To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

Not U to be hurt, this kind of thing is painful at any age.
What we do deal with better as we get older is dealing with it and moving on.
How objective can you be? Are these women likely to be good friends to you in future & it is worth trying to build bridges & cultivate stronger relationships, or are they simply just fairly shallow school gate friends.
If the latter, I would step back from the group and if they enquire say that you found it hurtful being excluded from the trip & don't really feel valued on an equal footing.
It is quite easy for people to be left out or forgotten by accident but this does sound a bit more deliberate - perhaps organised by WhatsApp without you.
Might they have a problem with your DH if you have one?

Ugh I've experienced far more of this as an adult than I ever did as a teen all at the hands of other grown women. I loathe it.

I'd be looking out for exclusion of your DC by theirs, which I consider a form of bullying.

Not nice op. Had it done to me flights booked hoping I wouldnt go or time wouldnt suit. I remember it hurt me at the time. ( siblings)

no-one said women can't make friends at the school gate, but in the OP's case, it seems these aren't particularly genuine friends.

Eh yes they did, didn't you read the part I copied which clearly is inferring that parents of other school kids are people we can't build friendships with:

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

It's horrible. Yanbu
I got blanked recently by a woman I've been on friendly terms with since our DC were 4 - her child appears to have fallen out with mine and the mother has forgotten that she is a grown up and left school many years ago. What can you do - some people are just childish and badly behaved.
It is hurtful though if you'd considered them to be real friends. I'm not sure there's much to be gained from asking them - they will likely wriggle and lie, since they've already shown they aren't good with direct approaches to things. Although, you might feel it's good to make them have an uncomfortable conversation. Serves them right if they squirm a bit!
I'd back away though tbh - be polite and breezy and don't show that they have upset you, but find different people to socialise with.

Grown women can be nasty. Not all but some.

@Suetully

no-one said women can't make friends at the school gate, but in the OP's case, it seems these aren't particularly genuine friends.

Eh yes they did, didn't you read the part I copied which clearly is inferring that parents of other school kids are people we can't build friendships with:

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

They’re not friends if they behave like that - but I met women at the school gates who are still my friends years later. It doesn’t really matter where you meet your friends - some are genuine and others turn out to be less so.

YANBU.

I'd make some new friends!

I learnt my lesson at our child's previous school. The cliques, the gossip, the fake friendships, no thanks!

Now I'm just polite and say good morning but don't get any more involved than that.

Could it be that they already socialise outside of school with their families, ie not just mums and children but also the dads? Whereas they only see you and the children but never your husband?

I know DH would be happy to go away with other families we know but maybe not the ones he doesn’t, and even I wouldn’t necessarily want to do it if I only knew the mum but not the dad. Dinner yes, holiday is quite another level of commitment.

@grapewine

Move on with your life. These people are only your friends because you all had sex in the same year.

Brilliantly put and good advice.

And your friends from school are friends because your parents had sex in the same year and your friends from work are friends because your employer decided to hire you all and your friends from your hobby are friends because you like the same thing....

You get the picture, it's not brilliantly put, it's stupid as unless you can somehow make random friends with absolutely no connection of course there's a common link.

MN seems to have a very odd view of friends made via school whereas in the real world it's a perfectly natural thing to do.

Find some new friends OP, there is a mismatch here in how you see each other.

2 of my closest friends now I met at the school gates many years ago.

Others came and went and I never got involved with groups/cliques.

Now DCs are at secondary so the school gates are no more.

Yup83: ... oh that will be fun and then just went kinda quiet.
.......
That was the best way to deal with it.

Just be casually pleasant/friendly from now on. I'm sure you have some real friends who aren't part of the school posse.

Thats not nice but it Siena t surprise me. After many years doing school pickups it’s the norm that some mums behave this way. If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway, cut them loose they are clearly not who you thought they were .

Unless you ask, you won't know what happened. Ask the sheepish friend. There could be a practical reason eg they are going to a friend's not a registered site and it can only fit them; they booked during Covid restrictions and when there was a limit to households mixing; they decided to change it from a mums and DCs' camping trip to a family one and they don't know your DP. Or there could have been a communication breakdown where someone thought someone else asked you. It would be better to know than to let it fester.

