Grandparents providing childcare

[Miggins]

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

Oblamov, did you just appear by a miracle, fully formed at the age of 20? Or maybe, did you parents do some bloody hard work raising YOU? Why should they now be expected to raise your children, on a threat of 'do it or else'.

Well my mum still loves me. Her care for me didn't stop at 17, when I left home to go travelling round the world.
Parenting doesn't stop at 18, when your kids leave home.

I always planned childcare for ds, at a nursery.
In one of my earlier posts I did say that my RL situation, was not the issue here.
But I am allowed to have a view on how sad the OP is, and how the disintegration of family, upsets me, am I not ?

No, but people who have already put in20 years of hard graft raising their own kids, shouldn't be expected to put in another 20 years to stop their lazy, selfish kids from rejecting them.

No star, I am not saying that.

Yes, you are being unreasonable, they are your DC and your responsibility. My MIL has worked full time all her life and now she is 60 I dont expect her to give up her retirement to mind the children. She is fine to do the occasional school pick up and drop off but why should she have to commit her hard earned free time to the kids. She has them for shorts periods occasionally to help out and give her son and me time alone and she enjoys that time, if she felt obliged to have them she wouldnt enjoy them.

I have a friend who expected her mother to still mind her children even whilst she was having chemo for bowel cancer. Appalling.

God, you are harsh Ozy.
Not but in the middle 20 years that need to have a loving relationship where both parent and child is happy, and supported, don't they ?

My sister really does take advantage of my parents in that she returned to work full time when DD was 6 weeks old & dumped her off on my parents.

Her DD is 5 now & in school now but my parents are still expected to take her DD to after school clubs, parties and appointments etc while my lazy arse sister works from 9-5 answering the phone and filing her nails all day.

MY mother does F all for my dc's and never offer either, although I don't expect it either.

What gets me is my mother is crippled with arthritis and my Father is not much use tbh.

I really don't think grandparents should have to look after the grandchildren at all if they choose not to.

And as it happens, MORE grandparents do unpaid childcare than in previous generations. 6/10 families use grandparents as childcarers, and it's growing. So much for all these 'selfish' grandparents! Also, interestingly, around a quarter of grandparents subsidise childcare costs, yet only 7% of adult children help their pensioner parents out financially.

I think we should be on our knees with gratitude if our parents help out, not stropping and threatening to neglect elderly parents if they don't do exactly what we want when we want for no money!
I think if they 'earn' our care in later life, it's for wiping OUR bottoms and tears, not for doing it for our kids! That just strikes me as incredibly egocentric. They may still be your parents, but you aren't children any more.

When I think of my own mother, who had no microwave, no electric washing machine or tumble dryer, no car, no ready meals, no weekly cleaner. It was hard, hard work. She does now help out with my lot, but I would never expect her to commit to doing a regular childcare JOB. She's worked hard all her life. Now she's better off and has a nice life. Good for her!
She's my mother, not my employee or servant.

Totally agree Ozy. The whole tone of it being some kind of transactional deal - 'You look after my kids for nothing so I can earn money, otherwise i won't look after you in your old age' - it stinks! Love, care, time - surely these are gifts to be given not some kind of obligation?
There's been a lot of talk about selfishness of grandparents on this thread - well, I think the only thing that's selfish is for any parent to assume that they can offload their children onto a grandparent when it suits them.

the hard bit comes when you have to start parenting your own parent

but thats a whole new thread

i would never in a gazillion years ask my mother to look after my kids so i could go to work.
quite aside from the fact that mom is in a better paid job than i would be. she has taken car of her bqabies, and it is her turn to enjoy her grandchildren. not have them foisted on her.
i am quite happy to ask her to look after them whilst i go to the cinema etc. but not regular for work.
my work is not more important than her work, or her life.

Excellent point pukkapatch. There does seem to be a supreme arrogance in assuming that our own lives are more important than our parents.

I've been struggling to articulate what I feel, but yes, thats it - our work is not more important than our parents lives. My mother would have to give up so much to be able to offer me regular childcare, I couldn't live with myself - what she does is really important to her, and to the community she serves. Why should her church go without the wonderful things she does for them, so I can work, when its my responsibility to put in place arrangements for me to do so. She would, and has dropped things in emergencies to help me, but thats very different from planned childcare, which I can organise for myself.

Batters having had no support with my two dc's and having found it at times unbelievably difficult I am pretty sure (in the same way I vowed never to hit my kids) that my intention to assist my kids should they need it will be met. I will be a differnt person if I don't.

God I never expected such a response! Thanks! It's clearly an emotive issue understandably. I appreciate all the comments, however, I would say that some comments seem a bit judgemental given that the posters know little of the facts.
I asked my Mum the reason why she did not want to do it (in a non-confrontational way) in order for me to understand, but she would not give a real reason despite me telling her that I completely understood if she felt that she had 'done with' raising children. Previously she looked after my son for one day a week and loved it (this is not my assumption, she told me this at the time).
When I became preg with first dc I moved over 250 miles to be near to GP's as this was to be their first GC and I wanted to 'share' this with them.
I do feel hurt but have now ''moved on'' and will rely on nursery childcare from now on.

miggins, maybe your mum is just getting older and more tired and feels she can't handle the kids now

good luck with finding childcare