To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

Is there a chance you're someone who is not great at reading messages / Watsapp, not initiating or participating in communication/ get togethers over the summer?

Some people don't respond to / initiate contact and then complain about not being included.

Probably not you.

Sorry you're feeling left out.

People can be crappy, and you're never too old to be hurt by snubs.

I'd probably distance myself from them after this. The sheepishness of the one "friend" tells you that she, at least, knows that what they did was rude, so it was probably intentional, for whatever reason. If she'd seemed completely natural and unabashed, that might have indicated a miscommunication or that you'd simply been overlooked (also not nice, however!).

I don't know if I'd ask them or not. If you're planning to ditch them as friends, there's nothing to lose by putting them on the spot and watching them squirm, but on the other hand, you'll likely still have to see and interact with them, so frosty formality or pretended obliviousness might be the way to go.

I've been in a similar situation. It's very hurtful but see it as an early flag that they are the types to be kind and inclusive and find some nicer people to spend your time with. Life is short.

If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway,

Such terrible and unhelpful statement, like saying to somebody who got breast cancer that if they didn't have breasts they wouldn't have the cancer anyway.

@Suetully

no-one said women can't make friends at the school gate, but in the OP's case, it seems these aren't particularly genuine friends.

Eh yes they did, didn't you read the part I copied which clearly is inferring that parents of other school kids are people we can't build friendships with:

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

There are just women at the school gate.

Yes friendly women who you say hello to pass the time whilst waiting for your kids to come out, maybe go for lunch with, I've even been on a weekend away with a school mum I became close with. But the majority are just women at the school gate you have a surface level friendship with.

I’d be hurt too OP.
I’d have to ask them why they didn’t invite you?
Do you have a what’s app group together? If so I’d say something like
‘ x mentioned that you’ve all been camping, we did discuss all of us going previously and I did say I would like to go,so I am feeling hurt that I wasn’t invited , just wondering why that was?’

Really have you met up at all over the summer
Do the husbands all get on but not so much yours
Is this really just a get together for a coffee at drop off for you but the others meet up more often

Were you actually invited in the first place? Or did someone mention in passing, whilst you were there, that we should all go camping sometime that would be fun? If the latter, it doesn't sound like an invite to me. I wouldn't bring it up with them but I would back off the friendship a little.

@Suetully

If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway,

Such terrible and unhelpful statement, like saying to somebody who got breast cancer that if they didn't have breasts they wouldn't have the cancer anyway.

No it really isn't. How can you compare this with that comment to some one who has breast cancer, that's basically blaming the cancer victim for having breasts

If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway

Means that the friendship isn't that deep because its based on the kids.

*There are just women at the school gate.

Yes friendly women who you say hello to pass the time whilst waiting for your kids to come out, maybe go for lunch with, I've even been on a weekend away with a school mum I became close with. But the majority are just women at the school gate you have a surface level friendship with.*

But that is just YOUR experience and not that of many others. So who are your closest friends or closet people because if you say your kids I will say they are just people that grew in your womb you gave birth to. Or if you say family then it is JUST people you shared the same womb as and have similar dna too...
Or if you say your school friends I will say they are JUST people you went to the same school as. Any friendship and relationship can be explained by your philosophy which is why you are talking nonsense.

No it really isn't. How can you compare this with that comment to some one who has breast cancer, that's basically blaming the cancer victim for having breasts confused

Because other posters are blaming the op for having hurt feelings.

Means that the friendship isn't that deep because its based on the kids.

and so what does qualify to you as the only worthy friendship source?

@Suetully

If it weren’t for your kids you probably wouldn’t be friends anyway,

Such terrible and unhelpful statement, like saying to somebody who got breast cancer that if they didn't have breasts they wouldn't have the cancer anyway.

I think it is a fairly accurate statement and there is no comparison between school friendships and breast cancer.

Some people do make meaningful, long term friendships through their children at school, but generally the relationships are superficial.

I understand how hurtful this is for the op but it's possible she misunderstood what was originally said.

In her position I'd just be breezily pleasant from now on and for true friendship, look elsewhere. She doesn't need these people.

@AnnieBanannie1

This is why I've promised myself to not get involved with other mums when my DC starts school next year.

It's not nice at all, move on op, no time for that stuff! Focus your energy on those who treat you well.

Ah now that's taking it too far. I have three very good friendships that have evolved since but that began because our children were in same playschool group then class at school. Interestingly, while there is the odd shared event - I usually hold at bbq once a year for instance - these are mostly one on one friendships. Groups are much trickier I find, there are often undercurrents and dynamics that I'm not particularly interested in navigating.

The snobbery about where you meet friends is ridiculous 🙄. So meeting friends at school yourself if university (so you happen to be same age and location) is fine but meeting friends through having dc is pathetic and doomed to disaster 🙄.