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

I don't agree with this at all. I never get why on mn friends are so defined in that people can't be real friends with people from work or x, y and z. Friendships can arise from any avenue, some of my closest friends who are like family are my colleagues. Likewise my mum's closest friend in the world is an ex colleague she worked with in the 70s and they are like sisters.
Should ''friends'' only be people we went to school with? So absurd when mn states where friendships can't happen.

Totally agree, I have friends that were work colleagues and great friends that were school mums years ago. Find it utterly weird that people say they can't be friends as not from a worthy source, bonkers.

I’d be hurt. My guess there is a ring leader who is leaving you out for some reason and the others are going along.

I have also been in this situation with people I thought of as close friends. It's very hurtful. I found out at a cross country race our children were in and the dads were all there cheering them on-and me!😢. I still remember the shock and the hurt as one of the kids told me all the mummies were on a weekend away. I will admit to crying on the way home.

I did challenge one of my closer friends in the group and said how hurt I was-and asked what was the problem-did everyone suddenly dislike me? I was given no real excuse; just that they weren’t the one who had organised it or done the inviting so wasn’t their fault. I said actually it was because if you were a real friend you’d have asked “how about Elijah’s wife?”

I agree that the worst part is that the ''aftershock'' which remains with you for years in that you lose faith in other people and in friendships. I still look at those people differently and am very insecure and unsure of myself around them and now try too hard, which also doesn’t help.

I don't think I would be having any meaningful conversations with them about why they left you out. Conversing like adults, as it's been recommended you do upthread, is generally only possible when people behave like adults. I found this out the hard way with certain in-laws. Their response? To bombard me with the passive-aggressive grand gesture. A dignified withdrawal with your head held high is best; after that, polite 'hello' whenever you meet them out and about.

Life's too short for this and like you, OP, I feel too old for it. My fellow parents at my DC's school I like fine; I'll will chat in the playground with anyone (although just as happy to stand on my own), but I don't go in for friendship groups as a rule. Too many of them have a tendency to end like this.

Maybe don't get involved with so called Mothers groups, they can be iffy at times.. Perhaps one of them will come to you later, and tell you why you were not on their list to join in.

They’re not friends if they behave like that - but I met women at the school gates who are still my friends years later. It doesn’t really matter where you meet your friends - some are genuine and others turn out to be less so.

exactly which is what I stated but there appears to be a philosophy on mn that friends can't be met at x, y and z which I think is nonsense and clearly the op had this view too or she wouldn't be hurt.

Grown women can be nasty. Not all but some.

I've seen this happen with groups of adult men too.

I am always the person who is 'left out' you realise that high school never does actually end (good one by BFS there for anyone who remembers 😅 ) at the age of 30 I personally would f@#k them off.. did this with uni friends recently who were silently bullying me, I'm too old for that s%#t now... move on.. xx

@Suetully

They’re not friends if they behave like that - but I met women at the school gates who are still my friends years later. It doesn’t really matter where you meet your friends - some are genuine and others turn out to be less so.

exactly which is what I stated but there appears to be a philosophy on mn that friends can't be met at x, y and z which I think is nonsense and clearly the op had this view too or she wouldn't be hurt.

Apologies, I think I misunderstood you there. I completely agree with you, friends (good and bad) can appear from anywhere

I would ask them just to clear the air. If I had found out before the event that they were going camping I would have rung the organizer, reminded her that I had been invited, and asked what the arrangements were. I am pretty thick skinned like that and once rocked up at a party to which I was the only one in the department not specifically invited. I wanted to see what the hostess would say. Of course she could not say anything in front of her other guests!

There’s no point in asking. No one is actually going to say it’s because you drink too much / not enough, you bang on about your boring job/ illness/ family, you’re high maintenance/too grotty for them.

It’s pretty horrid and I get that you are only friends through school. However that’s how you make proper friends isn’t it. Forced together, do stuff together, do stuff together by choice and bingo you are proper friends.
I’d still talk to them although and just accept that they aren’t actual friends now and just playground buddies.