Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
AnnieBanannie1 · 30/08/2021 15:11

This is why I've promised myself to not get involved with other mums when my DC starts school next year.

It's not nice at all, move on op, no time for that stuff! Focus your energy on those who treat you well.

Branleuse · 30/08/2021 15:12

Tell them that youre excited about the camping and glad theyve arranged something and to let you know the payment details.

Youll get a better idea of whether they didnt want you or did

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2021 15:17

Can't think of any other reason why we wouldn't have been included other than that they don't actually like me :-(

Or a simple mistake?

Itsbeen84yearss · 30/08/2021 15:18

Aww. I wonder if you’re at our local primary. There’s a lot of camping trips been going on like this lately and it’s all very cliquey. It’s not nice being left out. I feel it myself sometimes but I put my big girl pants on and focus on my family. Try not to give yourself a persecution complex

LochinverSwimmingPool · 30/08/2021 15:22

@twinningatlife

You Are 38 not 8 - I'd be asking them in a nice/roundabout/non confrontational way how come you were left off the invite - if you don't ask you'll never know will you?
Aw come on. She feels hurt. I would, too.

OP - I wouldn't bother with this lot when school goes back.
You won't have to take children to school forever.

Some people are just horrible.

otherstuffteam · 30/08/2021 15:23

Withdraw a bit and try and find some new friends

Helpmyson · 30/08/2021 15:23

Try to.to dwell, they are not worth the energy , are not very nice a d you should distance .
For what it's worth Ifound the school gate 'mum' thing to he awful. I was pleased when my kids moved into secondary so I didn't have to navigate it anymore

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/08/2021 15:23

Are you single and the rest married?

BaconAndAvocado · 30/08/2021 15:26

OP I would feel exactly the same as you.

As to what you should do......you could lightheartedly say, Where was the invite? I was a bit surprised you went without me?

lannistunut · 30/08/2021 15:27

Natural to be hurt, unfortunately nothing you can do about it other than try to make friends with other, nicer people.

One thing I feel is that if this is how the parents are, then encourage your child to make friends with other children too as quite often where you get cliquey adults, it translates into cliquey kids.

Winemewhynot · 30/08/2021 15:29

Aw that’s a bit shitty, I think I would have to ask what happened to my invite and then back off.

Are you single and they’re all married? Or do you work and they don’t? Trying to think of reasons why you wouldn’t be asked if you’re all so pally!

Teamfemale · 30/08/2021 15:32

It happens to the best of them OP. One of my DC class reps who likes to organise drinks out and events (bit of a queen bee) for the parents was left out of a group meet up. I wasn't invited but I'm not close to those mums. She only realised when she caught them coming back from lunch at school pick up and they had a really cringey conversation about where they had been and she was asking why she wasn't invited.

I was only stood a few feet away and heard it all. I cringing for her.

School mum friends are not 'real' friends though are they and they can quickly sour if your kids start arguing in school.

Withdraw, smile and nod at school and invest time in your real life friends.

smallgoon · 30/08/2021 15:32

Sack them off. They're horrible c*nts.

stepupandbecounted · 30/08/2021 15:32

It happens.

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate. They are not friends in the true sense of the word, and are transient usually - I still have a handful of school parent friends but mostly the only thing in common is that you go to the same school/same year/same class/kids are buddies

School groups are famously work as a clique and put teenagers to shame. It can be horrible to watch and can spill over into the children's lives. Do your dc a favour and avoid at all costs.

Smile, wave a cheery hello at the gate and become too busy to meet them outside of school, and stop the coffees/lunches and dinners. No need to explain if anyone asks (this will cause drama) Just say your life is full on and you haven't time.
This group do not have your best interests at heart and are not nice people.

Take your time choosing one or two nicer people to talk to, and move away. This group is and will remain toxic.

libertybonds · 30/08/2021 15:32

Same question here, as a single mum - are they all married, and you single?

DaveGrohlsTeeth · 30/08/2021 15:34

That's really crappy, I'd be hurt too. I'd cut my losses with them. Still be polite, smiley and friendly, but always have something better to do than stop and have a conversation/coffee with them. They've made it clear that you aren't one of them.

dreamingbohemian · 30/08/2021 15:34

Can't think of any other reason why we wouldn't have been included other than that they don't actually like me

Oh there are plenty of reasons! Don't assume the worst.
It's bound to have more to do with how the kids get on. Or perhaps the person who started organising it wanted to keep it smaller.
Are their partners going? Do their partners know each other better?

If they didn't like you, they wouldn't still be hanging out with you. It's probably something else.

BUT personally I would not be going for coffee with them anymore. Whatever their reason, you are being set apart and it's just going to be awkward. Better to devote time to other people.

Smackthepony · 30/08/2021 15:34

How can you ‘accidentally’ or ‘mistakenly’ leave out a person in your social group that you know was invited in the first conversation?

Op why don’t you just ask them straight but non confrontationally why? You could just ask along the lines of ‘I’ve heard you booked the camping trip we discussed before the summer break but I’ve not been included, have I done something to upset you?’. By not addressing it, it will always be the elephant in the room. You will see them at the school. It will get all awkward and uncomfortable. By asking that question you will at least some kind of explanation even if you don’t like the answer.

MumofSpud · 30/08/2021 15:36

It's all very well saying - find new friends but I think the OP needs / wants to find out what (if anything) went wrong with the friendship / group dynamics - otherwise it might happen again (she would know what to look out for?)

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 15:36

@Yup83

When my 'friend' mentioned she was going camping with the other three she did seem kind of sheepish/guilty.

I was too shocked/upset to really know what to say so I was like oh that will be fun and then just went kinda quiet.

Wasn’t that the obvious moment to say something? I can understand being initially taken aback, but presumably you weren’t dumbstruck for the entire encounter?

Have you had any contact over the summer?

grapewine · 30/08/2021 15:36

@Disfordarkchocolate

Are you single and the rest married?
That was my first thought.
Ihaveaquestion77 · 30/08/2021 15:38

Ouch, I'd be hurt too.

I wouldn't bother bringing it up. I'd keep things polite with them but invest more in other friendships.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 15:39

Oh that's a bit shitty of them (and the OP isn't the one behaving as though she's 8 - that honour goes to the 'friends').

I'd have to say something otherwise it would eat away at me. Can you say something like 'I know we all talked about camping earlier in the summer and I took that to mean we'd all be going as we all agreed that it would be lovely. Have I done something to upset you as I know you all went' and see what they say?

Or I'd silently seethe and find better friends. Probably the former.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 15:40

I’m so sorry you’re left feeling bad about yourself and the friendships you thought you’d made. I guess it’s a blessing in disguise that my partner and I were excluded from the start but when one of the mums had a ‘milestone’ birthday party and invited everyone in the class except my daughter and a could of the “bad boys”(their words), I got really angry.

I don’t know what it is about school gates
Mums (and it is usually the mums) who play these games of exclusion and manipulate who can be friends with who. They rarely consider who gets hurt (in my case it was my child and to me that’s unforgivable)

Move on with your life. These people are only your friends because you all had sex in the same year.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 15:41

*couple off