Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents providing childcare

223 replies

Miggins · 02/12/2007 20:40

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt that my Mum does not want to look after my two children, aged 1 and 3, for one afternoon a week whilst I am at work? She lives 20 minutes drive away and is retired, fit, healthy, young at heart.

I know that in society today it is easy to expect grandparents to take on childcare of their grandchildren when they are perfectly within their rights to wish to enjoy their retirement at a leisurely pace without having to be tied to a regular childcare commitment, however, that said I still feel that she is being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable???? What do other grandparents do for you Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
pippylongstockings · 02/12/2007 21:14

Motherinferior - you saying that you find the assumption 'she would love to do it' quite unreasonable is unreasonable in itself as you do not know what the relationship is between the two parties.

plowder · 02/12/2007 21:16

My sister in law has 52 weeks a yr care for my neice and nephew by her mother (my mil), and my parents in law never have my kids. We all live in the same village, my parents and sis and her dh and 2dc live there too. My mother has my 2 neices 52 weeks a yr too, my mother has never had my kids either. Neither my sis or sil ever pay for childcare. As for dh and I, well I went back to work after having dd when she was 1 and after ds when he was 4. Childcare is expensive, I have asked my inlaws if they would have my two once for two hours and they said no, it is down to me and my mam to have my kids, they are their for their daughter only. My mam, when asked if she would have my two said no as she had her hands full with my two dnieces. Fair enough, I will not ask again they have made it plain what they will do, I pay for my before/afterschool childcare.

deenymcqueenygoreandguts · 02/12/2007 21:19

again totally torn and feeling guilty about it.
Something else to feel guilty about.

it makes life so much more difficult when they are not available or willing.
i dont ask so tht i can go out on the town i need help so that i can work. i feel so bloody guilty though every moment of the 2.5 hours she has child at my house.
dh makes her a meal when he gets in from work, i buy her cakes and goodies and we pay her.

i cant understand why unless we ask her to have child, she doesnt come near.
i question whether or not they would ring up on their own accord and ask to take child out for an hour or even if they can see child.
i doubt very much that they would even for a pleasurable one off.
that hurts very very much.

bunnyhunny · 02/12/2007 21:19

yab a little u sorry. it IS her choice after all. though it is very sad that she doesnt want to.
but having said that, my mum looks after ds for 2 days a week. she is very reliable, and would do anything for him. sometimes, I think it might change our relationship - since i am relying on her weekly - but I suggested getting another carer in if it got too much for her, and she got quite offended!
but I know I am really lucky.

happynappy · 02/12/2007 21:23

If she doesn't want to look after them, then maybe it's better that she doesn't it could drive a wedge between you. Why do you rather she looked after them? Are you trying to get closer to her or are there financial considerations? If you did manage to persuade her then it would be awkward if you ever there was an issue with the way she cared for them and you might feel compromised. Try to take it on the chin and maybe ask her why she'd rather not - get it out in the open.

wheresthehamster · 02/12/2007 21:27

Agree with happynappy.

Perhaps your mum is worried what you'd say if she gave them spam for tea

UniversallyChallenged · 02/12/2007 21:31

yanbu

it's sad she has said no. is she frightened of the commitment or pressure of LOs do you think?

Plowder, that is awful for them to treat you like that.

marigirl · 02/12/2007 21:34

good to read these posts - i asked my husband's grandmother to help out on a regular basis but she doesn't want to - she says she will do ad hoc only. she is the only one who lives nearby. i am ok with this but makes childcare expensive. i don't think she is being selfish - i think it's fair enough.

inthegutter · 02/12/2007 21:45

I think it's totally out of order for anyone to say it's selfish of the grandparents to not want to provide regular childcare. When you decide to have children, you have no right to EXPECT anyone other than yourself and their father to care for them. Lovely if anyone else offers, but no right to expect it. Grandparents should be there to enjoy their grandchildren, and maybe spoil them a little - it can be a lovely relationship, but it shouldnt be about feeling an obligation to provide regular care.

inthegutter · 02/12/2007 21:45

I think it's totally out of order for anyone to say it's selfish of the grandparents to not want to provide regular childcare. When you decide to have children, you have no right to EXPECT anyone other than yourself and their father to care for them. Lovely if anyone else offers, but no right to expect it. Grandparents should be there to enjoy their grandchildren, and maybe spoil them a little - it can be a lovely relationship, but it shouldnt be about feeling an obligation to provide regular care.

inthegutter · 02/12/2007 21:46

I think it's totally out of order for anyone to say it's selfish of the grandparents to not want to provide regular childcare. When you decide to have children, you have no right to EXPECT anyone other than yourself and their father to care for them. Lovely if anyone else offers, but no right to expect it. Grandparents should be there to enjoy their grandchildren, and maybe spoil them a little - it can be a lovely relationship, but it shouldnt be about feeling an obligation to provide regular care.

inthegutter · 02/12/2007 21:46

whoops got carried away there!

unknownrebelbang · 02/12/2007 21:53

YABU to expect her to help you out, although I understand your feelings of resentment.

