To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

@Suetully

If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway,

Such terrible and unhelpful statement, like saying to somebody who got breast cancer that if they didn't have breasts they wouldn't have the cancer anyway.

Men get breast cancer too, so technically you don't need breasts to get breast cancer. Your effort to make yourself seem empathetic kind of back fired, in multiple ways.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any sage advice, but I just want you to know that I would feel the exact same as you. It isn't nice to part of a group and then left out like this, and no matter if you're 40yo or 50yo or 110yo I think it would still hurt. Is there anyone in the group you are closest to whom you could ask? I would probably either ask, or leave the parent group.

I never get why on mn friends are so defined in that people can't be real friends with people from work or x, y and z. Friendships can arise from any avenue, some of my closest friends who are like family are my colleagues.

I agree. I don't put a cap on the number of friends I have. Some friendships are transient, and some are more permanent. One of my best friends is a school mum. I have been friends with her for 17 years. I have other friends that I met at toddler group, others from church, neighbour friends, and people I have worked with.

I'm sorry this has happened to you @Yup83. It hurts.

Make nicer friends now, as these seem a waste of your time. Such a nasty thing to do

Mum School friendship groups can be cliquey and exclusionary.
Maybe they have some undisclosed gripe I’d not expend energy on it
Be pleasant but don’t get over involved and it’s just one of those unfortunate things

Yup83 -you are a single parent and there ends the reason.

Exactly same as you - excludedfrom camping trips, coffee, meals out, drinks - they were not my friends and those who were nice to me, needed spelt out in clear words, that no I never went to end of year bbq because I and the other single parent were never invited.

Total disbelief and told her to look at the original e mail invite and were we on it! She looked we were not - then looked at all the invites - we were never on it. She was shocked and give her he dues asked the mum who organised and said - single parent yada yada yada.

Roll on 3 yrs, 5 of them now separated and have all contacted me - no response from me. Fuck them

@nottheBBCnews

Make nicer friends now, as these seem a waste of your time. Such a nasty thing to do

Without more information, you can't really describe what happened as nasty. It might have been or it might have been thoughtless or careless or due to pre-existing dynamics we know nothing about.

I went through a similar experience a few years ago. I was close with one school mum in particular, so invited her and her family to join us on holiday. She was enthusiastic and said she would book. A few weeks later at a party, she was openly discussing with two other mums their holiday that they had all planned/booked, at the same time and resort as us. The other mums seemed unaware that it had been my idea/suggestion in the first place. Instead my friend had arranged to go with them instead. They all stood there arranging what their kids would do and how they had booked cabins next door to each other. There was no thought to how me or my children would feel. They had even arranged spa sessions and meals out without me. I felt like a third limb. It was awful. I felt so low. Recently it happened to me again. There's only 9 boys in my son's class (small village school). 6 of their families had all arranged to go on holiday camping together. One of them excitedly told me about their forthcoming trip whilst sat drinking coffee in my kitchen. Thankfully my son wasn't particularly bothered, bit I do feel that, sometimes arrangements are made on the hoof, but without regard to how excluded others might feel. I personally wouldn't dream of making arrangements that would leave people, especially children, feeling excluded. But it's amazing how many people will put themselves and their kids before everyone else. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I know that it hurts. However, I think that you've probably come to the realisation that you weren't as close to them as you thought. Friendships with school mums are often a matter of convenience according to what their kids want to do/arrangements are often made and hoc whilst sharing lifts etc. They are temporary and shifting. Hopefully you will find a few decent reliable friendships that stand the test of time and don't change according to the whims, interests and friendships of their children.

Ok.my observation most school mums aren’t friendships they’re proximity & opportunity
women for whom the only shared commonality is kids at same school
Immediately excluded are the working parents, not in proximity & no opportunity to attend the school mum get together
Single mums often excluded in case it is contagious

I agree, OP, its hurtful. Having also been the one not invited to camping trips and parties, I've read this thread with interest. Initially I'd thought for me that it might be because dp was not part of the group, and could be a bit awkward socially, but then dp and I split up and I still wasn't included. It never really occurred to me that a group of parents and kids would deliberately exclude a single parent

Although it was me seeing all the posts on Facebook and being upset, ultimately it was dd who missed out from the camping experiences etc, which was a real shame.

When is this trip happening? The schools go back this week. Is it in October half term?

Bury the hurt. Behave all sunny and carefree and smile & nod at them (but distance yourself). Your apparent indifference will rattle them.

And concentrate on other friendships

They don’t sound worth bothering with and so, although you’re hurt they’ve done you a favour by helping you concentrate on the true friends that really matter, not this playground bullshit. Pray for rain while they’re camping!

Men get breast cancer too, so technically you don't need breasts to get breast cancer. Your effort to make yourself seem empathetic kind of back fired, in multiple ways

men do have breasts, just they are different structures so eh go learn your biology.

