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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 30/08/2021 14:51

If you were originally invited, what happened in between? Did you accept the invite?

AnnieBanannie1 · 30/08/2021 14:52

Yeah what happened inbetween?
No texts about it or anything?
Did the person you spoke to not say anything about you going?

PearlyRising · 30/08/2021 14:52

YANBU to be hurt.

It's always hurtful when you have that moment of reassessment. Wait, we're not actually close friends? I am left off this list?

That is a painful experience. But the only cure is to take your focus off that group and concentrate on other friendships. It is counterintuitive though because the lizard part of your brain is tellinng you that you must get back in with that group, that your survival hinges on it.

Ignore your lizard brain and ring up and connect with people who are sadly peripheral to your every day life.

xx

TheQueef · 30/08/2021 14:54

Unless there was a missed invite I would move on.
How many years left doing the pick ups?

Tiana4 · 30/08/2021 14:54

Next time you make the camping arrangements and leave one of them out Grin
Or have a party at your house and leave one of them out. Wink

Revenge is a dish best served cold Smile

(Not really... but if it made you smile!!)

It probably was difficult to organise, camping site may have had limited spaces- we couldn't get a space for all of us (my family in tent, parents tent and friends large tent) in any of those near us- so didn't go, but if a last minute one came up we might have gone just us.

I can see why you're upset but it's possible it wasn't deliberate left out. You might have been busy or away when they were arranging it or a while other list of reasons.

AppleFairy · 30/08/2021 14:54

It’s so hurtful but put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them is what I would do.

They are mean. It is horrible to feel left out like this again as an adult.

Monicuddle · 30/08/2021 14:54

I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s crappy, tweenager behaviour. Nod, smile and back away slowly and find people who treat you properly.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2021 14:56

Communication is key here.

You need to speak to them about it, as it's possible they all thought one of the others invited you.

AppleFairy · 30/08/2021 14:56

I meant put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me. Cut your losses. Focus on other friends.

Grapewrath · 30/08/2021 14:56

Be breezy and polite but cultivate new friendships. I can completely understand why you feel hurt

Chloemol · 30/08/2021 14:57

I would be calling them out. You were there for the original discussion. I would ask outright why you weren’t asked and how upset you feel about being excluded and how would they feel if they were the ones excluded and you look forward to an apology and explain action

Then put your energy towards your other friends

TeenMinusTests · 30/08/2021 14:57

How friendly are your respective DC?
I can imagine a situation where the Mums are all good friends but the children have different dynamics.

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2021 14:58

I would have to ask why I’d been left out. That’s really nasty of them.

PlanetTeaTime · 30/08/2021 14:59

:-( no advice but I'm sorry that's not nice

DingDongDenny · 30/08/2021 14:59

Has there been any falling out between the kids? Or are theirs closer friends than yours? I'm not excusing it, but it could be something like that rather than personal to you

DobieGrayshark · 30/08/2021 14:59

Do you have a difficult DC? It’s not ok but I can imagine groups of friends leaving out another friend if their DC didn’t get on so well with the others or was a bit annoying. It would be unfair and obviously it should never have been mentioned to you if they were going to go ahead without you anyway.

Givemestrengthorgin · 30/08/2021 15:00

I would be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt and that leaving you out wasn't purposeful or malicious. A bit of a thoughtless oversight but school mum friends/groups are so intertwined across different little pockets of friends they may not have realised you have been left out.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 15:01

Do you know what happened op? Why they went ahead without you?

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 15:03

You say you found out when you were talking to one of them the other day… What exactly was said? Did she not say, ‘I thought you were going to come?’ Did they all know that you weren’t going to be invited, or was one of them supposed to sort it out and that person has left you out? What did you say to the friend you were talking to when she mentioned the trip? Sorry - lots of questions!

twinningatlife · 30/08/2021 15:03

You Are 38 not 8 - I'd be asking them in a nice/roundabout/non confrontational way how come you were left off the invite - if you don't ask you'll never know will you?

PepsiHoover · 30/08/2021 15:04

@TeenMinusTests

How friendly are your respective DC? I can imagine a situation where the Mums are all good friends but the children have different dynamics.
I was thinking similar. There's plenty of mum's at the school I like, but outr kids don't get on.
TheChosenTwo · 30/08/2021 15:07

Depending on how long you’ve been friends I’d have no problem walking clean away from them and coffee mornings. Smile and wave if you bump into each other at school but they’ve been sneaky here and it must have been deliberate. I know someone said that it’s possible they all thought that someone else was going to invite you but i would bet my car on it that that’s not true. Possible of course but highly unlikely.
They’ve cut you out of this for some reason, it’s up to to you if you want to go and ask them why but me myself would just be walking away from them, I can’t be arsed with petty behaviour from people who are supposed to be friends. They’re not your friends.

DrManhattan · 30/08/2021 15:07

Totally get where you are coming from. Its awful.
If they have left you out on purpose and there hasn't been a misunderstanding, I wouldn't waste any more of your time with these people.

Original poster
Yup83 · 30/08/2021 15:08

Nothing happened in between that I know of, that was the first and last I heard of the camping arrangements too.

Our kids all get along pretty well, playdates etc. Don't think mine is any more annoying than other kids.

Can't think of any other reason why we wouldn't have been included other than that they don't actually like me :-(

Thanks for the advice and support everyone, it's nice to know that I am not unreasonable in feeling hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yup83 · 30/08/2021 15:10

When my 'friend' mentioned she was going camping with the other three she did seem kind of sheepish/guilty.

I was too shocked/upset to really know what to say so I was like oh that will be fun and then just went kinda quiet.

OP posts: