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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 30/08/2021 15:41

I would be cheery and polite but move on....but I would be tempted to bring it up first.

In person, not ove text, I would just say "hey, what happened to the camping trip? I hear you all went without me?"

You'll either find out there was a mistake / misunderstanding etc, or they will bluster and have nothing to say in which case you can give an understanding smile and change the subject. The understanding being that they are utter shits.

If they have done this to you, I would be patronisingly polite to them whilst backing away and cultivating new friendships.

But I wouldn't want to let them off the hook. I'd want them to know that I know they are shit people.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 15:41

Bloody hell sorry I give up trying to correct

TheQueef · 30/08/2021 15:42

@Yup83

When my 'friend' mentioned she was going camping with the other three she did seem kind of sheepish/guilty.

I was too shocked/upset to really know what to say so I was like oh that will be fun and then just went kinda quiet.

Deep breath and move on. Fuck em. I think it's quite spiteful really and then to mention it worse still. Chin up lass. Brew
grapewine · 30/08/2021 15:42

Move on with your life. These people are only your friends because you all had sex in the same year.

Brilliantly put and good advice.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/08/2021 15:42

Well of the friend looked guilty it might be that one person decided not to invite you and the others didn’t know, but saying that there would’ve been a discussion on who brings what to the party?

I would also ask the friend what happened? No harm in asking.

notacooldad · 30/08/2021 15:42

Your story is ecxatly why I deliberately didn't rely on my kids friend's mums to be part of my friendship group.
Too many dynamics. Someone always want to be miss popular or other mums get upset if the children fall out. I've even watched one group fall out when it was revealed that one of the mums was having an affair with one of the group's dad. That was awkward for the circle of friends!
I was friendly and occasionally went for a coffee or something but kept my pre children friendships going and cultivated other friends from my hobbies. I suggest you do the same OP.
You may find it was all a misunderstanding , but seriously they all forgot about you? Really?

user654351 · 30/08/2021 15:46

Oh dear sorry OP.

The Mums at school are not your friends, they are sometimes-friendly acquaintances based on DC at the same school.

I knew a pair of primary school families who were so 'friendly' they had joint family barbecues etc. Except one family regularly used to go and complain to the school, scouts etc about the children of the other family (admittedly these children were lying and violent horrors) but still they kept up the charade that they were all super friends. Mind boggling.

As per pps, you are on your own at the school gates and being a school parent really brings out the worst in some parents.

BrutusMcDogface · 30/08/2021 15:47

When I was a sahm I spent a lot of time with the school mums, some of whom I’ve remained friends with. People saying they aren’t “real” friends; maybe they are? Maybe the op hasn’t got loads of other friends?

I mean, I say “are”, but I mean “were”. I’m sorry op. They have treated you very badly. I’d be breezy and move on to other people too, if possible. Flowers

DomPom47 · 30/08/2021 15:49

The sheepish friends sounds like an arse.

Cluelessgardener · 30/08/2021 15:49

Ah I'm sorry op, it's horrible being left out. This happened to me yesterday with my brothers. Sadly you can't pick your family hey! No advice, I'm torn between forgetting, or dwelling and boiling over and saying something. I actually text one and said thanks for the invite but then deleted it.

Are you ok with confrontation? As in just asking outright? Or maybe text the one you're closest with?

NativityDreaming · 30/08/2021 15:50

Oh, this just happened at our school as well in the junior school. I know a few parents who were really hurt by being left out. I ran into one of the mums at the play park today and she was really dreading running into any of the returning parents today. It hurts to be left out and even more to think your children are being left out.

user654351 · 30/08/2021 15:51

With friends like these though, who needs enemies?
I guess they are more like frenemies?
You would be better off on your own than having friends like these.
Yes, school gates brings out the inner school playground bully in some Mums and they form their little cliques just like in school and similarly they just ditch someone from their clique like schoolgirls.

LBirch02 · 30/08/2021 15:53

YANBU OP. I’d be lying if I said something like this wouldn’t affect me. Best thing to do is concentrate on yourself/your own projects - I find when I do this my relationships with other people improves

Roselilly36 · 30/08/2021 15:55

That’s really mean, I would feel hurt too.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 15:56

''I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them. ''

I know you will be told by mn logic but it's very hard to do. I have being in this situation with ''close friends'' and believe me it happens at all age. It's very hurtful and the worst part is that the ''aftershock'' can remain for years in that you lose faith in other people and in friendships.

You want to know why but the reason if you ask will not be given but instead denial. So I finally got drunk and confronted friend over it and it was all ''it was an open invite.. you are delusional''. Which was bullshit.

Meh even today, over a decade later, I am wary of friendships and have become hard and bitter over it and I don't build attachments.

OneToThree · 30/08/2021 15:59

There will be a reason you haven’t been invited. You, your dc or your husband. Just move on and make new friends. There’d be no moving forward for me after this.

Itsallgoingtobemagnificant · 30/08/2021 16:02

So sorry op, what a horrible feeling. My Dd is only 3, but I'm dreading the school gate thing!

Suetully · 30/08/2021 16:08

First thing to do is remind yourself, these people are NOT your friends, they are just women at the school gate

I don't agree with this at all. I never get why on mn friends are so defined in that people can't be real friends with people from work or x, y and z. Friendships can arise from any avenue, some of my closest friends who are like family are my colleagues. Likewise my mum's closest friend in the world is an ex colleague she worked with in the 70s and they are like sisters.
Should ''friends'' only be people we went to school with? So absurd when mn states where friendships can't happen.

onemouseplace · 30/08/2021 16:12

I'd be really upset as well, and questioning whether I was really part of the friendship group or just on the periphery.

I'm rubbish with confrontation though, so I'd probably just avoid them completely for as long as possible!

itsgettingwierd · 30/08/2021 16:12

@DomPom47

The sheepish friends sounds like an arse.
Agree. If the sheepish one is your closest friend from the group she could have spoken up when this was arranged to ask about you.

Or she did and knows why you weren't invited and isn't being honest.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 16:14

You Are 38 not 8 - I'd be asking them in a nice/roundabout/non confrontational way how come you were left off the invite - if you don't ask you'll never know will you?

Bullshit, age is irrelevant to having feeling nor is this sort of behaviour. People think it ends in the playground, it very much does not.

BubbleCoffee · 30/08/2021 16:14

was one of them supposed to sort it out and that person has left you out?

I was thinking the same. Maybe one of them told the others you couldn't make it.

Suetully no-one said women can't make friends at the school gate, but in the OP's case, it seems these aren't particularly genuine friends.

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 30/08/2021 16:16

My first thought was you're single? I was a single mum and school couples always excluded you from every social activity going. It was just another hurt of being single.
I agree with everyone saying find another group of friends

Suetully · 30/08/2021 16:16

Agree. If the sheepish one is your closest friend from the group she could have spoken up when this was arranged to ask about you.

not really if she is ''sheepish'' then she might find it too hard to raise it or go against a ringleader.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/08/2021 16:17

When my 'friend' mentioned she was going camping with the other three she did seem kind of sheepish/guilty.
So she made no bones about the fact that it was deliberate. That's really shit.

And you know it's not about your kids being annoying / not good friends with theirs because you were there at the original discussion.
Why didn't you just ask why they hadn't mentioned it when they were booking, she must have remembered you'd shown interest already?
I couldn't have not asked, even if I suspected I wouldn't like the answer. I'd make her say it.