Both my mum and MIL died when DS3 was a baby, prior to that I was very lucky in that my mum was my childminder before she became ill, but she offered - I never assumed she would do it.

Now I have a wonderful FIL, who would do almost anything for his grandchildren, but who is more frail than he cares to admit, and my father and his wife who will have the boys...but only when it suits them.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 02/12/2007 21:56

its great when grandparents want to help out but in all fairness they raised their kids and if they dont want to be a childminder in their golden years thats completly resonable

mollymawk · 02/12/2007 21:56

I understand why you are hurt (I think!). It is only natural to want other family members to actively want to be with your (no doubt) lovely children.
On the question of whether your mother "ought" to do it even if she doesn't want to, I have the impression you don't really think that. You are just sad that she doesn't want to.

plowder · 02/12/2007 22:01

Universallychallenged, it is the way it is. If I wanted to, I am sure I would feel very peeved about it.
But, both DH and I have always worked at different times (when dd was 1 he worked days 7 - 5.30 and I did 6pm - 2am, now he does nights and I do 9-5) it works for us, it is only holidays that we have to pay for childcare, and as dd is 13 at the moment then in 18 months time she can look after ds during the holidays ... I am sure she will appreciate the money

Kbear · 02/12/2007 22:05

Did she give a reason for not wanting to or a point blank no?

BroccoliSpears · 02/12/2007 22:15

I'm afraid I think you're being totally unreasonable. Looking after a 1 and 3 year old for one afternoon a week is a huge commitment, and an exhausting one at that. It is absolutely reasonable not to want to spend time changing nappies and racing around after small children when your own are grown up.

I do understand the feeling of wanting your parents to be close to your children. My parents and inlaws have never babysat, changed a nappy, fed dd a meal, taken her for a walk... I'm trying to remember if any of them have ever looked after her without me in the room and I can't remember any time... I envy my friends whose parents take an active role in their grandchildrens' lives, but ultimately it is the grandparents choice to do so, and not something that appeals to everyone.

agnesnitt · 02/12/2007 22:22

I'd never dream of asking for my mother to look after my children so frequently. She did her job in bringing me up, it's up to me now to do what I can for my children.

You're being a tad unreasonable I'm afraid. If it's just a two and a half hour issue you have, try to get those two and a half hours taken off your working week so you don't need to ask your mum

Agnes

Judy1234 · 02/12/2007 22:28

My parents never helped and they lived a distance away. Once a year the older children did used to stay with the other grandparents for a few days. That's all the help we got. I know when I had my first child my mother still had my brother at home. She probably had been waiting for 20 years to get some child free time to herself so I'm sure that was part of it.

Same with me. When my older ones have babies I will probably still have the youngest at home and be working full time so regular help with children won't be possible although I'd love to be involved in their lives.

I don't think many grandparents would love to do it. I never in the week looked after my own 1 and 3 year olds as I worked full time so I am certainly not going to be any keener with children even less connected to me. Also some older people aren't up to it - they get too tired by small children and don't want them around in that way.

CountessDracula · 02/12/2007 22:29

I think it is up to them really
You can't expect it

I am incredibly lucky my Mum picks dd up 2 days a week, she lives over an hour away but she drives up to London and stays the night on a Thurs so we get to go out too! I would never dream of asking her to do it, she volunteers.

kikid · 02/12/2007 22:44

Well everyones different i guess!

I am an aunt and have always helped my db + sil , I've always worked full time & had a teenager of my own when my nieces were small.
I babysat some weekends and regularly had a small babe overnight.

They are now older and still come every saturday afternoon for 3-4hrs. I will be a grandma next year & I am so looking forward to this. I am still working f/t but eves & weekends I will be available, if needed.

I think children are a blessing and they need love & time from family.

Oblomov · 02/12/2007 22:52

One afternoon a week is nothing. I think it is very sad that she doesn't want to.

Oblomov · 02/12/2007 22:57

I am not saying that we have the right to expect. OP did say that she did not 'expect'. I am just saying that I think it is very very sad that she doesn't want to. An I disagree with someother posters, I do not think one afternoon is a 'huge commitment'.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2007 23:05

i agree with Oblomov and paulaplumpbottom.

man, talk about the breakdown of the family!

are people really that selfish and see bringing up kids as some sort of prison sentence that once they've done it they avoid re-offending again at all costs?

and as for grandkids being even 'less connected' to you than your own kids, well, there we go again: another pathetic illustration of how family life has gone down the pan and it's all about Me, Me, Me.

i didn't have kids to think that when they become adults i'm completely exonerated of having to care for them or my own kindred again.

grandkids should be some sort of 'treat'?!

like a Green & Black chocolate, if you don't like the flavour, just don't buy it again.

they're not a treat, they're your own flesh and blood!

kinship means nothing in Western society, that's why it's getting so f*cked up, IMO.

some people don't know how good they have it!

my folks would love to look after the DDs more, but they live thousands of miles away and there's no chance of our moving there.