I agree this appears hurtful but is there a larger group? I have had to give my head a wobble when I occasionally see sub groups of my larger friendship group do stuff together. Sometimes a plan evolves or a smaller group dynamic works. Sometimes i organise stuff with smaller groups. Not necessarily some evil bitchy plan to exclude you. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face…

I have had a similar experience. It hurts but looking back they did me a favour, by letting me know that I don’t fit into the clique and to put my energies elsewhere.

Is there anything missing from the friendship group... or something common among the others that you don’t really like/ enjoy? Try not to take it personally, you might value/ need different things to the rest of the group and need to find your tribe.

Op why don’t you just ask them straight but non confrontationally why? You could just ask along the lines of ‘I’ve heard you booked the camping trip we discussed before the summer break but I’ve not been included, have I done something to upset you?’

But this is confronting. Confronting somebody is when we challenge/call somebody out on their behaviour which is exactly this.

@MsTSwift

The snobbery about where you meet friends is ridiculous 🙄. So meeting friends at school yourself if university (so you happen to be same age and location) is fine but meeting friends through having dc is pathetic and doomed to disaster 🙄.

I agree this appears hurtful but is there a larger group? I have had to give my head a wobble when I occasionally see sub groups of my larger friendship group do stuff together. Sometimes a plan evolves or a smaller group dynamic works. Sometimes i organise stuff with smaller groups. Not necessarily some evil bitchy plan to exclude you. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face…

Absolutely. If you operate in the social world at all there are always going to be tricky moments, times when you feel left out, times when you leave someone else out. No one gets it right all the time but that doesn't mean we give up or cut ourselves off from the good stuff because we might get hurt or indeed hurt others (even if inadvertently). I think so long as people are mostly decent and thoughtful and don't deliberately set out to alienate or exclude others, we have to cut each other some slack

I think it is a fairly accurate statement and there is no comparison between school friendships and breast cancer

The breast cancer statement was an analogy over how absurd a statement it was. Read the context.

I think it is a fairly accurate statement..Some people do make meaningful, long term friendships through their children at school, but generally the relationships are superficial

Eh how do you know? I know plenty of people who made lifelong friendships through their kids.

@Clearlyunhinged

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

I don't agree with this at all. I never get why on mn friends are so defined in that people can't be real friends with people from work or x, y and z. Friendships can arise from any avenue, some of my closest friends who are like family are my colleagues. Likewise my mum's closest friend in the world is an ex colleague she worked with in the 70s and they are like sisters.
Should ''friends'' only be people we went to school with? So absurd when mn states where friendships can't happen.

Totally agree, I have friends that were work colleagues and great friends that were school mums years ago. Find it utterly weird that people say they can't be friends as not from a worthy source, bonkers.

I don't understand the objection here. Nobody is saying that you can't make friends at the school gate, but these women aren't her friends, are they? The OP thought they were friends and they showed her that they aren't. We're talking about a specific situation, why generalize? Equally, just because you made all your friends at the riding stables, or the local disco doesn't mean that there aren't dicks there.

These things are complicated - are the other three mums better friends? Do they see each other individually? I have friends who were friends before I joined them for mum chats. They do things together and it would not even occur to me to feel left out. A throw away comment saying 'we should go camping sometime' might be a comment that was said and forgotten by the person who said it and meant more to you than it did them.
One thing I think is really important though is it would not be possible for you to bury this. You will always feel a bit hurt if you do and it would end up affecting your relationship with them anyway and therefore possibly your child's relationship with their children. Single out the friend who acted sheepish and ask the background - say you feel a little hurt and are you misreading your place in this friendship group and see what she says. It could just be a huge misunderstanding - maybe the hubbies are all friends now and it was all last minute or whatever. But don't hide yourself away assuming you are not wanted. Give them a chance to make amends.

Why are people saying it’s just school gate friends?

The other 3 have happily gone off camping together as real friends.
( unless they were actual friends before, in which case Op has her answer anyway)

I don't understand the objection here. Nobody is saying that you can't make friends at the school gate

go back and read the thread and several posters said it x

Think lots of (mostly women) have had this happen to them at some point. Definitely happened to me with my NCT group. I’m still pissed off about it 18 years later 😂 —unhelpful—
I now realise they aren’t friends, just people who have been thrown together through circumstance and I’m much more particular these days and also would be more likely to call out bad behaviour. They were quite mean in general though and I should have been less naive.

Move on with your life. These people are only your friends because you all had sex in the same year

This is such nonsense and a really weird MN anti school mum friends perspective.

We meet people and become friends for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes we meet through school, or college or work. Sometimes we meet through a hobby, interest or through another friend. There’s no right or wrong way to meet friends and nothing wrong with friends met through any route.

You were presumably friends with these people because you liked them, enjoyed their company and had a laugh together. If that’s the case talk to them. It may be a misunderstanding. They may be bitches. But if you don’t ask what the issue is it will eat away at you.

I would bring it up otherwise it will eat away at you. If you normally do things as a 4 then it's really shitty.