ... well I have taken a day off next week to talk to my mum about .... lots of things including her unsupportiveness.
I was due to take ds to visit her, she lives an hour way, two weeks ago. I was rushed into hospital the night before, diabetes mad, suspected miscarriage.
She never even offered to take ds for the next day, when we were desperate, even though we were supposed to be with her.
helping out in anemergency ?
Bitter Moi ?
I don't expect my mum to help. But it saddens me that she does not wwant to help ME, or to have more to do with ds.
Expect no, sad VERY
Maybe I should leave this thread, like I said, I think mine goes a bit deeper.
I hate it when people are unappreciative of the support they are lucky enought to have.

I disagree I think that it is sad that grandparents don't want to be involved with their grandchildren and offer support when it's most needed. But I believe that families should look after eachother and help eachother where they can. If I was fit and well and lived close to my dd I would definitely be there for my grandchildren. I can't understand why a grandparent doesn't want to be involved and want to spend time with their grandchildren.

Soory for hijack, clearly very strong feelings at the moment.

I think people are confusing the issues. They are saying it's sad that a grandparent doesn't want to spend time with her granchildren, but no-one has said this is the case. What she doesn't want to do is look after the children every week as their sole carer for that time. That's a completely different thing, but I suspect it's this confusing the issues which is making it all seem personal and perhaps hurtful.

There has been no indication from the original poster that her mother doesn't want to spend time with her children or doesn't want to be involved with them or doesn't have/want to have a close relationship. She just doesn't want to do the regular childcare bit. She can still be a great grandmother without that.

My dd only has me and her dad, she has no other family around, no one else that dotes on her and makes her feel special apart from us. I think that's sad.

I think it is hugely important for grandparents to want to help with the grandchildren. My mum comes over nearly every day and my dad takes ds1 to nursery twice a week before he goes to work.
I don't expect them to do it, they want to help.
Also, it really helps to have that extra support when the children are being difficult and having tantrums. For example, my dad came round this morning to find me losing the plot somewhat because ds1 wouldnt put his clothes on for nursery. My dad calmly took control and got him dressed, took him to nursery, came back and made me a cup of tea,even though he is extremely busy at work and probably needed to be there asap.
Surely there is nothing more important than family, or maybe I am just a bit naive.

But i must add that i wouldnt go back to work and leave them with my mum, they would run her ragged.

Message withdrawn

My nan was sole carer for me and my brother at weekends and holidays and looked after my aunt's baby twins when she was away at college. It's hardly a big deal if it's your family or at least it shouldn't be. My swiss grandparents had sole charge of me too in the holidays? It ought to be fairly common.

My folks are now older and more decrepid and realised that it's not great abroad without a support network so are now looking to move back to the UK so I can look after them. Pah.