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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents providing childcare

223 replies

Miggins · 02/12/2007 20:40

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
casbie · 05/12/2007 14:05

people who have no family, rely on others to have children and those children pay taxes and pay for elderly care.

therefore, those who don't have children are relying on those who do in every sense (for care and finances to pay for care).

i have no objection to that, that is what the state is there for.

at the moment, there is a deficit in the amount of taxes being generated, to the amount of money needed to support our elderly. we are a top heavy society, with resources being ever more stretched upwards.

my mother is looking after my oma, and we have to keep reminding her that all the annoying things oma does (they haven't had a good relationship for years) my mum might do in the future, when she is elderly. so a little kindness, a little respect and a little compassion to ignore those annoying things old people do, will go along way. Now they get on well and my mum feels she can cope with her mum's idocincracies, because she knows that oma's old and needs her care.

so yes, i will be relying on my children to look after me when i'm older and hopefully they'll be kind!

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 14:29

Lots of grandparents 'expect' their children to look after them in old age.
I agree with Canadian dream - " absolutely believe that gps SHOULD help look after their grandchildren (if they are able to), I see it as part of being a parent - parenting doesn't end when your kids are grown up.
I do feel that it is a really sad reflection on our society that so many families are struggling while the gps are off living the high-life, but then a few years later those same gps are stuck in some sad home because their kids won't help with their care... "
My mum has made it very clear that she does not expect or want me to look after her in her old age.
Which is a bit sad.So this argument doesn't apply to me in RL.
But that doesn't stop me feeling that this sense of family, caring for eachother and looking after both the young and the old, SHOULD be part of life.
To those who argue otherwise, you can't have it both ways. Parents would are unprepared to help, witht heir grandchildren..... well, lets just see how some of those re-act when they are older and their own children tell them to go take a hike.
I hope the children have the strenght to tell their parents, not a chance.

Kewcumber · 05/12/2007 15:38

I don't want my DS to look after me when I'm old either. It's not that I don;t want him to be involved in my care or to not visit mefrequently I just don't particularly want him to be my carer. I know how stressful it can be and would far rather be cared for by someone who goes off duty to their own family.

I suspect its a utopian dream that I can have good care in a residential home which is pleasant with frequent visits from my family but it would be my preferred option (at the moment).

casbie · 05/12/2007 16:00

elderly 'care' doesn't have to mean 24 hr care...

with regards to OP - 2.5 hours a week should do it!

; p

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:03

LOL Casbie.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/12/2007 16:37

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Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:53

Starlight, I didn't mean to make it come across as at all petty. Not tit-for-tat at all.I am really serious. RElationships, ALL relationships must be loving, giving respectful, EQUAL. Balanced.
I am jst saying that it must be give and take. You can't have someone not giving, not committing, not helping their child.
(ANd I do agree, of course Op can get childcare, but we have gone beyond that now, in this discussion. It has got deeper, and we are talking about how supported we all are, how we feel about that and the dynamics of what people think families, mean to eachother, in this day and age - and how that make ME ( and only me, can I speak for) sad.
But, if Op is sad, she must talk to her Mum.
But also, my point does still stand - I suspect, that lots of grandparnts are not supporting their children enough, whilst thinking that they will be cared for in later life.
I think this could be a bomb, waiting to go off.

rebelmum1 · 05/12/2007 16:53

I think you'll change your mind when you see the state of the care in most care homes. My neighbour went into one recently and cries everyday, she falls asleep in her lunch and is left there, she was wet too when her sister visited. Besides well before you get to that point you'll want help with general housework, paying bills shopping, just regular support which is straight forward if you have a helpful family.

rebelmum1 · 05/12/2007 16:54

I agree with you oblomov totally.

rebelmum1 · 05/12/2007 16:55

You'll have to sell your home to pay the £25k a year bills too.

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:55

Why should Grandparents look after grandchildren ?
O.k. fair enough.
Why should children, look after parents later on ?
What goes around comes around.

Ozymandius · 05/12/2007 16:56

I don't remember grandparents being expected to be unpaid childminders when I was young. I think it's pretty selfish to expect our parents, who raised us, mostly lovingly, to now act as our unpaid staff. They have ALREADY done their bit - they made you, gave birth to you, raised you. You are now adults. Posters who talk about getting their 'revenge' on their parents for not working for them for no money by neglecting them when they are old are rather revolting, in my opinion.

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:58

A point to Kewcumber.
I think that I want what you want in old age. But in reality, we both know that this is so hard to find.
My mum is a committed christin and they have been looking at care for her and her dh, for later on.
Even within the christian community - care/ old peoples homes, supported apartments, she was HORRIFIED at some of them.

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:58

Thanks rebel.

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 16:59

Kew, I think even your FD salary might be stretched to allow their Extortinate fees.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/12/2007 17:00

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Ozymandius · 05/12/2007 17:01

Why should children look after parents? Er, because your parents made you, gave birth to you, supported you and raised you?
Just a thought.

rebelmum1 · 05/12/2007 17:02

In our culture there has been a complete breakdown of family, people don't see eachother or help eachother like they used to. I lived in a local village backwater for a while and was blown away by the close knit community. Families regularly helped eachother out on all fronts and saw eachother every week. In most cases it's just not like that anymore. We're more interested in what we have not people.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/12/2007 17:02

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Ozymandius · 05/12/2007 17:04

And frankly, from the posts on here with people slagging off their parents for giving their kids the odd sweet etc, I'm actually surprised more don't refuse to act as unpaid childcare.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/12/2007 17:05

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Oblomov · 05/12/2007 17:07

Ozy, who talked about revenge? It al depends on how loving, close your family is. What support they give for eachother. What they think is normal. For care for eachother, pre birth, childhood, care of granchildren, care of themsleves when they are old ?
I think this has moved on a bit form the OP.
This is not about money, or childcare. It is about how your family function, how they will look after eacother, through each generation.
Not a problem to me, if parents want nothing to do with their grandchildren.
Some one earlier mentioned their parents being too busy off playing, bridge and on cruises to show any interest in their grandchildren.
Hope they are having a grand time.
Becasue thay might not get the invitaion to come and live with their children when they are old and frail ?

Ozymandius · 05/12/2007 17:08

Well, all this 'Why should we help them if they don't help us' (conveniently forgetting the 18-20 years they have already put in to raising YOU) sounds nasty, bitter and vengeful to me.
They have ALREADY raised a generation. Now it's your turn. I bet they didn't expect their own parents to be unpaid staff.

Oblomov · 05/12/2007 17:09

I agree with Rebel.
We are money obsessed. Good time now, please.Don't give a shit about anyone, including family. Lets hope that we don't need anyone's care later on. Becasue if we do, we might have burnt all our bridges.
Now, that is SAD. Surely ?

Ozymandius · 05/12/2007 17:09

I thought this was rather unpleasant, for example:
"Parents would are unprepared to help, witht heir grandchildren..... well, lets just see how some of those re-act when they are older and their own children tell them to go take a hike.
I hope the children have the strenght to tell their parents, not a chance."
Nice.