@Hugoslavia I agree with majority of your post, however if I don’t like a kid or a parent I won’t invite them. Simple as that
The Queen bee of the pta has a ghastly boorish child who’s a bully, I purposefully excluded them from my child party. Why would I invite the child who teases and is mean to everyone to my kids party to get a free tea and party bag. The party was fun because I excluded the class bully.
Of course I’m going to prioritise my preference and my child, because it directly impacts upon us. I’m not going to plaster on a smile and tolerate the company of a pair I dislike out of misplaced sense of manners or doing the right thing

@stepupandbecounted

It happens.

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate. They are not friends in the true sense of the word, and are transient usually - I still have a handful of school parent friends but mostly the only thing in common is that you go to the same school/same year/same class/kids are buddies

School groups are famously work as a clique and put teenagers to shame. It can be horrible to watch and can spill over into the children's lives. Do your dc a favour and avoid at all costs.

Smile, wave a cheery hello at the gate and become too busy to meet them outside of school, and stop the coffees/lunches and dinners. No need to explain if anyone asks (this will cause drama) Just say your life is full on and you haven't time.
This group do not have your best interests at heart and are not nice people.

Take your time choosing one or two nicer people to talk to, and move away. This group is and will remain toxic.

So true !

@Tiana4

Next time you make the camping arrangements and leave one of them out Or have a party at your house and leave one of them out.

Revenge is a dish best served cold

(Not really... but if it made you smile!!)

It probably was difficult to organise, camping site may have had limited spaces- we couldn't get a space for all of us (my family in tent, parents tent and friends large tent) in any of those near us- so didn't go, but if a last minute one came up we might have gone just us.

I can see why you're upset but it's possible it wasn't deliberate left out. You might have been busy or away when they were arranging it or a while other list of reasons.

Find a rain-maker and do a rain-dance when they go!

Your effort to make yourself seem empathetic kind of back fired, in multiple ways

I wasn't trying to be empathetic, I was saying it to highlight the insensitivity of what others were saying. But I suppose on mn people refuse or unable to use context.

The snobbery about where you meet friends is ridiculous 🙄. So meeting friends at school yourself if university (so you happen to be same age and location) is fine but meeting friends through having dc is pathetic and doomed to disaster 🙄.

Agree with this, it’s utterly ridiculous. I have a great group of school mum friends, just as I have a great group of other friends. How we met is irrelevant.

It’s so hurtful but put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them is what I would do.

^^
This is what I’d do and did.

An actual friend did similar to me once.

I had been invited by her to a party but the date hadn't been set at that point - it was a big event that was going to happen some time in the following months. A while later, I was staying with her for the weekend and I saw the date for said party ringed on her calendar and said "Oh, is that X party? I thought you were going to let me know the date?"

Her response was "you can't be invited to everything, and I don't think you'd fit in with this one"
I pointed out that she had ALREADY invited me, but she just shrugged. I didn't get to go to that party.

We did stay friends a while longer but she eventually dropped me after I got married (she got married before I did, it wasn't that).

Her response was "you can't be invited to everything, and I don't think you'd fit in with this one"
I pointed out that she had ALREADY invited me, but she just shrugged

eekk how awkward and how did you ever stay the rest of the weekend with her never mind continue the friendship after that?

I'd message the one who told you and say you were a bit taken aback when she said about the camping and had you done something to upset the group that meant you weren't invited. I think you deserve an explanation as that's just mean.

OP, that happened to me as a teenager, and it was really hurtful and upsetting.
Sack them off and meet decent people.
They don’t sound especially worthy of your friendship.

@Hugoslavia

I went through a similar experience a few years ago. I was close with one school mum in particular, so invited her and her family to join us on holiday. She was enthusiastic and said she would book. A few weeks later at a party, she was openly discussing with two other mums their holiday that they had all planned/booked, at the same time and resort as us. The other mums seemed unaware that it had been my idea/suggestion in the first place. Instead my friend had arranged to go with them instead. They all stood there arranging what their kids would do and how they had booked cabins next door to each other. There was no thought to how me or my children would feel. They had even arranged spa sessions and meals out without me. I felt like a third limb. It was awful. I felt so low. Recently it happened to me again. There's only 9 boys in my son's class (small village school). 6 of their families had all arranged to go on holiday camping together. One of them excitedly told me about their forthcoming trip whilst sat drinking coffee in my kitchen. Thankfully my son wasn't particularly bothered, bit I do feel that, sometimes arrangements are made on the hoof, but without regard to how excluded others might feel. I personally wouldn't dream of making arrangements that would leave people, especially children, feeling excluded. But it's amazing how many people will put themselves and their kids before everyone else. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I know that it hurts. However, I think that you've probably come to the realisation that you weren't as close to them as you thought. Friendships with school mums are often a matter of convenience according to what their kids want to do/arrangements are often made and hoc whilst sharing lifts etc. They are temporary and shifting. Hopefully you will find a few decent reliable friendships that stand the test of time and don't change according to the whims, interests and friendships of their children.

But the two situations are completely different — one was a one-on-one friendship where the other person had accepted your invitation to go on holiday together. That certainly took a bizarre and hurtful turn. The other situation doesn’t bear any resemblance. You can’t complain that the parents of six children in the same class went camping together and should have invited you.