To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

Better to know now, than many years of investment! You can make some real friends now with the time.

That sounds like a good approach, OP. I wouldn't torment yourself about why, either it could be the most minor thing, or someone else's misunderstanding or loopiness. This thread has reminded me of another experience I had with other parents at DS's old school, where another mother said I should join their reading group, and all appeared to be fine I'd been told the meeting time and place, which book was up for discussion, I sent a message to the WhatsApp saying I was looking forward to the meeting etc. Then suddenly the WhatsApp all went quiet, and the woman who had been the one to say I should join came up to me sheepishly at school, hummed and hawed and said the group had decided they had enough members and weren't accepting anyone new, so would I not come, sorry.

I found out several years later that one of the organisers, whom II'd only ever met on the school run, thought my WhatsApp was 'snobby' because I didn't use textspeak. It seemed lunatic as a way of determining book group suitability to me, but there you go.

The crux for me was that if THEY decided you couldn't go due to other commitments rather than asking you and you deciding you couldn't go. Sounds manipulated to me and if they'll do it to you they'll do it to someone else. Not nice people.

Yeah I think I wouldn’t make it into a thing by specifically asking why I hadn’t been invited, I’d keep it bright and breezy, back away, concentrate on other friendships but if the trip did come up in conversation I would have to ask what happened to my invite and watch them squirm

Yup you are right. Good advice in the replies. I look back I got too invested in friendships. Then 1 just rang me if the kid needed lifts. Cheeky)

Is she a “victim” though? Not sure that mentality is helpful

Yes very much a victim.

Personally I get my emotional needs met by Dh and my sisters. Friends are lovely to have but you don’t let them in and you don’t care enough to let them hurt you! Those are my internal rules for adult friendships anyway

yes but not everybody has a partner or family or even a partner they are compatible with and we all seek out connections in different avenues. It is the betrayal of that relationship be it a romantic one, blood one or platonic one that hurts and it's all the same agony.

The mums in my son's class are the same. They post pics on social media etc of them altogether and the like. Unfortunately my son is friends with the most unpleasant mums kids.

Nah not on at all, dig deep swallow how u feel, fck thse off, i am 39 an would feel the same

@Yup83

Thanks everyone for the replies. (Also kind of ironic that in a post about bitchy mums there is bitching about whether mums are bitchy)

It has been really helpful to know that other people would have been upset about this or had similar experiences and that I’m not alone in this.

I thought these people were my tribe, and although we hadn’t known each other for long i thought it could be the start of some nice friendships. Now I feel a bit naive for thinking that these people were actually nice.

We all hang out separately and as a group which of course is totally normal and I’m ok with. I think what bothered me more is that we had all discussed it and then it went ahead without me.

I suspect that it isn’t anything in particular but I’m just more of a B list friend and I didn’t realise it.
I also find it really messed up that it was assumed that I would be left out for some “difference” single parent/neurodiverse child etc. I do have a partner, although he is not the father of my eldest who is at school with the kids of these mums. Does having a non biological parent in the family warrant being uninvited from group activities??!?! I didn’t realise we all had to have the exact same family set up in order to be included in society CAN WE ALL JUST AGREE TO BE KIND TO EACH OTHER regardless of our differences?!

I’m too proud probably to ask why I was invited and then it went ahead without me, don’t think I would get an honest answer and think it would make things more difficult. We both have other friends and my child is luckily not at all bothered, so I think I’ll be taking the bright snd breezy approach and focus on other friendships and my own thing.

I do think you're absolutely right to take the moral high ground I'm glad to hear you have other friends and support network whoever you are making assumptions without actually aren't knowing the truth and I don't think that's necessarily the way forward. We are all too afraid of confrontation (something I'm definitely working on) as it can be seen as aggressive or rude but asked in the right way whilst it might throw them initially, at least you'll get some answers! You'll know for sure then whether or not to share your time with these people in future and not speculate about being a b list friend of because of your relationship.

I’m sorry this has happened, it is hurtful. A similar situation happened to me. I played tennis for years with a group of women who’s kids went to the same school as mine. When we returned from a summer holiday break, they were all talking about the wonderful holiday they had together, at one of the women’s holiday homes abroad. It seemed that the preparations were all done in secret but once they had their holiday they were only too happy to discuss it in front of me. Yes it was hurtful as you then get to listen in silence whilst they discuss how much fun they had.
I decided to hold my head up high and completely overlook the fact that I hadn’t been invited and carry on regardless, not to show any hurt or ill feelings.
School friendships are problematic, I know from experience as the kids can fall out. Don’t worry about being part of the group. Staying part of the group can mean compromises. Just be yourself that’s enough. Find some better friends that treat you with respect. In the years to come you may realise that perhaps they have fallen out with each other also. Xx

@Thyme2Dance
I would have been so sad if that happened to me.
How unkind of them.
Did you continue to play tennis with them?Are you still "friends" with them ?