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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents providing childcare

223 replies

Miggins · 02/12/2007 20:40

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 03/12/2007 23:18

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UniversallyChallenged · 03/12/2007 23:59

Well i find it sad that you cant see it. If a mother cant help support a daughter then why should we as daughter's supprt our mothers when they need us? To me it's the give and take as family.

When i thanked my mum for having my ds for a couple of hours so i could work she texted back "It's easy because you give us so much". Am sure Im not that unusual in my thinking am I?

StarlightMcKenzie · 04/12/2007 00:03

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UniversallyChallenged · 04/12/2007 00:07

so if she needed help,say shopping one afternoon a week, you are saying you wouldnt support her?

StarlightMcKenzie · 04/12/2007 00:12

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StarlightMcKenzie · 04/12/2007 00:15

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inthegutter · 04/12/2007 07:26

I agree starlight. What's interesting is that all the posts which disagree, make the assumption that a grandparent who isn't looking after a child on a regular basis is somehow uncaring and unsupportive! When my SIL had her first DS, she was returning to work one day per week and i know she approached my MIL (her mum) to see if she would do the childcare. Her MIL didn't, on the grounds that although she's retired, she has a busy life involved on all kinds of things, and she felt that if she took on the responsibility, it would leave SIL in a mess if she ever couldn't do it. The reality is, she actually sees her grandson far MORE than once a week - she does lots of bits of looking after and babysitting/inviting them over for lunch etc so she probably sees more of the child than if she was childminding one day a week! Its not about not wanting to spend time, it's about not wanting this to become a fixed obligation.Plus SIL uses a nursery for the day she works so her son gets lots of interaction with other LOs.

southeastastra · 04/12/2007 08:14

'if more grandparents refused to do this upaid work, the childcare affordability issue would be higher on the government agenda!'

see i don't think my mil sees it as work. she just enjoys spending time alone with my son.

this doesn't have to turn into a have and have not thread, which it is. there are good and bad sides to each arrangement.

casbie · 04/12/2007 12:01

what a society - this thread makes me sad...

grandparents who can't/won't look after youngsters, parents who wouldn't/couldn't consider looking after their elderly parents...

there's a lot of 'it's not my responsibility'. surely there's not much more to life than looking after one's own - but i must be in the minority!

Lazarou · 04/12/2007 13:45

i'm with you on that one casbie

ssd · 04/12/2007 16:05

no casbie you're not!

I look after my old mum (80), not as my responsibility but because I love her

she looked after me when I was young for the same reason

some of these posts are so sad

inthegutter · 04/12/2007 17:03

It's about balance though isn't it? Yes, having a sense of responsibility to others is something to be valued (and I don't mean just family, but broader responsibility towards those in our communities etc). But I don't think being a martyr is helpful to anyone. I would hate to think that if I am a frail 80 year old I would be a burden on my kids and that they might feel obliged to sacrifice career/own family time etc to look after me. I haven't brought them into the world to expect that of them. Yes, I hope they'd always want to visit, stay with me, share meals and memories and laughs together - but not to be my carer. Likewise, when I took the decision to have children with my partner, we would never have assumed it was anyone else's job to look after them. Our children enjoy excellent relationships with other family members, but there is no obligation on anyone else to feel that my kids are their responsibility.

casbie · 04/12/2007 17:13

whether you like it or not that's exactly what having children is for...

they look after you in your old age either directly (care) or indirectly (taxes).

inthegutter · 04/12/2007 18:24

Well being a WOHM I like to think I've paid enough tax over the years to fund my own care if and when I need it!!!!!

Elasticwoman · 04/12/2007 20:22

I do think we have a responsibility to look after our parents' interests in old age, whether that means hands-on caring, or making sure that they are being cared for by others when the need arises.

I do not think that grandparents should be expected to take a similar responsibility for grandchildren, especially as a regular commitment. I'm not saying they shouldn't do it, just that they should not be expected to do it. They have done their share of childrearing, and any extra they care to offer should be because they want to.

I think many people do not understand the physical and mental effects of ageing, and expect too much of the older generation.

elkiedee · 04/12/2007 20:51

I agree with those who suggested that the commitment is a problem.

My dad has been a great help since my baby was born 7 months ago, while I've been on maternity leave. He lives nearby whereas my mum is 200 miles away although she's been brilliant too in ways she can. He regularly comes round for 2 or 3 hours and takes the pressure off me, keeps me company, helps me resist sliding into depression.

He hasn't offered to make a regular commitment though he has done occasional babysitting and I think he will do a bit more. His partner has ME and she's also a major caring responsibility. What he has offered is a substantial contribution to my childcare costs starting before I have to pay them - about 30%. He's also bought us various equipment already. I guess he's in a position to do that - his income isn't high but it's ok, but he has no housing and transport costs which are high for most people here.

ssd · 05/12/2007 07:56

inthegutter,

"I would hate to think that if I am a frail 80 year old I would be a burden on my kids and that they might feel obliged to sacrifice career/own family time etc to look after me."

from your post yesterday isn't realistic to me as my mum is 80 and so this isn't a "burden" for me to be helping her, its a fact of life, my mum is old and needs my help, end of story.

can't understand your attitude TBH, it sounds a bit high handed to me

and also my mum expects nothing at all from me, maybe thats why I'm so glad to be able to help her

Canadiandream · 05/12/2007 08:29

I've only been able to scan this thread but I totally agree with casbie:

"what a society - this thread makes me sad...

grandparents who can't/won't look after youngsters, parents who wouldn't/couldn't consider looking after their elderly parents...

there's a lot of 'it's not my responsibility'. surely there's not much more to life than looking after one's own - but i must be in the minority!"

I absolutely believe that gps SHOULD help look after their grandchildren (if they are able to), I see it as part of being a parent - parenting doesn't end when your kids are grown up. If anything they need you more when they're trying to juggle kids, relationship, work etc. I feel totally sad that my parents don't have any interest in helping to look after my ds, in fact my mum told me in no uncertain terms when I was pg that she wouldn't help.

I do feel that it is a really sad reflection on our society that so many families are struggling while the gps are off living the high-life, but then a few years later those same gps are stuck in some sad home because their kids won't help with their care...

needmorecoffee · 05/12/2007 08:43

I can undertsand why you are hurt. In 15 years my in-laws have never looked after my kids, not even babysitting. They are too busy on hiking holidays (rather rich too). Even through all the medical emergencies they wouldn't help so we'd have to take 3 older kids to the hozzie middle of the night with the youngest.
And then a few weeks ago I nearly choked when MIL went on about how helpful they had been.
I think gps should help, especially the ones who have reaped the cheap housing/easy jobs of the 70's/80's while we are struggling now.
DH gave up work in the end cos we couldn't get any family help (youngest is disabled) yet MIL went on and on about his glittering career. Ahem.
I would help my kids without a second thought cos to me, family is more important thanmoney or holidays or slimming clubs.

Dropdeadfred · 05/12/2007 08:47

It would give us more insight if you could tell us how she worded her refusal?

ninedragons · 05/12/2007 09:14

Excellent point about gps having benefited from cheap house prices, NMC. I read something by a financial adviser in Rock or somewhere saying he was just horrified by the number of his clients who were smug about their million-pound windfalls on the holiday houses that they'd bought for two and six in 1960 but implacably opposed to helping their kids to get on the housing ladder.

mustsleep · 05/12/2007 09:28

my mum looks after lo's whilst i work for two hours three days a week, and mil will com down if i need to go in any earlier etc

i think my mum would have them during the day if she didn't work herself, mil would but she lives quite far away and isn't well

but i'm buggered if anyone will have them on a night

exbatt · 05/12/2007 10:00

I think the sad thing about all these posts is the huge number of people believing grandparents are selfish or mean or whatever simply for being honest and saying they can't or don't want to take on what would otherwise be a paid childcare role. It is sad if society has come to this...

Grandparents looking after their grandchildren is NOT a part of parenting. If both sides truly like that arrangement (and with no emotional blackmail, explicit or implicit) then that's great, but for a parent to expect that is selfish.

Others have already said that just because a grandparent refuses to take on a regular commitment it doesn't mean he/she is not interested in their grandchildren, and I absolutely agree with that view.

I think inthegutter has summed up my views in her posts - families can still give each other love, support and time and have great relationships without grandparents having to care for their grandchildren on a regular basis or parents having to take on the role of main carer for elderly parents. Her post of 17.03 yesterday was spot on. Sometimes it's actually better for all concerned if there are other arrangements in place. That doesn't mean there aren't strong support systems in place or great family relationships.

Children are the responsibility of their parents. Yes, families and wider society should support them both emotionally and practically, but there should be no expectation or assumption that grandparents will or should provide free childcare. I still haven't seen anything from the original poster which suggests she is unable to sort childcare out in any other way.

Kewcumber · 05/12/2007 12:11

and the "GP's have always looked afetr the children" argument is bollocks in my family - hasn't happened in living memory. GP's were always working right up to retirement then either died or were too infirm to have the children on a aregular basis.

My grandmother worked like a skivvy all her life (literally at some times) to allow her children to get the best education she could provide which got them out of the poverty trap for the first generation in a long, long time. My parents would have been horrifed at the idea of expecting her to work as their unpaid child carer into retirement if there was any way they could avoid it. She did her share and more and her and my other grandparents are responsible between them for producing the first generation of Kewcumbers who are (by most standards) affluent and educated.

That wasn't in response to OP btw but to those who say that GP's should be doing childcare.

Kewcumber · 05/12/2007 12:15

thats a peculair argument casbie. Did you really have your children to support you in your oldage?! what about people who don't have children or who's children are neither able to look after them nor able to earn a wage. Do they not get looked after in their old age?